A Quickie Please

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."
( I HOPE UNA KNOW WHAT A QUICHE IS?)

i love dat vicks, keep em coming

anoda 1
Blind pilot




1 man was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time they took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, they stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if they wanted to get off the aircraft, they would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. He noticed the man as he was walkin by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're going to be in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off andstretch your legs?"

Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

The stupid lair


A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.

He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.

"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"

The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.

"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."

The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.

The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.

"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.

"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.

Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

this 1 is dedicated 2 the dumb ladies in da house if u're dumb lady comment on this

ITK

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

DUMB MARRIAGE

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, Don't screw up."

abeg vicks, about 54 of my ribs don dey shake, no kill me for here oooo

Dis particular 1 is dedicated to ma honeypie Efemena_xyten


reasons studying is bera than sex are,


10. You can usually find someone to do it with,

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser."

4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.

3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help.

Ben i knw say u no go believe me but shey na until when i begin piss for body u go believe

Dis 1 is 4 element zinc's ribs

FUCKING EAR

A man walks into a doctor's office and says, "I have a problem with my dick!"

The lady at the counter says, "Sir, we do not say words like that at the doctors office! Now leave and come back and replace "Dick" with some other body part like "Ear."

The man does as he's told and comes back in and says, "I have a problem with ma  fucking  ear (ma dick)."

Thinking he was talking about his ear the lady the says, "What is  wrong wit it man?"

To which the man replied, "I can't piss out of it!"
****de rest they say is history***
the lady fainted

Great jokes, stilll lmao

**Subscribing**

Vicks, you try!  

vicks don kill me oooooo shey dem no go sack me, dis one wey i dey laugh like mad man for office, peeps go thinks say i don craze

tanimz:

**Subscribing**

Vicks, you try!  

tanx ma dear

ma last joke of the day which will get element fired for been crazy

the greedy boy
scroll down plss
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2 b continued 2moro

Vic2k3:

tanx ma dear

No problem, can't wait till tomorrow.

vicks u don kolo finish honestly

Spyker:

Great jokes, stilll lmao

tanx genderless human being(no offense meant)

Vicks!!

These are all excellent jokes! - never heard them b/4

Loved the joke about the pilot and the dog  

Kudos to you!! - keep 'em rolling pls  

Efemena_xy:

Vicks!!

These are all excellent jokes! - never heard them b/4

Loved the joke about the pilot and the dog  

Kudos to you!! - keep 'em rolling pls  

thinking **trouble dey e b like say i go ma word to satisfy my love**
welcome dear

whoever says dis jokes are stale is a castrated fish , vicks your jokes were off d hook, infact u av made my day only dat right now i av to go home to change my trousers (u knw wat i mean, dont say it oo, u knw efe is here now)

anoda 1 for ma efe

Bragging
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

man dat american is talented ooo, only once and she was begging for more
vicks which one do u categorize urself in

Element G:

man dat american is talented ooo, only once and she was begging for more
vicks which one do u categorize urself in

friend that na b.o.oby trap oo but i like the Italian
dis censor na stupid computer e no know English o see b.ooby don become bosom

na so im dey be now, infact i kinda like d bosom ooo, honestly its d only place where a man can find comfort

Again really cool jokes Vicks

tanimz:

**Subscribing**

Vicks, you try!

Oh, and sign me up too 4 more jokes pls

Vicks, shey na only Efe you go dedicate joke to? Me nko?

@taminz u said u're waiting 2 moro, so i will dedicate as many as u like. Like how many?