BLONDIE


A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 6 Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and,there is that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?'

[Warning] very lenghty [/Warning]

                                                              Extra Effort

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist when early in the morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30AM.

I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45.

The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the routine, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.

I was a little surprised when he said: "My, we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond.

The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.

The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year-old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?"

I called back for her to get another from the cabinet.

She called back, "No I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."
Irish Bank Robbery

Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on 2 March 1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat,"

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.

They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST spermatozoa BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.
Netscape Technical Support Folly

Tech: Internet Technical Support this is so-and-so speaking. May I have your username please?

Female Customer: Yes I want to speak to the person in charge immediately!

Tech: Speaking. What can I do for you?

Female Customer: I want to complain about the pornographic bookmarks your company put in my web browser!

Tech: We didn't put any pornographic bookmarks in your web browser.

Female Customer: Oh yes you did! I'm looking at them right now!

(Tech remembers the Netscape history list and grins to himself)

Tech: Where exactly are these "bookmarks" located?

Female Customer: In Netscape!

Tech: And where exactly in Netscape would that be?

Female: In that little list that comes down when you click the little down arrow!

Tech: The one right above the Net Search button?

Female Customer: Yes that one!

Tech: Miss, that's the Netscape history list. Netscape keeps the past ten links you typed in that box. The only way to put an address in that box is for someone to physically sit at your computer and type in a web address.

Female Customer: Well I certainly didn't type in those X rated web addresses!

Tech: Well somebody did. Who else has access to your computer, and uses the Internet?

Female Customer: Just me and my husband!

(Several seconds of silence pass ,  Hey! I wasn't going to say it!)

Female Customer: ,  oh,  OOOH! ,  Thank you.

(She quickly hung up)

King Solomon

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.
"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half.
Each of you shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the

room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30

or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well;

he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home

and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are

from Alabama, son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the

alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some

made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening,

Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly,

explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, son." The next day, after Physical

Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his

grade, he seemed overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his Dad. "Dad,

they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from

Alabama?" he asked. "No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

"The Gift"



A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful
consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right
note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom
and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of
panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got
the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the
contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart
with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for
your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons,
but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

"These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were
hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really
smart.

"I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to
see you again.

"When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them
away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

"Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.

"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing."

Rating 1-10: 10 being best. 9

Na only joke long reach like dis ni

D 1st did nt mk me read more
well mayb i read 4rm anoda angle

@op
you've gat some really cool jokes hia kip em coming

I like the first one. Thumbs up!

Thunder fire that ya phone plus the network service. Mschew, I appreciate your joke you no happy. Bonga fish oshi.

gush d u have to post d whole of news testament to make us lafff , fish monger u try tssseew

me def don polish my gun

stupendous i ask u wey u go , btwn shey na me u call herma ,hmm u strt abi u tek style strt
identify which wan so i can embrace my opportunity

are u dsylexic

ur malnutritioned system is failing u again shey , fool
c as d monkey dey derail hin own thread jus bcus he wan enter front page

Nice jokes Vicks - u don finally arrive!

But erm. . .seen the 3rd one b4 sha

Mr.Bones:

[size=14pt] abi the brain wey burn your sensory circuit ? [/size]

Na your brain the sensory circuit burn. How you still be Mr.Bones, I wonder. You suppose don turn to Mr.Ashes.

I no know why they never kill you since. Dem suppose don give you otapiapia since. Mschew, no be you dey expose your plagued-teeth for here?

You don dey mad. Foolish fish.