kingvincenteze:
I thank u all for ur beautiful post and also welcoming those that wil also post there comment wil dis marriage last after I might spend al this money now the hole villages was involved in this issue waiting for when I wil come for the fully marriega In which the list in total Is about 850k and was warned if the girl accidentally die that I wil married her in death and they wil collect every thing that was require from me

You don't have to pay for every single item on the list.
Your parents are in a better position to help you negotiate things to your advantage. I can't believe that every single man that got a wife from that village paid 850k, even the local farmers and brick layers.

It wouldn't be prudent to spend the entire 250k you've saved up to satisfy some people's greed and waiting till you save up 850k won't be a good idea either.

My advice is that you go with a few family members of yours and take 150k out of the 250k you have. 70k for the men, 50k for the women and 30k for whatever. You explain to them that it's all you can afford and you've got a family to provide for.

I'm sure they'll accept and appreciate your efforts if they're sensible.

As for the problems you're having with your wife, it could be a communication issue. Maybe you can try a different approach to resolving the conflicts and misunderstandings. Ask her if she's still interested in being married to you and let her know you're not happy with her attitude. There could also be something she's not happy about. Don't give up just yet, try and see how it turns out.

I'm sure everything is going to be fine. Just take things one step at a time.

thank u all for ur wonderful comments; I don't like to post more post but to be calm and listen to every ones comments but fraking speaking am I married ? because I don't know if I am married

although I have 2kids but full of confusing and pains what is the joy of a man in marriage if I may ask for those that have married how can u explain, in this marriega I can't stay together a day whit out she saying some thing that wil get me angry then I wil leave the house and comes back in the night pls remenber I haven't dated this girl before I got married to her cos my church is against it after a month I meet her the second month wil travel donw to village to meet with there poelps

kingvincenteze:
I thank u all for ur beautiful post and also welcoming those that wil also post there comment wil dis marriage last after I might spend al this money now the hole villages was involved in this issue waiting for when I wil come for the fully marriega In which the list in total Is about 850k and was warned if the girl accidentally die that I wil married her in death and they wil collect every thing that was require from me

850k That is absurd and unbelievable. As a matter of fact I don't believe you.

You seem to be looking for justification to leave the mother of your kids, and if that is the case go ahead and leave her. Stop making up things that don't exist.

People like you give Igbos bad name. Coming online to make bogus claims and justify abandoning your responsibility is not nice at all. Stop deceiving people. There is no way they will ask you for items worth 850k, you and i both know it's a big lie!

In any case everyone knows these lists are negotiable. I can bet with 150k you can settle everyone involved and make your in-laws happy.

If you really want yo do the right things you know what to do. In the meantime, don't expect your wife to be loyal and respectful when you have not done right by her.

kingvincenteze:
although I have 2kids but full of confusing and pains what is the joy of a man in marriage if I may ask for those that have married how can u explain, in this marriega I can't stay together a day whit out she saying some thing that wil get me angry then I wil leave the house and comes back in the night pls remenber I haven't dated this girl before I got married to her cos my church is against it after a month I meet her the second month wil travel donw to village to meet with there poelps

You are not ready for marriage, you never were. If anyone told you that marriage is a kingdom flowing with milk and honey then you were deceived. You keep blaming your wife and accusing her of all sorts, but what about you? Have your reflected on yourself and what you can do to make your home better?

If the foundation is not right the building can never stand.

I rest my case!

kingvincenteze:
thank u all for ur wonderful comments; I don't like to post more post but to be calm and listen to every ones comments but fraking speaking am I married ? because I don't know if I am married

Stop all these man... U are acting more like someone that was raised in Abuja instead of Lagos...

Just follow your heart man... don't let any one bully you into doing what u don't want...In my opinion, u are married FULL STOP. unnecessary double payment of dowry to me is a waste of resources evenue if it's 5K.... you don't have to spend limited resources just to be politically correct...

If you are worried about you and your wife who will die first.. then you need not to worry.. u might even outlived those who think that one of u will die first so that they can punish u guys...

Please ignore your inconsiderate wife... Try and be immune to her nagging.. Develop a mechanism to give yourself peace... either you leave home early or come back late.. do this for some weeks and see the outcome... if nothing changes.. sit her down and talk.. tell her that you have decided that u won't pay for the silly dowry.. what does she want to do.. to leave you or to stay with u

if time permit I wil scan the original list and post is here , that is why I said I wil not post more post cos some poelps wil think am looking for a way to leave her. I was 25years when the girl give barith to my first child I was living in selfcontain then we don't know what to do this is when I need the mother inlaw mostly for the omugwo things I called her she agreed that she is going to come after a week I did not hear..... From her later she turn me donw I know the pains I pass through doing the omugwo by my self after she visited his son in Lagos after a year I still when to the market and bought for her omugwo clothe and give to her and this repeat again for my second child she turn me donw again when my mother die know one attended the burial I hav know inlaw as am taking now if time permit me am going to look for a way to post the list here

UjuJoan2:


How can you do the umu ada and umu nna things and your in-laws will still say they don't know you?

What exactly is it they are demanding from you?

Apparently his FIL did not invite the remaining uncles and aunties to the dowry meeting and kept the gifts received to himself to meet "family needs". He agreed to receiving the gifts but do not agree to them representing the marriage things

UjuJoan2:


So what exactly do you want to do now? Do you want to abandon the lady after giving you two children?

I don't know where you are from but in my place 'bride price' is not the only requirement for marrying a girl. Did they give you lists? Did you buy the things in it? Did you 'settle' the umu ada and umu nna and other relatives?

Go and marry her properly and make her your legal wife. Your wife may be troublesome and rude to you because she is not Happy that you have not fully carried out the marriage requirements. Go and settle her people and make her happy, and then maybe you will have a happier home

Ndi charism ada a like ihe omenani (they can be a very contrary set of people).They would argue about everything, and hate on oji and mmaya nkwu like they amalgamated Northern and Southern Nigeria
The world would always despise a people without their own philosophies and tenets
Meanwhile I agree with you
I had a man who wanted to wiggle out of fulfilling his ihe nwanyi duties, “I ma na ndi uno du wicked” up and down a na afio
I made him know that he would fulfil everything to the last dot. I actually went on a rant
He is history now
Our culture is ours, allowing another culture to usurp it is a sin to me

@ OP, dear poster, I hope you didn’t give your FIL 10K because you “knew” paying bride price of 1K was a pagan act and refused to be part of it
If not, may peace be restored in your home
If so, biko go and fulfil your duties, to find peace
Either way, good luck

@ op, In my opinion, maintaining the stability of your family should be your primary concern. Until you and your wife are able to do that, the marriage rights should be in postponed indefinitely. Going by your comment, your union is at risk of breaking-up under the pressure of your disagreements with your wife and possibly the influence of your "second" lady.

Do the honorable thing by settling your current relationship before taking in another lady.

All the best

kingvincenteze:
as it stand now they mean I haven't married to there duther that I should come and do the marriage things complety that the children belong to them pls what do u think I should do now before I started typing this I just left my house because of the qurering and am foce to go to work am at my officer now thank u all for ur understanding comments wisely

OH sorry u guys already have kids. Well try and work things out with your wife. Be careful so u don't put ur kids through what u went through as a kid. Go pay d dowry pls so peace can reign.

thank u all I have hard all of ur opinion if I tell u that am not grateful about ur response am laying why I posted it here I believe that only matured poelps can be found here asurming if can revesace the hole thing I would hav done that but I hav found out this is not the kind of wife I should hav married and the family baground I remenber when I wanted to travel aboard in 2017 I cloud if I move out from nigeria I wil not come back to her unfountly I was scam and I lost about 650k pls God bear'me witness I hav know woman as a friend that ppl might be thinking is because I hav found some1 else were. am afried to do any thing but can I live long with this and can this marriage going to be a lasting one pls I plead know insult just ur advice if u have one but if u haven't keep calm. I believe out of nonsense that is always a sense in it

kingvincenteze:
thank u all I have hard all of ur opinion if I tell u that am not grateful about ur response am laying why I posted it here I believe that only matured poelps can be found here asurming if can revesace the hole thing I would hav done that but I hav found out this is not the kind of wife I should hav married and the family baground I remenber when I wanted to travel aboard in 2017 I cloud if I move out from nigeria I wil not come back to her unfountly I was scam and I lost about 650k pls God bear'me witness I hav know woman as a friend that ppl might be thinking is because I hav found some1 else were. am afried to do any thing but can I live long with this and can this marriage going to be a lasting one pls I plead know insult just ur advice if u have one but if u haven't keep calm. I believe out of nonsense that is always a sense in it

Did you really think paying 10k was sufficient as proof of you having done the traditional marriage rites? Be honest with yourself.

10k was only for the dowry ,,,,,,know but I send mothan 50k for umuada and umu Nna for the things I bought first time I went

kingvincenteze:
thank u all I have hard all of ur opinion if I tell u that am not grateful about ur response am laying why I posted it here I believe that only matured poelps can be found here asurming if can revesace the hole thing I would hav done that but I hav found out this is not the kind of wife I should hav married and the family baground I remenber when I wanted to travel aboard in 2017 I cloud if I move out from nigeria I wil not come back to her unfountly I was scam and I lost about 650k pls God bear'me witness I hav know woman as a friend that ppl might be thinking is because I hav found some1 else were. am afried to do any thing but can I live long with this and can this marriage going to be a lasting one pls I plead know insult just ur advice if u have one but if u haven't keep calm. I believe out of nonsense that is always a sense in it

To be frank with you,
The way you are right now and the way the marriage is, it can not last.
Mind you, I'm not a prophet of doom o.
I'm surprised you don't have high blood pressure already.
You only live once sir. You are in the best position to make the call. You know where the shoe pinches you most.
Your in laws are the least of your problems or finalizing your traditional marriage to your wife. After everything nko? You still have her to deal with.
You met someone, never dated, and the 2nd week, you went to her village to ask for her hand in marriage?
Na real wah o...
Sorry bro....

thank u for ur post

Don't worry, things will be fine. You have to try to make your marriage work. Let me start from the major issue, the question you posed which I believe bothers you most: am I married? No you are not married. Not traditionally, in church, or even court. Your father in-law rejected you, and denied collecting dowry, his kins men denied you, and your mother in law refused to attend Umugwo, these are valid reasons which confirms that you are not married. I know your father in law is a greedy man, and denied to have gotten the 10k dowry, but all these would not have occurred if your own father had followed you when you needed him most to go and pay the dowry. If your dad or uncle was there your father in law would not lye about bride price today. So what should you do? It would be a shame if you don't marry properly,be it traditionally, church, etc. Forget about impregnating a woman and living with her as wife without paying dowry, that is the action of a stupid man. Go back and pay dowry, do a low key TM, very low key. Or if you don't want to do TM, just pay the dowry again, and settle all the things you mentioned above. Leave your father in law for God to judge him, his concience will judge him too. Imargine them saying that if your wife dies you will marry her corpse, be smart, village people are wicked, some are witches. As for your marriage, I stated earlier that you should try to make it work. Try again, spend more time with your kids, if your wife is not giving you happiness, how about the kids? Don't give up.

this thank u

Wisdom is needed oh before person go give advice way go scatter person house. But come to think of it, what are we selling that 850,000 will be needed?

Marriage goes beyond what others portray it to be. It comes with compromise and understanding. Love is patient, love is kind, its not arrogant or boastful. My brother read that book of 1st Corinthians 13. It's only a monster that won't reciprocate love. People that enjoy their marriages put in work of communication, love, commitment and prayers. You talk about staying out late and drinking when she starts acting up, is that the way out? Could she be acting that way cos of things bothering her? Find out. Be a man. The bible says husband love your wife. I am not giving any advise here for your wife cos she won't read this. She has children for you so she is indeed commited to you. You are a hardworking man that wants peace that shows you are kindhearted, pls give this marriage a chance again.

About marriage, pls don't be angry about what transpired earlier since father in law has apologized to you. You need to see your own father and people. Talk to them to follow you and properly marry your woman. I believe that woman loves you. You mustn't spend that much they said and you should keep your anger in check too. Let the elderly do the negotiation.

A man is the head of the home not only in command and instruction but spiritually. Pray for your home, pray for your marriage. Pray for your wife. God bless you.

thank u

merahki:


Ndi charism ada a like ihe omenani (they can be a very contrary set of people).They would argue about everything, and hate on oji and mmaya nkwu like they amalgamated Northern and Southern Nigeria
The world would always despise a people without their own philosophies and tenets
Meanwhile I agree with you
I had a man who wanted to wiggle out of fulfilling his ihe nwanyi duties, “I ma na ndi uno du wicked” up and down a na afio
I made him know that he would fulfil everything to the last dot. I actually went on a rant
He is history now
Our culture is ours, allowing another culture to usurp it is a sin to me

@ OP, dear poster, I hope you didn’t give your FIL 10K because you “knew” paying bride price of 1K was a pagan act and refused to be part of it
If not, may peace be restored in your home
If so, biko go and fulfil your duties, to find peace
Either way, good luck

Is he married to someone else now or still wiggling out of performing the duties required of every woman he meets?

crackhaus:

Is he married to someone else now or still wiggling out of performing the duties required of every woman he meets?

That shouldn't matter to her.

She has her own standards and if the man is not willing to meet them he needs to take a walk and find someone who will. Some women are willing to marry a man who doesn't respect cultural demands. It's their choice!

crackhaus:

Is he married to someone else now or still wiggling out of performing the duties required of every woman he meets?

Heyy
I was just making a point and now I have to bring out my broom!

merahki:


Ndi charism ada a like ihe omenani (they can be a very contrary set of people).They would argue about everything, and hate on oji and mmaya nkwu like they amalgamated Northern and Southern Nigeria
The world would always despise a people without their own philosophies and tenets
Meanwhile I agree with you
I had a man who wanted to wiggle out of fulfilling his ihe nwanyi duties, “I ma na ndi uno du wicked” up and down a na afio
I made him know that he would fulfil everything to the last dot. I actually went on a rant
He is history now
Our culture is ours, allowing another culture to usurp it is a sin to me

@ OP, dear poster, I hope you didn’t give your FIL 10K because you “knew” paying bride price of 1K was a pagan act and refused to be part of it
If not, may peace be restored in your home
If so, biko go and fulfil your duties, to find peace
Either way, good luck

Don't mind them. They hide under the guise of religion to dodge responsibilities. I could never stand those spirit ko ko brothers telling me what is biblical and what is not.

If you like be charismatic leader you must settle umu nna and buy 'oji' . Tomorrow now they will marry you and claim Lord and master after wiggling out of marital duites.

Ndi uchu!

pls know insult make ur point if u have one pls

kingvincenteze:
pls know insult make ur point if u have one pls

Bros cool down . People they advice you instead make you pick the important point, na make they no insult you you get interest pass. As he be say you no want make any body abuse you, you for no bring your matter come nairaland oh. Anyways Sha, na advice I give you .

thank u

Why is her family trying to make your life difficult? And you said your father in-law called you later and asked for forgiveness. Please tell him to redeem himself by telling the family that he collected the dowry. It is not about apologizing in secret.

If you decide to leave their daughter and move on since they say you are still single, what will they do? Won't she and her family be the ones to lose?

sisisioge:


I don't know why people love to extend family beyond extended family sef! He had to invite his folks to his purported in-laws burial? He couldn't go alone? Whew! Abeg let him pack well. Whew!

When you get married, you will see how it is too.

What is annoying me though is that it is women who are being "traded" for bride price are the ones who ought to be speaking against the system, but instead, like Madam UjuJoan2 gave her husband wahala cos of minor things, is the women that are promoting and subtly forcing men to do it.

For me... Any woman who is lucky enough to see a man to marry her and the man is responsible enough to take care of the house and children, that is fair. All these unnecessary traditions are just rubbish.

oweniwe:

For me... Any woman who is lucky enough to see a man to marry her and the man is responsible enough to take care of the house and children, that is fair. All these unnecessary traditions are just rubbish.

So you think the woman is the lucky one, to have found a husband? Don't let statistics confuse you? Men pray for good wives everyday too.

oweniwe:


When you get married, you will see how it is too.

What is annoying me though is that it is women who are being "traded" for bride price are the ones who ought to be speaking against the system, but instead, like Madam UjuJoan2 gave her husband wahala cos of minor things, is the women that are promoting and subtly forcing men to do it.

For me... Any woman who is lucky enough to see a man to marry her and the man is responsible enough to take care of the house and children, that is fair. All these unnecessary traditions are just rubbish.

Haaaaaa