Leadership is a hard job. Ask the past leaders who sincerely gave their all in trying hard to be a fucknut and they’d tell you it’s not easy. Now assuming you decided you could do the job perfectly, and you also decided to inhabit the bodies of the leaders on this list , then this is what you’ll get..

Warning: please, do not smash your screen due to an unprecedented high level of disappointment in the elected or selected officials running the system.

5. Launching Of An ATM In Cameroon.



One of the duties of the Government is to make the lives of its people not suck too much. Many Governments achieve this through reasonable ways, like building and commissioning roads, hospitals, schools, ATMs, airports and oh! Did I say ATMs? Yes I did, and now you can’t unread it.

Probably because the ATM in question was designed by Zeus or some alien with the ability to communicate with you via telepathy, Banga Ntolo (you) decided commissioning an ATM would score him bonus points from the people and also ensure his generation gets applauded for this singular act of community service.

As was expected, the ATM had flowers and ribbons and a walk way, plus paparazzi presence to take pictures, because pictures don’t lie and are eternal. Don’t laugh too much, it’s Cameroon after all.

A conversation between two reporters might have gone like this:
Reporter 1 : I heard there’s a big commissioning to be unveiled.
Reporter 2 : Yes, we’re finally gonna see an ATM for the first time. I’m so glad I got the chance to be present.
Reporter 1 : Oh really? I’ve always known he was the right choice.
After which common sense decides to leave the venue with a heavy heart filled with disappointment and contempt.

4. Katsina State Governor Empowers Secondary School Students With Goats.



Being a Governor isn’t always a roller coaster ride. You have the needs of millions of people to take care of. Everyone is expecting something from you, whether it’s monetary gifts or just basic amenities. Since you won’t be able to please everyone, you decide to create an empowerment scheme, since it’s the rave of the moment. After the logistics, you narrow the beneficiaries down to secondary school students, because they’re the future. Seeing as the FG’s major talking point is agriculture, you decide you can do one better by giving out goats instead of seedlings, because goats are more expensive and anybody who doesn’t appreciate it is just plain stupid.

If you read up to this point, and you’re nodding your head in agreement, then congratulations on being the Governor of Katsina State. I am sure his thoughts were like ‘I’ll give some a male goat, others a female goat, they’d mate and bear small cute goatlings, and maybe end up getting married because they’re now one big happy family’. Humanity doesn’t disappoint.

3. Kano State Governor Empowers His People With #208m Worth Noodles.



Let’s say you were ridiculed in your former position as the Governor of Katsina because those wailers don’t understand your perspective, and can’t appreciate your kind gesture of giving out expensive goats, you took a night bus to Kano, became a Governor because of your track record, and decided to reward the people with another empowerment scheme. This time, you did your investigations and found out that everyone in Kano is addicted to taking tea and eating noodles, because it is a deep rooted cultural recipe, you chose tea sellers (Masu Shayi) as your beneficiaries, and spent #208 million purchasing life changing items like noodles and tins of milk and tea. Are you liking the idea? If you are, then you just became Dr Ganduje, Kano State Governor.
‘He did something for his people’, you might say. ‘What have you ever done for your people’?, you might argue. My response would be ‘His people are happy about it, so who tf am I to criticise?’ after which I’ll down three energy drinks, because thinking about you is exhausting.

2. Reps Member Empowers Borno Youths With Shoe Shining Kits, Bags Of Oranges.



So, after your stint as a Governor in two states, the forces of sanity and common sense decided to join hands or antennas or whatever, to kick you out and lock the doors to all your governorship aspirations, you MacGyver a solution and you got elected into the House of Reps in another state. Feeling overjoyed and wanting to give back to the people for their unshakeable believe in you, even when it’s apparent that you’re a huge symbol of everything going wrong in public offices, you feel the people of your state have suffered enough terrorist attacks and the best jobs for their youths is to become shoe shiners (because other shoe shiners in Lagos have built houses in their native homes) or orange dealers (because orange sellers sounds poor, and it’s a good way to keep them occupied while you rake in insane figures on a monthly basis).

Welcome to the world of Honourable Ahmed Usman, who really believed he was doing something so humongous that even Bill Gates would never have the balls to pull it off.
Pic: each basket contains 1.5 million naira worth of tears and disappointment. It’s expensive is what I’m saying.
At this point, it wouldn’t be a bad idea if a wealthier country just takes a look at us and decide to help us out of our misery by buying the country and ‘settling’ all of us. Individually, of course.

1. Rochas Creates Post Of Commissioner For Happiness.



During the outrage and riots against you in Borno for scoring a hat-trick of fuckery, incompetence and douche baggery, you escape and came down to the East. Figuring out that those ungrateful pricks were ungrateful because they were hardly ever happy, what with all the killings and poverty, you played a fast one on the allied forces of sanity and common sense, won the Governorship position in Imo State, and created the office of the Commissioner for Happiness, because everyone deserves to be happy irrespective of what they’re going through and it must be enforced. And also because you felt you had to redeem yourself and prove your haters wrong.

What more can we say? You might end up leaving the office smacking your lips and muttering how well you’ve performed, but the violence in the State shows that either the Commissioner for Happiness isn’t working because she’s too happy she has gotten an official position, or the people just don’t give a Bleep about you and your commissioners. Either way, you’re truly the most inept public officer to have walked this part of the continent in recent times.

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