Dr. Damages Interviews Gen.
Ibrahim Babangida
Written by Rudolf Ogoo Okonkwo-
Dr. Damages
Monday, 05 July 2010 16:52
Announcer: , and
now, here is your
Tonight ’s Show
host, Dr. D.J.
Damages
(Applause)
Dr. Damages:
Thank you. Thank
you. Thank you.
While we were
about to go on air
for tonight ’s show,
I got a call from one Kassim
Afegbua. He asked me if I was
ready to play a role in a movie.
“ What movie?” I asked.
“An interview with a vampire,” he
said. I listened for any trace of
sarcasms in his voice but I heard
none. I told him I had put on my
makeup and was ready for lights,
cameras, and action.
“ I will bring the vampire,” Mr.
Afegbua said.
That was how we bumped our
scheduled guest, Super Eagle
striker, Sani Kaita, for today ’s
special guest.
(Applause)
Today’s guest has been called the
evil genius, military president, eze
ntu etc. But the one that most
Nigerians remember so well is
Maradona. In the annals of
Nigeria ’s history, no man has taken
a country of 140 million people for
a ride the way he did. His late
friend, Gen. Sani Abacha, who took
over after our guest stepped aside,
ruined what was left. For
suffocating him, we have given full
scholarship to that group of Indian
prostitutes.
(Applause)
Maradona’s soul mate, Mr. Manuel
Antonio Noriega of Panama, has
since been tried and sentenced. He
served 17 years in the U.S. prison
for drug trafficking, money
laundering and racketeering. After
his prison term in the U.S., Mr.
Noriega was extradited to France
where he currently faces ten years
in prison. Like Noriega, many
people disappeared during our
guest ’s term as the Head of State
of Nigeria. He also annulled a free
and fair election. Though he
reigned at the same period in
history and had similar legacy, our
guest remains ‘the man they could
not arrest.’ Legend has it that his
mother had four breasts.
(Laughter)
This man’s middle name,
Badamasi, means chameleon in
Sicily.
(Laughter)
Dr Damages: Whenever he dies, all
of his obituaries must include the
following lines Anthony Daniels
used in his tribute to Idi Amin. His
“ tragedy, like that of so many
Africans, was to have admired a
civilization whose external
trappings he strongly desired, but
of whose internal workings he had
no idea, ”
From Niger State, Nigeria, by way
of the Hill Top mansion, please
give a warm welcome to Gen.
Ibrahim Badamasi Babangida.
(Applause)
(Babangida walks into the stage,
shakes Dr. Damages ’ hand and
takes his seat.)
Dr Damages: Ina kwana!
Welcome to the show.
Babangida: Nice to be here.
Dr Damages: It was Okey Ndibe
who first called you Maradona at
the …
Babangida: (Interrupts) God punish
him.
Dr Damages: God punish who?
Babangida: The Okey Ndibe of a
man. In fact, it is not God punish
him. It is that God has punished
him. From the information Andy
Uba ’s people gave me, which my
main man, the National Security
Adviser, Aliyu Gausu, confirmed, he
is living a miserable life in a small
town in York, near London. He
lives in a one-bed room council
flat, drives a rickety car while his
colleagues in Nigeria who believe
in my way now own lands and
mansions in Lagos and Abuja. That
is what you get for failing to adapt
to your world.
Dr Damages: What I was getting
at was that the real Maradona had
since retired from playing soccer.
He has become fat, become
wasted by drugs like cocaine, but
you are still dreaming of being
president …
Babangida: Look Mr. Man, your
research is incomplete. Maradona
has since cleaned up his acts and is
now the head coach of the
Argentina national football team.
And his team did pretty well in
South Africa.
Dr. Damages: A head coach. Not a
player.
Babangida: Nagani! My days of
being a player are long gone. I’m
aspiring to be Nigeria’s head coach.
That is what being a civilian
president is like.
Dr. Damages: If Maryam had
been alive, would she have
supported your quest to return to
Nigeria ’s seat of power?
Babangida: Oh, may peace be
with her. Sai an jima, Maryam. (He
mutters) She was a nice woman.
Her humanity was unequalled. She
was a scarlet virgin with fulsome
lips and curves molded in heaven.
(He breaks down and sobs)
Dr. Damages: We can take a
break if you need it.
Babangida: No. (Grabs a Kleenex
and blows his nose)
Dr Damages: It still hurts?
Babangida: There is something
about Maryam that no journalist
has been able to capture.
Dr. Damages: What is that?
Babangida: She was one of the
three women who changed
Nigeria.
Dr. Damages: How?
Babangida: The media is obsessed
with IBB, but it was her, Victoria
and Gloria that made Nigeria what
it is today.
Dr Damages: I don’t understand.
Babangida: If not for the three girls
from the East, there probably
would not have been the Civil War.
Surely, there would not be the
Babangida coup. Which means that
Maman Vasta and Dele Giwa would
have been alive today.
Dr Damages: What did the girls do?
Babangida: A lot of what
happened in Nigeria from the
sixties until Maryam joined Allah
had their origin in some men ’s
attempt to have these three girls,
to provide for them and to protect
them when they are in trouble. As
young soldiers, these women
inspired us, they inflamed our
pride, and they fuelled our
quarrels.
Dr Damages: The three girls caused
the Civil War too?
Babangida: Indirectly. Tangentially.
But I will let you go and do your
research. Now, that is a story
worth telling and not that
Babangida did this and Babangida
did that. I ’m surprised that I have
not read that Babangida missed a
penalty that would have seen the
Super Eagle through to the second
round of the World Cup.
Dr. Damages: But you did a lot of
harms to Nigeria ’s psyche?
Babangida: How did Roosevelt put
it; (He takes out a piece of paper
from his pocket and reads) “The
credit belongs to the man who is
actually in the arena; whose face is
marred by sweat and blood; who
strives valiantly; who errs and
comes short again and again
because there is no effort without
error and shortcoming; who knows
the great enthusiasms, the great
devotion, spends himself in a
worthy cause; who at best knows
in the end the triumph of high
achievement; and who at worst, if
he fails, at least fails while daring
greatly, so that his place shall
never be with those cold and timid
souls who have never tasted
victory or defeat. ”
Dr. Damages: You recently said
that antecedents are perceptions.
The Igbo people say that
antecedents are like farts that
foretell the taste of feces. Your
antecedent, your fart, stinks.
Nigerians are saying they do not
want to wait to taste your feces
before they foretell what it is like.
Are you saying that Nigerians
must taste your feces?
Babangida: Haba! You have
forgotten that the Igbo gave me a
chieftaincy title – the Ogugua
Ndigbo (1) of Igbo Land – Consoler
of the Igbo. I have a lot of Igbo
friends. They are behind my
campaign to be president.
Dr. Damages: You did not answer
my question?
Babangida: I did.
Dr Damages: You recently told
Nigerians who are calling you a
thief to stop making noise and
prove it. Isn ’t the cry of the hyena
and the loss of the goat the same?
How about you explaining to
Nigerians how you acquired the
enormous wealth you have?
Babangida: Who told you I am
wealthy? Ever seen my name on
the Forbes ’ list of the richest men
in the world? Or have you become
senile like Tai Solarin?
Dr Damages: If not for anything,
your salary as an army officer
would not in hundred years pay
for the kind of home you own in
Minna?
Babangida: Have you been there?
Dr. Damages: No.
Babangida: Then you should come
and see for yourself. In fact, I
invite you to come and have tea
with me.
Dr. Damages: I don’t drink tea. I
drink stronger beverages.
Babangida: I’m not rich but I can
get you anything you want to
drink right inside my cellar.
Dr. Damages: I don’t need to come
to your house to know what it
looks like. I have seen the pictures.
Babangida: Pictures can be
deceiving. Just like my salary as a
soldier can be deceiving. The truth
is that presidents world over get
their reward after they leave
office. They get paid for their
knowledge. And in our case, the
young ones the president helped
lift up pay tribute to the president.
Dr. Damages: You had eight years,
absolute power and over $100
billion and you did not transform
Nigeria. What makes you think
you can transform Nigeria in this
time and age?
Babangida: Ba kome! White
porridge comes out of the black
pot.
Dr. Damages: In other words?
Babangida: I give you three
words: IBB, IBB, and IBB.
Dr. Damages: As military president,
you once said that you were
surprised that the Nigerian
economy had not collapsed. You
said it had defied any known logic.
What is the logic of this quest for
president? Is it because Obasanjo
was head of state twice?
Babangida: Bingo!
Dr Damages: Get out of here! You,
IBB, jealous of Obasanjo?
Babangida: Me? Jealous of that
village farmer? No. I was just
ridiculing the simplistic way you
journalists think. I am offering
myself to serve Nigeria on the
basis of my experience and ability
to bring people together.
Dr Damages: Does it matter that
Nigerians are screaming, “thanks,
but no thanks”?
Babangida: What do Nigerians
know? They are like little kids. Give
them candy and they will compose
songs in your honor.
Dr. Damages: Are you enjoying the
notoriety?
Babangida: I won’t go that far in
my description. I think what I am
doing is for the good of our
democracy.
Dr. Damages: What is good in
trying to buy the presidency with
400 billion Naira?
Babangida: Buy? That is another
harsh word from you. In the worst
case, you can call it ‘paying
restitution.’
Dr. Damages: Your critics accuse
you of committing so many crimes
in your eight years in power. You
are accused of killing Dele Giwa,
embezzling $12.5 billion dollars
from the Gulf War oil boom,
annulling the freest election in
Nigeria ’s history. Do Nigerians
deserve an explanation?
Babangida: Of course. But they
have to wait for my memoir.
Dr. Damages: When will it come
out?
Babangida: When it is ready.
Dr. Damages: It has been 17 years
since you left office.
Babangida: You do not hurry when
you write history. After all, Emeka
Ojukwu is yet to publish his Civil
War memoirs.
Dr. Damages: Are you waiting for
those who know what happened
to die first?
Babangida: Maryam is dead.
Dr Damages: I mean people like
former governor Buba Marwa of
Lagos State, Col. H
Halilu Akilu and Col. A. K. Togun.
Babangida: Listen, if you know the
military code and the official code
of conduct, you will know that you
won ’t hear anything from those
men. They are sworn to secrecy. I
want to move Nigeria forward. I
am not looking back or trying to
dig up things that will only end up
hurting Nigeria for generations to
come.
Dr. Damages: You mean if we
waterboard Marwa, Akilu and
Togun, they will not confess?
Babangida: No. People like them
will die with their secrets. You
know that the man who murdered
Gen. Aguiyi Ironsi is still alive? In
fact, every government that
comes into power reward him with
an oil block he does not need. Has
he confessed?
Dr Damages: Isn’t it true that
wounds heal when exposed to the
air?
Babangida: What happened to
Nigeria is not a wound. It is a series
of gang rapes.
Dr Damages: That makes it a
crime. Isn ’t it?
Babangida: Nigeria does not have
enough prisons to hold the
perpetuators.
Dr. Damages: We can afford to
build more. If we can build the
Abuja stadium in record time, we
can definitely build more prisons in
no time.
Babangida: Nigerians do not have
enough tears to shed.
Dr. Damages: We can afford to
import. If we can import fuel with
all the crude oil we produce, we
can equally import tears.
Babangida: My point is that there
is no point looking back. We should
move forward.
Dr. Damages: I understand that
you came to the United States to
attend the Mississippi Political
Summit of the World Igbo
Congress.
Babangida: Don’t mind those fools.
Dr Damages: No, you did not say
that.
Babangida: Yes, I did.
Dr. Damages: I’m confused. It was
alleged that you sponsored that
Summit. Wasn ’t it set up to sell
your campaign for president to the
Igbo people in the Diaspora?
Babangida: I don’t want to talk
about it.
Dr. Damages: Oh, I get it. They
dribbled you, isn ’t it? They sold a
dummy to you.
Babangida: I said I do not want to
talk about it.
Dr. Damages: I see. They used
your play book on you and you
fell for it. They got money from
you to fund a fake Summit where
they promised to galvanize Igbo
opposition to President Jonathan
Goodluck. But at the end,
Goodluck ’s people dispatched an
Ijaw group to Mississippi with more
money than you sent. The Ijaw
group formed an alliance with that
faction of the World Igbo
Congress …
Babangida: (Interrupts). All I will
say is that being married to a
prostitute is a worthless venture.
You should watch and see what I
will do to Ichie Onwuchekwa, Dr.
Ugorji Ugorji and Mr. C. Chikezie.
Those who cross me do not forget
my response. If in doubr, they
should ask Dele Giwa. As long as I
live, they will never practice
politics in that country. I dislike
people who sell their mothers for
money.
Dr. Damages: Talking about living,
and its opposite, dying, a plane
carrying top Nigerian politicians
recently had a near crash in Lagos.
The big men in the plane were
lucky to be alive. Do you ever
envisage your death and how do
you expect Nigerians to react?
Babangida: That was not a near
miss. It was staged.
Dr. Damages: By whom?
Babangida: You all have simplistic
minds.
Dr. Damages: I don’t get it.
Babangida: What did those big
men do the next day? Where did
they go to?
Dr. Damages: I don’t know.
Babangida: They went to their
flamboyant pastors to give thanks
to God.
Dr. Damages: So?
Babangida: You must really be a
mugu. So I have to spell it all out
for you?
Dr. Damages: Unfortunately, yes.
What do you expect when I
studied Gov. Ikedi Ohakem ’s New
York Times bestselling marketing
book for my degree examination?
Babangida: Whatever! Like I was
saying, two of those money-loving
pastors of Lagos-Ibadan
Expressway connived with the
pilot to shake the big men up. Do
you know how much the men
gave the church the next Sunday
as they thanked God for saving
their lives?
Dr. Damages: Is everything a
conspiracy to you?
Babangida: My life is a conspiracy.
Dr. Damages: Please tell,
conspiracy of God or the Devil?
Babangida: I wish I knew.
Dr. Damages: Don’t tell me you
came from the sea?
Babangida: No. But I’m an enigma.
Dr. Damages: Isn’t an enigma an
animal that is capable of hiding its
patterns?
Babangida: Are you calling me an
animal?
Dr. Damages: Of course not. Who
born monkey? (Smirks)
Babangida: Much better.
Dr. Damages: Nothing is more
pathetic than an animal whose
pattern has been identified without
the knowledge of the animal. In
Brazil, a monkey is caught by
simply dropping a fruit inside a
transparent bottle with an opening
that will not allow the monkey to
pull its hand out once it has the
fruit. Because the animal will not
drop the fruit and run even when
the hunter emerges from his
hiding…
Babangida: (Interrupts) Let me
stop you there. You think Nigerians
know my pattern? Why do you
think so? Because Wole Soyinka
turned around at Benin airport
when he heard I was at the Edo
rally?
Dr. Damages: No! Because we
know you were sent to arrest your
friend, Col. B. S. Dimka but when
you got there you let him escape
from the radio station.
Babangida: What does that tell
you?
Dr. Damages: Your scheme was
that if the coup had succeeded,
Dimka would have brought you
into his government for sparing his
life. If it failed, like it did, you
would be called a hero.
Babangida: Give me another
example.
Dr. Damages: You set up Arthur
Nwankwo as a human right
activist. He made press statements
criticizing your government.
Meanwhile, he was also spying for
you. He was the one who brought
Maman Vasta and co into his hotel
room to finalize plans for the Vasta
coup. When his co-conspirators left
his hotel room, he called your
intelligence chief. Soon after Arthur
Nwankwo left for London, your
people moved in and arrested
Vasta and co.
Babangida: Another one.
Dr Damages: In the 90s, during
your transition to nowhere, you
took every ambitious Southern
politician into your bedroom. One
after the other, you told each of
them, in confidence, that you have
decided to hand over power to
them. You even gave them
money and sent them out on
fools ’ arena.
Babangida: Another one.
Dr Damages: How many do you
want me to mention?
Babangida: If that is the pattern,
why haven ’t you people stopped
me?
Dr. Damages: Despite all we have
known about the rat, it continues
to escape with the fish placed on
its trap.
Babangida: Bingo!
Dr. Damages: Until the day it will
be smashed by the dark bottom of
an old woman ’s cooking pot.
Babangida: Let us wait for that
day and that courageous old
woman. What is the point debating
ones farming skills during the
raining season?
Dr. Damages: You know very well
that if there is a credible election in
Nigeria you have zero chance of
being president?
Babangida: Your man, Obasanjo,
said that even Jesus cannot
conduct a credible election. So, isn’t
that my luck?
Dr. Damages: Edwin Madunagu
says that ‘an embrace with
Babangida is an embrace with
death …’
Babangida: (Interrupts) Another
miserable fellow! Don ’t you know
any well fed people to quote?
Dr. Damages: M.K. O. Abiola…
Babangida: (interrupts) Here you
go. I was about to say that you
were the first interviewer who did
not mention that man. (He
murmurs) That man, CIA asset, did
not register as a foreign agent.
You know, nobody will give me
the credit of seeing the neck of the
monkey and still tying him up at
the lower back. Nobody. Umm …
(unintelligent).
Dr. Damages: In your interview
with Compass newspaper, you said
that the Abacha administration
was caused by all of us who
rejected your Shonekan
contraption. Aren ’t you being
disingenuous again in avoiding
responsibility? Would Abacha have
been head of state if you had not
annulled the election of 1993?
Babangida: One day, some
hundred years from now, when
the true history of Nigeria is
written, you all will thank me.
Dr. Damages: In the same
interview, you said that Nigeria will
live for thousands of years. The
CIA gave Nigeria 15 years, with or
without Goodluck. How could you
be so sure of Nigeria ’s longevity
when 100 years ago, there was no
Nigeria? And many of the countries
that were around when Mr.
Fredrick Lugard ’s girlfriend named
the amalgamated Northern and
Southern protectorate, Nigeria, had
disappeared.
Babangida: How will Nigeria break
up when we are connected by
marriage? What will happen to my
children if the North is no longer
connected to the South? That is an
impossibility. And that is one
reason why I’m running for
president – to ensure that Nigeria
lives for thousands of years.
Dr. Damages: Congratulations.
Time magazine recently named
you one of the world ’s most
influential people.
Babangida: (Looks surprised). Na
gode, Allah. In which category?
Dr. Damages: For solving the
Poincare conjecture.
Babangida: Which category is that?
Dr. Damages: Take a guess -
Leadership, artists, thinkers,
heroes, evil geniuses.
Babangida: How do you guys in
America say it; go Bleep yourself.
Dr Damages: You, too. (Looks at
his watch) That is all the time we
have. Good luck to you in the
upcoming elections.
Babangida: Thank you.
Dr Damages: Viewers, that’s the
one and the only Ibrahim
Badamusi Babangida. Until next
time, thank you all for watching
and good night.

Babaginda