pls this is for mature minded ppl, pls know insult I am 30 years old my father and mother have issue when am 2years and my mother left were only 2 a boy and girl and letter my father got married to another woman and left us with our grand mother I was thinking that my my grand mother is my biological mother until I fine primary six back in the village there is know money to futher my education before my grand mother told that I need to go to my mother side to see if there wil be any help I was surprise and happy to me my mother later I me her and only what she could offer is my common entrance fees and she promisse me after my common entrance exam that there is this his villages person that need some1 to stay with him and it did not work out , so after al my mother remarried and my sister also get married , I was al alone this I come to Lagos from a friend so I got a job am working as am working I went to learn a work I learn welder and plumber and were I was working then now promoto to engeering department becus of my intelligent train me on every thing about industrial engeering maintanice now now I can fabricat automatic filling and capping machine industrial mixing tanks plumber installation pipe fitting all

because I want to leave a good life and my grand mother ask me to married early so I meet a girl there I was working I told her I want to married her she agreed although were not into relationship before . This is were my problem started .I went to meet his brother here I'm Lagos but the brother rejected me but the girl insisted that he love me , and I am a member of charismatic that u wil not meet a girl or she stay with u before u married her is against the rules becus of me the brother chase her out from his house I don't what to do about this if I bring this girl to my house I hav go against the rules I told her to go and stay with a family friend after all she/cant cope with them my problem then is I want to get another house before I married her cos there is know enough money with me then when I told her about it he help me with some money I now went to get a house I went to me his brother he told me that he is not the parents of the girl I just go and meet with her parents we travel to villages to meet her family

getting to villages we first come to my home I called my father and tell him that I want to marry he said ok when I have bought 10 trip of sand I wanted to use to mod block in the villages now my father was angry with me he said I just but sand last month to mod block now I wanted to get married I should finishes one I try to let him know that God wil help me but I could not convince him and in the girl house the arrangement I made with then I give them date that am go to come with my family for introduction and also going to paid the girl dayir they agreed with me after the discussion with my father he said he wil not go going to my wife place without my father my grand mother pleaded with my father before he ask one man to go with us to the girl villages we get to the girl villages with the first list I did al the ask me to do that is on that first list the man that my father send ask me if I wanted to paid dairy I said yes he ask me how much do I want to pay I told him 10,000 he said is too much that were going to paid 1000 or 2000 I said know the parents have to me the amount there going to collect because they need this money to take the girl mother to hospital she is not feeling fine the man get angry and said if I can't paid 1000 that he is going to go back I try to make him understand that thy need this money to take the mother to hospital the man refuse and go back I was left me and my mother althrough we hav reached to the girl villages before the man went back

Okay... let me summarise for those who wants to help but could not because the story was too long...

If I understand clearly...
He was from a broken home and was raised by his grandma...His dad and mom has moved on and both have remarried... He himself got 2 kids from his marriage.. but before he got married... His parents did not have money to train him..

He went to Lagos @ the age of 13 and learned trade and @ 24, his grandmother advised him to get married.. luckily for him , he found a girl who loved him but her brother who lives in Lagos with her was not fond of him .. another challenge was that the church rules says that he can't cohabit with a female if they are not married... so he decides to abandon his housing project to get married...

His father kicked against it and said he wouldn't come for the introduction... so he went with an uncle..the uncle insisted that they pay #1,000 as dowry.. he said no he wants to pay #10,000 because the family needed it for drugs and hospital bills..because his mother inlaw was not well @ that time..

Fast forward 6yrs later. ...His mother inlaw eventually died.. the wife's family was divided, Large and a polygamous home of 7...on the day of the funeral, He wanted to perform customary rite as demanded by tradition.. .They picked up a microphone in the precence of every one including OP 's people and said he has not paid dowry.... that they don't recognise him as an inlaw.... Therefore he has no right to perform anything... he was embarrassed and humiliated that day while the father in law who received the dowry watches... and even denied collecting anything...He was later told that dowry were collected and shared between families... that he should not have given it to one person even if that one person was the father in law... As far as marriage between him and their daughter is concern he is still single...

The wife knew about all these... since that day, She has capitalized on it and has been giving OP hell and intense sorrow at home... all she talks about was her pride price.. Dowry etc... He is no longer enjoying the relationship because of the wife's attitude towards him... and he felt like he has paid for the Dowry and doesn't need to pay for the second time..please advise him..... THE END

N.B... I must comment on the level of maturity on this thread so far is overwhelming... Family section is indeed the most matured section on Nairaland... I thank you on behalf of OP for your patience..

I was left alone with the girl family I was ask about my father I don't what do said letter I called my father on phone he talk with the girl family inwhich after I paid 10000 after every thing I now went back instead of going to my villages I went back to lagos cos I am very angry about every thing that happend when we came back to Lagos I told the girl to go to her brother house inwhich the brother chase her away again and told her that she hav married that she cannot stayed in his house again this is how we started living as husband and wife with out wedding we hav to children now but the worse is still coming

Hmmm from what I have read...

Your parents are highly irresponsible people

You are already married.

Once dowry has exchanged hands you are married

Just go to court to legalise it and get your pastor's blessings shikena

But you said the worst is coming?

now since I meet the girl til married her up til today there is know joy in the marriega the girl hav know respect he is ready to fight me at al cost for me am very carefull I don't want what happend to my parents happend to me my grand mother is late now and am now left alone with her am living in pains with her I hav know peace in this marriega some times I can't even come back home cos I don't want trouble when am in my house it wil be qurering the worse is she don't know how to cook food mostly I don't eat at home I don't drink but now I can go out and get drunk I hardly stayed at home I preferred to stayed out than in my house am afried I don't know what to do that is know day we don't qurer she ague too much never addimit mistake she take decision on her now I have been living in pains al the days of my married to her .her mother die in december 29th 2018 this is the second disgraceful thing I have seen

Congratulations first on rising above your situation and fending for yourself. In your situation I will advice you to first go back to school before thinking of marriage. Pull yourself up and build yourself. Yes you have a job and skill right now which is commendable. But you seem to be an intelligent young man and you can probably better yourself with education. Do not let your grandmother pressure you into marriage when you are clearly not prepared for it.

I know you are a grown man with sexual needs and I understand. But right now, coming from where you are coming from, marriage should not be an immediate need. You and your girlfriend can get engaged while you work on yourselves with an agreed plan. Let her go back to her brothers house and you go and apologize to the brother to take her back while you work on yourself so that you can afford to do what is right.

kingvincenteze:
now since I meet the girl til married her up til today there is know joy in the marriega the girl hav know respect he is ready to fight me at al cost for me am very carefull I don't want what happend to my parents happend to me my grand mother is late now and am now left alone with her am living in pains with her I hav know peace in this marriega some times I can't even come back home cos I don't want trouble when am in my house it wil be qurering the worse is she don't know how to cook food mostly I don't eat at home I don't drink but now I can go out and get drunk I hardly stayed at home I preferred to stayed out than in my house am afried I don't know what to do that is know day we don't qurer she ague too much never addimit mistake she take decision on her now I have been living in pains al the days of my married to her .her mother die in december 29th 2018 this is the second disgraceful thing I have seen

Ah I see you already got married. You can go to church for marriage counseling and please don’t start having children with her yet so that you can easily run if it’s not working

we prepared and travel for the girl mother burial in which I give the family 40k to support them after the arrangement with my father we charter a bus went to the burial they give me list what to buy so in the time of the inlaw presentation we come to the table with my villages elders and some member of my family this is what happend I can't forget the elder from the family collect the micphone and said why don't know who we are that if not because of one thing they wil send us away that we just come and carried there duther without any thing that wil did not paid her diary and other things involved I was chocked and ful of embarrassing the man now ask me did I paid for the girl dayir I was silences for a moment and I said that the question should be address to the girl father and they ask the father he said know that I didn't paid for any dayir

pls before u coment read through the first text to the end when I hear..... This from her father that I did not paid her dayir my villages poelps al of them started murmuring and said what kind of embarrassments is this know body to defense this only me after al they collected our gifts and wil now went back to our canopy I was al quiet through out the burial letter I wanted to go with my villages poelp the family of the girl as me to stay back that the want to see me before I go then I stay back and as my poelp to go

So sorry dear. It seems like you're very much in pains and angry too. Don't worry, pour them out. It is all going to be fine at the end.

one chance marriage

Bro your story is a very pathetic one, it seems you didn't properly paid fully the Dowry things(in terms of their tradition). Am not sure you hv done the traditional wedding from your write up. This one u are complaining of the girl being disrespectful to you, pray that what happened to your father will not happen to you.

so the family called me that is were I come to understand that the family there ground father married 7 wife and al of the gathers with there grow up children every were ful I was suppris to see this the family as a hole then said they hear..... Me saying I paid for the girl dayir how do I paid to ? I said I don't understand if am dreaming or is this 419 so I said I paid to the father before one of them that is around that very day stand up and said yes I come that it could be true that I paid to the father but the father may not saying the truth one of there children stand up and said that day I paid the 10000 the use the money to take there mother to hospital the risen the man collected the money is that he need the money to take care of the mother but if they ask he wil said he didn't collected any money from me I was there watching all this and after al the elder in the family said to me that any money I give to the father is between me and him nothing concern them with it that al the know that I should come and paid for her dayir and do the traditional marriega complety

OP, reading a one piece lengthy post had became an impediment to some of us lately, let alone several pieces single posts. Try to write it all in one post. May the good Lord hear our prayers. Pele .

as it stand now they mean I haven't married to there duther that I should come and do the marriage things complety that the children belong to them pls what do u think I should do now before I started typing this I just left my house because of the qurering and am foce to go to work am at my officer now thank u all for ur understanding comments wisely

Richy4:
Okay...

If I understand clearly...
U are from a broken home and was raised by your grandma...

Your dad and mom has moved on and both have remarried...

You went to Lagos and learned trade and your grandmother advised u to get married.. luckily for u , u found a girl who loves you but her brother was not fond of you. .. another problem was the church rules that says that u can't cohabit with a female when you are not married... and also financial constraints in terms of looking for a suitable home for both of you..

You have gone to pay dowry and your family refused because they want you to complete your housing project...

Am I so far correct?

My brother, Marriage is not what you just jump into with zero finance... what are u gonna be eating.. what if the kids starts rolling out, are u ready for that or do u want to do to them what your parent did to you by saying there's no money to train them in school?

Just think about it so that you won't make mistakes and the love you have for her will turn into hatred because financial problems is capable of doing that..

This whole thing was not planned properly.. just ignore your dad... treat your lady like the queen that she deserves... help her family if u can...Things will work out well for you..

Thanks for the summary. Please look at the new posts to update

as it stand now I do if to continue with is marriega or not thanks for those who have comented and also apprceit those who about to coment if ur in my shoe what wil u do

I think you need to have a serious meeting with your inlaws and pls go with your father and some elders since they've collected part of the dowry what is remaining and tell them you don't want any traditional marriage. Please do your best to pay cos if anything happens to her in your house you are in serious trouble. Your wife should've directed you how to go about this since we're talking about her people

thanks u chiommy for ur post as it stand now I have about 250k for the joney now , but my marriega is about 6years old with all this issues on ground do u Adivers me to go on with this marriega am afried the father later called me and beg me to forgive him what he said

sisisioge:


Thanks for the summary. Please look at the new posts to update

More like this...

There was a funeral service on his "wife's" side and he donated N40,000 to support the burial. Then he made arrangements with his family side to charter a bus to they can go attend the wife people burial. They took some gifts along (cartons of drinks i guess).

After presenting the gifts to the wife's family during the burial ceremony, someone from the wife's family picked the microphone and said they don't know who the O.P and his people are... That even though they claimed to have married their daughter, the o.p has not paid the dowry, nor has he done traditional marriage to wed their daughter. They now ask O.p if he has paid his wife's dowry ... O.P was dumfounded at first but he later told them he has paid... The wife's family asked who he paid the bride price to... O.P identified his wife father... But the man denied collecting dowry from the o.p. the o.p and his people were very embarrassed as all this took place right during the burial program. (The o.p is obviously igbo... Or igbo speaking Delta State parts... I suspect the Delta part cos the wife's grandfather's 7 wives.... Umu This-And -That-Family-Union. You will see great grandfather brother uncle and aunties talking and making demands as if they are your Lord)

So after the burial party, the o.p was called for a meeting with his wife's family union people. It was then that they explained their family union is large and then they queried the man who the o.p said he paid the dowry to if he really collected the money. The man admitted collecting N10,000 dowry from the o.p but he added that the money has been spent treating the wife's late mother in the hospital when she was sick.

The wife's family union then reached a conclusion that since the dowry was not "tabled to them" (O.p goofed by paying dowry to one man, even if the man is the wife's father, he has no right to collect the money alone. This is because dowry is shared among individual families in the family union. For example, if the bride's family union is made up of 7 families and o.p paid N10,000 ... The 10k will be shared X 7 = about N1,400 per family unit. Now in previous marriages within that family union, the man that collected O.P's dowry payment have been collecting his share from other family unit's dowry... They family units did traditional marriage in which the O.Ps wife family prior ate and drank.... But in case of o.p wife, they didn't share their daughter dowry and they didn't do any traditional marriage. ... Just like... "You have been eating our own, you don't want us to eat your own" ...

The excuse that the money o.p paid was used to treat the wife mother in hospital does not concern them. The dowry Money is meant to be shared by the family union... Hospital money is seperate and another thing entirely. In this case, the wife family unit people should have called a family union meeting where they will contrubite money to treat the o.p's wife mother if they are unable to foot the bill on their own but they didn't do that)

So the family union told O.p that for them to recognise him as their inlaw, he should pay the dowry to them and do traditional marriage to fulfill all righteousness. He did not follow the right channel in paying the first dowry and he skipped the traditional marriage. Be like, they told o.p to do "correction".

However, the o.p is angry about how the whole process turned out so he returned to Lagos angrily instead of "having further clarification talks" with his wife's family union.

baby124:
Congratulations first on rising above your situation and fending for yourself. In your situation I will advice you to first go back to school before thinking of marriage. Pull yourself up and build yourself. Yes you have a job and skill right now which is commendable. But you seem to be an intelligent young man and you can probably better yourself with education. Do not let your grandmother pressure you into marriage when you are clearly not prepared for it.

I know you are a grown man with sexual needs and I understand. But right now, coming from where you are coming from, marriage should not be an immediate need. You and your girlfriend can get engaged while you work on yourselves with an agreed plan. Let her go back to her brothers house and you go and apologize to the brother to take her back while you work on yourself so that you can afford to do what is right.

@bold so everyone that is married went to school?
When did education become a criteria for marriage?

kingvincenteze:
thanks u chiommy for ur post as it stand now I have about 250k for the joney now , but my marriega is about 6years old with all this issues on ground do u Adivers me to go on with this marriega am afried the father later called me and beg me to forgive him what he said

Do u have any child with her?
With what u have said so far, it is like there is no peace and understanding in your marriage o

sisisioge: if I can read my text wel u wil see were I said , I wanted to go with my
villages poelp after the burial but the family of the girl as me
to stay back that they want to see me before I go back then I stay back and and have meeting with the and u wil also see what I said about the metting is after the metting I angryly come back in my base
poelp to go thank u

kingvincenteze:
thanks u chiommy for ur post as it stand now I have about 250k for the joney now , but my marriega is about 6years old with all this issues on ground do u Adivers me to go on with this marriega am afried the father later called me and beg me to forgive him what he said

I understand how you feel Nwannem. Na so e be for my village too. Na family union den dey pay bride price to, not to bride father. Maybe in your hurry to get married, for for the sake of the saick mother, you thought they would overlook it but those village people, they don't overlook any small thing. They don't joke with their share of anything.

I read your story with a little bit of smile and laughter... No vex say i dey laugh you o... Matters like that dey happen. E get one time my village quarter age group hold me force me cough out 8k during my grandma burial... They didn't listen to any story that i don't have cash on me. It was night. I said I'll go bank first thing the next day to settle them. They said if i delay pass the burial night i will have to pay 16k, that is their rule. I had to borrow on spot to settle them.

Your wife father called to apologize for denying you.... He tried... Please find space in your heart to forgive him and move on. 250k should be enough to take care of everything on low key (if you wife is from Delta State side o... If she is from across the niger, abeg hold on save like 800k no go chop another embarrassment again)

Just close your eyes, do the formalities through the family union and move on. You have the right to be angry by the way they publicly embarrassed you... Na village people way of doing things.. make you forget am. After paying the dowry to the family union and a small, low key traditional marriage, you will be free with them and they will be free with you.

obviously u haven't read this text from the beginning I have 2 kids

this is what happens when marriage is hurriedly done!!,.....

sisisioge:


Thanks for the summary. Please look at the new posts to update

I have already... it was my Sunday gift to the op..hope you are doing great..

my problem is not about paying the dairy or settling the family and villages but after al this can I have a good family ? Can I hav a good food to eat ? Can I be respected from her can she listen to correction when she does one can she be obedient and after spending all this money can this marriega last or the money wil be a wasted one

kingvincenteze:
sisisioge: if I can read my text wel u wil see were I said , I wanted to go with my
villages poelp after the burial but the family of the girl as me
to stay back that they want to see me before I go back then I stay back and and have meeting with the and u wil also see what I said about the metting is after the metting I angryly come back in my base
poelp to go thank u

There's nothing wrong with what your wife family union people did. It is better they explain their side to you personally than if you attend the meeting with your people because it would be more embarrassing to you if your people are there. If your people are also present in the meeting, one of your Uncle's or old men can get angry and start exchanging words with your inlaws leading quarrel and that is not desirable. ... Remember the first time you wanted to pay 10k and your uncle started to argue you should pay 1k, quarrel and left... It's better they had the meeting with you alone.

But as e be say na village you grow up, i no understand why you no sabi all these things o. If you grow up in village as you claim, you for know how den dey handle these things nah