We look up to parents as hero. At times,they fail to show us the love we deserve. Other times, they hurt us.
As kids, we were scared of telling them how they made us feel. They might get angry an inflict more harm on us so we sweep it under the carpet.
But these feeling do not go away like that. It remains somewhere inour subconscious mind. If we examine ourself closely, we transfer this suppressed emotion to our partner and kids.. we transfer the hurt to our loved ones. We repeat the their mistake.


The purpose of telling our parent is not to retaliate or pinnish them.
We are only telling the truth
We avoid repeating the cycle

I confronted my dad.
He apologised for his wrong doings and we moved on. I love him even if he did not apologise. He raised me miraculously. It was when I became a man that I found out that my father was poor and did his best to raise me withing his worth.

It was my aunt that I confronted had no issues with my parents... Funny enough she can never change I just wasted my confrontation on her, ever insultive and mean but deep down very good at heart


.

Confront Wetin ?

Me sef know say as a kid my ear wasn’t really working.

I no hear Word!

when necessary i gat to let mama know since na only she wey me get.

apasino01:
Confront Wetin ?

Me sef know say as a kid my ear wasn’t really working.

I no hear Word!

Hahahaha!

So did you confront your ears?

YOU SHOULD COMPARE WHAT THEY WENT THROUGH IN YOUR UPBRINGING AND THE SO CALLED HURT AND BALANCE THE EQUATION.

We all laugh over it together when memories bring up such.

Twas my grandma I never had a chance to confront before her death....(God bless her soul ).....the memories still hurt me till tomorrow each time I remember....I love her nonetheless

R.I.P Maami

It is not a bad idea to confront one's parents if there are resentments. Some parents have some their children wrong in many ways and for some, it is just lack of communication.

apasino01:
Confront Wetin ?

Me sef know say as a kid my ear wasn’t really working.

I no hear Word!

peacenow:
I confronted my dad.
He apologised for his wrong doings and we moved on. I love him even if he did not apologise. He raised me miraculously. It was when I became a man that I found out that my father was poor and did his best to raise me withing his worth.

Parenting is not taught. Most parent did what their parents did to them. Inquiring about your parent upbringing gives you an idea of what they went through. Parents who grow up fearing their dad end up raising children who fear them. When you hear their tales,you feel sorry for them and forgive them more

techmo:





It was my aunt that I confronted had no issues with my parents... Funny enough she can never change I just wasted my confrontation on her, ever insultive and mean but deep down very good at heart


.

it is not wastage. Now you do not hold any grudge against her. You have emptied your feeling. That is the good news

apasino01:
Confront Wetin ?

Me sef know say as a kid my ear wasn’t really working.

I no hear Word!

hope you don calm down else your children will confront you

My both parents died before I could even discover myself enough to start recounting what they did and didn't do to me. I wish they were here now, all that wouldn't matter because no matter what, they are still my parents and did what they did to better my life.

Looking back now though, I don't see any need to do that because... That one don pass. I don't keep record of wrongs and I want it to stay that way.

techmo:





It was my aunt that I confronted had no issues with my parents... Funny enough she can never change I just wasted my confrontation on her, ever insultive and mean but deep down very good at heart


.

. I can relate with you ooo... It seems you are trying to describe my Mum's attitude towards people... But t affects me more cos am an introvert , that never gives her reply whenever she z busy shouting n disgracing me....Recently,she comes to my home shouting n reigning abusive words at me....then I opened up to her n told her I don't lyk wat she z doing... D reply she gave me was that she will beat d hell out of me n I told her to go ahead n do that. The funny thing z she z very aggressive with words n i av been trying to cope with that right from childhood days but now am an adult for goodness sake ...but I don't know wat to do since am an extreme introvert... She makes me cry daily whenever I think of her....T z cos of her I do wish n hope I can make friends just to av someone I can relate with apart from my husband.

So it’s actually shocking and funny when people act like you commit heresy by saying African parents are toxic and/or abusive. This is not me pointing an accusing finger at your family (although if you feel attacked, check your family) and it is by no means a generalization. I think it’s interesting how people I’ve interacted with that have abusive parents never agree that their parents are abusive but are sometimes the same ones that say the minute they move out of their parents’ house, they’re done with their parents.

I believe and always say that the first step to progress is acceptance, you’ve got to accept your reality as it is, no painting and colouring. How do you explain parents cutting their children with broken plates because they broke a plate? Or how do you explain a parent constantly using whips and belt heads to flog their children? Or you think that’s too extreme? What about the parents whose teaching/correction/love language is cane? Or slaps? Are you raising goats?

And then beyond the physical abuse that abounds and is now the norm in our homes, let’s talk about the verbal abuse. When people recount what their parents tell them sometimes, I’m honestly in shock. The last one I heard, I had to say she wasn’t the man’s child, because I can’t imagine a parent say these horrible words to their children. But apparently, it is a thing! Like Sefi Atta said in Everything Good Will Come, by the time these kids are grown, they’d have beat out every creativity in the child and shouted out every initiative from the child.

Somehow though, we’ve grown to see these things as “normal” and even pride in them to the point of anticipating giving your child such dreadful childhood, and I think this is what I’m most concerned about. The argument is constantly that “we turned out fine because of this training”, nahh boo! Permit me to shock you, you didn’t! You turned out fine, in spite. In fact, how do you know you’re fine even? Because you’re wearing top and trouser? A lot of us have vary levels of psychological and emotional issues as a result of “this training”.


I feel like we need to get to the point where we realize and admit our parents are not perfect and so are bound to make mistakes. They probably did their best based on the amount of exposure and understanding they had but we can definitely do better. Being toxic is not and should not be a sign of “Africanness” – this is a narrative that needs to be changed tbh (one day we’d talk about the shitty narratives we were handed, one day but not today).

Aswana

https://tobechispeaks./2020/11/20/most-african-parents-are-toxic/

jellybabee:
. I can relate with you ooo... It seems you are trying to describe my Mum's attitude towards people... But t affects me more cos am an introvert , that never gives her reply whenever she z busy shouting n disgracing me....Recently,she comes to my home shouting n reigning abusive words at me....then I opened up to her n told her I don't lyk wat she z doing... D reply she gave me was that she will beat d hell out of me n I told her to go ahead n do that. The funny thing z she z very aggressive with words n i av been trying to cope with that right from childhood days but now am an adult for goodness sake ...but I don't know wat to do since am an extreme introvert... She makes me cry daily whenever I think of her....T z cos of her I do wish n hope I can make friends just to av someone I can relate with apart from my husband.

Since she is violent, Non physical confrontation is ideal. I suggest you write a letter to her. The good thing about letter is that she will not interrupt you. writing gives you opportunity to organize your words .you may write,edit and correct them over a long time. Your letter should include

1) what she has done to you: e g when I was young ,you called me this cruel word..

2) how you felt about it ,e g I felt worthless. Like I would never amount to anything in life

3) how it affected your life e g . I never volunteered for any activity among my peers. It made me shy I was denied promotion twice because of this

4) what you want from her : e g I need you to acknowledge the harm you caused me. I need you to stop insulting me publicly as that reignite previous wounds. I want to re-establish a cordial relationship with you but I need to do that without fear of you hurting me.

You get the drift. Let her understand you are trying to establish a stained relationship. You still love her regardless of what she has done in the past and you have forgiven her but you need this before you may communicate freely with her.

tobechi74:

Since she is violent, Non physical confrontation is ideal. I suggest you write a letter to her. The good thing about letter is that she will not interrupt you. writing gives you opportunity to organize your words .you may write,edit and correct them over a long time. Your letter should include

1) what she has done to you: e g when I was young ,you called me this cruel word..

2) how you felt about it ,e g I felt worthless. Like I would never amount to anything in life

3) how it affected your life e g . I never volunteered for any activity among my peers. It made me shy I was denied promotion twice because of this

4) what you want from her : e g I need you to acknowledge the harm you caused me. I need you to stop insulting me publicly as that reignite previous wounds. I want to re-establish a cordial relationship with you but I need to do that without fear of you hurting me.

You get the drift. Let her understand you are trying to establish a stained relationship. You still love her regardless of what she has done in the past and you have forgiven her but you need this before you may communicate freely with her.

hmmm...thanks for the advice/idea . I think I will try it n see what happens next

ABOVEDELAW:
YOU SHOULD COMPARE WHAT THEY WENT THROUGH IN YOUR UPBRINGING AND THE SO CALLED HURT AND BALANCE THE EQUATION.

Imagine your partner cheats on you and tells you to compare all she has been through in life and what she has done for you in life. Does that justify her actions.
Or you tell God you have paid tithe all your life so you deserve heaven despite the fact that you steal . Does that balance the equation?

True, your parents may pass through a worse childhood. They might have had a hard time raising you. They might have hurt you in the process. It is not intentional but sit should be acknowledged they should understand that their action did hurt you. The wonderful things they did to you can not make up for their negative ones. Acknowledge both.

apasino01:
Confront Wetin ?

Me sef know say as a kid my ear wasn’t really working.

I no hear Word!

lol, bad type

Yes I did confront my mum. We lost the last child of the house to sickle cell and my mum kept crying for days, she wouldn't even eat. I told her if I were the one that died, she wouldn't have cried that way, in fact, she would have been happy I was no more because of the way she treated me. I always felt so different growing up among my siblings. I only ended up making her cry more, she apologized and tried to explain to me. I pretended to understand though I didn't but I felt better knowing that she didn't hate me.
10years after that incident now, I have come to realize that she never hated me, I was just passing through the stress and problems of puberty. Parents are really trying, everyday I wake up with the fear of disappointing my son, I work hard just for him. Don't know what I will do if he thinks the same way of me as I thought of my mum

Confronting parents if they led you astray may be good, but confronting parents because of how they hurt you, perhaps to discipline or hurtfully enthrone you on the part of greatness is foolishness.

Many people mistaken discipline during upbringing as wicked on the part of parents.

Fussion1000:
Confronting parents if they led you astray may be good, but confronting parents because of how they hurt you, perhaps to discipline or hurtfully enthrone you on the part of greatness is foolishness.

Many people mistaken discipline during upbringing as wicked on the part of parents.

True

None that I know of. My parents were very loving and caring. That's not say there were not times they reproved or diciplined us but nothing so strong as to warrant confrontations.

I really can't relate.

Ryan03:
Yes I did confront my mum. We lost the last child of the house to sickle cell and my mum kept crying for days, she wouldn't even eat. I told her if I were the one that died, she wouldn't have cried that way, in fact, she would have been happy I was no more because of the way she treated me. I always felt so different growing up among my siblings. I only ended up making her cry more, she apologized and tried to explain to me. I pretended to understand though I didn't but I felt better knowing that she didn't hate me.
10years after that incident now, I have come to realize that she never hated me, I was just passing through the stress and problems of puberty. Parents are really trying, everyday I wake up with the fear of disappointing my son, I work hard just for him. Don't know what I will do if he thinks the same way of me as I thought of my mum

The man na theif.
E dey chop my skul fees money then.

My mom refused to buy a particular shoe for me when we went shopping, my tears didn't convince her that I love the shoe so much, my dad took me there to get the shoe because i wouldn't stop crying but unfortunately someone else already bought the shoe, my dad wasn't happy with my mum too, I refused every other shoe brought before me, I still make reference to it till today. I love my dad more than my mom

Zzor:
My mom refused to buy a particular shoe for me when we went shopping, my tears didn't convince her that I love the shoe so much, my dad took me there to get the shoe because i wouldn't stop crying but unfortunately someone else already bought the shoe, my dad wasn't happy with my mum too, I refused every other shoe brought before me, I still make reference to it till today. I love my dad more than my mom

You better forgive your mum and move on

Naughty child!

Mariangeles:

You better forgive your mum and move on
Naughty child!

lol, the thing has refused to leave my memory

giving too much power to people who meant nothing to me to punish me...lol right now when they see they put down their faces you know why.. all they had was bitterness no love.