***LITERATURE****

*GENRE: PROSE.

*TYPE: COMEDY.

*AIM: TO PUT SMILE ON THE BORED OR SAD READERS.

*MOTTO: YOUR SMILE IS MY CONCERN.

*BY: SIVANSTAR

1) You think you know all different ways of stealing until you get to Ojuelegba,Lagos,where they will steal your phone but your earpiece will continue playing music until you get home.Fear Lagos

2) It only Nigerian police that will stop your car and said..."Oga,your plate number is Lagos.What are you doing in Sokoto? You are under arrest for illegal confusion

3) I called her last night and said,"I miss you honey".Her mother replied,"Honey is sleeping,you are talking with the bee"

4) Who else notice this? Yoruba people shout on phone,Igbo people lie on the phone,while hausa people always call the wrong number.

5) You borrow my gas to boil water and I am percieving beans...Neighbour,why na!

6) Black people will never believe you are sick until you start refusing delicious food.

7) Hausa songs are always in a hurry...
That makes me wonder if the artist is
using a stolen guitar.

Please be careful of who you help oooo, I
was bathing my neighbor chicken in hot
water. Now I'm being called a thief

9) I've deleted all Eminem's songs on my
phone , even my mom doesn't shout at me
like that.

10) I no longer see primary school pupils
wrapping their books with Newspapers or
calender.Our culture is really gone

11) My life is so private that no one even
knows tomorrow is my 3 years old son's 7th
birthday.

12) My mom kept fish on the table and I ate it,now
she said I should check under the table if
the Rat is dead.
Please,which rat is she talking about??

13) You can never make a goat smile no matter
what you do,all it would do is just mee-meee

14) They said the down fall of a man is not the
end for a man, but brother what if you fall from
3 story building??

15) Kpo kpo
Me:who is dat?
The person knocking: It us jehovah witness.
Me:okay them no de house.
Jehovah witness:but you just answered na.
Me:I say them no de house,na their dog
bingo de talk.

16) Yesterday evening when I arrive back from
work,I got to my door and saw jehovah
wittness knocking at the empty house, I
joined them and knock, until they got tired
and left, then I entered my house.

17) Warning avoid!!! I repeat.Avoid expire weed.
My neighbor drove his son and drop him in his office while he trekked to his son school and join the other student in the assembly-ground.

18) I was in a plane going to Dubai,as the plane
took off and was 2500 metres away from
the earth surface,the two pilots started fighting,I
just came down and entered Okada.
I hate rubbish.

••••••Conversation between a Rat and Man•••••

Rat: (with tiny voice) hello.

Man: hello, who am I speaking with?

Rat: Na Mr. John be this abi??

Man: Yes you are speaking with Mr. John,
who is this please?

Rat: So you no recognize my voice abi? Na
me your room mate.

Man: You say what?

Rat: Your room mate Rat. I dey your room
now...

Man: I beg your pardon?

Rat: which yeye beg you dey beg me. I
never eat since yesterday,were you waka
comot? I check that place wey you dey put
food I no see anything. I check the kitchen,
nothing. I even check your fridge,no single
food there. E be like say you wan kill me
abi... No problem, I just say make I let you
know say That your certificate inside your
wardrobe wey dem write LAGOS STATE
UNIVERSITY I don eat the LA comot.
Remaining GOSSTATE UNIVERSITY. Let me
see which work you go take GOSstate
university find.....Nonsense (rat ends call)

19) IN ABIA : This land is not for sale
•IN IMO : This land belongs to Mazi Okoro,beware of 419
•IN ANAMBRA : This land is mine and
your life is yours .Don't let us trespass
on each other's property biko!

20) I knew the economic state was worse when
I heard someone pricing NEPA BILL...
He was like ‘Bros Abeg how much for low
current?

21) WHAT IS WITCHCRAFT?
Well “witchcraft” can simply be defined as a
situation whereby you entered your room,
slept on your bed and when you woke
up you saw you and your mattress at the
middle of the Atlantic ocean.

22) It is only in Indian movies that armed
robbers will be singing inside a bank after
robbery and Police will be outside the bank
dancing. Yeye people

23) I am tired for this country.
You will buy rice with meat, plantain and
egg and the seller will be like "Bros is that
all?" ...No ma, add ice-block, charcoal and
mosquito leg.

24) Pls is it a crime to stop a commercial
taxi......... greet all the passengers and work
away??

°°USA vs NIGERIA °°

USA
ROAD SAFETLY: Where is your driver
lisence?

DRIVER:Here is it (showing him his lisence)
ROAD SAFETLY:You are free to go.Have a nice day.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

NIGERIA
ROAD SAFETLY : Where is your
particular,Driver licence,Car document,car
reciept?

DRIVER : (Giving him all the request paper)

ROAD SAFETLY : (Realizing it is all complete) Oga
driver,where is your fire extigusher ? Extra
tire?

DRIVER : (Showing him everything)

ROAD SAFETLY : Oga driver! Why did you wind
up the glass?You wan use heat to kill
yourself? Oya commot park there! You are
under arrest for attempting to commit
suicide!!!

25) I like the way African elders handle
pregnancy matters, they will just ask you
one simple question " Adamu Do you know
this girl?"
The Moment you say *"Yes"*, No More
Explanation, Case Close‍ You're the father

26) My father said something funny
We were now laughing and I Mistakenly Said
*"U no get sense I swear"*

27) Wait..oo who else noticed that dining
table is useless in Nigeria.

28) I was home alone watching an horror film when Suddenly the bedroom door open by itself......To cut the story short,I have leave the house for them.

29) Welcome to Nigeria where degree
holders are looking for jobs, and those with
jobs are looking for degrees.
Confused Generation

30) Witchcraft is when you about to enter in
an interview and you hear your English
saying; "Go in, I'll wait for you outside"

31) Lady,don't be fooled by these guys,.. Not all men in a suit are rich ...Some are Choir masters.
32) When You Want to Charge your phone In a Football Viewing centre and You Mistakenly Off The DSTV during a penalty shoot out... shey you remember when your mum always tell you that your phone will k-ill you one day ?.. The moment has finally come.. Just get ready to die
33) 11.I don't even trust English Why is it dat "Give her her book" is correct and "Give him him book is not correct"? pls my people help me explain
34) 2022 safetly rule : All Motorbike rider should use seat belt ..

31) Lady,don't be fooled by these guys,.. Not all
men in a suit are rich ...Some are Choir masters.

32) When You Want to Charge your phone In
a Football Viewing centre and You
Mistakenly Off The DSTV during a penalty
shoot out...
shey you remember when your mum always
tell you that your phone will k-ill you one
day ?.. The moment has finally come.. Just
get ready to die

33) I don't even trust English
Why is it dat "Give her her book" is correct
and "Give him him book is not correct"?
pls my people help me explain

34) 2022 safetly rule : All Motorbike rider should
use seat belt

35) Have you noticed that Girls have “Three
Voices”:
•°•
ONE , Is used when answering calls.

TWO , The other one at home when
she is talking to her siblings (Her Original
Voice)

THREE , Is used when she’s talking to her
“B00 b00

36) My father said something funny
We were now laughing and I Mistakenly Said
*"U no get sense I swear"*
Please if you have a space in your room tell me cause I got nowhere to sleep tonight

** KEEP ON SMILING WITH SIVAN **

37) Nigerians be like, I want to buy Tin Tomatoes, the Sachet one

38) Nigeria mosquito's will not just suck
blood and go.They will sing their occultic
song first

39) That awkward monent when you are fighting and your oppenent almost killed you and you hear someone shouting *"Leave them to fight".

40) *Nigerian neighbors will see every Lady
you bring home, but they won't see your
cloth outside when it's raining*

42) Igbo guys advertising casket go be like.
Oga buy these one. fiammmm 3secs ur
mama don reach heaven

43) E don happen again Last night I came
home drunk and ask my landlord to increase my rent.

44) Don't trust everything you see even salt looks like sugar.

45) Can you stop brushing your teeth for three weeks,for one million?
......Me: How much is a year??

46) *Imagine sitting close to your Dad in church and pastor said 'turn to your neighbor and say.....
I no dey fear you

47) Abeg who introduced the custom of
buying bread when going to village?
Today, I must break it, Am giving them
Cheese balls

48) Bros if you like, skip my post. It is
written "many are called, but few are
chosen", "Many will read, but few will
react"

Hey chap, You are doing well
continue
IRMC