Dear family,

I need your opinion in this dilemma.. Our marriage has gone through it all but I'll give a summary...

Last year December, we had a quarrel in his family house and I left (we were just visiting( and I left without his notice or fathers pleas.

I traveled back to our home and he never looked for us or checked on us.

I felt really sad and humiliated and I sent him a text that I'm done with the marriage but I later called and apologized for the message and my facebook post and asked we moved on but he objected, saying it had gone too far.

He called me days later and said, he was done with the marriage and all...

Immediately, I got a house and moved my stuffs out and he said I can move out with everything (which I did(...

And then he called again asking me how we will sort out our rent this year and then I reminded him that he told me he was done with the marriage and I had moved out my stuffs...

He then tries to deny that he ever told me that but I insisted and I was ready to swear with my life before he accepted.

He comes back form his holiday and we talk about everything and we decide to settle it all but he tells me he has to seek his family's view and they may disown him if he settles back with me...

My main issue is we split the family monthly expenses 80:20, I'll be doing 80 because of his msc program but I insisted he has to refund me the rent money I paid for the house because I got it from shop and I have to restock it.

He says no that he will not contribute a dime for the rent but he will move in with me because it's a taboo for me to have moved out and he won't pay...

We earn the same money and I feel cheated paying our annual rent and still taking up 80oercent of the responsibility...

Please I'm putting it out here to get a non-biased view on this issue... Thank you

Go for counseling.

CityNGR:
Go for counseling.

He doesn't want to...

bryanarchie:


He doesn't want to...

You'll soon find out that you're financing his extra marital affairs..possibly another family too.

Na wah, Shay I created a thread few months ago asking if I should live in a separate place from my wife and kids when they start coming.

A lot of you called me chicken, say I nor get mind and I never mature for marriage.

With the thread of wife and husband I read on here daily, marriage Dey fear me abeg. The only strength I have to waste is on sex. I nor get strength to quarrel woman on daily basis. Make I find one girl give belle make the pikin Dey mature. Family don start be that

Na wa oo...


Ending a marriage is so quick these days.
What could have happened that would make both of you pull apart so easily?

What happened to the love?



Really scary stuff.

Advise to we women. Let us stop blowing hot hot everytime, hoping the husband will beg us. Na we go loose o. Let's humble ourselves. Madam this journey, u can't do it o

Ur father in law begged u not to go, u still went. God is gracious and kind, I would have said u deserve what is going on.

Eventually when your head calm down, u will so regret everything. Who ever or what ever is pushing u should continue. But u go hear am.

Advise, go to the family and beg them.... If your pride will allow u cos the pride is already up to your neck, but it's choking u sis.

The nature of the quarrel that made you walkout on the family must be too grievous.

yvelchstores:
Ur father in law begged u not to go, u still went. God is gracious and kind, I would have said u deserve what is going on.

Eventually when your head calm down, u will so regret everything. Who ever or what ever is pushing u should continue. But u go hear am.

Advise, go to the family and beg them.... If your pride will allow u cos the pride is already up to your neck, but it's choking u sis.

She's yet to mention what led to the walkout. What if they were planning on how to cook and share her meat? Walking out could've been the best option for all parties involved in other to forestall an escalation.

Hold your fire. I repeat, hold your fire.

You both do not have a solid foundation.I don't know how old you both are but your are acting as teenagers.
What's with all these little quarrels and next thing move out?

If you really want this marriage,apologize to him and his father if need be.
Sit him down and really talk about your marriage.Make him accept his misdemeanor too.Agree to start afresh and communicate when there are issues and not just pack out pack out.smh

No matter the quarrel and reconciliation, you shouldn’t be footing 80 percent of the bills and still have to pay for the house you guys live in.

Don’t be used. Insist on a fair division of responsibilities.
Couples who love each other should endeavor to make sure that one party is not carrying an unfair load. And you guys make equal money. Doesn’t seem like a balanced equation to me.

I don’t want to assume that he’s still with you now because he’s still in school and need the support to finish school.

What led to the quarrels?

I am not sure I am fit to advice you however, I will say you really need to be patient if you truly want your marriage. Truth is your posts which I just read shows you are not patient and apparently, you display so much pride as I do not think it is naivety. I wish you the very best.

yvelchstores:
Advise to we women. Let us stop blowing hot hot everytime, hoping the husband will beg us. Na we go loose o. Let's humble ourselves. Madam this journey, u can't do it o

I just tire for this oversabi of Nigerian women nowadays in committed relationships...... Blowing very hot on little things and always trying to form jagaban!

He doesn't seem to care much about you, only your financial contributions.

He should be willing to meet you halfway, never threaten except you are willing to see it through

Assist23:
He doesn't seem to care much about you, only your financial contributions.

He should be willing to meet you halfway, never threaten except you are willing to see it through

Read the story again.... The woman is too hash what ever misunderstanding as far as her life is not threatened she shouldn't say she is done with the marriage. This is not a boyfriend and girlfriend matter this is a solid union I guess with kids. Why on earth will she say she is done and decide to leave.

For the family to beg her and now realize what she did was an insult to them decided to tell their son to move on.

Women should leave bride, yanga they did in their singlehood this is marriage and must be handle with care else you leave you are giving room for strange women into your house.

From the husband position he wants her back, so madam sort things out if possible ask him to forgive and forget, he can go back to his family to make them understand.

Don't try stay apart.... Eyes of ur fellow women no pure oh.... I have one here in the next building and the strange woman is about 5 months pregnant and the real madam has been threatening hell.

Finally this is no boyfriend or girlfriend relationship this is marriage except ur life is threaten or at risk

fastseo:


Read the story again.... The woman is too hash what ever misunderstanding as far as her life is not threatened she shouldn't say she is done with the marriage. This is not a boyfriend and girlfriend matter this is a solid union I guess with kids. Why on earth will she say she is done and decide to leave.

For the family to beg her and now realize what she did was an insult to them decided to tell their son to move on.

Women should leave bride, yanga they did in their singlehood this is marriage and must be handle with care else you leave you are giving room for strange women into your house.

From the husband position he wants her back, so madam sort things out if possible ask him to forgive and forget, he can go back to his family to make them understand.

Don't try stay apart.... Eyes of ur fellow women no pure oh.... I have one here in the next building and the strange woman is about 5 months pregnant and the real madam has been threatening hell.

Finally this is no boyfriend or girlfriend relationship this is marriage except ur life is threaten or at risk

I am suspecting that the op is Victorian.

yvelchstores:
Ur father in law begged u not to go, u still went. God is gracious and kind, I would have said u deserve what is going on.

Eventually when your head calm down, u will so regret everything. Who ever or what ever is pushing u should continue. But u go hear am.

Advise, go to the family and beg them.... If your pride will allow u cos the pride is already up to your neck, but it's choking u sis.

Yes, he actually did but my mother-in-law asked me to leave and lot was being said about me and my child.

I walked to avoid responding to his mother because yes I'm hot or short tempered and never wanted respond.

I felt humiliated and betrayed..

Chubhie:
The nature of the quarrel that made you walkout on the family must be too grievous.

It's not about this quarrel but I guess it was a trigger...

I took a salary advance of 70,000naira with my husband s knowledge to get us a generator because ours was bad and then made a trio to see his dad and on getting there, I asked he please support us with our transport back home and he said because he said he never invited me there but I begged and he considered it.

With the salary advance I will be getting 25,000naira as my December salary and he still had his full salary of 95,000naira and I was asking for 15,000naira support...

Later, he came again to me and said no that he won't and then I got angry and we quarrelled.

He recorded our quarrel and played it for the family and his mom went all out on me saying a lot of things against me and my child.

My purpose of leaving was to avoid responding because I have that tendency to do that...

Note I said a lot of abusive words to him...

Cc: cococandy

yvelchstores:
Ur father in law begged u not to go, u still went. God is gracious and kind, I would have said u deserve what is going on.

Eventually when your head calm down, u will so regret everything. Who ever or what ever is pushing u should continue. But u go hear am.

Advise, go to the family and beg them.... If your pride will allow u cos the pride is already up to your neck, but it's choking u sis.

My dear, Yes I am proud but with my in-laws I dropped it a long time...

You don't know my story please don't judge...

My mother-in-law has actually apologized for her actions that night but I'm still hurt because she said some things against my son, her grandson and blood and I feel terribly hurt by the words said against an innocent child...

I don’t sense any team work here. You guys could benefit from a family budget. Stick to the budget and who brings what to the budget. Fair share.

Why was it on you to get your family a new generator?
Why do have to beg him for money after spending yours on the family’s need? Why was he recording your disputes to play for his family?

That’s not the action of someone who wants peace. He should know that will spook the flames all over again.

Seriously if you guys are going to stay together but he declines going to counseling , then you have to be the one who makes clear the things you can or cannot accept. you should also try to make your points without abusive words. When you do that, the abusive words are all they remember. Not the point you were trying to make.

His family should have tried to make peace between both of you instead of lashing out at you and your child. Nobody likes when others gang up on them. He made the video to show his parents so that they could turn on you and they did. I don’t see a better ending than you walking out at that moment. Walking out to avoid responding badly to his parents was a good choice. You might have said something you could NEVER take back. If you have apologized for walking out, free your mind. You have done your part. You also deserve to be respected. Your father in law seems to be the calmer of the two.

Your husband should be willing to contribute as much as you do to the family, both financially and otherwise.

bryanarchie:


It's not about this quarrel but I guess it was a trigger...

I took a salary advance of 70,000naira with my husband s knowledge to get us a generator because ours was bad and then made a trio to see his dad and on getting there, I asked he please support us with our transport back home and he said because he said he never invited me there but I begged and he considered it.

With the salary advance I will be getting 25,000naira as my December salary and he still had his full salary of 95,000naira and I was asking for 15,000naira support...

Later, he came again to me and said no that he won't and then I got angry and we quarrelled.

He recorded our quarrel and played it for the family and his mom went all out on me saying a lot of things against me and my child.

My purpose of leaving was to avoid responding because I have that tendency to do that...

Note I said a lot of abusive words to him...

Cc: cococandy

[quote author=thorpido post=75274922]You both do not have a solid foundation.I don't know how old you both are but your are acting as teenagers.
What's with all these little quarrels and next thing move out.

If you really want this marriage,apologize to him and his father if need be.
Sit him down and really talk about your marriage.Make him accept his misdemeanor too.Agree to start on afresh and community icate when there are issues and not just pack out pack out.smh[/quote


Yes, I have apologized and accepted my shortcomings but he still insists that he has done nothing wrong and is just coming for back because of his child...

We have agreed to come back together but my issue is the division of our financial responsibility because I feel cheated and it will make me react to certain issues unnecessarily...

Who is to pay the rent when both earn equally and I'm taking up 80oercent of our family monthly expenses?

He is insisting on not contributing any dime at all..

Are you not the lady that sorted her child support wahalajust the other day?

Are these blog stories aka figment of your imagination or what

cococandy:
I don’t sense any team work here. You guys could benefit from a family budget. Stick to the budget and who brings what to the budget. Fair share.

Why was it on you to get your family a new generator?
Why do have to beg him for money after spending yours on the family’s need? Why was he recording your disputes to play for his family?

That’s not the action of someone who wants peace. He should know that will spook the flames all over again.

Seriously if you guys are going to stay together but he declines going to counseling , then you have to be the one make clear the things you can accept or not. And you also should try to make your points without abusive words. When you do that, that’s all they remember. Not the point you’re trying to make.

His family should have tried to made peace between both of you instead of lashing out at you and your child. Nobody likes when others gang up on them. He made the video to show his parents so that they could turn on you and they did. I don’t see a better ending than you walking out at that moment. Walking out to avoid responding badly to his parents was a good choice. You might have said something you could NEVER take back. If you have apologized for walking out, free your mind. You have done your part. You also deserve to be respected.

He should be willing to contribute as much as you to the family both financially and otherwise.

Thank you...

Yes, my character flaw is shouting and abusing when angry and I'm working on it and that's I have taken out the walking out mode...

He said he can do without a generator but me I sincerely can't because I hate candles and I talked to him about my plans.


He actually told me not to come to his parents house because he had no money but insisted because his dad has been sick all year and I had promised a visit.

He gives 10,000naira for his child's upkeep and I was asking for a raise by 5000naira because of the generator and transport fare back.

ifyalways:
Are you not the lady that sorted her child support wahalajust the other day?

Are these blog stories aka figment of your imagination or what

Goodmorning MA,

It's not a blog story but my life story, I was advised by many to seek reconciliation and I considered it...

bryanarchie:


Thank you...

Yes, my character flaw is shouting and abusing when angry and I'm working on it and that's I have taken out the walking out mode...

He said he can do without a generator but me I sincerely can't because I hate candles and I talked to him about my plans.


He actually told me not to come to his parents house because he had no money but insisted because his dad has been sick all year and I had promised a visit.

He gives 10,000naira for his child's upkeep and I was asking for a raise by 5000naira because of the generator and transport fare back.

Well then you should try to live more within your means until you know you can afford certain things. Like save up for the generator before buying it so that you won’t use all your salary at once to buy it. Rechargeable lamps can serve when the power is out until you can afford a generator.

Also since said he could not afford to pay for your trip, if I were you, I would have just stayed home to avoid embarrassment. You already know how he is with money.

Some problems are really avoidable.

That being said, you guys still need a family budget. Financially, it won’t work until you do.

cococandy:


Well then you should try to live more within your means until you know you can afford certain things. Like save up for the generator before buying it so that you won’t use all your salary at once to buy it. Rechargeable lamps can serve when the power is out until you can afford a generator.

Also since said he could not afford to pay for your trip, if I were you, I would have just stayed home to avoid embarrassment. You already know how he is with money.

Some problems are really avoidable.

That being said, you guys still need a family budget. Financially, it won’t work until you do.

Please explain more on a family budget...

Yes, I should have stayed away...

bryanarchie:
but my issue is the division of our financial responsibility because I feel cheated and it will make me react to certain issues unnecessarily...

Who is to pay the rent when both earn equally and I'm taking up 80oercent of our family monthly expenses?

He is insisting on not contributing any dime at all..

Don’t accept that. If he wants to be with you guys, then he should be with you guys all the way.

when you’re the one carrying everything, you react out of proportion to simple things because of frustration. Thereby, painting yourself as the bad guy when there is underlying issue that needs to be resolved for the frustration to go away.

If he listens to his dad, maybe confide in the man. From your story earlier, he might be interested in things working out between you and his son. See if he can help

bryanarchie:


My dear, Yes I am proud but with my in-laws I dropped it a long time...

You don't know my story please don't judge...

My mother-in-law has actually apologized for her actions that night but I'm still hurt because she said some things against my son, her grandson and blood and I feel terribly hurt by the words said against an innocent child...

It feels good to see the hand of reconciliation from your mother in law.

Forgive,work on your own flaws and heal. Some of these money drama challenges were stuffs that ought to have been trashed out and properly structured during the dating window. Never too late for a sitdown with your man to inject the much needed discipline and structure to arrest this repetitive drama.

Family life is work infused in love, fun, respect and understanding.

All indices point to a healthy potential to actualize your family goals and dreams together.

I understand your frustration on initiating moves to get a new generator to enhance family life while your husband fails to support you in words and deeds. He may be too distracted to see this from your point. Communicate how you feel about this respectfully to him and give him a lil time to make the needed change.

Learn timing, patience, conscious breathing and diplomacy not to please or appear better to people, do this for your own self evolution and see how happy and balanced you become. I wish you nothing but the very best.

cococandy:


Don’t accept that. If he wants to be with you guys, then he should be with you guys all the way.

when you’re the one carrying everything, you react out of proportion to simple things because of frustration. Thereby, painting yourself as the bad guy when there is underlying issue that needs to be resolved for the frustration to go away.

If he listens to his dad, maybe confide in the man. From your story earlier, he might be interested in things working out between you and his son. See if he can help

I've tried his dad but to no avail, he is more of the mothers son and then I don't see eye to eye with the mother...

Our then house rent is 200k and I do support back then but I moved to a smaller house of 100k and all...

I can't tell anyone because he will be more angry so I decided to bring it here for unbiased opinion and I'll send him the link.

bryanarchie:

Please explain more on a family budget...

Yes, I should have stayed away...

Make a list of the monthly expenditure you make

Rent, food, healthcare, transportation, child’s needs, etc
on one side of a page, then your both incomes on another side of a page.

See where you’re both going wrong. You most likely will need to change some things to fit into your budget. Manage manage manage until you start making more money.

This will work if he’s willing to consider his income as part of the family income and work with you to make ends meet. If not, then he needs to take a hike. It’s either he’s a roommate or a husband. Even roommates do their part. Can’t work with anyone who doesn’t want to won’t with you. Don’t force it

bryanarchie:


My dear, Yes I am proud but with my in-laws I dropped it a long time...

You don't know my story please don't judge...

My mother-in-law has actually apologized for her actions that night but I'm still hurt because she said some things against my son, her grandson and blood and I feel terribly hurt by the words said against an innocent child...

it is well. Sorry my sister