we are married for a while and we live ina three room apartment. now i want to move into one of the empty rooms and designate it as my own room. she will none of that unfortunately. a crisis is brewing on account of this.
what should i do?

why will you want to do that in the first place? I dont think it is a good idea. sharing the same bed makes a couple to be intimate.

are u begining to get tired or feel uncomfortable by her presence?

knotty:

we are married for a while and we live ina three room apartment. now i want to move into one of the empty rooms and designate it as my own room. she will none of that unfortunately. a crisis is brewing on account of this.
what should i do?

does your wifey snore?

mazaje:

are u begining to get tired or feel uncomfortable by her presence?

if thats the case then they might end up divorcing

@ topic
my hubby better not tell me that he doesnt want to sleep in the same bed as me

anyways turn one room into ur office and the other room can be ur closet ,
but when its time to sleep u better be right by her side

@ knotty

the truth is that i don't fancy the idea of couples sleeping in seperate beds, seperate rooms?? thats not even imagineable (to me oo), but i know there are some couple couples who have it as their way of life and have been working out just fine

but the difference between you and those peeps, is that they agreed jointly to it, have lived like that forever. When you just wake up one morning and just decide that your sharing a room isnt cuting the cake for you anymore, its questionable and not so pleasing to the ear

Something must have led to your sudden change of mind, and i think resolving it would be a better option, Cos running away from it all in the name of "sleeping in seperate rooms", wouldn't solve a thing, might make it worse
And if its a habit she developed or something about her that turns you off after she's slept, then work towards banning the habit (for better, for worse remember)

I've seen couples that do it, with the rutine of one, tip-toeing (if they have kids ) to the other's room on the night of sex, And i've always asked myself: was that why they got married??
Where's the feeling you get from rolling over, and being in your spouse's arms??, cuddling uncalled for??, having intimacy come naturally??, feeling their presence around you?? stealing a kiss or two in the middle of the night?? waking up together and smiling at each other?? the feeling of togethernes, oneness and unity?? that dream you've heard, and waiting to be married and share it with the "one and only"??


Well its not in my place to judge them, its their cross . . but in your case, she didnt choose it, and if i were in her shoes i'll be devastated, but don't sleep with her just to please her or because Nairaland users say so, that'll only create hatred towards her in your mind. Resolve things and do it (sharing her bed) because there's no other place you'd rather be than beside her, EVERY NIGHT, FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIVES (TO LOVE AND TO HOLD) Good luck pal

Why do you want your own room and bed? Have you got something you would want to hide? Like a fetish pot or ,
I live in a 3-bedroom apartment. My wife has her own room but we sleep on the same bed every night, though the other room contains her personal effects. She has never slept on the bed in her room and I can't imagine me sleeping alone when she's in the same house with me!

so weird, why would you want to have your separate room, whats the essence of saying your married?

at least she remains under my roof and i under the same roof too.

the idea of having sepapate rooms might seem preposterous to some of you but in reality it just great for me.
she riled against the idea initially Citing other people`s home. that more than anything invigorated my desire for a room of my own. i shall not lead my life and my home based on other people`s standard.

i read at odd hours meaning i have to put on the light which she does not like.

i listen to BBC, VOA at really odd hours which means i have to put on the transistor radio at ungodly hours, this she finds repulsive.

when NEPA is on, i watch cable TV all through the night, this disTurds her sleep.

when i get home a litle on the high side, i snore deeply in bed, she complains about that too.

what the heck, to let peace reign, i got myself a room.

besides all these, i am dirty, carefree and flippant. she wants a prim and spice room. i cannot change myself now. it is too late in the day.

WHY YOU WANNA CHANGE ME, THINK OF THE THINGS THAT REALLY MADE ME, THE WAY THAT I AM USED TO YOU HAPPY, WHY YOU WANNA CHANGE ME?

In the days arguments, you will find peace in your room. that is better than sleeping out in the embrace of another female comforter outside.

marriage should not be used as a prison. a man need his freedom at all times. A MAN SHOULD LET THE WOMAN KNOW THAT HE HAVE THE UPPER HAND AT ALL TIMES EVEN WHEN THE HAND IS HANGING LOW AT UR SIDE. boy you have make a decission let it stick.

Its good you are wise enough not to seek comfort from a strange woman. Madam may have made a mistake comparing homes but is that enough for you to insist during what will make her unhappy? pls leave this ego thing and build a home of love not hatred. From ur last post,you have habits she doesnt like and you are not willing to make liitle adjustments for the one you said i do to? its seems to me,your love for her is gone too cold. Wake up bros - Dont drive YOUR WIFE crazy.

OL BOY, U MUST BE A MAN, WOMEN WILL TRY YOU IN MANY WAYS. U MUST BE A MAN. LET UR DECISSION STAND

knotty:

i shall not lead my life and my home based on other people`s standard.

What a contradicting post?? such ignorance cooks me up

You wouldn't lead or live by other people's standards?? yet this was your starting question

knotty:

what should i do?

So whose standards where you expecting us to dish out if not ours??

Honestly you shouldn't have come al the way to nairaland, yea you could have just taken a room, afterall we're not planning to move in with you, are we??

All the things you listed though, are things both parties could have compromised to and meet each other half way . . thats what marriage is all about - - - and from your post, i can read anger and rage running all over it, not nice

I do think a heart to heart chat would help both of you,

knotty:

at least she remains under my roof and i under the same roof too.

. . and you believe you're doing her a favour because " hey, you still share the same roof". Was that what you had in mind before you stepped into the marriage??

i read at odd hours meaning i have to put on the light which she does not like.

you should share the days of you reading with lights on,

i listen to BBC, VOA at really odd hours which means i have to put on the transistor radio at ungodly hours, this she finds repulsive.

So you sit there to tell me it wouldn't have been a problem if the tables were turned?? being single is a whole lot different from being married. In marraige you have challenges between likes and dislikes, you have to drop some habits and maybe along the line pick some, but you definitely should not turn your back to the principle of marriage becasue every detail isn't done to your satisfaction. Its just not fair!!

when NEPA is on, i watch cable TV all through the night, this disTurds her sleep.

you could watch tele in the parlour

when i get home a litle on the high side, i snore deeply in bed, she complains about that too

she should get used to your snoring (you wouldn't be the first, and other couples have coped one way or the other),

what the heck, to let peace reign, i got myself a room.

clap for yourself, job well done

knotty:

besides all these, i am dirty, carefree and flippant. she wants a prim and spice room. i cannot change myself now. it is too late in the day.

would you want your son to pick up the habit of being carefree, dirty and all that?? you don't have to be perfect but you could at least help make your home a better place

WHY YOU WANNA CHANGE ME, THINK OF THE THINGS THAT REALLY MADE ME, THE WAY THAT I AM USED TO YOU HAPPY, WHY YOU WANNA CHANGE ME?

I'm sure she doesn't want to change you, i like the word "mould" better. Its a growth in relationship. I'm sure you would want her to do the same if you found something about her repulsive?

In the days arguments, you will find peace in your room. that is better than sleeping out in the embrace of another female comforter outside.

Then let it be attributed to the "days of arguements", not everyday . . or you argue every night?? I don't think so!!

knotty:

at least she remains under my roof and i under the same roof too.

the idea of having separate rooms might seem preposterous to some of you but in reality it just great for me.
she riled against the idea initially Citing other people`s home. that more than anything invigorated my desire for a room of my own. i shall not lead my life and my home based on other people`s standard.

i read at odd hours meaning i have to put on the light which she does not like.

i listen to BBC, VOA at really odd hours which means i have to put on the transistor radio at ungodly hours, this she finds repulsive.

when NEPA is on, i watch cable TV all through the night, this disTurds her sleep.

when i get home a little on the high side, i snore deeply in bed, she complains about that too.

what the heck, to let peace reign, i got myself a room.

besides all these, i am dirty, carefree and flippant. she wants a prim and spice room. i cannot change myself now. it is too late in the day.

WHY YOU WANNA CHANGE ME, THINK OF THE THINGS THAT REALLY MADE ME, THE WAY THAT I AM USED TO YOU HAPPY, WHY YOU WANNA CHANGE ME?

In the days arguments, you will find peace in your room. that is better than sleeping out in the embrace of another female comforter outside.

Well, there is no problem in you having your own room but only if she understands and agrees.

Based on what you listed, it seems you are nocturnal creature and this does irritate her.

You need to sit her down and communicate your feelings to her. That you having your own room doesn't mean you love her less or are cheating on her.

She just may be insecure and feels rejected, that you don't want her like you used to. Try to alleviate her fears. Why dont you have a trial first and she how you both cope?

Do you have any children? that may be an issue.

Good luck

CUTE ASS,
ARE YOU MARRIED? IF YES THEN UR HUSBAND IS IN BIG SHIT. IF NOT BABY GIRL YOU NEED TO WORK HARD ON THE WAY YOU THINK MEN ARE.

osereka:

CUTE ASS,
ARE YOU MARRIED? IF YES THEN UR HUSBAND IS IN BIG SHIT. IF NOT BABY GIRL YOU NEED TO WORK HARD ON THE WAY YOU THINK MEN ARE.

Can you tell us the way men are or think?

a man is that man that makes her woman undestands that he have the upper hand, even when it is hanging by his sides.

osereka:

a man is that man that makes her woman undestands that he have the upper hand, even when it is hanging by his sides.

I thought marriage was about bringing the other party to your level rather like friends and not another teacher-student/master-slave relationship?

YEA MARRIAGE IS ABOUT ALL THAT AND MORE. SOMEBODY MUST STILL BE THE OGA

osereka:

YEA MARRIAGE IS ABOUT ALL THAT AND MORE. SOMEBODY MUST STILL BE THE OGA

You must be a control freak.

Are you the type of person who doesn't feel complete if you don't have the last words?

Women are delicate and trying to be the lord and master all the time doesn't always help. 

Nobody is dragging 'ogaship' with anybody oh.

just do like an oga, then u wont have to remind anybody that u are

Imani:

I thought marriage was about bringing the other party to your level rather like friends and not another teacher-student/master-slave relationship?

My sister help me ask the "marriage consellor" . .  nonsense.

osereka:

CUTE ASS,
ARE YOU MARRIED? IF YES THEN UR HUSBAND IS IN BIG SHIT. IF NOT BABY GIRL YOU NEED TO WORK HARD ON THE WAY YOU THINK MEN ARE.

On the contrary my husband will be just fine because we'll stop at nothing to make it work, even if it means going against our desires once in a while. We will compromise and we will eventually reach a solution, we would not resort to taking the fastest lane, just to cover it up, neither will we give each other an ultimatum. I'll let my husband mould me (not change me, they're two different things), but i know God will also give me a husband that will let me mould him too, we'll  understand each other, we wont mind sitting down, throwig pride to the fishes and having a heart to heart felt conversation,  WE WILL BE HAPPY, trust me. To cut a long story short, if you're anything like what you portray on nairaland, my husband will be nothing like you.

What does being a "boss" achieve?? happy home?? Think again pal, its your kind that think women are slaves . . rubbish!!

@ cute-ass  are you married.
See what you are demanding. The man wants his room  let him get his room for hells sake.
Its not by force that you sleep with a woman.
If at all he can meet her half way and spend 3 day in his room the rest with her.
A Man has a lot on his mind and he needs time to come down.
Just maybe the waif is a nagger and he cannot stand it any more

IDITODA,
              I PRAY U HAVE THE TYPE OF MAN U DESIRE, BUT REMEMBER IT IS ALWAYS GOOD IF UR HUSBAND IS THE PILOT AND U ARE THE CO-PILOT AND NOT  THE OTHER WAY ROUND

Everybody needs some space and time alone. there is nothing wrong with a couple sleeping in seperate rooms or beds. You can always get together for bed fun. But some people can not sleep together (fidgiting, snoring, stealing the quilt etc)

It does not mean that you dont love each other  

mamaput,
thank God u are a woman and from the look of things a married woman, if not I wan MARRY YOU

@ all

If you guys read my firstest (dictionary please) post, I did mention that i've seen lots of couples do it and are happy with it

All i'm saying is that it shouldn't be done in anger, it leaves things unexpressed and unsaid, if he has to do it, FINE, what do i care? But they should be in agreement . . you guys should put the wife's feelings too into consideration, not just your fellow Nairalander's biko.

He sounds mad. thats not how to work out things, one or both party always ends up hurt, which is what i want them to pevent.

I have an aunt that hae the "seperate bedroom" doctrine in her home, and they're doing just fine, have adorable kids and a lovely home . . but it takes two to tango. Don't make oe party feel bad in the process, make it a joint point of view and decision . . the way he said it "afterall we share the same roof", is that what marriage is all about?? sharing the same roof?? Plaese catch the goat by the throat!!

modification: @ mamaput

I guess you also agree to the guy being the "oga" . .well good for you.
I demended some from the woman too, thats what its all about "half way meeting" and "compromisis"

What happens when they start having different views on what the house should look like, or what should be prepared in the kitchen?? Before you know it, a lawyer is drawing up a "divorce agreement"

now you are talking

cute-ass

No i do not believe the man is trhe oga .
But if this was the other way round people will be calling the man a beast.
I was married for 10 years and somewere along the line every one needs breathing space.
Today i come up for my kids alone i have a lot on my mind.
When i want to chill (come down) i put on the radio in the kitchen and sit on the flool with the lights off.
Anyone comming in goes out at once because they know i want to be on my own.
For and other man it maybe his own room ,TV in the middle of the night what ever.

I solicited for an answer and not for insult!
since you have come down to this level, I do not know if I should drag you down into some tutelage on decency or not. maybe not because you are still single and your head is only clouded with scanty picture of the real world.
marriage if you must know is not about POTTERY where you mould people into what they are not. whatever characteristics we have as individuals follows us into our homes. I am taciturn by nature, I cannot suddenly become extroverted because it suits my spouses` whim to have chatterbox around her.

marriage does not change anybody.

I am maintaining my separate room with the knowledge that many people consider it an aberration, just like my wife. but that does not give FINE BAKASSI any leverage to harangue me with her foul mouth, or is it finger this time? shi oooooo. dadandidi

I know the value of silence and of quietude, marriage is not going to take that away from me.

@ knotty

I'm delighted to know that's how you feel, like i always say, at the end of the day, you're the master of your mind.

Just for the records though, if i was out to insult you, I wouldn't have been pouring my sincere contributes to keeping your home a good one. My suggestions are all in the name of you and your wife having a happy home,

But then we all have different opinions, i didn't see reasons with others, at least only to an extent, and that makes me "the single girl with foul mouth fingers" lol . . latterlig!

Lets just say i overstayed my welcome, you'll not see me on your thread again, thats as sure as a sealed deal.
Good luck in your marriage, i wish all marriages a "happily ever after ending", am i naive?? I don't think so!!

@ knotty, i don't see anything wrong about what cute-ass said, probably you don't like how it came but the truth is that this is marriage- you guys are soulmates and not roommates, there's got to be a compromise! It all boils down to having a talk! Communication seems to be lacking, permit me to say this. Have you tried to make her understand your stance, what it is you like and dislike? Help her understand, and i tell you, she'll gladly let you guys go into seperate rooms. Saying that after all you guys are under the same roof sounds like you're doing her a favour by accommodating her- which by no means defines marriage.