Hello All, trust we're all enjoying the weekend amidst the democracy protests and demonstrations, Naija go better.
Please I need the input and advise of matured people and also Nigerians in the diaspora. Kindly bear with the length of the post and the fact that I opened a new account to post it.

I recently gained admission into an MBA program in the US with all expenses after partial funding to be borne by my brother who is resident there. Program starts in two months. Being a lil above average intellectually, my brother has advised that I make myself mentally ready for the program as it will be rigorous but with high ROI afterwards. The dilemma is that my partner who I have been in a relationship wt for almost two years is insisting I pay her bride price before leaving while she joins me two years later i.e. after the successful completion of the program. My brother and some older friends I have over there are not in support of such arrangement as they advise I don't commit to any relationship by means of introduction or marriage before coming over. They advised that I do that after I get a job and work permit following the completion of my program.

The thing is I love this girl; well-mannered, loyal, beautiful and would make a perfect soulmate, but she is not ambitious, although a graduate. She has told me times without number that she doesn't have plans for additional certifications, or higher degree etc. Invariably, she is contented with her secretarial/front-desk kind of jobs with meagre salary plus some mini businesses by the side. She even told me she would go into selling stuffs if she gets to the US. Before the migration plans came up, I supported her business moves in all ways. However, plans have changed and it's necessary that she supports the family considerably as obtainable over there, else man go just dey work with nothing to show cos of the high cost of living in the US. Cos as I heard, to make an honest living and earn something reasonable as an immigrant, having a career is one of the surest means.

All my brother keeps ringing in my head is that I allow nothing distract me during the program, not even marriage, cos his $50k (partial tuition, accommodation and feeding during the program) must not go to waste neither must I 'manage' after graduation, cos the plan is for me to work, earn well and sponsor my younger brother in 5 years thereabout.

To be very honest, I intend getting married to her if only she becomes more ambitious by registering to sit and build a career (I'm thinking HR). If she doesn't show any interest in doing this, I would have to end the relationship.

Lots of things are going on in my head right now. I don't want to lose a good soul-mate while searching for greener pastures, neither do I want to settle for someone who isn't ready to adapt to new circumstances but wants to enjoy the perks that come along with it.

Is there a way to work around this ? Am I being selfish if i end the relationship ? What kind of business can a Nigerian lady do in the US that will thrive ? Is it easy to bear up to 80% of the family responsibility in the US as a man and still remain sane ?

I'd appreciate your honest contributions/advise

No, not being selfish. Have her as an option while she also have you as an option. Don't tie yourself down b4 you see what's out there

It's is possible for one party to bear the cost of running the home dependent on income. I would however suggest u do not go into that arrangement if u think ur girlfriend is the unsupportive type.
Why the rush to marry ? How does it benefit you both at this point?
I would completely agree with your brother.

Let her stay in Nigeria and work. Nigerian ladies and their husbands in US consistently face divorce threats.

yesboss123:
Hello All, trust we're all enjoying the weekend amidst the democracy protests and demonstrations, Naija go better.
Please I need the input and advise of matured people and also Nigerians in the diaspora. Kindly bear with the length of the post and the fact that I opened a new account to post it.

I recently gained admission into an MBA program in the US with all expenses after partial funding to be borne by my brother who is resident there. Program starts in two months. Being a lil above average intellectual, my brother has advised that I make myself mentally ready for the program as it will be rigorous but with high ROI afterwards. The dilemma is that my partner who I have been in a relationship wt for almost two years is insisting I pay her bride price before leaving while she joins me two years later i.e. after the successful completion of the program. My brother and some older friends I have over there are not in support of such arrangement as they advise I don't commit to any relationship by means of introduction or marriage before coming over. They advised that I do that after I get a job and work permit following the completion of my program.

The thing is I love this girl; well-mannered, loyal, beautiful and would make a perfect soulmate, but she is not ambitious, although a graduate. She has told me times without number that she doesn't have plans for additional certifications, or higher degree etc. Invariably, she is contented with her secretarial/front-desk kind of jobs with meagre salary plus some mini businesses by the side. She even told me she would go into selling stuffs if she gets to the US. Before the migration plans came up, I supported her business moves in all ways. However, plans have changed and it's necessary that she supports the family considerably as obtainable over there, else man go just dey work with nothing to show cos of the high cost of living in the US. Cos as I heard, to make an honest living and earn something reasonable as an immigrant, having a career is one of the surest means.

All my brother keeps ringing in my head is that I allow nothing distract me during the program, not even marriage, cos his $50k (partial tuition, accommodation and feeding during the program) must not go to waste neither must I 'manage' after graduation, cos the plan is for me to work, earn well and sponsor my younger brother in 5 years thereabout.

To be very honest, I intend getting married to her if only she becomes more ambitious by registering to sit and build a career (I'm thinking HR). If she doesn't show any interest in doing this, I would have to end the relationship.

Lots of things are going on in my head right now. I don't want to lose a good soul-mate while searching for greener pastures, neither do I want to settle for someone who isn't ready to adapt to new circumstances but wants to enjoy the perks that come along with it.

Is there a way to work around this ? Am I being selfish if i end the relationship ? What kind of business can a Nigerian lady do in the US that will thrive ? Is it easy to bear up to 80% of the family responsibility in the US as a man and still remain sane ?

I'd appreciate your honest contributions/advise

u never comot, yet lot of things are going tru ur head.

well introduction is not marriage, marriage isn't evalasting.

K

May God save us from time wasters.

Poor girl, if only she knows what an asshole her so called boyfriend is. In her mind she is dating a human being, not knowing he is planning to dump her.

Ladies, always pray well so that one selfish man will not waste your precious time.

yesboss123:
Hello All, trust we're all enjoying the weekend amidst the democracy protests and demonstrations, Naija go better.
Please I need the input and advise of matured people and also Nigerians in the diaspora. Kindly bear with the length of the post and the fact that I opened a new account to post it.

I recently gained admission into an MBA program in the US with all expenses after partial funding to be borne by my brother who is resident there. Program starts in two months. Being a lil above average intellectual, my brother has advised that I make myself mentally ready for the program as it will be rigorous but with high ROI afterwards. The dilemma is that my partner who I have been in a relationship wt for almost two years is insisting I pay her bride price before leaving while she joins me two years later i.e. after the successful completion of the program. My brother and some older friends I have over there are not in support of such arrangement as they advise I don't commit to any relationship by means of introduction or marriage before coming over. They advised that I do that after I get a job and work permit following the completion of my program.

The thing is I love this girl; well-mannered, loyal, beautiful and would make a perfect soulmate, but she is not ambitious, although a graduate. She has told me times without number that she doesn't have plans for additional certifications, or higher degree etc. Invariably, she is contented with her secretarial/front-desk kind of jobs with meagre salary plus some mini businesses by the side. She even told me she would go into selling stuffs if she gets to the US. Before the migration plans came up, I supported her business moves in all ways. However, plans have changed and it's necessary that she supports the family considerably as obtainable over there, else man go just dey work with nothing to show cos of the high cost of living in the US. Cos as I heard, to make an honest living and earn something reasonable as an immigrant, having a career is one of the surest means.

All my brother keeps ringing in my head is that I allow nothing distract me during the program, not even marriage, cos his $50k (partial tuition, accommodation and feeding during the program) must not go to waste neither must I 'manage' after graduation, cos the plan is for me to work, earn well and sponsor my younger brother in 5 years thereabout.

To be very honest, I intend getting married to her if only she becomes more ambitious by registering to sit and build a career (I'm thinking HR). If she doesn't show any interest in doing this, I would have to end the relationship.

Lots of things are going on in my head right now. I don't want to lose a good soul-mate while searching for greener pastures, neither do I want to settle for someone who isn't ready to adapt to new circumstances but wants to enjoy the perks that come along with it.

Is there a way to work around this ? Am I being selfish if i end the relationship ? What kind of business can a Nigerian lady do in the US that will thrive ? Is it easy to bear up to 80% of the family responsibility in the US as a man and still remain sane ?

I'd appreciate your honest contributions/advise

Do not do any introduction or promise that girl friend any marriage. I was in your shoes 12 years ago when I was planning to go study abroad. I purposely avoided relationship with any girl because I wanted to concentrate and have a clear state of mind while studying and it was the best decision I ever made. It is very important that you concentrate and avoid relationship with anybody while studying because women are big distraction and dream killer. She will put so much pressure on you that you would do things to your detriment as a student just to satisfy her. She would also expect you to be sending her upkeep money as a student which you obviously cannot afford at this time.

What you need now is stability so leave the country as a single guy, finish your studies, hustle for job, then you will have so many option of women to choose from.

Do not let your testosterone to make decision for you.

Listen to your brother: end the relationship.

Women wouldn't care about how you feel if they were in your shoes.

A golden opportunity has presented itself to improve your life and you're concerned about a lady when you would have a plethora of options by the time you're through with your studies.

All this "she's loyal, caring, humble" are just formats.

You better be wise Op.

My brother and some older friends I have over there are not in support of such arrangement as they advise I don't commit to any relationship by means of introduction or marriage before coming over

Your brother and friends are actually very correct, but what you all forget is that in the long run, you would most likely be back and this time you would be stuck with women you do not know (closely). Except you choose to marry someone over there.

I also do not see anything wrong in her plans of trading (business). Is it suddenly a problem because she is a woman? There are people who are not cut out for corporate work. They don’t want to be Okonjos or Awosikas and that is totally fine, but I understand if you like them in heels and suits. You can move on and find your high-flying-career-woman. Because if you marry this your babe, you go cheat on am with your colleague or one lady you met at a conference.

I'll register here to read comments. We that we have been in your shoes won't say a word. Because we were advised but we didn't listen.

All I'll say is if you're taking her overseas do it because she deserves it. It doesn't make it hurt when she leaves. Read again. Not because of love or anything, but because she deserves it.

Best you end it now and both of you cry your cry in peace and move on.

Ishilove:
May God save us from time wasters.

Poor girl, if only she knows what an asshole her so called boyfriend is. In her mind she is dating a human being, not knowing he is planning to dump her.

Ladies, always pray well so that one selfish man will not waste your precious time.

You just like talking nonsense and I don't know why. Be logical for once.

I'm very sure you won't say this if the Op was your brother.

Raalsalghul:
Listen to your brother: end the relationship.

Women wouldn't care about how you feel if they were in your shoes.

A golden opportunity has presented itself to improve your life and you're concerned about a lady when you would have a plethora of options by the time you're through with your studies.

All this "she's loyal, caring, humble" are just formats.

You better be wise Op.

Lol. If she can be loyal when he is in right here in Nigeria with her, how is that format? You will see the main format when he comes back from that America armed with citizenship to look for a homebased wife that he doesn’t know her history.

While I won’t advise him to do any intro, I also won’t advise him to just end it like that. The devil you know…

pocohantas:


Your brother and friends are actually very correct, but what you all forget is that in the long run, you would most likely be back and this time you would be stuck with women you do not know (closely). Except you choose to marry someone over there.

I also do not see anything wrong in her plans of trading (business). Is it suddenly a problem because she is a woman? There are people who are not cut out for corporate work and that is totally fine, but I understand if you like them in heels and suits. You can move on and find your high-flying-career-woman. Because if you marry this your babe, you go cheat on am with your colleague or one lady you met at a conference.

The problem here is that she's not ambitious regardless of business or being in the corporate sector.

Raalsalghul:


The problem here is that she's not ambitious regardless of business or being in the corporate sector.

She hasn’t even tried the business and you have written her off in business too. Nawa!

pocohantas:


Lol. If she can be loyal when he is in right here in Nigeria with her, how is that format? You will see the main format when he comes back from that America armed with citizenship to look for a homebased wife that he doesn’t know her history.

While I won’t advise him to do any intro, I also won’t advise him to just end it like that. The devil you know…

I totally agree with your first paragraph.

But he needs to end the relationship: such is better for the two of them so he can concentrate and she moving on to Plan B or C because I'm cocksure she has one. No be una again!

You can see where he mentioned how rigorous the program is.

So the last thing he needs to worry about is billing from his supposed babe as a student, pressure from her to make him commit and anxiety over whether she's faithful or not.

pocohantas:


She hasn’t even tried the business and you have written her off in business too. Nawa!

It is not a matter of business or not. The key word here is "ambition".

Some people do things to keep up appearances and get along while the others want to build upon and get better.

I'm very sure she's the former.

Who go even sponsor the business? Shebi na still the Op.

To be honest with you, I see a loss-loss situation for the Op. He should end it and move on, no time for sentiments.

Yesboss123 please end that relationship and move on, don't let testestorone and oxytocin think for you.

Raalsalghul:


It is not a matter of business or not. The key word here is "ambition".

Some people do things to keep up appearances and get along while the others want to build upon and get better.

I'm very sure she's the former.

Who go even sponsor the business? Shebi na still the Op.

To be honest with you, I see a loss-loss situation for the Op. He should end it and move on, no time for sentiments.

Hahahaha. Okay then, if you say so, I will have to agree with you.

Bro, based on your story, I discovered the main reason you may want to dump her is because of her less zeal for education..... Not all women like education to that level...

She's just looking for an assurance that once you leave you wont dump her, and based on your write up that she's a wife material and good in business, just calm her down and give her your word that you will surely marry her if God will it...

My wife only had B.Sc in Zoology and was on the verge of going to US (lone star college), that's where her brother got his PHD on scholarship, to do her masters before her brother who is a citizen died last year...

Mind you, the masters she was going to do there was because she was forced, she prefer business, she has a fashion shop where she make her money and she work in a private firm too...

So education no mean say she no go reach where she has been destined by God to reach, provided she uses her head well.

A big thanks to everyone who has contributed to this thread, I sincerely appreciate.

Raalsalghul, pocohantas, Ulunne777, mk3jax, Mejiloyon, stupidmod3, Klass99, thiagoteres, PrincessGlow and Ishilove (wasn't disappointed wt ur response at all; lol. thank you still).

More contributions are welcome

You don't need to end it. Some females prefer working a small job or being stay-at-home wives while the husband provides. We're not all the same.

Biko listen to your brother. However, no need to break up with her, time will test the validity of your relationship anyways. Please concentrate on your study so you can pay his effort to self and forward. Good luck.

Okay.

You are still in school, you want to pay bride price, you definitely have no life ambition yourself and you have meet an equally no ambition leech.

I married exactly 10 years after youth service. Within the 10 years, I worked in 3 banks, did two postgraduate degrees before thinking about marriage.

You that cannot even feed yourself wants to carry another liability.

I have no advice for people who don't use their brain to think.

Yxwqq:
You don't need to end it. Some females prefer working a small job or being stay-at-home wives while the husband provides. We're not all the same.

Does the same apply to men? .
Can you marry a sit-at-home husband ?

yesboss123:
A big thanks to everyone who has contributed to this thread, I sincerely appreciate.

Raalsalghul, pocohantas, Ulunne777, mk3jax, Mejiloyon, stupidmod3, Klass99, thiagoteres, PrincessGlow and Ishilove (wasn't disappointed wt ur response at all; lol. thank you still).

More contributions are welcome

If I may ask, what do you gain from the said lady that is tangible enough?

Here in Nigeria, you support her financially.

She's already pressurizing you for marriage, na still you go use money pay bride price and other stuffs.

As a student over there, you'll still send her money from time to time for upkeep even as you're managing yourself.

Time to come over, na you go sponsor am.

And let's even assume she's serious about starting the business over there, where will the funds come from? I'm sure it's not from the front desk job she's managing. It's still you!

I ask again, what are you gaining from the said lady?

I apologize if I'm a little bit gung-ho about this your matter.

Raalsalghul:


If I may ask, what do you gain from the said lady that is tangible enough?

Here in Nigeria, you support her financially.

She's already pressurizing you for marriage, na still you go use money pay bride price and other stuffs.

As a student over there, you'll still send her money from time to time for upkeep even as you're managing yourself.

Time to come over, na you go sponsor am.

And let's even assume she's serious about starting the business over there, where will the funds come from? I'm sure it's not from the front desk job she's managing. It's still you!

I ask again, what are you gaining from the said lady?

I apologize if I'm a little bit gung-ho about this your matter.

u not being a gung ho wat ever that means, so guys just like liability, wen dis kind lady reach there oyo is u name.

over 70% of women taken over sea n married always end in divorce or death.

this one carry load here he wan go there still carry load.

because her toto sweet pass

RichBoy247:
Okay.

You are still in school, you want to pay bride price, you definitely have no life ambition yourself and you have meet an equally no ambition leech.

I married exactly 10 years after youth service. Within the 10 years, I worked in 3 banks, did two postgraduate degrees before thinking about marriage.

You that cannot even feed yourself wants to carry another liability.

I have no advice for people who don't use their brain to think.

You need to calm down sir. That you waited 19 years after service before you got married doesn't mean everyone else should. Check again, I didn't ask for the opinions of older people, instead, more matured people. Thanks for your CV, but mine isn't bad either. Worked for 5 years already; 2 in one of the multinational banks, and currently in one of the big 4 consulting firms. Being on NL for 8 years now, I have learnt from the stories of others; applied contributions from comments made on such matters to personal situations and I have been better for it. I created this thread, not just for myself but for others who might be in similar situation now or in the future.

Raalsalghul:


If I may ask, what do you gain from the said lady that is tangible enough?

Here in Nigeria, you support her financially.

She's already pressurizing you for marriage, na still you go use money pay bride price and other stuffs.

As a student over there, you'll still send her money from time to time for upkeep even as you're managing yourself.

Time to come over, na you go sponsor am.

And let's even assume she's serious about starting the business over there, where will the funds come from? I'm sure it's not from the front desk job she's managing. It's still you!

I ask again, what are you gaining from the said lady?

I apologize if I'm a little bit gung-ho about this your matter.

Thanks so much for your responses so far, much appreciated sir. To the question, what I'm gaining from the lady ? Nothing physical, monetary etc. except from the fact that I've been in quite a number of relationships to know one who complements me well. However, at no time did I place the relationship above myself or career. Career has been fine. Long before the migration thingy spring up, the plan was for her to settle for business in the long run if developing a career is not her thing. I think my mistake lies in the fact that I committed to marrying her earlier than necessary.
Really making a final decision in this regard is not too difficult a task, just wanted the advise of people who know or have been in such situations first hand. Thanks boss