Episode 1

He peered into the sachet through the lacerated edge. Sucking at it vigorously, he drained the last drop. The 35cl sachet of water did nothing for him. His throat was parched as the Sahara. He had walked all day, yet nothing. He looked down at his dust covered shoes and shook his head.

I’m poor, poor as a church rat.

He crumpled up the polythene sachet and threw it in the rusted recycle bin. He wondered what percentage of whatever goes into the bin ever made the said process. He at least tried to keep the city clean. One good thing if God was counting.

The sun was high up now, glowing in all its fury. Sweat glistened on his near bald head, he wiped his entire head and face with his faded handkerchief. Turning the corner into the dirt road that led to his dingy apartment, he spotted the Boli (roasted plantain) seller in her usual spot under the mango tree, fanning the flames that created the local delicacy. He redirected his steps taking a longer route home. No use spending the hot afternoon explaining the inexplicable. He had no seventy naira to pay for his last purchase and that was that.

He shook his head. He was a laughable pity.

The day was barely over. What to do now? He thought of paying Linda a visit. The fair skinned slim Linda, his long term girlfriend of four months. He thought better of it.

Her mother will be home now. She hated his guts and he knew why. He was poor. It’s sad but Linda’s mother; a big madam who sold Voil and taffeta laces in Alade market does not want a pauper for a son in law. He always ended up defending his poverty every time he had the grave misfortune of encountering her.

Better call Linda to come over to his place.

He reached for his phone and dialed her number, waiting for the customary African Queen ring back tune, all he got was, ‘you have insufficient balance……’ He shut it off immediately, disgusted. He hissed and kicked his leg forward hitting his big toe in the process.

Damn! I need a job!

He decided to go home, no point expending his energy walking aimlessly. The door lock gave him hassles as usual. He butted it with his shoulder a few times before it gave way, creaking noisily. He dropped his ‘my clear bag’ containing his CVs and pre-typed application letters on the mattress lying on the bare floor.
He’d learned the pre-typed application thing from a fellow job seeker. All you had to do was fill in the blank spaces for an emergency submission. Semper Paratus!

He opened his pot hoping for something to eat. The first one contained a little stew left over from the weekend. He found some garri in his shelf. He mixed it with the stew and set it on the floor. He removed his shirt and sat on the floor, cursing the heat. He was about to take his first handful when he heard a soft knock on the door. He hid the pot and wiped his hands on a faded napkin.

He could hear Linda’s voice greeting someone as he approached the door. He swung it open and looked into her smiling eyes. She walked past him and sat on the mattress, stretching her legs in front of her.

“Na wa for you, you couldn’t call me”

“My love I was going to, but you know how it is.”

“No problem sha”

“That’s my girl”, he said smiling. He sat beside her and retrieved his pot of garried stew.

FULL STORY HERE: https://defavouredkings.com.ng/the-san-im-poor-as-a-church-rat-episode-1/

Episode 2

“Danieli dey house?” The landlord asked rubbing his palms together and licking his lips at the sight of Linda.

She hissed and folded her arms across her chest. “Baba, e dey sleep, I no fit wake am.”

“Ehn, ehn? Ok now. When e wake tell am say we get talk, hmmm?” He stretched his neck trying to get a glimpse of the room. Linda blocked his view and ground out,

“Ok I go tell am.” She turned and slammed the door in his face before he could say another word.

“That your Landlord sef no get liver. What’s his problem?”

“Linda, I hope I’m not in trouble o. What if he decides to kick me out?” Daniel said coming out of hiding.

“Don’t worry, you’ll move into my house.” She sat on the bed again crossing her legs, a mischievous smile on her heart shaped face.

He laughed at that. He loved the way she made him relax every time. But this time he knew he had to get his act together, or he’ll soon be sleeping on the streets.

“Ok, but I’ll be sleeping in your room o.”

“Of course, now. Where else? My mother’s room?”

“Ehn? World war 3!” they both hollered in unison, laughing like there were no issues.

Two months later, Daniel received a text message inviting him for an interview. He was trudging into the community bathroom with his soap dish floating in the little bucket of water he carried when the beep came. He was so excited he almost hugged his landlord. The Ijebu man was chomping on his chewing stick when Daniel bumped into him.

“Look where you dey go o, haba. Foolish boy, rent you no pay, na so so fine girl you go dey carry up and down.” His countenance changed slightly at his allusion to Linda

“Ehn, ehn, come.” He gestured with his free hand for Daniel to come closer. “That yellow girl wey dey come look for you, that fine one wey get am well, well” he gestured with his arms as he described her, “Shebi na your cousin? Abi….something dey?”

Daniel’s excitement prevented the disgust that would normally have been his reaction to such an outrageous question.

“Baba, leave story, better dey land for me o.  Something dey happen!”

He hurried off to the bathroom as his landlord hissed, spewing out chewing stick juice through the gap in his teeth.

“Better dey abi? Pay my rent o!” he screamed at his retreating back.

The bathroom as not unoccupied, so he waited patiently at the door, his eyes scanning the message again. This must be the law firm he applied to at Igbosere road. The place wasn’t so posh but it was a good start.

He made a mental note to tell Linda about this. In fact he would head to her place right after his bath. It was the jolliest bath he’d had in a long time. The mildew on the walls did not irritate him; neither did the fungi growing on the termite infested door get to him. Today was a good day. The interview was in two days.

Thirty minutes later he knocked on the door of Linda’s house, a huge smile on his face.

“Who is that? Don’t break my door please.” Her mother’s voice sailed from the kitchen; she appeared at the door wiping her hands on a dishtowel. She did a double take at the sight of the young man she had warned to steer clear of her daughter.

“Ehn, ehn?” she clasped her hands together and placed them on her generous mid section.

“Good afternoon ma. How are you?” Daniel managed, almost wilting under her intent gaze. He tried to put on his best I-hope-I-can-be-your-son-in-law-someday smile.

Her hiss wiped off the intention of the smile still gathering at the corners of his mouth.

“What is it to you, if I am fine or not? Biko, tell me why you are here, I’m busy inside.”

“I want to see Linda ma.” Why hadn’t he called before he came?

“Linda no dey. She went to school. Ooh?”

The door slammed in his face before he could think of a response. He just couldn’t get over the woman’s attitude. On second thoughts, she was probably edgy because of the recent downturn her business had taken. Linda had told him a week ago about the break-in at her mothers shop. Yes, that should be it. The poor woman must be stressed sore. But then again, she’d never liked him, stress or not.

Dejected, he retraced his steps back home, but the thought of going back to his empty room did nothing to lift his sprits. He decided to visit his new found neigbourhood pal, Seni, the newspaper distributor. He had struck up a friendship with the guy so he could check newspaper job placements easily. Seni had expanded his business and now had a small stall where he sold magazines, dailies and other periodicals.

“The San! My learned friend! Wetin dey?”

The guy hollered as Daniel rounded the corner and stopped at his stall. They shared jokes for a while before he sat down to read some magazines.

Whilst there, he decided to forward the interview invitation to Linda. He wanted to see her reaction. Does she really believe in him like she says she does? Will she wait for him? Stick with him? Her mother’s attitude was getting to him. The woman had a strong hold on Linda, she could convince her to stay away from him.

He shook his head to clear the thought; he hoped it never came to that.

Her found the message on his phone and forwarded it to her. Thankfully, he still had some airtime. Three minutes later, his phone rang, it was Linda.

“Danny dear, I got your message. Who sent it? Is it for real? It’s in two days o, you don prepare?” she went on; the excitement in her voice was soothing.

Daniel released the breath that had caught in his throat. She loved him.

“I just got it this morning. I’ve even been to your house. I’m really happy.”

“But you don’t sound like you are. What is it? Where are you now?”

“I’m with Seni.”

“Haba, go home and read something o. You must dazzle them for me.”

His smile was wide, now. Love gratitude and an unidentified emotion flooded his heart.

“Ok, I will.”

“Yes, I almost forgot. My friend said something about an NLNG advert o, in Punch newspaper. They want young lawyers, you should check it out.”

“Really? When was it published?

“Last Tuesday.”

“Ok dearie. I’ll check it now.”

She hung up, after promising to be at his place that evening. Seni still had a copy of the said paper which he graciously gave to Daniel. He hurried home to scrutinize it.

FULL STORY: https://defavouredkings.com.ng/the-san-im-poor-as-a-church-rat-episode-2/

Episode 3

The next Day Daniel introduced Linda’s mother to Barrister Barry, the property lawyer at Jones & Barry. Her reluctance to accept his help was understandable. But Barry had decided to help, practically undercharging them. He expressed his pleasure at helping Daniel out. Too bad they couldn’t have him at the chambers.

A month later NLNG called. He had been short listed for a preliminary test in Port Harcourt. He couldn’t believe his luck! Excited, he borrowed some money from a friend. He would go to Asaba to see his mum and probably spend a day with her before heading on to Port Harcourt. He hadn’t seen her in a while.

The test centre was crowded but well managed; there were so many candidates, so the test was done in batches. Walking around the grounds while he waited for his batch, he couldn’t help but dream of what it will be like, working with the oil and gas company. They had better pay well. He planned to get a place of his own and settle down with Linda as soon as possible. They would manage at first but things will work out fine. Linda Understood.

The test went well, better than he imagined. He struck up a friendship with a staff who worked on the NLNG Facility on Bonny Island. Tope was the HR guy for one of the NLNG contractors. He reliably informed him that the interviews will come up soon, best stay around.

Daniel spent the next few days learning about the Operations on the facility. He couldn’t move around freely at first but with Tope’s help he got by.

At nights he talked to Linda. She sounded more distant with every passing day. He didn’t read much to it at first but on this particular night he couldn’t shake the feeling that she was holding something back.

“Linda, is there something you’re not telling me?”

She sighed “No Danny, I’m fine.”

He wasn’t convinced. Could it be the Property issue? Lord! He’d practically forgotten about that.

“How far with the property thing? Is Barry helping?”

“Yes, he is.” her response was rather fast, “Everything is fine.”

“That’s good. So…..is it an out of court settlement? I don’t want it to stress you too much.”

“Yeah, yeah……” the pause was long and filled with a pregnant silence. “So…. have you spoken to Barry at all?”

Daniel kicked himself, muttering under his breath. He should’ve called Barry. He hoped he didn’t come across as being unconcerned about her.

“No, Linda. I haven’t called him. I promise I will though, after I’m done talking to you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay Danny,” she sounded almost relieved. “When are you coming, I miss you bad.”

His heart lurched at the softness in her voice.

“I’ll come tomorrow.”

“What? Really? Tomorrow? Just like that?”

He paused to think about it. Yes, he could take that risk. The interview wasn’t yet; he could steal a day or two.

“Anything for you, babes. I’m going crazy here anyway. I need to see you.”

Linda couldn’t contain her joy. She jumped up from the bed she was lying on.

“So you’re not pulling my legs eh? Don’t try me o!” Her laughter tickled his ears sending his heart fluttering crazily.

“I no fit, Lolo. I’ll be there.”

“Gee, thanks…” her voice trailed off, the excitement waning. She thought of the ugly situation she would have to face with her mum and paused. “Huh… Danny, don’t come to the house. J…just call me when you land and I’ll come over.”

Daniel frowned at that, “Why now? Ehn, Linda. Other than the dislike your mum has for me, anything else?”

FULL STORY: https://defavouredkings.com.ng/the-san-im-poor-as-a-church-rat-episode-3/

Last Episode

Eight grueling hours later, Daniel arrived in Lagos. He took a bike straight form the park and headed to his place. He’d drop his stuff off before he stormed Linda’s place. Men! This feels good.

He met his land lord at the gate of the compound. He looked at him like he was some ghost.

“Danieli? You this boy, you no well o! In fact your head no correct at all, at all.”

“Baba, wetin, ehn? You don start again?” he couldn’t keep the smile from his face. The man felt mocked and grew sterner.

“My rent don increase o! You hear? Hundred ‘pisent’ increase.” He ground out, bobbing his head up and down. “So make you pay me the one wey you owe.”

Daniel laughed heartily, further annoying the man, “No problem baba, hmm? I’ll pay you your money.”

He half jogged into his room as baba Ijebu hissed noisily, wishing he could wipe the silly smile off his face.

He dropped his travel bag, pulled out his prize letter from the side pocket and dashed out. The sun had begun its westward journey when he headed for the Odi’s. He hoped to high heaven Mrs. Odi was in. He was going in for the kill. He couldn’t contain his wicked joy at the look she’d give him. Defeat? Apology? Probably, but certainly not disdain or disrespect. Ha!

The Odi’s residence was bubbling with activity when he arrived. Women of all shapes and sizes were scurrying about carrying plates, pots and pans. Whose birthday was it? Linda? no, not until three months. Her mother probably, But she would have said something.

He suddenly felt very ashamed of himself. The son-in-law who forgot his mother-in-law’s birthday? That wouldn’t do. He made a mental note to make it up to her. He’ll buy her something nice, later.

The wide open space beside the house was well lighted. Halogen flood lights were hung in very corner. There was a well decorated canopy with grey and white balloons, her favourite colours.

Daniel moved closer, surprised her mother will throw such a big party for her birthday amidst their present issues.

There was a drummer, beating mercilessly on his talking drum. Women were dancing feverishly, ‘spraying’ money around. He caught sight of Mrs. Odi as she turned in his direction. She was so lost in the joy of the moment; her eyes were closed as she did an ecstatic dance routine. Oh, it is her day after all. So where was Linda?

His eyes caught a man in silver and grey aso oke. He had on a traditional Yoruba cap turned up at the edges. He was smiling and spraying money around, as he gathered up the extra yards of material swaying around him.

Next to him, he saw her. His breath caught in his throat as he looked on. The highlights in her wide silver and grey head tie, gleaming under the flood lights. She wasn’t smiling but she was dancing.

Black dots danced across his eyes as confusion reigned in his mind. His hands felt heavy, all of a sudden, too heavy to hold the letter. His prize letter. His ticket into the world he craved, a world of relevance. He caressed the letter as he looked over at her, the one that should have been his companion, his soul mate, swaying to the tune of another man’s music.

Sorrow flooded his soul as he dragged his feet back the way he came. Why stay and watch. It felt like his funeral, and then he felt fifty years older than his age.

FULL STORY: https://defavouredkings.com.ng/the-san-im-poor-as-a-church-rat-end/