Vicyace:
Bros,

In all honesty, you are soft, way too soft. Although you are reasonable, it's important to be decisive and put everyone in their place.

You have been able to thoroughly understand both your mum and your wife. You have solved the puzzle halfway. Now, you have to take some rigid decisions. You have been flexible enough and it's obviously not yielding any positive results. You mum still acts the way she always does, your wife still plays you emotionally and dictates how she wants things to run.

As the head of the family, take a stand. Call a meeting between both families. Before doing this, have another discussion with your mum and your wife separately. This time, let them know you are not having anymore bullshit from none of them. Tell them, henceforth, things are going to be done your own way as the head of the family. Tell them loving each other or at least pretending to love each other is non negotiable. Your mum should have access to her grandson just as your in-laws do.

The meeting between both families should go a long way in resolving these differences. Your wife's parents also have a lot to do in talking sense to your wife. If they want you to have peace, then they should plead with your wife to make peace with your mum.

Pray to God for guidance and remember to take a stand. Show a different and a much more manly and decisive side of you and watch both of them behave.

Women like that have zero regards for their own family

astute28:
Obviously you have no say in that house, may be is your wife or your wife family that sponsor your wedding that's why you don't have a say when your mother want to include her guest and your wife reject it, my brother is normal thing to involve your mum in your wedding planning, your wife is a very wicked person, and you are doing like mumu siding with your wife, is obvious say na your wife dey take care of your bills, you don't have a say over your wife... Your wife can do that to her mother?.. Karma will speak

.. I thought I was the only person reasoning in this direction. Nice one.

E685:
My wife and I have been together for 8 years now, married for 5. I am 33 and she is 30. We now have our first child, a son who is just turning 1. He is everything to both of us. Before our son, our relationship was strong, although to be honest I’ve always been frustrated with my wife’s way of handling issues. I’m the kind of person who is very hard to get angry, I hear people out, and I talk out my issues. I listen to all sides and I think logically before emotionally. I seek therapy when I’m stuck. My wife is the opposite. She reacts with emotions first. She is very quick to be offended by anything. She will shut down and refuse to communicate until she has had time to process. I do all of the work resolving issues we have. I sometimes wonder if I ever stop taking the high road and work through our issues, if anything would ever resolve itself. So that being said, conflict management aside, we are happy. We are passionate, have similar interests, and make each other laugh.

Then there’s my mother. Where to begin. My mother, while seen as incredibly loving and generous to many people, is also a person who has been shut out of so many relationships in her life that I really just feel bad. My father and her are divorced. She has a genuine phobia of being left out - of gatherings, of relationships, of family. She is extremely smart and knows how to manipulate people into doing what she wants. She also widely seen as a “difficult” person. She is difficult in that she finds great offense to issues many people would not notice or care about. If she feels wronged, she will overwhelm the person who wronged her with incessant questions trying to make them feel her side until they cave in. In her closest relationships, her absolute need for the show of love and inclusion and validation cause the very people she is trying to reel closer in to push her away, a self fulfilling prophecy. My Mom, while I love her, is her own worst enemy.

Needless to say, these two, my wife and my mother, clash. At first they liked each other. The very first issue involved our wedding planning. My wife had a very clear plan for the guest list, and my mom asked for a number of her friends to be included on the list. My wife did not want that, got immediately upset and the situation blew out of control. My mom called me nonstop asking why my wife could be so cold, unwilling to see her side, or give in even an inch. My wife felt my Mom was making the wedding all about her, and could not believe she was called cold. She was “done”. My mom wasn’t paying for a cent of the wedding either so this was another offense. In the end I brokered a compromise, much to the dismay of both women. Each held the grudge for a long time.

Occasionally my mother would do something that my wife disliked, and my wife would be pissed at me for not standing up for her. Admittedly I had never stood up to my mother, I always took the time to listen to her side and find reason behind her otherwise inflammatory ways. My wife and mother had a falling out right before the wedding, and forced me to choose sides. I struggled as I found both of them to be at fault. I chose my wife and my mother hated it. Ever since, basically anything that my mother says or does, whether good or not, offends my wife. Even the most genuine attempts by my mother to reach out to my wife are smacked down. My wife has never made any effort to release the past resentment. Over the years my mother has attempted to take the high road, only to be barely acknowledged by my wife. I have always pleaded with my wife to at least pretend to like my mother. She did a bad job of pretending because my mother would always call me and ask why my wife appears to never care or never let go of past feelings. So both saw through each other, my mother would continue to act happy and loving, while my wife never would.

Anyway now our son came into the picture. He is amazing and being the first grandchild on both sides, the grandparents want to be around him every chance they can get. My mother visit every weekend. I told my wife we have to let her do this. My wife dreaded this. I told my mother that one of the weekends, we wanted her to visit on a Sunday (staying over till Monday morning) instead of a Saturday because we had plans that Saturday. In actuality the day was a birthday celebration for my father in law, being held at her parents house. She just didn’t want my mother involved in everything so she put her foot down. My mother wouldn’t take no for an answer and pulled it out of me what we were doing that day. Well she took great offense to the fact that she was not automatically invited, and couldn’t believe how cold, unChristian, and I loving my wife and her family were.

This stuff affects me greatly so of course I share with my wife, and she exclaims she is done with my mother. No longer wants to be nice or pretend, she is tired of how much my mother always wants it all to be her way and then throws out insulting and hurtful words about my wife to get her way. I get messages from my moms friends telling me how I need to see things my moms way, they would never exclude their mother this way, and that my wife is causing all of this.

And so here we are. I saw my mother the next day, and my wife removed herself from the situation by staying out for the day. It was incredibly uncomfortable. I told my mother how mad I was at her for always being so difficult and never just letting it go. I told her my real feelings about how I wished she could stop needing such inclusion and love. Her response was that she is justified in wanting to be included in everything, and that my wife has never shown her any love or effort and it was obvious, so what could she possibly do? I told her my wife is willing to work on this, perhaps in professional therapy. But in reality my wife wants no part of that and has no desire to mend anything anymore. I think she resents me for trying to mend things.

So what do I do? I’m frustrated with my mom for being difficult, always needing more and never letting things go, and saying inflammatory things when she doesn’t get her way. But I see that all she’s ever wanted was peace and love, and my wife never gave her that. I’m frustrated with my wife for getting so easily offended at everything my mother says or does, and I wish she could make any effort to see the other side and let go of such a grudge. My mother is definitely strong willed and manipulative but I think there is love there if only we could work through it. My wife is extremely assertive and refuses to let anyone wrong her twice. Both think the other has always been dead wrong, the entirety of the blame, and will never change. My wife is ok never seeing my mother again, yet my mother says she wants to let bygones be bygones and attempt to work through it.

What should I do? Forever stuck in the middle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Oga, I am not in your family, but I strongly believe that the main reason that you can not do anything is because their is no one in your wife's family who you can report her to. Most women like this have zero regards foir their own family. If not that, what kind of woman will disrespect another woman that can pass for her own mother.?

Did you read anywhere the OP said his mom wants to run her home?

The truth is women are their worst enemy. Believe me , your wife will face the same thing with your son's wife.

For me, I have been there and still there. When you are wrong I tell you to your face you are wrong, with or Mama, AND BOTH RESENT ME FOR THIS. ADULT SHOULD BEHAVE LIKE ADULT, WIFE LIKE WIFE. BOTH SHOULD RESPECT EACH OTHER.

MY MOM HAS BEEN A WIDOW FOR 21YEARS PLUS, RAISED 7 CHILDREN ALONE. SHE HAS A VERY SPECIAL PLACE IN MY LIFE.

WIFY IS MY BETTER HALF, HAS A VERY SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART.

BOTH ARE IMPORTANT TO ME. ONE CANT CLAIM SOLE ONWERSHIP OF ME.

PUT EACH OF THEM IN THIER PLACE. FOR YOUR OWN SANITY N PEACE OF MIND!

Lucid1:
Some mothers don't know where to draw the line, it's rather unfortunate that it has come to this.

I feel for you bro, you don't want to hurt your mom's feelings by putting her in her place but you gotta find a way to do it. Let her allow your wife to run her home, too much interference is the major issue here.

But truly who owns the man, his wife or mother?

Kingpee2:
Thanks ,I just followed you on Twitter,my handle is @Folamidolapo,kindly follow back if you don’t mind ...

I’ve done that already

Oga, DT is d nature of d average woman for u.
Women, whether mother/mother in law/wife usually want to gave their space. Its a common trait in most of them.

If you dig back in time, there's DT probability that ur mum had skirmishes with her mother in law (ie ur paternal granny) and ur wife's mum also had issues with her own mother in-law, and ur wife will most definitely have issues with ur sons wife and d cycle continues.

This is d reason most ladies pray their potential mothers in law dies b4 they walk down d aisle with their fiancés.

Forget about therapy. Leopards won't change their spots. Both ur mom and wife are "difficult"........ damaged goods. They both have fixed mindsets which no human therapist can mend.

All u need is patience and wisdom.

davefieldpop:
My wife and mom can also not stand each other, I studied both of them and I realized they are cut out of the same coat.
It gives me great heartache seeing them like this. they put me in the middle. My wife will call me 'Mommy's boy', my mum likewise says I'm under my wife's thumb.
Women are impossible!

Lolz, be comforted for millions worldwide are also in ur shoes. Is it not women?
Taa!

This is what I would do....you have been too diplomatic and this kind of situation requires drastic, unexpected moves that will surprise and shock both of them to their senses. I would never choose one over the other and since they are both forcing me to choose sides, I will walk away. Yes...no time. Take my son and disappear...i will tell my mither I am no longer her son and my wife thwt I am no longer her husband if they cwnt patch things up. if they have an iota of chance to reach me my instruction to both of them will be to reconcile or let me be so I wont die young.....I am not going to be useful to either of them dead so they might as well leave me alone until they both come to their senses.

Lucid1:


But truly who owns the man, his wife or mother?

Absolutely the wife.

Osgilliat:
Your wife is at fault here in my own opinion. She is not taking your mother as her own mother. The only way there will be peace between them is your wife to tolerate your mother and willingly take your mother as her mother.

you've said it all.

Xcelinteriors:
Your write up is so long but I read everything

Your wife is the one with problem here. She's a bad woman and tell her her own daughter in law will treat her x100 of how she's treating your mum

For d first time, I see a lady who supports a mother in-law, God bless u for saying d truth, ur house hold shall know peace abundantly.

excessmon:
Please a little advice
If you are getting married as a favorite or only son pls kindly relocate out of the place where ur extended family members reside.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder and breeds respect..... if ur extended family sees ur immediate family members less often there will be awesome respect


Abeg avoid see finish

Truth, but how many are buoyant enough to relocate 'far away' from their fa!ily members?

Idaytesj29:



What's all this jargons now? You are not better than the OP abeg. Close mouth

My opinion not by force to be accepted.


All you young children still sitting at home eating from mummy's pot dont know shit about the outside world.


He should hold his ground but within limits his wife has the right of way. Simple.

My wife and mom can also not stand each other, I studied both of them and I realized they are cut out of the same coat.
It gives me great heartache seeing them like this. they put me in the middle. My wife will call me 'Mommy's boy', my mum likewise says I'm under my wife's thumb.
Women are impossible!

LadySarah:
Your wife is crazy. The tables will be turned in the future very soon.
Does she want your mom dead. Why won't your mom add her own guests? Is it not a Nigerian wedding thingy anymore?

You are speaking long grammar while she disrespect s your mom. FU... CK HER


Your mom on the other hand should ignore her if I was her and stop visiting every damn weekend. At most twice a yr except an event or emergency.

Both of you will beg before you hear from me or see my legs in your house.

Nonsense and it's ingredients!

I thot of Momma ignoring her and her son but I am sure it is going to b very hard 4 her to do so.
Her son would always be her son.

In all honesty, OP's wife is the real problem here resenting her MIL so much. I am sure deep down she wishes mama dead.

Candiesramah:
It's this your wife that will kill you. It's like once some of you men get married, you trade your sense of reasoning along the way. Just imagine the nonsense you defended. What was wrong in your mum requesting an addition in your wedding guest list? Would that your wife have rejected it if it had come from her mother? She should be happy she got a good mother-in-law willing to make things work out, else, she would have been shown what's like to have issues with mothers-in-law. I don't blame her sha, it's you I blame.

God will bless you for this....Was so pissed reading the guys defence.....A woman gives birth and nurtures the child for years then he meets another woman.....The mother is expected to wipe out the memory of her son because another woman is in......wonder how pple reason......a mothers attachment to her child is natural.....all she needs is to be convinced the wife can take care of her son and then watch her transfer the love from her son to his wife.

Firstly, your write up is beautiful.

Like they say "your wife is the only person in the family not related to you by blood"
Yes you need to love and respect your wife and mother. Your wife needs to respect and love your mother like her own mother and your mother needs to love and respect your wife as her own daughter. But then I want to believe that the way you treat your mother says a lot about you. How can your wife say nonsense about your mother to you in the name of excuses and you allow that?

On the other hand see me finish done enter. Your mum should reduce her frequent weekend visits. You both should visit her too and take your son along.
If your wife cannot love people close to your heart than that's a big problem.

As the man of the house it is your responsibility to bring Love and unity in your home, and how you achieve that is totally up to you because you are the middle man between the 2 women in your life.

Well I wish you all the best.

Wife is the problem jhoor! Respect your mother in law because in this case she is kind to you and taking your nonsense. Others would have showed you her son was her son first, before becoming your husband.

How can your wife refuse to be loving and accommodating after the woman has tried to make amends. Abeg jare

From your story, your wife is a CHOLERIC & your mom is a MELANCHOLY.

Mismatched temperaments.

Apply wisdom as the man of the house.

.

Ask your mum to reduce her visits to once every 2 weeks and give your wife space to breathe. For your wife, you are going to have to put your foot down regardless of it being against your nature.

You have to be firm here since you have reasoned with her and it hasn't worked. Firmly tell her that she has to shape up as you won't stand for her disrespect anymore. Your mum has agreed to come only once in 2 weeks and she must try and get along with her. You have to give her an ultimatum and stand by it. Your wife has to try as your mum will always be in your lives.

You have to be firm on both women o. Peacemaker will not work here. Your mum has to give you guys space. Every weekend is way too much. Your wife has to be friends with your mum or was she just pretending so as to get married?

Babyfaceafrica I truly understand ur pains.

Solution: Call a family meeting with both parents, voice it out that ur wife and ur mum have been having issues that u have been unable to resolve,so the house should assist u to resolve it.

Reason for calling the meeting: After the meeting,ur wife will feel ashamed and decide to make some compromise,ur mum too will feel ashamed and decide to make some compromise.

Still after the meeting,there should be a distance between ur mum and ur house. Get it right here!! Ur mum should be visiting once in a while,u can equally be visiting her with ur kids exempting ur wife pending when both of them have gained a mutual understanding.

chidekings:
From your write up,u are tolerating ur wife disrespect to your mother with all this flimsy excuses of yours.

Thank you.....the OP is not ready to call a spade a spade

E685:
My wife and I have been together for 8 years now, married for 5. I am 33 and she is 30. We now have our first child, a son who is just turning 1. He is everything to both of us. Before our son, our relationship was strong, although to be honest I’ve always been frustrated with my wife’s way of handling issues. I’m the kind of person who is very hard to get angry, I hear people out, and I talk out my issues. I listen to all sides and I think logically before emotionally. I seek therapy when I’m stuck. My wife is the opposite. She reacts with emotions first. She is very quick to be offended by anything. She will shut down and refuse to communicate until she has had time to process. I do all of the work resolving issues we have. I sometimes wonder if I ever stop taking the high road and work through our issues, if anything would ever resolve itself. So that being said, conflict management aside, we are happy. We are passionate, have similar interests, and make each other laugh.

Then there’s my mother. Where to begin. My mother, while seen as incredibly loving and generous to many people, is also a person who has been shut out of so many relationships in her life that I really just feel bad. My father and her are divorced. She has a genuine phobia of being left out - of gatherings, of relationships, of family. She is extremely smart and knows how to manipulate people into doing what she wants. She also widely seen as a “difficult” person. She is difficult in that she finds great offense to issues many people would not notice or care about. If she feels wronged, she will overwhelm the person who wronged her with incessant questions trying to make them feel her side until they cave in. In her closest relationships, her absolute need for the show of love and inclusion and validation cause the very people she is trying to reel closer in to push her away, a self fulfilling prophecy. My Mom, while I love her, is her own worst enemy.

Needless to say, these two, my wife and my mother, clash. At first they liked each other. The very first issue involved our wedding planning. My wife had a very clear plan for the guest list, and my mom asked for a number of her friends to be included on the list. My wife did not want that, got immediately upset and the situation blew out of control. My mom called me nonstop asking why my wife could be so cold, unwilling to see her side, or give in even an inch. My wife felt my Mom was making the wedding all about her, and could not believe she was called cold. She was “done”. My mom wasn’t paying for a cent of the wedding either so this was another offense. In the end I brokered a compromise, much to the dismay of both women. Each held the grudge for a long time.

Occasionally my mother would do something that my wife disliked, and my wife would be pissed at me for not standing up for her. Admittedly I had never stood up to my mother, I always took the time to listen to her side and find reason behind her otherwise inflammatory ways. My wife and mother had a falling out right before the wedding, and forced me to choose sides. I struggled as I found both of them to be at fault. I chose my wife and my mother hated it. Ever since, basically anything that my mother says or does, whether good or not, offends my wife. Even the most genuine attempts by my mother to reach out to my wife are smacked down. My wife has never made any effort to release the past resentment. Over the years my mother has attempted to take the high road, only to be barely acknowledged by my wife. I have always pleaded with my wife to at least pretend to like my mother. She did a bad job of pretending because my mother would always call me and ask why my wife appears to never care or never let go of past feelings. So both saw through each other, my mother would continue to act happy and loving, while my wife never would.

Anyway now our son came into the picture. He is amazing and being the first grandchild on both sides, the grandparents want to be around him every chance they can get. My mother visit every weekend. I told my wife we have to let her do this. My wife dreaded this. I told my mother that one of the weekends, we wanted her to visit on a Sunday (staying over till Monday morning) instead of a Saturday because we had plans that Saturday. In actuality the day was a birthday celebration for my father in law, being held at her parents house. She just didn’t want my mother involved in everything so she put her foot down. My mother wouldn’t take no for an answer and pulled it out of me what we were doing that day. Well she took great offense to the fact that she was not automatically invited, and couldn’t believe how cold, unChristian, and I loving my wife and her family were.

This stuff affects me greatly so of course I share with my wife, and she exclaims she is done with my mother. No longer wants to be nice or pretend, she is tired of how much my mother always wants it all to be her way and then throws out insulting and hurtful words about my wife to get her way. I get messages from my moms friends telling me how I need to see things my moms way, they would never exclude their mother this way, and that my wife is causing all of this.

And so here we are. I saw my mother the next day, and my wife removed herself from the situation by staying out for the day. It was incredibly uncomfortable. I told my mother how mad I was at her for always being so difficult and never just letting it go. I told her my real feelings about how I wished she could stop needing such inclusion and love. Her response was that she is justified in wanting to be included in everything, and that my wife has never shown her any love or effort and it was obvious, so what could she possibly do? I told her my wife is willing to work on this, perhaps in professional therapy. But in reality my wife wants no part of that and has no desire to mend anything anymore. I think she resents me for trying to mend things.

So what do I do? I’m frustrated with my mom for being difficult, always needing more and never letting things go, and saying inflammatory things when she doesn’t get her way. But I see that all she’s ever wanted was peace and love, and my wife never gave her that. I’m frustrated with my wife for getting so easily offended at everything my mother says or does, and I wish she could make any effort to see the other side and let go of such a grudge. My mother is definitely strong willed and manipulative but I think there is love there if only we could work through it. My wife is extremely assertive and refuses to let anyone wrong her twice. Both think the other has always been dead wrong, the entirety of the blame, and will never change. My wife is ok never seeing my mother again, yet my mother says she wants to let bygones be bygones and attempt to work through it.

What should I do? Forever stuck in the middle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Sorry for what you are going through but all the fault lies on you.
Sorry to say but you have the worst type of.... anyone could ask for and this can easily cut short a Man's life. You allowed the situation to degenerate to a level that the seed of evil and discord has spread all over their hearts and your home.

First, as a Man you failed in your responsibilities by not being able to control your wife.
Part of the virtue of a wife is the ability to live or cohabit with his husband's relatives which your wife absolutely find irritating.

Your Mum on the other hand is someone you have known for years and all these attributes were things you would have known about while growing up. Working towards ensuring you have mutual respect in between them both

In all these, your Son needs protection because in between these two he would seek care, love and if you allow him grow to see hatred and resentment written over the 2 best women around him... It might affect him!

I have both Mother and Wife, I know each one of them and their attitude. What I have been able to do is plant respect in between both so that none will be able to face off or have an argument degenerate.

I have had situations where wife, mother, relative complained about one another and my ability to correct each one without bringing them together to give their own side of the story has kept the love.

Your wife need to understand that each person has his own weakness but appreciating our strength is what makes us a better person.

Take control of your home and stop allowing each one have a free day at showing hate and resentment

@Op, U seem helpless with ur wife. That's sad. I think u are not assertive as not just a man but the head of ur family.
Look at the bigger picture; This wife can not forgive u if u offend her in the future.
I think u should stand up to the issue, which is ur wife and NEVER ur mom and deal with it.

U may want to remind ur wife that she now have a son, will she be comfortable if her DIL treat her same way in the future

Your wife can eventually bears someone else's surname bur your mother ever remains your mother. Be sensible bro.

excessmon:
Weldone ma
See possible ways of evicting a mother in-law
Now I see y many ladies of this generation will never have a lasting marriage

Thank you oga...thank you

Thank GOD she gave birth to a boy. GOD will give her double portion.
Anything she is doing now, she will get a double portion.

Does your wife treats her mom the way she treats your mom? From your write up the answer is certainly no. My friend stop being so emotional here. Don't make the mistake of standing up to your mom because of a woman who is a stranger. Thank God you two have a son now, after going through all the pains to raise her child, then one woman from know where will come separate her from.her son, in the name of nonsense marriage.
Women are many out there that one can take for a wife, but you can only have one biological mother in a life time. You are suppose to show your mom the love your dad didn't show or not showing her, but you are there romancing issues. Tell you wife to shut the hell up.

E685:
My wife and I have been together for 8 years now, married for 5. I am 33 and she is 30. We now have our first child, a son who is just turning 1. He is everything to both of us. Before our son, our relationship was strong, although to be honest I’ve always been frustrated with my wife’s way of handling issues. I’m the kind of person who is very hard to get angry, I hear people out, and I talk out my issues. I listen to all sides and I think logically before emotionally. I seek therapy when I’m stuck. My wife is the opposite. She reacts with emotions first. She is very quick to be offended by anything. She will shut down and refuse to communicate until she has had time to process. I do all of the work resolving issues we have. I sometimes wonder if I ever stop taking the high road and work through our issues, if anything would ever resolve itself. So that being said, conflict management aside, we are happy. We are passionate, have similar interests, and make each other laugh.

Then there’s my mother. Where to begin. My mother, while seen as incredibly loving and generous to many people, is also a person who has been shut out of so many relationships in her life that I really just feel bad. My father and her are divorced. She has a genuine phobia of being left out - of gatherings, of relationships, of family. She is extremely smart and knows how to manipulate people into doing what she wants. She also widely seen as a “difficult” person. She is difficult in that she finds great offense to issues many people would not notice or care about. If she feels wronged, she will overwhelm the person who wronged her with incessant questions trying to make them feel her side until they cave in. In her closest relationships, her absolute need for the show of love and inclusion and validation cause the very people she is trying to reel closer in to push her away, a self fulfilling prophecy. My Mom, while I love her, is her own worst enemy.

Needless to say, these two, my wife and my mother, clash. At first they liked each other. The very first issue involved our wedding planning. My wife had a very clear plan for the guest list, and my mom asked for a number of her friends to be included on the list. My wife did not want that, got immediately upset and the situation blew out of control. My mom called me nonstop asking why my wife could be so cold, unwilling to see her side, or give in even an inch. My wife felt my Mom was making the wedding all about her, and could not believe she was called cold. She was “done”. My mom wasn’t paying for a cent of the wedding either so this was another offense. In the end I brokered a compromise, much to the dismay of both women. Each held the grudge for a long time.

Occasionally my mother would do something that my wife disliked, and my wife would be pissed at me for not standing up for her. Admittedly I had never stood up to my mother, I always took the time to listen to her side and find reason behind her otherwise inflammatory ways. My wife and mother had a falling out right before the wedding, and forced me to choose sides. I struggled as I found both of them to be at fault. I chose my wife and my mother hated it. Ever since, basically anything that my mother says or does, whether good or not, offends my wife. Even the most genuine attempts by my mother to reach out to my wife are smacked down. My wife has never made any effort to release the past resentment. Over the years my mother has attempted to take the high road, only to be barely acknowledged by my wife. I have always pleaded with my wife to at least pretend to like my mother. She did a bad job of pretending because my mother would always call me and ask why my wife appears to never care or never let go of past feelings. So both saw through each other, my mother would continue to act happy and loving, while my wife never would.

Anyway now our son came into the picture. He is amazing and being the first grandchild on both sides, the grandparents want to be around him every chance they can get. My mother visit every weekend. I told my wife we have to let her do this. My wife dreaded this. I told my mother that one of the weekends, we wanted her to visit on a Sunday (staying over till Monday morning) instead of a Saturday because we had plans that Saturday. In actuality the day was a birthday celebration for my father in law, being held at her parents house. She just didn’t want my mother involved in everything so she put her foot down. My mother wouldn’t take no for an answer and pulled it out of me what we were doing that day. Well she took great offense to the fact that she was not automatically invited, and couldn’t believe how cold, unChristian, and I loving my wife and her family were.

This stuff affects me greatly so of course I share with my wife, and she exclaims she is done with my mother. No longer wants to be nice or pretend, she is tired of how much my mother always wants it all to be her way and then throws out insulting and hurtful words about my wife to get her way. I get messages from my moms friends telling me how I need to see things my moms way, they would never exclude their mother this way, and that my wife is causing all of this.

And so here we are. I saw my mother the next day, and my wife removed herself from the situation by staying out for the day. It was incredibly uncomfortable. I told my mother how mad I was at her for always being so difficult and never just letting it go. I told her my real feelings about how I wished she could stop needing such inclusion and love. Her response was that she is justified in wanting to be included in everything, and that my wife has never shown her any love or effort and it was obvious, so what could she possibly do? I told her my wife is willing to work on this, perhaps in professional therapy. But in reality my wife wants no part of that and has no desire to mend anything anymore. I think she resents me for trying to mend things.

So what do I do? I’m frustrated with my mom for being difficult, always needing more and never letting things go, and saying inflammatory things when she doesn’t get her way. But I see that all she’s ever wanted was peace and love, and my wife never gave her that. I’m frustrated with my wife for getting so easily offended at everything my mother says or does, and I wish she could make any effort to see the other side and let go of such a grudge. My mother is definitely strong willed and manipulative but I think there is love there if only we could work through it. My wife is extremely assertive and refuses to let anyone wrong her twice. Both think the other has always been dead wrong, the entirety of the blame, and will never change. My wife is ok never seeing my mother again, yet my mother says she wants to let bygones be bygones and attempt to work through it.

What should I do? Forever stuck in the middle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Pls kindly ignore both of them. Find a way to politely not get your mom too involved in your family affairs. If your wife wants to stay married to you, she needs to at least "pretend" to like your mother. Get hold of your wife! Mum has issues, ok! But your wife compounds the whole issue.

Oga, you are the problem here. You're too soft and seem to be easily controlled by your wife. In all these you've put up there, I can't see where your mum was wrong. Yes, she might want to always be around you and her grandchild but that's typical of a lonely woman.

Sir, if you continue this way, I think your wife will cause a big rift between you and your family and that would totally be your fault.

Man up, defend your mum, tell your wife she should let bygone be bygone. I mean, why would she resent your mum just because of wedding guests inclusion, it's even more annoying that she's kept this resentment for about 8years now. OMG.

God bless your mum, she's a very good woman, may she live long. Talk to your wife, be very strong, make a great statement at home and let her see a different side of you, the no nonsense side.

Finally, no matter what you do, never ever be manipulated by both women. They must fear and respect you

Shalom

[quote author=atctech post=85898032]This is a very sensitive issue, you need to Man up, and also be prayerful.....if care is not taken you are threading the way to divorce.
I am a Pastor, I'm married too, I have a mother,
so I have the moral standard to advise you.
The role of your wife in your marriage is different from the the role of your mother. the Bible says the man shall leave his father and his mother and shall cleave to his wife and they shall become one. The problem is, you haven't leave your mother.
things like this happens when parents are still contributing to marriage, like money, foods, business or housing.
sorry to say this, if your mum is that right and knows the form a marriage should take "she would still be with your father she wouldn't have divorced your father or vice versa" that is a signal that something is wrong. let her use her ways on her marriage and not your marriage.
The wife owns the home not parents, until you get it wright with your wife the unexpected may happen. things has changed bro, before I got married I have a picture of what my marriage would be so I worked it out.
gone are those days when things like this happens. can I chock you? as much as I love my mother when she visits and trying to talk and train my children in a way that is arcake(old fashion) jokingly I would correct her.
my mum is a great woman, very loving and caring but I don't reveal secret about my wife to her because one day she may use it against her and vise versa, as much as my wife loves her and always want her to visit but my mum doesn't come always.
finally, stand your ground and also correct your wife. you are in charge, the more you put out your marriage to family debate the more trouble you get.[/quote]

U r wise for the bolded