Naomi,Is he married now?

I don't think HE wud suggest taking the boy from you now it's rather too early but just incase he does;
Is he married?become responsible?what type of work is he doing(does he work long hours,shifts,his work entails constant traveling) ?

Consider carefully his answers.dad-son relationship wud not grow in an instant or overnight so he has to start off with say school vacations.

I don't agree on sending off ur son to a boarding school right now and just like that(unless he is alreader a boarder) because u want to please him.Let him start off with spending vacation with him.

You don't have to worry either of him taking ur son away from you,the boy is 15,he might be acting stubborn et all but deep down he knows all u've done and given him as a mother so he ain't going to forget you or get stolen from you.

btw,If per chance the dude happens to be single,Is there any possibility of getting back together?(lol,don't mind me oo,or even think abt that now)One day at a time.

naomina,

I feel for you oh.

BTW When this man comes I suspect some bottled up kongo of 15yrs might end up getting shined

All the best

Dem use toto swear for you?

Dayo,what do u feel for her?what part of "her" do u feel?

You are right abt the "great Okafor's law". . .They are both wiser now so using protection is sure.

@Odunnu,E ji Ikpu buo Dayo onu.lol

Odunnu:

Dem use toto swear for you?

E be like so

@ify: ihe nkea dikwa egwu.
@DK: make we go beg the person wey use toto swear for you. Shey e still dey alive?

Naominna:

My Dear Friends,
Many thanks for all you do. I have made 'notes' and jotted down very important points and counsels from all of you. I feel some form of 'empowerment' and a great sense of belonging here.

I have always have the fear that he might want to take the child someday, but i do not trust him enough to afford him that privilege. I have reservations that the child will not be better off with him at least for now. Please, just in case he raise the issue of taking the child with him how to i respond to that?
I have some cockroaches, lizards and all sorts dancing in my belly. Am so scared.

True, I wouldn't trust him in that regard either. If he raises the issue let him know that taking the child isn't up for discussion. Period. Then move on the next point that you have. I would suggest writing out a list of concerns so that you don't get sidetracked and you always have something to refer back to. Try to refriain from an emotional display because you may lose your cool. Don't be afraid, you have spent the last 15 years of your life catering for your son all alone. That requires tremendous strength and I really admire you for keeping it all together. Some women would have pushed the child on someone else, or worse resented the child and not cared about what he was doing with his life. Draw on the strength that you have been forced to aquire over the years. Your son's father may have been abusive and he may have mistreated you in the past, but don't revisit the hurt and fear of the past. You are a different person now so don't feel intimidated.

Dayo must your d i c k derail every thread?

When I say Ashewo
You say Dayo
Ashewo,

Odunnu:

@ify: ihe nkea dikwa egwu.
@DK: make we go beg the person wey use toto swear for you. Shey e still dey alive?

Na the Person post ahead of me just now her name is lady t

UnA wan say you no know okafor.s theory ask ifyalways to tell you

@poster
playing the victim will hardly help the situation as it is now,what exactly do you expect an ngo to do?
your son has an option which is you, n.g.o are for children who have absolutely no option,and the ngo is like a life line for them, you either suck it up and sink or swim with the present situation.
teenagers need boundarries and i believe you have indulged him and allowed him to have his way while he was growing up hence he is almost getting out of hand now, i will suggest you start creating boundaries and swift punishment for the crossing of those boundaries some of those punishment could be impounding his playstation,mobile phone etc
introduce him to new hobbies that will keep him away from negative influences,encourage him to develope new hobbies, present day hip hop started when a group of young black people started to explore musical creativity.

lastly continue to talk to him,he will outgrow it eventually its just part of youthful exuberance, i was worse than your child in my teenage years,and i thank GOD that my parents were patient with me and they can see the results now that i have outgrown it

Naominna:

@ Ifyalways:
You 've made such an impact and I so adore you for that. He should be coming all the way from warri delta state for this meeting in lagos. I do not know what plans he has, i do not know either if he has friends/relations in lagos he intends to put up with. sincerely, i would like to be in control of my life. where exactly do you thing would be the best place for this meeting. does it make sense to let him know where we live.

This same dude abused you and dumped you with your child without a backward glance, besides he is now married so why get yourself worked up in a frenzy worrying about where he would stay, nothing wrong in him knowing where you stay, but don't let the meeting take place at your house, and afterwards if he likes let him go and camp under the bridge, that should be the least of your worries so please get a grip lest Dayokanu's prediction about once-debe-forever-debe comes to pass. . .who knows if his second marriage is not working and he comes bearing the you-are-the-one-who-got-away-the-only-one-my-heart-longs-for-line.


Where was I supposed to start from sef, ehn hen, you have been the one playing the role of Dad and Mum in your precious child's life all these years, usually these kids see these things and as a result are always close to their Mother, especially the boys, and would defend their Mother with their last breath. From all indication, you previously had a good relationship with your son until recently, so I guess you might have unwittingly taken your eyes off the ball hence reason he is now looking for another family to fill in the gaps, which is why majority of kids join gangs.


To digress a bit, I have been in the company of different children in similar situation to yours, ranging from aged 7 upwards and the general consensus is that they always wish their Dad was dead or even say he is dead to them because he abandoned them and makes their Mum cry, so what you need to be doing is reconnecting with your son. It will not be easy because not only do you have their rapidly changing hormones to deal with, the teenage brain has been proven scientifically and medically to be wired differently to test the boundaries and frustrate the living daylight outta their parents because the medial prefrontal cortex as it is known as, which is responsible for acting responsibly and rationally is not yet fully developed. . .I know Nigeria is a Country where kids are seen, not heard so you might wanna brush this outta hand, but your child has also been dragged through a lot emotionally, so please be considerate to his predicament.


Back to what I was saying, you need to go back to where you left him, and draw him closer to you, most importantly, you need to let him know you have been in touch with his Dad. He might feel slighted that his role is being challenged as he has been the male in the house all this years,  but you need to reassure him that nothing is going to change, that only both you and him are in control of his future, not his Dad. The most important thing for now is getting your child back, whilst reassuring your kiddo that the bond between you and him is not about to be broken, that Dad is only around to help financially. Of course you are a grown woman and can do what you want with your body, but you need to keep any overt familiarity/rekindled embers of passion, etc, to yourself for now, lest your son feels he is being unceremoniously replaced by his Dad.


I am not saying this because I am deffo not a member of the spare-the-rod brigade, but only suggesting you use this soft approach because he too has been through a lot emotionally. He has prolly sat in class year after year after year listening to tales of "My Daddy did this and my Daddy bought me that . . ." from hundreds of his classmates, and perhaps sometimes wonder why he was born, or why he does not have a Dad . . . so you owe it to him to tell him his Dad is coming and you owe it to him to make sure he feels comfortable enough for whatever final decision you have to take.

Get a father figure for him and think about this' what would you do if you both were married and peraventures he dies after you had the child and his family is nothing to write home about?.you will surely raise him.forget about the existence of his father and do ur best in making ur boy a man.I'm sure he wil make u proud its just an ugly phase in his life now.pray for him

ifyalways:

Naomi,Is he married now?

I don't think HE wud suggest taking the boy from you now it's rather too early but just incase he does;
Is he married?become responsible?what type of work is he doing(does he work long hours,shifts,his work entails constant traveling) ?

Consider carefully his answers.dad-son relationship wud not grow in an instant or overnight so he has to start off with say school vacations.

I don't agree on sending off your son to a boarding school right now and just like that(unless he is alreader a boarder) because u want to please him.Let him start off with spending vacation with him.

You don't have to worry either of him taking your son away from you,the boy is 15,he might be acting stubborn et all but deep down he knows all u've done and given him as a mother so he ain't going to forget you or get stolen from you.

btw,If per chance the dude happens to be single,Is there any possibility of getting back together?(lol,don't mind me oo,or even think abt that now)One day at a time.

@Bolded, some teenagers are "hard-core" bad. If our poster's son falls into this category (no use denying it, deal with it) up to the point of her wanting to die, sending him to boarding school might not be a bad idea if the father is willing and able to pay for it.

The way I see it we are dealing with 3/4 issues here:

- A stubborn teenage boy making wrong choices.

- Failed relationship between his parents that affects all of them negatively.

- Custody/ Financial implication of raising him.

The boarding school option helps to address most of these problems at least in the short-term. Father can be made to be more responsible by paying school fees, son is taken-away from the negative environment that threatens to make him a delinquent and mother can have breathing-space to think of herself and what she wants to do with the rest of her life. Surely, this is better than she worrying everyday and becoming suicidal.

Hello poster how are things with your son? be strong for him, be tough with him and love yourself and your son. You have gotten so far without a man in the picture with determination you will surely succeed no matter how rough the road is. That financial help from the father is very important as it will atleast remove the burden of where, how, when will i get money for the next fees. have you had the meeting with the man?

You have been slack in your responsibilty, his father walking out on you is not an excuse!!! what if you are a widow? well, lets not cry over spilt milk. They say "spare the rod and spoil the kid". Take him to remand home for the boys, they would knock some sense into him. if you kill yourself the boy would continue to enjoy his life or worse he might even change and you would have died for nothing. Teenage years are the most difficult period in a childs life, manage it well!