Sorry this will be a tad long …

I’m a 39 yo single mother with a very demanding career. I live in europe so dating and finding a mate is almost impossible for me. Lately, I’ve caught baby fever but only have a year or so to try (not even sure it would work)

As of now, I have only 2 options on the table:

1- I get back with my baby daddy. Problem is this S.O.B bailed on me when I got pregnant (after 5 years of relationship) and was a no show for our daughter’s first 18 months.
I had to take him to paternity court to get a reaction. Now he sees her regularly and pays child support.

Since we reconnected, he has been trying to make amends and get back with me time and time again.
I resist because I have some dignity left but I still love him. I also found out that part of the reason why he refused to claim our baby is that he got back with his high school girlfriend when things started to get shaky between us so he had a few months of overlap and got her pregnant too.

He keeps saying he’s on board with us having baby #2 but I know from experience that he is not reliable. Still the big plus here would be to have both my kids from the same father. I still love and know him now like the back of my hand. Marriage would be out off the table and I would wind up in a de facto polygamous partnership. I don’t mind not having the paperwork and when I think about it, most women in my entourage are in similar situations. Some are married to men who have official second wives, married traditionally or religiously or long time mistresses. Since she lives back home and us in the EU, I wouldn’t have to deal with her on a daily basis.

2- I get with this new suitor. He’s my cousin’s best friend and I’ve known him since my teenage years.
I knew back then that he had a thing for me but I was young and his friend’s cousin so he never did anything about it…until a year ago.
We reconnected on FB and since then, we’ve been flirting. He want's us to spend time together and start a relationship.
He’s a decent man, a divorce with an 8yo son. He has a good situation back home as head of a bank but the distance is a real problem. He doesn’t have enough time to travel back and forth so it would be up to me to commute. To top it all, it would be a brand new relationship to build from the ground up and it would take months before I know if it’s a viable one and probably years before we even consider taking it to the next level. So in this case, it would be too late for me to try for another baby and I would never do an "ooops" baby to any man.

So now I'm in a dilemma. Go with the devil I know, try for baby 2 but accept to share him with another woman or strat from fresh, take a chance and forget about having another child.
What would you do ?

Lucky you. Many of your mates would choose having a kid over being in a relationship. Dedicate time to your child. If you must be in a relationship, let it be with your child's father, otherwise, just chill out and enjoy your bundle of joy. Don't be selfish, put your kid before yourself in making such decisions. I know you must be craving sexual activity but think with your head and not your heart. As for the guy in Nigeria, don't try it. I repeat, no try am if you no want your heart shattered. He's a big boy with pussy flocking around him.



Plus, you're on a continent where you can find genuine love at any age. Unlike Africa where once you cross the threshold of 40, you can only either play second fiddle to someone's wife or have a boytoy grease your engine occasionally.

Dominique, please advise this sister.

Only a man who is truly in love would want to go back to his baby mama after a long breakup.

But the harsh fact is, your baby daddy is out rightly irresponsible. How could he make the same mistake twice? Maybe he has no plans of getting married ever; hence his decision to have two baby mamas

Well, like you said, the devil you know is better than the angel you don't know.

My own advice would've been that you forget both men together. You've been doing without them before now. Pls seek relationship outside these two pple. Be patient enough and don't jump at any of them just because of your predicament. Your baby daddy is a big mistake and if I were you I wount condone nonsense, why will I come me back to you after you left and impregnated another lady, and why will I be in a long distance relationship that gives rise to infidelity. Ma, be patient, pray, seek Gods face and He'll surely make away. Again forget both guys for now. May the good God guide you.

you’re almost 40 and now your leg dey shake why not go and buy sp3rm do IVF Jejelly?

Hate me if you wanna! Most Naija women for Europe no dey get smooth relationship cuz Of Work Work Work Work + their bossy ways

From what you wrote up there, all you want is a second baby and you're looking for a sperm donor and hopefully child support payer okwaya?

Advice to you: Get back with your baby Daddy and get going.

Advice to your suitor : Dude, Never be a step Dad. It sucks.
Move on. You would never be priority, the kid would always come first.

Guys need to go MGTOW. Put yourself first.

I think the baby daddy is your best shot here. It would be nice for your kids to be full siblings. Who knows what the bank head might do too

Let me see anyone create a thread to say some women dont want Polygamy and/or short change themselves again

If you just want a second baby without marriage, then your baby daddy. But dont complain or have high expectations. He dated you for 5 years abi how long again, left you and in less than a year, got together with someone else and had a baby with her. Im shocked you havent accepted that you are second fiddle to him and hes not that into you.

The Divorcee abi widower in Nigeria:- why not start and build a relationship with him first and see where it leads. You are no spring chicken and so is he, you guys are best fit,Imo. And if all goes well, one of you might relocate.

Just because you want your kids to be of the same father you are considering that irresponsible man?That's a poor option.
Forget about the Naija guy,it won't really work except you plan to relocate.

You can still find love where you are.Just keep your options open.

ShilohEagle:
My own advice would've been that you forget both men together. You've been doing without them before now. Pls seek relationship outside these two pple. Be patient enough and don't jump at any of them just because of your predicament. Your baby daddy is a big mistake and if I were you I wount condone nonsense, why will I come me back to you after you left and impregnated another lady, and why will I be in a long distance relationship that gives rise to infidelity. Ma, be patient, pray, seek Gods face and He'll surely make away. Again forget both guys for now. May the good God guide you.

Op I would suggest you take this advice.
But judging from your post it seems you want to take your baby daddy back.To me that could be a huge mistake he may continue to use you and take you for granted since he knows that he can always apologise and you would forgive.It seems you are used to taking Bs from him.He didn't treat you right before so do you think he can now.It doesn't matter if the children have the same father or not what matters is that they are well trained.Op think this through there is no need to rush.The right man may not be either of them.Do not let age be a factor the search for that someone who can give you your happiness,love and companionship knows no age.

My sperm is for sell. No wanking...

Take back your baby daddy. We all make mistakes.

Earthbound:
Lucky you. Many of your mates would choose having a kid over being in a relationship. Dedicate time to your child. If you must be in a relationship, let it be with your child's father, otherwise, just chill out and enjoy your bundle of joy. Don't be selfish, put your kid before yourself in making such decisions. I know you must be craving sexual activity but think with your head and not your heart. As for the guy in Nigeria, don't try it. I repeat, no try am if you no want your heart shattered. He's a big boy with pussy flocking around him.



Plus, you're on a continent where you can find genuine love at any age. Unlike Africa where once you cross the threshold of 40, you can only either play second fiddle to someone's wife or have a boytoy grease your engine occasionally.

Dominique, please advise this sister.

who is deceiving you genuine love exist only in Europe?..continue in your fallacy

Zoharariel:
Take back your baby daddy. We all make mistakes.

take a serial sperm donor, with another child outside..... someone who bailed off when his babe was pregnant?....

forget this two people and find someone better jhoor

Why are people advising her to go back to her baby daddy? Someone who did not give a damn about her nor the child till a court order mandated him to pay child support?

Issokay.

The two options will not work.
You should not limit yourself between an iresponsible babydaddy(who is probably ONLY good in bed) and a mischievous man pretending to have something for you.
At this age, all you should be thinking of is how to be happy and and take care of your baby.
Your time for marriage and having a happy home and all that we see in movies is almost up.
Forget both men and enjoy yourself. Love will find you.

Wetin be "oops baby"?

In my opinion, and thats all it is, an opinion; neither man will give you the joy and satisfaction you long for. Move on. Pray (if you do).

Smh

Earthbound:
Lucky you. Many of your mates would choose having a kid over being in a relationship. Dedicate time to your child. If you must be in a relationship, let it be with your child's father, otherwise, just chill out and enjoy your bundle of joy. Don't be selfish, put your kid before yourself in making such decisions. I know you must be craving sexual activity but think with your head and not your heart. As for the guy in Nigeria, don't try it. I repeat, no try am if you no want your heart shattered. He's a big boy with pussy flocking around him.

This is d best advice.

For proper bounding let your children have same father, it helps a lot.
Pls just see him(baby Dady) as a sperm donor and nothing else unless he proves otherwise and don't have high hope unless he gives you have reasons to.

I Heard that old wine tastes better...But you can try the new one win if u feel it is ok.....Grasses are not always greener on the other side of the wall you know....

There's a saying.... the devil you know is better than the angel u don't know....

I would have advised that you stay on your own since you are doing better with a man..but since that is not an option... then.. do what you feel is right...

lilbabe79:
Sorry this will be a tad long …

I’m a 39 yo single mother with a very demanding career. I live in europe so dating and finding a mate is almost impossible for me. Lately, I’ve caught baby fever but only have a year or so to try (not even sure it would work)

As of now, I have only 2 options on the table:

1- I get back with my baby daddy. Problem is this S.O.B bailed on me when I got pregnant (after 5 years of relationship) and was a no show for our daughter’s first 18 months.
I had to take him to paternity court to get a reaction. Now he sees her regularly and pays child support.

Since we reconnected, he has been trying to make amends and get back with me time and time again.
I resist because I have some dignity left but I still love him. I also found out that part of the reason why he refused to claim our baby is that he got back with his high school girlfriend when things started to get shaky between us so he had a few months of overlap and got her pregnant too.

He keeps saying he’s on board with us having baby #2 but I know from experience that he is not reliable. Still the big plus here would be to have both my kids from the same father. I still love and know him now like the back of my hand. Marriage would be out off the table and I would wind up in a de facto polygamous partnership. I don’t mind not having the paperwork and when I think about it, most women in my entourage are in similar situations. Some are married to men who have official second wives, married traditionally or religiously or long time mistresses. Since she lives back home and us in the EU, I wouldn’t have to deal with her on a daily basis.

2- I get with this new suitor. He’s my cousin’s best friend and I’ve known him since my teenage years.
I knew back then that he had a thing for me but I was young and his friend’s cousin so he never did anything about it…until a year ago.
We reconnected on FB and since then, we’ve been flirting. He want's us to spend time together and start a relationship.
He’s a decent man, a divorce with an 8yo son. He has a good situation back home as head of a bank but the distance is a real problem. He doesn’t have enough time to travel back and forth so it would be up to me to commute. To top it all, it would be a brand new relationship to build from the ground up and it would take months before I know if it’s a viable one and probably years before we even consider taking it to the next level. So in this case, it would be too late for me to try for another baby and I would never do an "ooops" baby to any man.

So now I'm in a dilemma. Go with the devil I know, try for baby 2 but accept to share him with another woman or strat from fresh, take a chance and forget about having another child.
What would you do ?

If you start afresh and he bails on you or changes too, you would never forgive yourself....

My brief advice..... Baby Daddy is your best bet. Set a default position to be a single mother (so long has he keeps paying children support). You are good to go.... Both kids from the same dad, is always better....