Pls folks, I need help. I have a burning issue in my heart and it's threatening to break my home. Have been married for 8 years and my husband runs his own business while I also have a very good job. Hubby is the first son and only educated amongst his siblings and he is a professional. Unfortunately his siblings
dropped out of school because of either their irresponsibility, greed and stubbornness. Hubby is the first son and only educated one in his family. His siblings are all adults with their own families but still depend on him for financial support and unfortunately, their demands are endless. His only sister is a widow with multiple children. This sister of his thinks her children are my hubby's responsibility - to train them and provide for her needs and he (hubby) has taken it upon himself to do that.

It wasn't an issue earlier in our marriage but even when our kids started coming, he still channels all his resources to the sister and her kids as well as his other siblings, leaving me to shoulder all the responsibilities - paying the bills, school fees, feeding house rents until I built us a place, feeding, etc. It is very important to mention that yes, he makes the money but feels he has a mandate in life to help people in need and pls don't get me wrong. I am a great giver.

Now the challenge is that I have become bitter over time and I'm heart broken as matters concerning me and my kids are disregarded. To worsen the whole issue, that same sister of his hates me and have incited other family members against me. They treat me as a complete outcaste. During one of the family meetings, I was told to my face that I stole their brother. I wept non-stop that night till the next day cause I have been the one being exploited. I continued to ignore their actions and still maintain my calm until recently, I came into the room and overheard my husband's telephone discussion with his younger brother. I heard my husband explaining that his niece and nephew didn't move in with us cause my sister was with us. You needed to see the way my brother in-law was vibrating on the phone and threatening fire and brimstone as per why would my sister be in our house instead of his neice. This same brother in-law feels he is the "Commanding Officer and the one to call the shots" in my marriage. He called me once when I delivered to tell me his mom will come for my omugwo and I waived it off as maybe he was just excited or maybe he has had too much to drink that day. Of course, hubby and i already had plans to bring mama over to spend time with us after the baby arrives but for the guy to tell us who will do omugwo for my first child was odd.

I personally think my husband is aiding them in their attitude and I have repeatedly made my husband to understand the consequences of his actions all to no avail.

I have decided to move on cause I cannot remain an outcaste and at the same time not at least havesupportive husband. I would rather stay on my own than die prematurely from the pains I am feeling right now.

Pls I need advise from the married men and ladies in the house.

My Advice: Call your husband to a one -on-one meeting and express your feelings to him. Let him understand it is unwise to leave one's responsibility to take care of others. However, with a soft tone

Why is it that when a woman wants to make a complaint about her husband, she lets the whole world know she did things.

I pray I dont marry a non-understanding woman. To assist my family is now a problem..

I guess you told the story from your own angle where it will favour you but let's hear from the other party before we advise. Like the elders always say, there is no smoke without fire.

dingbang:
Why is it that when a woman wants to make a complaint about her husband, she lets the whole world know she did things.

I pray I dont marry a non-understanding woman. To assist my family is now a problem..

And this is what you got from the story?

Na wa.

dingbang:
Why is it that when a woman wants to make a complaint about her husband, she lets the whole world know she did things.

I pray I dont marry a non-understanding woman. To assist my family is now a problem..

My brother, don't misunderstand me. I have absolutely no problem with helping relatives. I am only saying don't ignore your own family because even heavens will judge you for abandoning your own children to be shinning outside

Briller:



My brother, don't misunderstand me. I have absolutely no problem with helping relatives. I am only saying don't ignore your own family because even heavens will judge you for abandoning your own children to be shinning outside

let us hear from his own side first..

Your sister is with u..@ the place where u and your husband is living....she was not paying bills there was she? ..... case closed.....

My only advice to you is to try and save for rainy days....

@Briller,

Happy new year.

Your brother is the only successful/hardworking sibling so naturally, all others are on his neck.

His siblings feel entitled to his wealth (rightfully or not) so you have double whammy.

What should you do?

1. Know the genuine source of your husband's wealth. On the surface, it might seem your in-laws are lazy however, you don't know if they sacrificed their education for him to make it. You don't know if they joined their destinies to his because he had the most promise. It might also be that he is the sacrificial lamb for the family. Most families have them.

2. Know how your husband sees you. He might see you as an addition to his existing family or building a new family with you which is an offshoot of his previous nuclear family.

If scenario 1: then you have to build your family alone. I am sorry you will keep expending your resources alone, just pray that God continues to provide for you.

If scenario 2: tell your husband and you both has to focus your nuclear family as nobody would do that for you. He should help his extended family, however, your family comes first.

3. Now your husband's stance on in-laws. He told his brother his kids couldn't come because of your sister might be stating a fact or inciting further problems. He might be an akonwonjo on either side.

4. I don't understand how someone not with you can 'control' your home. You already planned your MIL was coming for omugwo, your BIL hammering it does nothing to you. If you planned that your mom was coming and hubby changed his mind because of your BIL, then we have a problem.

Good luck.

Nothing u can do. During courtship u saw the situation. U still married him. Abeg leave us

To be honest, the details are kinda sketchy cos you are the one wearing the shoes and hubby may have a different version entirely.

I would suggest patience, maturity using wisdom and prayers.

These matters are best handled on ur knees.

Receive peace in ur home IJN

dingbang:
Why is it that when a woman wants to make a complaint about her husband, she lets the whole world know she did things.

I pray I dont marry a non-understanding woman. To assist my family is now a problem..

You're very biased. This isn't a sound judgement. Must you help everyone to the detriment of neglecting your own family?

Once you marry, your wife and children comes first, whatever or whomever that follows is just an add-on, but the priority's needs must be met first!

No one said he shouldn't help his family, and if he prefers, his whole village, never just leave dump responsibilities on your wife!
The OP too get joy, I'd have neglected everything totally, if he likes, he does them, if he likes, he shouldn't.

You, Dingbang, aren't sound in giving judgements, and I'm totally unapologetic about this comment!

dingbang:
let us hear from his own side first..

Imagine this! So, until he shows up, you can't judge rightly?

You're just the definition of a sentimental human.

OP. I admire your steadfastness and patience in times like this. As it is, I'm already fuming to a comment a Nairalander made up there. So much sentimental folks.

You have to let him choose between you and your kids and his family, not at the detriment of leaving responsibilities for you. Look, you're a woman, and as such, you should know how to use your veto power, not insultively, but enforcing it maturedly that he'd see many ways not to reject your request. Things like these are what scares and irks me about marriage, but then, I accept that challenges will surely come.

Your husband isn't a MAN. I'm not even sure he can give rational decisions, let alone make them. As a rule of thumb, I'll never accommodate any family member to stay in my home for a lengthy period when I get married. I love my solitude, peace and sanity. NONE. Not even my sisters, brothers or whatever, and I expect my husband to adopt same measure. This isn't hostility, but it's a measure to be taken so that it doesn't give room for snitches prying into private and sensitive matters of another's family.

He mustn't live to please everyone. He possibly cannot help every member of his family. The only help they need is a JOB. Leeches inform of relatives.

Look. Have a heart to heart talk with him. If he blatantly downtalks your opinion, serve him a rational decision on a platter of gold. Stop covering for his loopholes, but take care of your children. Don't join to pay the bills, let him do them himself. Since he doesn't want to have sense, get him one in the grocery store.

I repeat, your WIFE and CHILDREN must come first, whatever/whomever that follows is inconsequential. I have no time for arguments.

dingbang:
Why is it that when a woman wants to make a complaint about her husband, she lets the whole world know she did things.

I pray I dont marry a non-understanding woman. To assist my family is now a problem..

grow up, she was only letting us know the situation of things

Babe, I know that feeling. Save save and save. Rainy day comes in different forms. Don't be taken unawares. Invest your money. Protect your family. Those beautiful children, secure their future. Be strengthened

I want to say a big thank you to all who have taken time to offer their words of advise, counsel, criticisms - both positive and otherwise, and above all encouragement.

I pray that the Lord will honor you all and give you success & peace in your various endeavors.

UyaiIncomparabl:
OP. I admire your steadfastness and patience in times like this. As it is, I'm already fuming to a comment a Nairalander made up there. So much sentimental folks.

You have to let him choose between you and your kids and his family, not at the detriment of leaving responsibilities for you. Look, you're a woman, and as such, you should know how to use your veto power, not insultively, but enforce it maturedly that he'd see many ways not to reject your request. Things like these are what scares and irks me about marriage, but then, I accept that challenges will surely come.

Your husband isn't a MAN. I'm not even sure he can give rational decisions, let alone make them. As a rule of thumb, I'll never accommodate any family member to stay in my home for a lengthy period when I get married. I love my solitude, peace and sanity. NONE. Not even my sisters, brothers or whatever, and I expect my husband to adopt same measure. This isn't hostility, but it's a measure to be taken so that it doesn't give room for snitches prying into private and sensitive matters of another's family.

He mustn't live to please everyone. He possibly cannot help every member of his family. The only help they need is a JOB. Leeches inform of relatives.

Look. Have a heart to heart talk with him. If he blatantly downtalks your opinion, serve him a rational decision on a platter of gold. Stop covering for his loopholes, but take care of your children. Don't join to pay the bills, let him do them himself. Since he doesn't want to have sense, get him one in the grocery store.

I repeat, your WIFE and CHILDREN must come first, whatever that follows is inconsequential. I have no time for arguments.

You will be the paragon of a wicked spouse. You are bereft of facilities that incite empathy or sympathy.

Infact you are a sociopath. Having a chequered upbringing is bad.

This is africa where we have little benefits from the government hence we do everything ourselves ranging from taking care of siblings to even in laws.
It's part of our heritage.

Having gone through your post i must appreciate your patience all this while. i would like to ask you this few questions ;

1. Deep inside your heart how do you see your husband brothers and sisters? ( as your own family or as pests)
2.Do you provide for your own brothers and sisters secretly ?
3. Do you discuss about your husband family to outsiders? ( " it is the rat inside that tells the rat outside that the is food in the house" )
4. Do you pray for your husband family ?
5. What is impression each time you sights your husband family members?
6. Have you done a background research on the relationship and bounds in your husband family
7. Have ever decided an idea to set up something doing for at least one of your husband brothers? ( this will surely go along way to prove your concern for the family)

i believe after answering these few questions you will get the solution your looking for.

UyaiIncomparabl:


You're very biased. This isn't a sound judgement. Must you help everyone to the detriment of neglecting your own family?

Once you marry, your wife and children comes first, whatever or whomever that follows is just an add-on, but the priority's needs must be met first!

No one said he shouldn't help his family, and if he prefers, his whole village, never just leave dump responsibilities on your wife!
The OP too get joy, I'd have neglected everything totally, if he likes, he does them, if he likes, he shouldn't.

You, Dingbang, aren't sound in giving judgements, and I'm totally unapologetic about this comment!

wife and children over mother?are you ok?

nwanneni:
wife and children over mother?are you ok?

Yes. I'm very okay. Oh, I see, you must be an Igbo man.

And it says 'and a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife'.

Your wife should come first.
Then your children, and then your mother or whoever you like to tag along. Very selfish men we have around us.

Contumely:



You will be the paragon of a wicked spouse. You are bereft of facilities that incite empathy or sympathy.

Infact you are a sociopath. Having a chequered upbringing is bad.

This is africa where we have little benefits from the government hence we do everything ourselves ranging from taking care of siblings to even in laws.
It's part of our heritage.

You can say whatever.
I'm not hostile. That's just the needful.

UyaiIncomparabl:


Yes. I'm very okay. Oh, I see, you must be an Igbo man.

And it says 'and a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife'.

Your wife should come first.
Then your children, and then your mother or whoever you like to tag along. Very selfish men we have around us.

yes,i am an igbo man from Anambra state.
We don't joke with our parents and siblings.
In my culture,when one person sees light,he owes it to his brothers to show them the light as well.we do not welcome one man captain in our kingdred!
The husband simply has to put his siblings in place if at all he is rich,but if he is struggling,then we can bare with him.
That is our way.

nwanneni:
wife and children over mother?are you ok?

Guy you want to love your mum over your kids?

Kene1245:
Having gone through your post i must appreciate your patience all this while. i would like to ask you this few questions ;

1. Deep inside your heart how do you see your husband brothers and sisters? ( as your own family or as pests)
2.Do you provide for your own brothers and sisters secretly ?
3. Do you discuss about your husband family to outsiders? ( " it is the rat inside that tells the rat outside that the is food in the house" )
4. Do you pray for your husband family ?
5. What is impression each time you sights your husband family members?
6. Have you done a background research on the relationship and bounds in your husband family
7. Have ever decided an idea to set up something doing for at least one of your husband brothers? ( this will surely go along way to prove your concern for the family)

i believe after answering these few questions you will get the solution your looking for.

Thank you for the questions you raised. I have cross examined myself based on the issues raised and I can tell you I have not faulted on any way. I'm not being biased.
1. I see them as family - brothers and sisters buy they have this mindset that now their brother is married, he may not continue carrying their responsibilities.

2. I am very open with my finances, discussingbin details every spending and I believe that was my greatest undoing.

3. I introverted and have borne this all alone. I only came to this platform cause I believe it is anonymous as I even feel ashamed to discuss such with anyone.

4. I ask God to bless everybody around us so as to reduce the hatred that comes with poverty and lack.

5. I'm a naturally warm person and I treat them as family. His cousins and other relatives always visit but his immediate siblings and their families have their mindset about me. Even when I call them on the phone, you could sense the deep seated resentment (even on the phone)

6. The relationship is good. They are a closely-knit family so any external person is a threat to the bond.

7. Started something for 2 of them already but some people are just too hard to please. They still want to dump their responsibilities on other people. Maybe you have never met people who try to usurp you at every opportunity they get. Before mama passed, her sickness was a lucrative venture for them as they were taking turns to exploit us for her upkeep until we decided to take her in and she lived with us until she finally went to be with the Lord.

It's really very deep

Unfortunately it will never end, people like these are usually very entitled.

My father was the only educated and successful one in his family too, in fact he trained himself in school because his father felt spending money on getting an education when he could go learn a trade was a waste of money.

But he finished school and became successful and the leeches he call family came to suck him dry.
His siblings kept breeding and dumping in the village for him to train, burials, marriages of his sisters Nko?

My quiet mum became a nag because she talked all the time, and his family hated her and called her a witch that has come to steal their brother.
I saw all this growing up and it made me decide never to marry into a family with poverty stricken uneducated in-laws, they are the worst kind of mistake you will make.

You people will never be able to set money aside for any project, because something must always come up. While you’re doing family planning, they are breeding everyday because they know that you will always help even if it’s out of shame.

My father retired from the civil service at a very senior level with practically nothing compared to the people on same level with him at work, except for the properties and the houses my mother made him build and buy using fight and quarrel.
Most times when they save up for a big project, family problem will come and he will sometimes hide and spend that money without even informing my mum, lots of opportunities were missed out on because of family wahala.

All those his siblings that he spent a life time buying trucks, starting businesses and sending abroad not one of them really amounted to anything.
You won’t believe that he still fends for some of them from his pension till date. So my dear, your husband is enabling not helping and he won’t be able to stop.

Just make your own plans for yourself and your kids, and stop using your money to do things that he should do.

Briller:



Thank you for the questions you raised. I have cross examined myself based on the issues raised and I can tell you I have not faulted on any way. I'm not being biased.
1. I see them as family - brothers and sisters buy they have this mindset that now their brother is married, he may not continue carrying their responsibilities.

2. I am very open with my finances, discussingbin details every spending and I believe that was my greatest undoing.

3. I introverted and have borne this all alone. I only came to this platform cause I believe it is anonymous as I even feel ashamed to discuss such with anyone.

4. I ask God to bless everybody around us so as to reduce the hatred that comes with poverty and lack.

5. I'm a naturally warm person and I treat them as family. His cousins and other relatives always visit but his immediate siblings and their families have their mindset about me. Even when I call them on the phone, you could sense the deep seated resentment (even on the phone)

6. The relationship is good. They are a closely-knit family so any external person is a threat to the bond.

7. Started something for 2 of them already but some people are just too hard to please. They still want to dump their responsibilities on other people. Maybe you have never met people who try to usurp you at every opportunity they get. Before mama passed, her sickness was a lucrative venture for them as they were taking turns to exploit us for her upkeep until we decided to take her in and she lived with us until she finally went to be with the Lord.

It's really very deep

Your swift response to these questions shows your desire to truly sought this issue out, I must commend you for starting something for 2 of them.

ALL YOU NEED NOW IS CONSTANT PRAYER WITH A CLEAN HEART TO GOD ALMIGHTY TO RESTORE LOVE TO YOUR FAMILY AS A WHOLE.
because Love conquers all.

Also note this;

1. God works in a mysterious way which is beyond our human reasoning, That's why he has made you financially stable to fill in the gap where your husband couldn't , think about this what if i didn't have anything doing?

2. The expectations on every first male child from average home of african decent is high such that it becomes in built from childhood to the grave , that's why your husband will never see anything he has done for his family as a big thing; even he will want to do more there by neglecting his own kids, Don't blame him and you can't even stop it because the passion is naturally.

3. Every marriage has a cross and i must tell you this is your cross as a wife .

4. Both of you should open a single account tagged ' Family ' and each month you both should make it mandatory to deposit at least 30% of your salary in the account , this will go along way for rainy days.

5. Do not let your kids see their father as a neglect dad rather teach them to understand that their dad has lot of responsibilities.

once more pray always for love in the family.

CanadianNaija:
Unfortunately it will never end, people like these are usually very entitled.

My father was the only educated and successful one in his family too, in fact he trained himself in school because his father felt spending money on getting an education when he could go learn a trade was a waste of money.

But he finished school and became successful and the leeches he call family came to suck him dry.
His siblings kept breeding and dumping in the village for him to train, burials, marriages of his sisters Nko?

My quiet mum became a nag because she talked all the time, and his family hated her and called her a witch that has come to steal their brother.
I saw all this growing up and it made me decide never to marry into a family with poverty stricken uneducated in-laws, they are the worst kind of mistake you will make.

You people will never be able to set money aside for any project, because something must always come up. While you’re doing family planning, they are breeding everyday because they know that you will always help even if it’s out of shame.

My father retired from the civil service at a very senior level with practically nothing compared to the people on same level with him at work, except for the properties and the houses my mother made him build and buy using fight and quarrel.
Most times when they save up for a big project, family problem will come and he will sometimes hide and spend that money without even informing my mum, lots of opportunities were missed out on because of family wahala.

All those his siblings that he spent a life time buying trucks, starting businesses and sending abroad not one of them really amounted to anything.
You won’t believe that he still fends for some of them from his pension till date. So my dear, your husband is enabling not helping and he won’t be able to stop.

Just make your own plans for yourself and your kids, and stop using your money to do things that he should do.

Op take this advice. There is nothing like prayer here. If you withdraw your financial support, he will get sense. This is the best advice ever.

Why would a grown up Woman or Man expect his sibling to cater for his or her responsibilities? This is the highest height of irresponsibility. Don't they have hands to work? Africans have a lot of issues, mehn.


@ Op, you have tried. It is time to take this matter up in Fasting and Prayer. Pray them out of your life and your husband's life. It is funny to see people who love living on other people's sweat. I made up my mind long ago never to depend on any of my siblings or friends. I hustle hard and always look for opportunities every day.

First of all, you need to stop with the need to want to please everybody.

Secondly I hope the house papers are in your name or kids name, this isn't about fake submission, God forbid he dies the next day they are probably kicking you out because a husband like yours will leave his family as next of kin.

Thirdly, share bills and responsibilities. Sit with him, have a clear and concise monthly household running budget including fees, water, food, light gen etc. Pick the ones you will do let him pick his own. If for example he picks light, water and food the day food finishes and he gives excuses buy for your kids and shut down, you enable this behavior by taking all the responsibilities and he is also setting you up to look like the devil while he pleases his unsatisfied family.


Then stop with the people pleasing. If they don't like you relax and enjoy your life and stop trying to force it.

Meanwhile I hope you have a savings, if you don't please check with all these banks that give interest for savings and start, those asset management accounts where you put money and cannot take out anyhow, save your money and watch it grow, the job won't be there forever and when money no dey you will see full scale hatred by his family and even your husband.

Time to start planning your future and kids future .

Single women stop doing audition during dating use the time to discuss these things, family finance and role of inlaws in your life

You married a man who is his family's only source of income, an IGBO man?!!! That makes you an automatic enemy na!!!

Nne, there is not much you can do o.
Just save well, because someday he will realize he didn't prioritize right.

Everyone does that

dingbang:
Why is it that when a woman wants to make a complaint about her husband, she lets the whole world know she did things.

I pray I dont marry a non-understanding woman. To assist my family is now a problem..