Rubbiish:



@bold so everyone that is married went to school?
When did education become a criteria for marriage?

My stalker is back. How have you been my dear? If you read the whole comment I think you will have a better understanding of my point?

thank u oweniwe for ur post I left village at age of 12 to 13

.

kingvincenteze:
my problem is not about paying the dairy or settling the family and villages but after al this can I have a good family ? Can I hav a good food to eat ? Can I be respected from her can she listen to correction when she does one can she be obedient and after spending all this money can this marriega last or the money wil be a wasted one

You should not worry about the above. You are not paying the dowry again and doing traditional marriage for your wife... But for your children. Some of my female cousins got married on their mother side instead of father side because their fathers did not pay their mother's dowry... You wouldn't want that kind of embarrassment when your old, would you?

Your duty as a husband and father is to provide for your family as best as you can... build house, Put food on table, pay school fees and buy clothes for your children to wear. Anything more than that in this hard country is exra, you have tried your best ... no too give yourself headache whether your wife will change her attitude or not... Just focus on your business/work and giving your children the best education, you have tried.

kingvincenteze:
thank u oweniwe for ur post I left village at age of 12 to 13

No wonder... Small small, you go dey learn village people way again

Well, perhaps someone else took over correspondence of op's narrative. Maybe from Delta, thing is op is torn between "formalizing* the marriage or escaping a bad wife. My take, use the opportunity to talk to your in-laws of your wife's behavior. Let them know you are all for doing the right thing but if she doesn't turn a new leaf, you are ready to go the length of sending her back and keep your kids

baby124:

My stalker is back. How have you been my dear? If you read the whole comment I think you will have a better understanding of my point?

U have no point!

I thank al of u for ur post but just that I don't exactly what to do now remenber from the day 1 the brother rejected me he don't even care about her sister he is the person in Lagos here how do I called the inlaws the person I sopuse to talk with rejected me since then he never come to my house since I married her sister this is almost 6years now Ihe don't know were I lives now calling the girl villages to talk lay my Compliane they might think am looking for way to leave the girl because of what they have done to me

kingvincenteze:
as it stand now they mean I haven't married to there duther that I should come and do the marriage things complety that the children belong to them pls what do u think I should do now before I started typing this I just left my house because of the qurering and am foce to go to work am at my officer now thank u all for ur understanding comments wisely

You clearly not enjoying your marriage, the family said you aren't married to their daughter, why not end the relationship and get yourself a proper wife?

She doesn't love you, nor does she respect you, so who are you doing with her? and I didn't see any where you mentioned you guys have kids.

Just relax, tell her you need some break, take your time and analyze the whole situation, ask yourself this question, "I'm ready to marry this woman? is she worth the stress and sacrifice? ". Think man.

And you shouldn't have stopped your house project, one step at a time, you should have completed that before thinking of marrying any lady.

oweniwe:


More like this...

There was a funeral service on his "wife's" side and he donated N40,000 to support the burial. Then he made arrangements with his family side to charter a bus to they can go attend the wife people burial. They took some gifts along (cartons of drinks i guess).

After presenting the gifts to the wife's family during the burial ceremony, someone from the wife's family picked the microphone and said they don't know who the O.P and his people are... That even though they claimed to have married their daughter, the o.p has not paid the dowry, nor has he done traditional marriage to wed their daughter. They now ask O.p if he has paid his wife's dowry ... O.P was dumfounded at first but he later told them he has paid... The wife's family asked who he paid the bride price to... O.P identified his wife father... But the man denied collecting dowry from the o.p. the o.p and his people were very embarrassed as all this took place right during the burial program. (The o.p is obviously igbo... Or igbo speaking Delta State parts... I suspect the Delta part cos the wife's grandfather's 7 wives.... Umu This-And -That-Family-Union. You will see great grandfather brother uncle and aunties talking and making demands as if they are your Lord)

So after the burial party, the o.p was called for a meeting with his wife's family union people. It was then that they explained their family union is large and then they queried the man who the o.p said he paid the dowry to if he really collected the money. The man admitted collecting N10,000 dowry from the o.p but he added that the money has been spent treating the wife's late mother in the hospital when she was sick.

The wife's family union then reached a conclusion that since the dowry was not "tabled to them" (O.p goofed by paying dowry to one man, even if the man is the wife's father, he has no right to collect the money alone. This is because dowry is shared among individual families in the family union. For example, if the bride's family union is made up of 7 families and o.p paid N10,000 ... The 10k will be shared X 7 = about N1,400 per family unit. Now in previous marriages within that family union, the man that collected O.P's dowry payment have been collecting his share from other family unit's dowry... They family units did traditional marriage in which the O.Ps wife family prior ate and drank.... But in case of o.p wife, they didn't share their daughter dowry and they didn't do any traditional marriage. ... Just like... "You have been eating our own, you don't want us to eat your own" ...

The excuse that the money o.p paid was used to treat the wife mother in hospital does not concern them. The dowry Money is meant to be shared by the family union... Hospital money is seperate and another thing entirely. In this case, the wife family unit people should have called a family union meeting where they will contrubite money to treat the o.p's wife mother if they are unable to foot the bill on their own but they didn't do that)

So the family union told O.p that for them to recognise him as their inlaw, he should pay the dowry to them and do traditional marriage to fulfill all righteousness. He did not follow the right channel in paying the first dowry and he skipped the traditional marriage. Be like, they told o.p to do "correction".

However, the o.p is angry about how the whole process turned out so he returned to Lagos angrily instead of "having further clarification talks" with his wife's family union.

Whew! What an interesting story! Thank you for your narration. I think the OP should give the glutinous family what they want if he can afford it, otherwise he should just forget about those in-laws. He should just face his family alone.

I don't know why people love to extend family beyond extended family sef! He had to invite his folks to his purported in-laws burial? He couldn't go alone? Whew! Abeg let him pack well. Whew!

kingvincenteze:
thanks u chiommy for ur post as it stand now I have about 250k for the joney now , but my marriega is about 6years old with all this issues on ground do u Adivers me to go on with this marriega am afried the father later called me and beg me to forgive him what he said

So what exactly do you want to do now? Do you want to abandon the lady after giving you two children?

I don't know where you are from but in my place 'bride price' is not the only requirement for marrying a girl. Did they give you lists? Did you buy the things in it? Did you 'settle' the umu ada and umu nna and other relatives?

Go and marry her properly and make her your legal wife. Your wife may be troublesome and rude to you because she is not Happy that you have not fully carried out the marriage requirements. Go and settle her people and make her happy, and then maybe you will have a happier home

sisisioge:



Whew! What an interesting story! Thank you for your narration. I think the OP should give the glutinous family what they want if he can afford it, otherwise he should just forget about those in-laws. He should just face his family alone.

I don't know why people love to extend family beyond extended family sef! He had to invite his folks to his purported in-laws burial? He couldn't go alone? Whew! Abeg let him pack well. Whew!

You cannot deny culture. In my place you don't just pay bride price and leave, it doesn't work that way. You need to fulfill every other requirements, no matter how ridiculous you think it is. Others do it, his own will not be different. In any case if you value your wife you will do everything that is asked of you.

I tell you my husband tried to be difficult and refused to do 'ilu nwanyi' for extended relatives. He did the whole list thing, bride price, traditional marriage e.t.c. When they told him about the 'ilu nwanyi' he refused, saying the people were too far removed and he had no business with them. Unfortunately for him he mentioned this to me, while bragging about how he 'put the elders in their place'.

But no na, I can't change the culture because I married a 'sense man'. I insisted on it. Believe me it caused a lot of fracas in our marriage. He claimed he did what was important, but the question is what isn't? Believe me marrying a wife is not easy, and a woman taking up your name and growing your generation is not easy too. There is nothing a woman's family will demand from her suitors that is TOO MUCH, bearing in mind the value she will add to you as a man.

It took over six years of marriage, before my husband went back with his tail between his legs to beg for forgiveness and fulfill that remaining obligation of 'ilu nwanyi' for selected extended relatives. Now he know the value of a wife, he knows how lucky he was to have found one, he is grateful to my family for giving him a good woman and trust me, at this point there is nothing he would object to if requested.

It all boils down to how much value you place on your wife to be.

UjuJoan2: thank u first of all I was given a list in this list it countian part 1 to 6 in part 1 list umu ada things is there and the umu Nna things that was the first thing I do in that list and paid the dowry but as it stand now with al this I don't know if am married or not married now I don't know were to start about this issues now

UjuJoan2:


You cannot deny culture. In my place you don't just pay bride price and leave, it doesn't work that way. You need to fulfill every other requirements, no matter how ridiculous you think it is. Others do it, his own will not be different. In any case if you value your wife you will do everything that is asked of you.

I tell you my husband tried to be difficult and refused to do 'ilu nwanyi' for extended relatives. He did the whole list thing, bride price, traditional marriage e.t.c. When they told him about the 'ilu nwanyi' he refused, saying the people were too far removed and he had no business with them. Unfortunately for him he mentioned this to me, while bragging about how he 'put the elders in their place'.

But no na, I can't change the culture because I married a 'sense man'. I insisted on it. Believe me it caused a lot of fracas in our marriage. He claimed he did what was important, but the question is what isn't? Believe me marrying a wife is not easy, and a woman taking up your name and growing your generation is not easy too. There is nothing a woman's family will demand from her suitors that is TOO MUCH, bearing in mind the value she will add to you as a man.

It took over six years of marriage, before my husband went back with his tail between his legs to beg for forgiveness and fulfill that remaining obligation of 'ilu nwanyi' for selected extended relatives. Now he know the value of a wife, he knows how lucky he was to have found one, he is grateful to my family for giving him a good woman and trust me, at this point there is nothing he would object to if requested.

Well done ma! You by yourself made sure the bobo paid through his nose. Interesting. Thank God he could afford it...thank God you met in naija...thank God the guy cares about you. I honestly won't mind you if I were him . May God continue to bless your home. Cheers.

Richy4:


I have already... it was my Sunday gift to the op..hope you are doing great..

I am fine o

kingvincenteze:
sisisioge: if I can read my text wel u wil see were I said , I wanted to go with my
villages poelp after the burial but the family of the girl as me
to stay back that they want to see me before I go back then I stay back and and have meeting with the and u wil also see what I said about the metting is after the metting I angryly come back in my base
poelp to go thank u

OK. Just leave them alone and continue with you nuclear family. If your daughters ever want to get married here, give then your blessings without going to the village. Kapish.

sisisioge:


Well done ma! You by yourself made sure the bobo paid through his nose. Interesting. Thank God he could afford it...thank God you met in naija...thank God the guy cares about you. I honestly won't mind you if I were him . May God continue to bless your home. Cheers.

Thanks for the prayers

if I said the marriage is not given me joy or encouraging me to go futher and fulfill other things required in this family some ppls wil said am wicked or I hav fine another woman to marry but I hav been since 5years in this condition I hav know one to share this with so I diceded to come online to share this story about my situation pls mature comment pls know insult pls remenber am 30years old by august 15 2019

kingvincenteze:
UjuJoan2: thank u first of all I was given a list in this list it countian part 1 to 6 in part 1 list umu ada things is there and the umu Nna things that was the first thing I do in that list and paid the dowry but as it stand now with al this I don't know if am married or not married now I don't know were to start about this issues now

How can you do the umu ada and umu nna things and your in-laws will still say they don't know you?

What exactly is it they are demanding from you?

kingvincenteze:
if I said the marriage is not given me joy or encouraging me to go futher and fulfill other things required in this family some ppls wil said am wicked or I hav fine another woman to marry but I hav been since 5years in this condition I hav know one to share this with so I diceded to come online to share this story about my situation pls mature comment pls know insult pls remenber am 30years old by august 15 2019

You are a father of two . . . being 30 doesn't absolve you of your responsibility. You are a man now so you need to act like one.

Nobody forced you into Early marriage and in any case at 25 you were already an adult.

Marriage is full of ups and downs. You actually need to work to make your home a happy one. Believe me you may not get it better elsewhere. Go and settle your wife's family and then come home and work on your marriage.

That is the only advice I have to give.

thank u all that hav already comments on this post just that am looking for a way out about this my situation currently am shearding tears cos this is not the kind of marriage I wanted or the family I wanted am not wedded in the church every thing is upside donw

oweniwe:


More like this...

There was a funeral service on his "wife's" side and he donated N40,000 to support the burial. Then he made arrangements with his family side to charter a bus to they can go attend the wife people burial. They took some gifts along (cartons of drinks i guess).

After presenting the gifts to the wife's family during the burial ceremony, someone from the wife's family picked the microphone and said they don't know who the O.P and his people are... That even though they claimed to have married their daughter, the o.p has not paid the dowry, nor has he done traditional marriage to wed their daughter. They now ask O.p if he has paid his wife's dowry ... O.P was dumfounded at first but he later told them he has paid... The wife's family asked who he paid the bride price to... O.P identified his wife father... But the man denied collecting dowry from the o.p. the o.p and his people were very embarrassed as all this took place right during the burial program. (The o.p is obviously igbo... Or igbo speaking Delta State parts... I suspect the Delta part cos the wife's grandfather's 7 wives.... Umu This-And -That-Family-Union. You will see great grandfather brother uncle and aunties talking and making demands as if they are your Lord)

So after the burial party, the o.p was called for a meeting with his wife's family union people. It was then that they explained their family union is large and then they queried the man who the o.p said he paid the dowry to if he really collected the money. The man admitted collecting N10,000 dowry from the o.p but he added that the money has been spent treating the wife's late mother in the hospital when she was sick.

The wife's family union then reached a conclusion that since the dowry was not "tabled to them" (O.p goofed by paying dowry to one man, even if the man is the wife's father, he has no right to collect the money alone. This is because dowry is shared among individual families in the family union. For example, if the bride's family union is made up of 7 families and o.p paid N10,000 ... The 10k will be shared X 7 = about N1,400 per family unit. Now in previous marriages within that family union, the man that collected O.P's dowry payment have been collecting his share from other family unit's dowry... They family units did traditional marriage in which the O.Ps wife family prior ate and drank.... But in case of o.p wife, they didn't share their daughter dowry and they didn't do any traditional marriage. ... Just like... "You have been eating our own, you don't want us to eat your own" ...

The excuse that the money o.p paid was used to treat the wife mother in hospital does not concern them. The dowry Money is meant to be shared by the family union... Hospital money is seperate and another thing entirely. In this case, the wife family unit people should have called a family union meeting where they will contrubite money to treat the o.p's wife mother if they are unable to foot the bill on their own but they didn't do that)

So the family union told O.p that for them to recognise him as their inlaw, he should pay the dowry to them and do traditional marriage to fulfill all righteousness. He did not follow the right channel in paying the first dowry and he skipped the traditional marriage. Be like, they told o.p to do "correction".

However, the o.p is angry about how the whole process turned out so he returned to Lagos angrily instead of "having further clarification talks" with his wife's family union.

You try

kingvincenteze:
if I said the marriage is not given me joy or encouraging me to go futher and fulfill other things required in this family some ppls wil said am wicked or I hav fine another woman to marry but I hav been since 5years in this condition I hav know one to share this with so I diceded to come online to share this story about my situation pls mature comment pls know insult pls remenber am 30years old by august 15 2019

Your life is quite complicated.

Unfortunately, backing out now will seem like you have 'enjoyed' the woman for 6 years and now want to abandon her with 2 children. I understand your fear of a broken home, being a product of one yourself, but sometimes, we have to make very painful decisions for our overall happiness and sanity. A union where there is no peace, no joy, no laughter but plenty of tears is a union badly in need of healing.

I want to suggest trial separation, although the timing will definitely be suspect. Take time off and clear your head. You can find a hotel to Lodge for like a week where you can be away from the toxic environment in your home, and then take your decision. Nobody will be there with you to enjoy, or endure the results of whatever decision you choose, so take a step back and be wise.

From what I understood from your writeup, your wife is of Igbo extraction. One thing I've learnt about them, if you've not formalised everything in their tradition with regards to marriage rites, your children would not be deemed yours. It is on this ground I implore you to go back to your wife's village and formalise everything. Let them understand you've paid for some things before, umu ada or whatever, so they won't bill you twice.

After all these is settled, you can squarely face your home front. Identify the root cause of the turbulence you are having. What is the reason for the disrespect? Is there something you do she complains of but you don't see anything wrong with? Or is the fault fully from her side? Start with that and work with it. You do engineering, so you know how faults are probed, diagnosed and rectified. Employ similar approach here and do it diplomatically. At best, you both visit a marriage counsellor. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED. Couples who married early are known to experience turbulence during the earlier years of their marriage. It's likely a phase you will come through with.

If after everything, you still are not satisfied with the outcome, then the decision lies with you, but your children are yours. The good thing is, I see you triumphing!

My only advice...

1.. You cares a lot about traditional things that's why they are taking advantage of you.. Just ignore them and continue to be the loving and caring father that u are to your kids... and your wife as if nothing is happening...

2...You have consumed your marriage.. and the result is the two kids... the money that will be used for dowry , use it to provide food, clothes etc for your kids... if I were to be in your shoes, I will only go forward because looking else where (ie thinking about the dowry that I have done paying already) and starting all over again is like setting my alarm clock backwards..

3... If your wife is causing you some grief.. remind her of the family she was coming from... How your journey with her started till now... If she wants to go, let her go but let her not take the kids... I can't believe that she has forgotten how you gave #10, 000 6yrs ago when it was needed the most... There are lots of single ladies out there who will happily take her place without dowry .she is already a mother of 2.. what she's doing is gragra...Instead of giving those people your money go to the church and do small church wedding with 20 or 30 people in attendance. .

I can't imagine that some people still place price tag on women at this day and age... As if they were commodities.. and some people supporting this issue, I just don't know if they really know the meaning of marriage..

I was thinking that if a woman loves a man, and wants to be with that man, she will not directly cause him pain and grief vis-a-vis ... Do not let anyone dictate to you on how to run your family... Sorry to say this but your wife is an ungrateful cloth pole.. sitting or standing there and letting u get humiliated was not what anyone who claimed to love her spouse will do..

I thank u all for ur beautiful post and also welcoming those that wil also post there comment wil dis marriage last after I might spend al this money now the hole villages was involved in this issue waiting for when I wil come for the fully marriega In which the list in total Is about 850k and was warned if the girl accidentally die that I wil married her in death and they wil collect every thing that was require from me

kingvincenteze:
if I said the marriage is not given me joy or encouraging me to go futher and fulfill other things required in this family some ppls wil said am wicked or I hav fine another woman to marry but I hav been since 5years in this condition I hav know one to share this with so I diceded to come online to share this story about my situation pls mature comment pls know insult pls remenber am 30years old by august 15 2019

Bros pls better go n repair your home, don't indulge in marrying the other woman you found.

kingvincenteze:
I thank u all for ur beautiful post and also welcoming those that wil also post there comment wil dis marriage last after I might spend al this money now the hole villages was involved in this issue waiting for when I wil come for the fully marriega In which the list in total Is about 850k and was warned if the girl accidentally die that I wil married her in death and they wil collect every thing that was require from me

can I hear you say 850k, abeg which side is this woman from?

@ muphrryrich Bros pls better go n repair your home, don't indulge in marrying the other woman you found thank u so much with ur post .

I don't want to called the part she is from but is from enugu I understand is because the large family of the girl bring of this issue this family are up to 50 poelps and each family hav there shears

I can remenber one of the elders said this that when the came to my side to marriage the spend up to 400k that the list the gave me in 2014 is know more existing that they hav added some things so I need to get the new list that wil cost me 1k cos if they go outside for marriage when comes back the wil add to there list or remove

This is my suggestion. Tell them you don't have that kind of money. Don't spend more than 250k. If they refuse, ignore them. Don't communicate with them again. Use that money to train your children.

Why are they demanding that much money from you? Did you give them the impression that you are comfortable? Your wife must be very stupid to sit quiet and encourage such nonsense. I am sure if you have 850k there are many things that you can use it to do to better your lives. Before doing the traditional marriage I think you should have a discussion with your wife and try to resolve the issues you both have right now.

Also, you live in Lagos so all this pressure is up to you as a person. No sane man can come and claim your child is not your own all the way from the village to Lagos. It won’t even work. So no fear jare. You can’t afford it means you cannot afford it. If your wife does not like it let her go and find another man that her kinsmen can milk.

Hold your children well, they can do nothing to you. Except they will come and tell you with proof that it is their sperm that made those children. Rubbish. You are worrying over nothing. Face your life and improve yourself, if in future you have enough money to pay up the brideprice then you can revisit that issue but for now you don’t have the money. Tell them all you have is 5k. Nonsense.

So unfortunate that you neither enjoy your marriage nor have peace with your in-laws.

How can you be at having troubles with your in-laws as regards dowry payment on one hand and your wife will be a stubborn woman on the other hand? You have to take charge of your home, be a man.