So I’ve never actually brought a personal issue to this forum, but this one is beyond me and I don’t know the best course of action to take here. I believe that there are people here who may have had a similar experience or might know what best to do. This may be a bit long.

So there’s this neighbor of mine whom I have an after-school agreement with. She’s a stay-at-home mum with two kids (a nursing baby and a four-year-old) while I have one child (also four). I usually leave my office at 4:00pm, so the agreement is, after-school at 12:30pm, I’ll go pick up the kids (they go to the same school) and return to work while she watches my son for me. I get my son his lunch and snacks before he goes there, even though she’s begged me to stop doing that, but I can’t saddle her with feeding a child that’s not hers.

The issue now is, a lot of violent things have happened in that house and as of this week, my son won’t be returning there. But I fear for the woman. Our homes are separated by a wall, but we often hear the arguing and crying sometimes. I knew she was having marital issues but I didn’t know the extent.

About two weeks ago, I went to get my son from the house and I noticed he wasn’t talking as usual. My son is the very boisterous type who likes to bounce as he walks, and he’ll usually try to take the key from my hand so he’ll open the door himself. That day, he wasn’t talking as usual. He seemed scared and shaken up. I knew the woman would sometimes punish the kids by asking them to kneel down when they fought, but she wouldn’t hit them. I asked him what the issue was, if anyone at school or home had been looking for his trouble, the guy said no.
He’s very close to his father (they are best friends), so when my husband came home I asked him to talk to the boy because he couldn’t choke his food down. After about a while, my son opened up. Apparently, he’d witnessed a very violent beating that he was struggling to find the right words to explain. He said that David’s father had been punching his mother in the passage with two hands at a time, and when she’d tried to run, he brought her back and beat her more. He said that he and David had to hide under the table because they were scared of getting hurt. He then said the mother raised a flower vase and hit him on his head, but the man continued beating her and shouting at her.

I didn’t know what to say. My son had witnessed a violent beating and it traumatized him. We soothed the boy and told him to forget about it. I then knew why the woman didn’t come out to hand him over as she usually did when I went to get him. He just came to me by himself.
The next day, I was skeptical about taking my son back there but he said he doesn’t want to stop playing with David and Sandra (the one-year-old baby). After school, I picked the boys up and drove them home. David’s mom came to the door and her face was badly bruised. I had to ask her what was wrong, but she hurriedly said she fell down and then took the kids from me.

On Friday last week, two days ago, the worst happened. It was around 3:00 or 3:30 when the woman called me at work. I picked the phone up and it was my son. He said that David’s mummy was lying on the floor and wasn’t opening her eyes. He said she was still moving but she couldn’t open her eyes. That blood was coming out her nose and mouth and their daddy had driven away. My heart literally flew out of my chest.

I called my husband as I was driving home and told him to meet us at the hospital. Long story cut short, she was badly battered and torn apart, almost about to give up life. I took her and all the kids to the hospital. While they were cleaning her wounds and hooking her up to the IV, I sorted out the bills. My husband tried to reach out to hers but he was rejecting the calls, so he went to make a statement at the area police command. They told us to contact them once she wakes up to give her statement. The police doesn’t usually like to dabble into marital issues but the woman was disfigured beyond imagination.

Sadly, you won’t believe what she said when she came to after a few hours. She started begging us to not report to anybody and not even call her family. That she’ll refund us the hospital bills and we should just call her friend that lives in New Haven to come and look after her. She was trying to protect the beast that had beaten her and left her for dead. We tried to reason with her because the man would certainly kill her sooner or later. She said he’s her husband and the father of her kids, bla bla bla. She told us that she’d been confronting him about a girl he’d been gallivanting openly with him, and that’s been the cause of all their issues.

She told me to use my number and call her husband because he doesn’t have me as a contact. I called him and told him the wife he tried to kill was in the hospital. He told me that she had better remain there because he’ll kill her if she ever comes near his house again. He hung up on me. She’s still insisting that he doesn’t mean it and she must go back once she’s discharged.

The issue now is, should we withdraw the police report or take the case up? The woman’s life is in danger and she doesn’t seem to understand the seriousness of her situation, writing it off as momentary anger. I don’t know why women choose to remain in these violent situations even when they have children to live for. She’s not even thinking about her one-year-old who has been with me all weekend.

Mature advice is needed here. Pease push to front page. I don’t know if we’ll be overstepping our boundaries by trying to help her.

Hmmm

This is Stockholm syndrome at its best.

I'd advise you keep your son away from witnessing such traumatic scenes and abuses because it would be very damaging to his young fragile psyche. And to think that such damage wasn't coming directly from his/your homestead? Save the young man all the stress, please.

As for the couple, to talk put for husband and wife matter dey tire person jare

First off, o would have loved to say you should mind your business but right here, that lady needs help. Most probably if I were in your situation, I would slap her hard because I don’t get why she is been bartered and still insists on going back.

Could you please help me ask her if her husband owes her anything ? Please!

And also, please remind her that she wouldn’t take care of her kids in the grave and please look for her religious leader to talk to her or call a sister or something. As for the police case, uh....it may not work out , remember you said something about not dabbling.

Ps... new haven boys do wonders. You know that new haven primary school, go there at night and bill them to beat the heck out of that man. Rubbish

mysticgal:
First off, o would have loved to say you should mind your business but right here, that lady needs help. Most probably if I were in your situation, I would slap her hard because I don’t get why she is been bartered and still insists on going back.

Could you please help me ask her if her husband owes her anything ? Please!

And also, please remind her that she wouldn’t take care of her kids in the grave and please look for her religious leader to talk to her or call a sister or something. As for the police case, uh....it may not work out , remember you said something about not dabbling.

Ps... new haven boys do wonders. You know that new haven primary school, go there at night and bill them to beat the heck out of that man. Rubbish

Babe me sef don tire. She's already seeing the repercussions of enduring domestic violence and how it affects her kids. I'm the one taking care of the baby while David is in the hospital with her. They are already suffering.

This kain matter just tire me. Her family is too local and would try to make peace and return her there.

Ishilove
Pocohantas
Naptu2

I need mature advice.

daddytime:
Hmmm

This is Stockholm syndrome at its best.

I'd advise you keep your son away from witnessing such traumatic scenes and abuses because it would be very damaging to his young fragile psyche. And to think that such damage wasn't coming directly from his/your homestead? Save the young man all the stress, please.

As for the couple, to talk put for husband and wife matter dey tire person jare

My son won't be going back there, but I'm worried for her and those innocent kids.

Just find another babysitter for your son and withdraw the police case. There is nothing you or your husband can do if she doesn't want to charge her husband for battery and assault.

I just pity her children

Tale of a masochist who meets a sadist to the bewilderment of the neighbors....

I'm sure it started from a slap, then a punch, then a pounding....in between, the guy might have showed some bipolar tendencies and also showed his "romantic" side and it's this side the woman is fixated on which makes the suffering endurable. "He's not always like this" is the consoling factor.

My advice? Limit your involvement in this issue BUT create a sort of awareness to the security agencies. You would have done your civic responsibility. Also withdraw your child from there until normalcy is restored....such scenes of violence will have devastating effects on your son's outlook of the world when he grows. However in every way do your part, but in moderate doses.

Evil prevails cos good men do nothing.

Dearest Lord in heaven! Ahhhhh! Heavens please be kind to me and mine.

Madam OP, you've done your bit. Thank you. Kindly seal it by calling her family too. That crazyyy little Mrs is destined to die with the title. As for your kid, biko find him another place to stay after school.

We are all responsible for our choices. Please let the world know, let her family know, let the police remain in the know so that he could easily go to the prison he so desperately sort after. Afterall, either could have chosen to walk away. I just pity his kids.

daddytime:
Hmmm

This is Stockholm syndrome at its best.

I'd advise you keep your son away from witnessing such traumatic scenes and abuses because it would be very damaging to his young fragile psyche. And to think that such damage wasn't coming directly from his/your homestead? Save the young man all the stress, please.

As for the couple, to talk put for husband and wife matter dey tire person jare

You took the words out of my mouth.
That man has no regards for either her or her life and wants her out of his way the sooner the better.
If he kills her and gets caught, he goes to jail. What then becomes of the children.
Its an abusive relationship, she has pride issues in her family that's why she can't tell them.
She has to leave, no two ways about it.
Count your blessings, take those kids out and settle elsewhere. Forget about men and their troubles. You can survive without them.
Don't close the police case. He should be prosecuted for domestic abuse .

FatherBona:

You took the words out of my mouth.
That man has no regards for either her or her life and wants her out of his way the sooner the better.
If he kills her and gets caught, he goes to jail. What then becomes of the children.
Its an abusive relationship, she has pride issues in her family that's why she can't tell them.
She has to leave, no two ways about it.
Count your blessings, take those kids out and settle elsewhere. Forget about men and their troubles. You can survive without them.
Don't close the police case. He should be prosecuted for domestic abuse .

Na when e don finally kill her, him body go come cooleee. E go come do face like pikin wey oyibo forget inside ship for him mug photo.

She wouldn't leave just because you want her to leave. She would only leave when she decides to leave- hopefully it isn't to the great beyond.

Nigerian women have been brainwashed into thinking they are nothing without marriage.

Even when it is endangering to their lives, they keep fighting for same marriage. Maybe because they don't have the financial strength to stand alone...

They always forget one thing, the same people that would call you "olosho, divorcee or feminist" for walking out of an abusive marriage...are the same people that will type "RIP, why didn't she leave?". But that is when you are dead anyway.

You can't plase humans. So, just please you...

As for the case, well, obey her wish. She knows him better.

You've done your part, you can only advice her, you can't pressure her to work out of the marriage or go on with the police. Her leaving is entirely of her own volition, and too bad she hasn't seen the need to.

Maybe death is whispering to her
Maybe she's scared of the "stigma"of being an ex-wife
Maybe she's scared of her future without the man
Maybe she feels he'll change
Maybe there's something that binds her to him
Maybe she enjoys being beaten

But until she sees the need to save her life and her children's, your words will fall on deaf ears. You can only hope it doesn't become late.

People should stay off abusive partners!

sisisioge:
Dearest Lord in heaven! Ahhhhh! Heavens please be kind to me and mine.

Madam OP, you've done your bit. Thank you. Kindly seal it by calling her family too. That crazyyy little Mrs is destined to die with the title. As for your kid, biko find him another place to stay after school.

We are all responsible for our choices. Please let the world know, let her family know, let the police remain in the know so that he could easily go to the prison he so desperately sort after. Afterall, either could have chosen to walk away. I just pity his kids.

OP please do as she has said..you've done your best..Women sha...God help us o...

Why don't you and your husband mind your business? Your husband went too far by going to report that man on his own accord. If that environment isn't safe for your son, take him elsewhere and stop meddling in matters you shouldn't. When this woman needs your help, she'll contact you. For now, it's obvious she doesn't need one.

To you guys, she has a thousand reasons to leave, but in her head, she's stuck up there. Thinking of how to raise her children alone without a job, if she leaves. The best you can do for her is to help her start thinking of how to get something doing to be liberated

Withdraw the police case, you are not her relative, so there is an extent to which you should handle the lady's marital issues. It's unfortunate that this lady's self esteem has been ruined to an extent that she feels an abusive husband is her only hope in life. As a caring friend which you are, it's not gonna be easy to know that she is still passing through hell, yeah, because she has chosen a hell of a marriage for herself, it's her life/choice.

Yes you must look for a nanny for your son, this is the right time to keep your son off such an environment. But make sure you talk to her for the last time. Tell her that if she dies, her husband will remarry, what becomes of her son? Why is she a stay-at-home mom? Tell her if she leaves now, there is hope to get another husband, but if she is maimed with life time injuries it would be worse. It's better to meet her family people, and show them the pictures (hope you took pictures) of her battered body, don't even meet her pastor for help, pastors won't be able to help, they will say divorce is sin. I don't know if women should die in marriages because divorce is sin. Check on her from time to time anyways.....hmm!

Since she wishes to die let her be. She probably has no source of income and cant go home to burden her people. This is what happens when people see marriage as the ultimate. Rip in advance to her

Mheen! You had better leave the woman alone. It's very hard to help an uncooperative woman in an abusive marriage. Before you know it, she might even start saying you are the one who wants to destroy her marriage. Seen such happens. This one is even the breadwinner of the home, pay every bills in the house. The last time her husband paid the children school fees was when the first born was in KG 2, the boy is in JSS 3 now, never pay anything for second and third born. Even for the house wey the wife dey pay the rent, the man no Wan see any of his wife family members even for a visit. This is a very hard working and good woman. Mheen! Some people aren't just lucky.

Don't withdraw the case! Keep the police informed, there are so many unsolved cases in the police station.So leaving this open too for as long as it takes won't do any harm. Believe me, you won't be able to withstand the guilt if anything happens to that woman.You would wish you had done more than just watch and mind your business.


But withdraw your involvement with the couples, don't talk about the situation with with the wife anymore, look for another baby sitter but don't hesitate to report any form of violence with evidence. You may call the police to catch the neighbors husband red handed. Wisdom is a principal thing.

GrabHisBalls:
Why don't you and your husband mind your business? Your husband went too far by going to report that man on his own accord. If that environment isn't safe for your son, take him elsewhere and stop meddling in matters you shouldn't. When this woman needs your help, she'll contact you. For now, it's obvious she doesn't need one.

To you guys, she has a thousand reasons to leave, but in her head, she's stuck up there. Thinking of how to raise her children alone without a job, if she leaves. The best you can do for her is to help her start thinking of how to get something doing to be liberated

You sound as if we just walked into their home to pry. I found her on the floor nearly dead with my son in the same room. What was I supposed to do? Scoop my boy and leave her there? I used to share your position on people minding their businesses on such matters, but the reality changes once you're actually the one facing it.

It's a sad one.

computergeek:
So I’ve never actually brought a personal issue to this forum, but this one is beyond me and I don’t know the best course of action to take here. I believe that there are people here who may have had a similar experience or might know what best to do. This may be a bit long.

Mature advice is needed here. Lalasticlala, Mynd44, Seun, Dominique, RoyalRoy, please push to front page. I don’t know if we’ll be overstepping our boundaries by trying to help her.

Are you in Lagos State?
If yes, go to High Court, GRA Ikeja and ask for Domestic Violence Court/Office.

You are legally bound by law to report any and all forms of domestic violence. Whether you are the victim, OR YOU WITNESSED IT.

Secondly, you are causing irreparable damage to your child mentally and psychologically. HE WILL BECOME AN ADULT THAT WILL BEAT FEMALES, because his parents allowed him experience it as a child.

Get help (legal and safety) for your neighbour before she becomes another Titilayo Arolowo of Kolade Arolowo and/or Zainab Neilsen of the Peter Neilsen (Danish dude)

So many contrasting pieces of advice here. This is a wawu case. Mynd44, Lalasticlala, yours handworks are needed.

fkj950ax:


Are you in Lagos State?
If yes, go to High Court, GRA Ikeja and ask for Domestic Violence Court/Office.

You are legally bound by law to report any and all forms of domestic violence. Whether you are the victim, OR YOU WITNESSED IT.

Secondly, you are causing irreparable damage to your child mentally and psychologically. HE WILL BECOME AN ADULT THAT WILL BEAT FEMALES, because his parents allowed him experience it as a child.

Get help (legal and safety) for your neighbour before she becomes another Titilayo Arolowo of Kolade Arolowo and/or Zainab Neilsen of the Peter Neilsen (Danish dude)

Of course my son will not be returning there, and we're in Enugu state.

computergeek:
Of course my son will not be returning there, and we're in Enugu state.

Find out from the nearest Enugu State High Court close to you. A lot of States have adopted the Domestic Violence and Sexual Offense Related System

Withdraw you report, find a crèche for your baby and allow the woman to enjoy her MRS title. You cannot help someone that is not ready to help themselves. People like that woman will only leave when she decides to leave.

computergeek:
You sound as if we just walked into their home to pry. I found her on the floor nearly dead with my son in the same room. What was I supposed to do? Scoop my boy and leave her there? I used to share your position on people minding their businesses on such matters, but the reality changes once you're actually the one facing it.

It's a sad one.

You and your husband did well by taking her to the hospital. My point was, it was not your family's business to have gone to report the man. His wife would have done that if she actually wanted to live a violence free life. That's where minding your business in issues like this comes in. Since you're asking whether you should dismiss the case, the police need to corroborate what your husband reported to what his wife says before he could be arrested. What if she denies nothing of that nature happened? Which is likely to be the case.

You could only help her get out by getting her something doing or offering to foot her bills 'till she gets something doing. That's how NGOs get such women liberated.

computergeek:
So many contrasting pieces of advice here. This is a wawu case. Mynd44, Lalasticlala, yours handworks are needed.

You see it as contrasting advice because you have not been wrongly accused of meddling into issue that's not your business. There is little you can do. That's just the truth.

Here is another step you can take.

Try and see her and let her tell you her fears. People in abusive marriages have one or two fears which is why they don't see walking out of the marriage as a solution. Like the woman issue i stated up there, her fear is her two junior sisters have also walked out of their marriages. So, she as the first born does not want her case to be like that as well. It's not even about money. She just has the fear of what people will be saying. So, talk to her to know her fear and see if it's something you guys can help her with. No let the husband catch you oo and don't let your husband go to the police station on their case again. Abusive men can be dangerous. Let your husband and family life be a priority to you.

computergeek:
Babe me sef don tire. She's already seeing the repercussions of enduring domestic violence and how it affects her kids. I'm the one taking care of the baby while David is in the hospital with her. They are already suffering.

This kain matter just tire me. Her family is too local and would try to make peace and return her there.

Ishilove
Pocohantas
Naptu2

I need mature advice.

My sister, if I were you I will dabble to the extent people will call me a witch. Not because of the silly woman but for the sake of her innocent children. I will go through her phone and call her family members. I will take pictures and broadcast it to them, making it seem worse than it already is. I will make noise to the extent people will call me busybody. I will even give policemen money to trump up charges like 'attempted murder.'

It's not meddling. It's called tough love.

If she dies from one of the beatings, you will feel guilty because you had a chance to try to save her but you didn't.

I really cannot wrap my head around women enduring domestic abuse. I know some people will advice her to pray, and yes prayer is one of the keys to turning around a bad marriage, but kindly pray far from where his iron fists can dislocate your jaw.

Don't stay in a toxic environment. Flee!!

Ishilove:

My sister, if I were you I will dabble to the extent people will call me a witch. Not because of the silly woman but for the sake of her innocent children. I will go through her phone and call her family members. I will take pictures and broadcast it to them, making it seem worse than it already is. I will make noise to the extent people will call me busybody. I will even give policemen money to trump up charges like 'attempted murder.'

It's not meddling. It's called tough love.

Lmao. Ishi, make the guy no face you o?

Ishilove:

My sister, if I were you I will dabble to the extent people will call me a witch. Not because of the silly woman but for the sake of her innocent children. I will go through her phone and call her family members. I will take pictures and broadcast it to them, making it seem worse than it already is. I will make noise to the extent people will call me busybody. I will even give policemen money to trump up charges like 'attempted murder.'

It's not meddling. It's called tough love.

LOL. You think it is easy like that. What if the woman says nothing of such is happening in her marriage. You never see things. Tough love is for only if she is ready to be helped. See, the woman story i stated up there is a nurse, she knows human rights agency if she wants to be helped, she would have gone to report her husband but she didn't.
There was a time she was pregnant sef, the husband beats her like mad and she had to run away from home for 5 days. The man didn't ask of her even in her condition. Later, she went back. Alot can be done if the woman is ready to be helped but little can be done as she is not ready. That's the truth.

pocohantas:


Lmao. Ishi, make the guy no face you o?

Dem neva born his forefathers well.

Kendumazy:


LOL. You think it is easy like that. What if the woman says nothing of such is happening in her marriage. You never see things.

Not when I have pictorial proof. That is why I said I will meddle till people call me busybody.

computergeek:
S

Are you in Lagos?