Nollywood is a multi-million dollar industry.Whatever reservations one may have about its inputs,Quality it seems is in the eyes of the behlder.It is the third largest film industry in the world after hollywood and bollywood.which for its age,is no mean achievement.This unstoppable growth means steep competition for those who desperately want to be part of nollywood success story.Budding producers,directors,actors,actresses and fans,roll up your sleeves and lets make our own movie . . . . .

1 Select your actors.

Do this even before writing the script or determining the plot.The golden rule of nollywood is :the more popular actors you can include,the higher your sales wud be.Your beevy of famous actors don't all need to be cast in major roles.Most of them only need to show their faces for five seconds throughout the whole movie.You could have them walk past the supermarket or act as newspaper vendor from who the films hero can buy a paper.


2 Choose a title

Your debut film should leave no doubts about the film content.Nollywood audience don't like titles that have nothing to do with the plot.Examples of great titles include:
Mad Man
Stupid Husband
The love of Money
Broken Pot.

3[b] Design your movie Poster[/b]

You must cram in to the poster,the faces of all fifteen popular actors whom you succeeded in convincing to make appearances in the movie.The pictures on the poster can show faces of actors doing things they didn't do in the movie eg Desmond Elliot holding a machine gun and sweating despite the fact that he played a three minute role as a medical doctor.You are also allowed to include one or two actors who actually did not appear in the movie.No one wud know until after they have seen the movie and by then it will be too late.

4 Drag your actors on to location

Acting must start immediately.They will usually require no scripts or directing.Everyone will gravitate towards their instinctive roles and before long,your movie will plan out itself beautifully.Confused?,let me explain . .Someone like Jim Iyke will always be a fine boy,bad boy,Pete Edochie a billionaire red-capped chief,aki and pawpaw street urchins living from prank to prank while Patience Uzokwo is the wicked evil mother-in-law.

5 Add extra drama

Once acting has started,it is crucial to determine how many "slaps and slumpings" will feature in the movie.The more the slaps,faintings and slumpings,the merrier.Nollywood without slaps is like bollywood without dance moves.Jealous and angry lovers must always slap their rivals or partners.Someone must always clutch his or her heart and slump in slow motion.

6 Introduce a stethescope

Your set is incomplete without a stethescope !.Ask one of your lesser-know actors to play the role of a doctor.No movie can be qualified to bear the nollywood tag if there is nobody holding a stethescope,shaking his head and saying "Im sorry,we lost him/her . . ." and don't forget the nurse whose only role and line is "doctor,doctor,please come!doctor,doctor . . . ."

7 Stage a Death

A major decision involves deciding which of your heroes or heroines will have to die-usually an unjust death.You will have to choose a means of death,one or a combination of the following:
Gun-totting
Assassins
Food poisoning
Heart attack
Voodoo
At this stage,you have almost succeeded in achieving the Nollywood hall of fame.Relax,don't start rejoicing yet.There is still a little to be done before you can sit back and start counting your millions.What you have now is the skeleton of the movie,the backbone,which you will need to flesh out.This is very easy.

8[b] Add Filler scenes[/b]

Simply shoot scene-upon-scene of people chatting and laughing freestyle,driving around town in search of God-knows-what,fiddling with files in tastefully furnished offices and talking "billions" on phone,dining at a fast food joint,shopping at upscale boutiques,getting jobs in restaurants,stealing from a briefcase containing wads of naira notes or simply traveling to America.
Emphasize the passage of time eg 6 months later,6 years later and so on.

9 Check the length of the film

It should be atleast four hours.If not,shoot more and longer scenes involving the actions mentioned in step 8.Once this is accomplished,chop up the video into 2 hour portions.Name them part 1,2 and 3.

10 Schedule Assesment

If you have spent more than 1 week shooting this movie then you are a failure and not cut for Nollywood.You must be able to finish a movie in one week so as to be able to roll out atleast 3 movies in a month.If you cant meet up to this,discard the movie and go find work carrying cement on a construction site,you are not destined for nollywood.

Congratulations     

Welcome to the prestigious inner circle of nollywood.All that is left to do is to shoot the TV advert for your epic production.This is the easiest part of your work and the most enjoyable.Simply splice shots of the most action-ridden scenes in the movie eg the slaps,slumpings.You may even include scenes from hollywood blockbusters like Terminator 3.Don't forget to include breathless voice-over reeling out all the following words:explosive,scintillating,tragic,comic,action-packed,life-changing,grab your copy now now now!.You are allowed only [b]one [/b]sentence for all these adjectives.

Last but not the least,you must give God the glory.You fail to do this at your own peril.Nollywood audiences despise ungrateful movie-makers and never watch movies produced by atheists.As a filmmaker,you must acknowledge that you are nothing but " abic biro in the hands of the Almighty creator"

Piece written by Tolu Ogunlesi.

Wow Good , i think nollywood needs people like you