Good day nairalanders. Pls I would like you guys to give me your opinions concerning this matter.

My husband always buys things for me without hesitating even when I don't ask for it. When he gets paid, I know where every penny goes to and like wise I contribute my entire salary. 90% of the time, he is the one that buys foodstuff for the house. I hardly go the market so I don't even have change from anywhere.

He doesn't give me money for upkeep or any cash. I work but it's like I'm not working because I have nothing to show for it. I have not made my hair for well over a year. I have been telling him to give me money for upkeep but he doesn't want to burge.

Before he used to give me money but along the line he lost his job and things became difficult. For 3 years, we were borrowing to pay rent and feed. Now, even though he has a job, we are still paying debt here and there. I understand that we are paying debts but don't I deserve a little cash in my hand?

Now to the main issue. In July last year, my phone (Redmi 9) was stolen in a keke. My husband bought the phone for me and the phone was just 1month old before it was stolen. My husband has two phones. A small torchlight phone and an Infinix phone. He uses the small one for official purposes while the other one is his personal phone. I begged him to put his office sim in the big phone so he can give me the small one since he only has one sim in the big one but he refused. I used my phone for some online hustles which I bring my earnings to the table as well. I have told him that he doesn't need to buy me a big phone. Just give me what ever you can afford and I will look for a phone of that amount but no he won't. I have talked to him severally on these issues but he doesn't want to do anything about it. We even quarrelled over this phone issue twice. Since that July till now I'm without a phone. It's his phone I'm using to post this. He promised me in December that he will buy a phone for me in March. March ended and he was paid but he started telling me another story. Rather than buy me a phone, he joined a contribution where they are contributing 50k each. He is already in one contribution where they contribute 20k. You earn less than 120k and you are doing a contribution of 70k. With these contributions I know before I will get the phone it will take like another 3 months. Have I not been patient enough? I know it's a means of saving but how do you want to manage the rest for a family of 4. His hope is to add my 25k salary to it.

Pls nairalanders, will it be irrational of me to stop contributing my salary or giving him a part of it?

Pees123:
He doesn't give me money for upkeep or any cash. I work but it's like I'm not working because I have nothing to show for it. I have not made my hair for well over a year. I have been telling him to give me money for upkeep but he doesn't want to burge.

Before he used to give me money but along the line he lost his job and things became difficult. For 3 years, we were borrowing to pay rent and feed. Now, even though he has a job, we are still paying debt here and there. I understand that we are paying debts but don't I deserve a little cash in my hand?
.....
Pls nairalanders, will it be irrational of me to stop contributing my salary or giving him a part of it?

You said you work.... so why not take out from your own pay to purchase your the phone you say you need, and also get your hair done, this before you contribute whatever you will to house or whatever??

Smh

U guys are going through a rough time as you don’t earn enough to ball. One of you is making the tough decision about savings that will pay off later... You need patience, perseverance, and understanding.

Collect your salary...By the small phone you need...Make your hair or put wig...what’s the big deal....Or did your husband forbid you from touching any part of your money??

Una go just dey create fight when fight no dey.

Stop fighting your husband. Channel that energy into getting a better job.

Op, you come across incredibly selfish and childish. Your family is broke and instead of supporting your husband your talking about phones and hair. You are a family of 4 living on less than 170k and all you could think about is your selfish needs.

You need to do better and stop stressing your husband. Look for ways to bring more money to the table instead of fighting for the little money needed to run your home. Grow up because you sound like a teenager disturbing her dad! Be a wife and a help mate.

.

Double0h7:
Op, you come across incredibly selfish and childish. Your family is broke and instead of supporting your husband your talking about phones and hair. You are a family of 6 living on less than 170k and all you could think about is your selfish needs.

You need to do better and stop stressing your husband. Look for ways to bring more money to the table instead of fighting for the little money needed to run your home. Grow up because you sound like a teenager disturbing her dad! Be a wife and a help mate.

I don't really blame them. Many of them marry very early and they do that directly from their father's house. The entitlement is still there.

What stops her from saving a portion of her salary.

Reminds me of this my colleague getting married this June. I'm very sure the girl is less than 24.

Whew!
Please buy yourself a phone from your salary and also remove your pocket money. If anything remains, drop as your contribution , if nothing remains move on.

By the way, you too start looking for a better job....a grown woman shouldnt work for a full calendar month to earn less than minimum wage. Which kind money be that? Your contribution to the family sef isnt impactful now. It is well.

You should thank God that he remembers to save.
Use your salary and buy a new phone.With a salary of 120k and with all he provides you should be grateful.



Pity him

InTheCloudySky:
As long as he's not forcefully demanding your salary from you [equivalent to financial abuse] but you're giving it to him voluntarily, then start setting aside what you'll need to take care of yourself before giving him the rest. One year is too long for you to have neglected yourself.

I hope he's not one of those men who believe a woman shouldn't have money on their hands. It's a form of control and is dangerous. Besides taking care of yourself, you need to start saving, so work more hours if you can.

He is forcefully asking for it. He has my ATM and I cannot take part of the money else it will become an issue.

The people saying I should take what I need before contributing don't understand the situation. If I touch the money it will be an issue.

Karleb:


I don't really blame them. Many of them marry very early and they do that directly from their father's house. The entitlement is still there.

What stops her from saving a portion of her salary.

Reminds me of this my colleague getting married this June. I'm very sure the girl is less than 24.

How do I save a portion when he collects all the money and will make trouble if I attempt to touch it or ask him to give me part of it. He will start threatening me.

Aunty listen, take 10k from your next salary and buy a phone. Do this immediately you collect your salary. He doesn't want you to buy a phone and he doesn't want to release one of the phones in the house for you. That's selfishness!


Common! How do you guys communicate when you are out? How do you talk to friends, families and colleagues?

The fact that you guys are savings, doesn't mean you shouldn't attend to pressing needs at the moment.

Heaven will not fall...okay! Buy a small phone and most importantly, you guys should look for another means of income to add to the existing ones. All these whala is because there is no enough funds.

[quote author=Pees123 post=111545641]

Pees123:
Good day nairalanders. Pls I would like you guys to give me your opinions concerning this matter.

My husband always buys things for me without hesitating even when I don't ask for it. When he gets paid, I know where every penny goes to and like wise I contribute my entire salary. 90% of the time, he is the one that buys foodstuff for the house. I hardly go the market so I don't even have change from anywhere.

He doesn't give me money for upkeep or any cash. I work but it's like I'm not working because I have nothing to show for it. I have not made my hair for well over a year. I have been telling him to give me money for upkeep but he doesn't want to burge.

Before he used to give me money but along the line he lost his job and things became difficult. For 3 years, we were borrowing to pay rent and feed. Now, even though he has a job, we are still paying debt here and there. I understand that we are paying debts but don't I deserve a little cash in my hand?

Now to the main issue. In July last year, my phone (Redmi 9) was stolen in a keke. My husband bought the phone for me and the phone was just 1month old before it was stolen. My husband has two phones. A small torchlight phone and an Infinix phone. He uses the small one for official purposes while the other one is his personal phone. I begged him to put his office sim in the big phone so he can give me the small one since he only has one sim in the big one but he refused. I used my phone for some online hustles which I bring my earnings to the table as well. I have told him that he doesn't need to buy me a big phone. Just give me what ever you can afford and I will look for a phone of that amount but no he won't. I have talked to him severally on these issues but he doesn't want to do anything about it. We even quarrelled over this phone issue twice. Since that July till now I'm without a phone. It's his phone I'm using to post this. He promised me in December that he will buy a phone for me in March. March ended and he was paid but he started telling me another story. Rather than buy me a phone, he joined a contribution where they are contributing 50k each. He is already in one contribution where they contribute 20k. You earn less than 120k and you are doing a contribution of 70k. With these contributions I know before I will get the phone it will take like another 3 months. Have I not been patient enough? I know it's a means of saving but how do you want to manage the rest for a family of 4. His hope is to add my 25k salary to it.

Pls nairalanders, will it be irrational of me to stop contributing my salary or giving him a part of it?

Pees123:

He is forcefully asking for it. He has my ATM and I cannot take part of the money else it will become an issue.

The people saying I should take what I need before contributing don't understand the situation. If I touch the money it will be an issue.

Ohooo, he's collecting all of the 25k you earn? Like you don't have access to your salary?

That explains why you don't have cash at hand for some personal and have been asking him to buy you a phone or dash you the small torchlight.

How do you pay for transport to the job?

It is well oo

Omobola121:
Aunty listen, take 10k from your next salary and buy a phone. Do this immediately you collect your salary. He doesn't want you to buy a phone and he doesn't want to release one of the phones in the house for you. That's selfishness!


Common! How do you guys communicate when you are out? How do you talk to friends, families and colleagues?

The fact that you guys are savings, doesn't mean you shouldn't attend to pressing needs at the moment.

Heaven will not fall...okay! Buy a small phone and most importantly, you guys should look for another means of income to add to the existing ones. All these whala is because there is no enough funds.

She can't he collects all the money.

NoToPile:


Ohooo, he's collecting all of the 25k you earn? Like you don't have access to your salary?

That explains why you don't have cash at hand for some personal and have been asking him to buy you a phone or dash you the small torchlight.

How do you pay for transport to the job?

It is well oo

You know it's quite easy to find out those who is lying, It means some people don't even rate us on this forum.

She probably teleports to her job via a spritual portal.

Who the hell gives their ATM to their husband in the name of marriage in 2022?

Abi na MENT?

This one na Fake story!

truthsayer009:


You know it's quite easy to find out those who is lying, It means some people don't even rate us on this forum.

She probably teleports to her job via a spritual portal.

Who the hell gives their ATM to their husband in the name of marriage in 2022?

Abi na MENT?

Trust me, I know people who do, some men are like that, just drop mata, he might even be giving her exact transport to work on a daily basis. It's all about control, even if she earns 100k he would do same.

My mum knew someone who worked in a uni and submits salary to husband and her clothes are getting worn out. She couldn't buy stuffs for their children sef. He asks for pay slip. The day she removed money to go and buy okirika clothes for work all hell was let loose.

Some guys are that wicked.

Pees123:

My husband always buys things for me without hesitating even when I don't ask for it. When he gets paid, I know where every penny goes to and like wise I contribute my entire salary. 90% of the time, he is the one that buys foodstuff for the house. I hardly go the market so I don't even have change from anywhere.

He doesn't give me money for upkeep or any cash. I work but it's like I'm not working because I have nothing to show for it. I have not made my hair for well over a year. I have been telling him to give me money for upkeep but he doesn't want to burge.

Before he used to give me money but along the line he lost his job and things became difficult. For 3 years, we were borrowing to pay rent and feed. Now, even though he has a job, we are still paying debt here and there.

Pls nairalanders, will it be irrational of me to stop contributing my salary or giving him a part of it?

I will like u to take note of the bold parts from your post. Your husband is a good man & u are also a good wife for contributing your full salary to support the running of the house, not many women will do that. But due the fact that your husband lost his job & there are lots of debt to pay, things will no longer be as usual. I am very sure your husband wants to get an iPhone for u today, but priority, he needs to prioritize. From your post there are more pressing issues, remember his salary is small for a family of 4 & debt on ground. My advice is this, can u make do with a small torch light phone? If u can, remove 5k from your next salary to get it. Let him know why it is important for u to get a phone. I don't think there is any adult without a phone nowadays. But do not stop supporting him with your salary. He is also in a very tight situation right now. All the contributions he is doing is to ensure a better life for u guys. Try to understand him for now.

You are FULLY ENTITLED TO YOUR SALARY. Make use of it judiciously at your own discretion. Let hell let loose for all it's worth !

NoToPile:


Trust me, I know people who do, some men are like that, just drop mata, he might even be giving her exact transport to work on a daily basis. It's all about control, even if she earns 100k he would do same.

My mum knew someone who worked in a uni and submits salary to husband and her clothes are getting worn out. She couldn't buy stuffs for their children sef. He asks for pay slip. The day she removed money to go and buy okirika clothes for work all hell was let loose.

Some guys are that wicked.

Na wa oh, I assume her family doesn't also know what is happening & she is also an illitrate. This should only happen in poor homes or communities, not average middle class homes.

I mean the reason for attending school is to be enlightened. I am not sure this OP or the woman in your story are not educated. You can't go through 4 years of college uni and be dropping all your funds for your husband just to collect a penny, kolework.

The family has to be really poor as well to allow this to happen. Someobody will be collecting my Sisters funds and be giving her penny, lmao. E no go happen.

truthsayer009:


Na wa oh, I assume her family doesn't also know what is happening & she is also an illitrate. This should only happen in poor homes or communities, not average middle class homes.

I mean the reason for attending school is to be enlightened. I am not sure this OP or the woman in your story are not educated. You can't go through 4 years of college uni and be dropping all your funds for your husband just to collect a penny, kolework.

The family has to be really poor as well to allow this to happen. Someobody will be collecting my Sisters funds and be giving her penny, lmao. E no go happen.

The woman was educated enough to be an admin officer in the uni sha so it's not about education.

@Pees123:

Your priority should be to stop the forceful contribution of your salary & collect your ATM from him since it is not voluntary.

truthsayer009:


Na wa oh, I assume her family doesn't also know what is happening & she is also an illitrate. This should only happen in poor homes or communities, not average middle class homes.

I mean the reason for attending school is to be enlightened. I am not sure this OP or the woman in your story are not educated. You can't go through 4 years of college uni and be dropping all your funds for your husband just to collect a penny, kolework.

The family has to be really poor as well to allow this to happen. Someobody will be collecting my Sisters funds and be giving her penny, lmao. E no go happen.

Why do people think only uneducated/ poor/a certain class of women are victims of abuse?

Ok here is my advise.

You seem like an understanding lady (keep it up).

One thing about relationships is knowing were to draw the line. Also know that its never too late to draw a new line because both of you are in it for the long haul. This means right from the onset you gave all your earnings without keeping anything for your self (which might not be a bad thing then, and still isn't). But trying to do it now could ruffle your relationship now especially if he isn't as understanding. But like I said, its never too late to draw a line. Use wisdom to establish that reality in your relationship, because you need to take care of yourself. Like I said it may cause some turbulence in your relationship, but if you manage it with wisdom both of you will outgrow it and the new reality of you setting something aside for yourself would have been set.

Secondly, some men are wired in way to be fighting multiple battles at multiple fronts without communicating it to their spouse (its good men learn to communicate better). They do this thinking they are shielding the partner from worries, or that they trying to solve some anticipated issue in the future that could affect you, him or both of you at the expense of your immediate need. Thus he can appear to be not caring enough or not considering the other your immediate needs.

I am no expert, but knowing where the shoe pinches means you are able to address it. How, where and when are peculiarities different relationships need to explore alone.

Pees123:
Good day nairalanders. Pls I would like you guys to give me your opinions concerning this matter.

My husband always buys things for me without hesitating even when I don't ask for it. When he gets paid, I know where every penny goes to and like wise I contribute my entire salary. 90% of the time, he is the one that buys foodstuff for the house. I hardly go the market so I don't even have change from anywhere.

He doesn't give me money for upkeep or any cash. I work but it's like I'm not working because I have nothing to show for it. I have not made my hair for well over a year. I have been telling him to give me money for upkeep but he doesn't want to burge.

Before he used to give me money but along the line he lost his job and things became difficult. For 3 years, we were borrowing to pay rent and feed. Now, even though he has a job, we are still paying debt here and there. I understand that we are paying debts but don't I deserve a little cash in my hand?

Now to the main issue. In July last year, my phone (Redmi 9) was stolen in a keke. My husband bought the phone for me and the phone was just 1month old before it was stolen. My husband has two phones. A small torchlight phone and an Infinix phone. He uses the small one for official purposes while the other one is his personal phone. I begged him to put his office sim in the big phone so he can give me the small one since he only has one sim in the big one but he refused. I used my phone for some online hustles which I bring my earnings to the table as well. I have told him that he doesn't need to buy me a big phone. Just give me what ever you can afford and I will look for a phone of that amount but no he won't. I have talked to him severally on these issues but he doesn't want to do anything about it. We even quarrelled over this phone issue twice. Since that July till now I'm without a phone. It's his phone I'm using to post this. He promised me in December that he will buy a phone for me in March. March ended and he was paid but he started telling me another story. Rather than buy me a phone, he joined a contribution where they are contributing 50k each. He is already in one contribution where they contribute 20k. You earn less than 120k and you are doing a contribution of 70k. With these contributions I know before I will get the phone it will take like another 3 months. Have I not been patient enough? I know it's a means of saving but how do you want to manage the rest for a family of 4. His hope is to add my 25k salary to it.

Pls nairalanders, will it be irrational of me to stop contributing my salary or giving him a part of it?

If u buy Urself phone, will u die?

bukatyne:


Why do people think only uneducated/ poor/a certain class of women are victims of abuse?

Because it means their education was a waste and they should return their degree. If education cannot bring us out of mental slavery, what will?

For example, a little study I did shows that men who are traders are fond of sponsoring a young lady through university hoping that she would marry them, meanwhile an educated man who has already been through school knows that It will be difficult a thing to accomplish because only money isn't going to be enough win that woman over If the man isn't educated or exposed himself.

truthsayer009:


Because it means their education was a waste and they should return their degree. If education cannot bring us out of mental slavery, what will?

For example, a little study I did shows that men who are traders are fond of sponsoring a young lady through university hoping that she would marry them, meanwhile an educated man who has already been through school knows that It will be difficult a thing to accomplish because only money isn't going to be enough win that woman over If the man isn't educated or exposed himself.

Education or exposure has nothing to do with these things.

I have seen women who have achieved fantastic stuff at work still believe men are superior to women;

I have seen women who are high fliers still tell you that 'career' women don't make good wives'.

Or the ones that give their husbands their salary out of serious compulsion.

Educated men still do stuff that makes you wonder where they left their sense.

I know a senior academic staff in the university that was regularly beaten by her efulefu husband.

Like my people would say: Oro ife, bi adanwo ni

Pees123:

He is forcefully asking for it. He has my ATM and I cannot take part of the money else it will become an issue.

The people saying I should take what I need before contributing don't understand the situation. If I touch the money it will be an issue.

Madam why would you want to deliberately bring or allow the devil into your family because of something you can do without for the maintime you have been without a phone for sometimes now and you didn't die, you can still wait for that three months you said, some people advising you to start saving to do things on your own won't be there to help when things go wrong, you alone know the situations in your family any contrary actions can lead to something you never imagined so don't little thing or wrong advise destroy your family keep being a prayerful,supportive submissive wife i tell you by your actions yours husband will change that you begin to wonder what happened to him. God bless you

.

Pees123:
Good day nairalanders. Pls I would like you guys to give me your opinions concerning this matter.

My husband always buys things for me without hesitating even when I don't ask for it. When he gets paid, I know where every penny goes to and like wise I contribute my entire salary. 90% of the time, he is the one that buys foodstuff for the house. I hardly go the market so I don't even have change from anywhere.

He doesn't give me money for upkeep or any cash. I work but it's like I'm not working because I have nothing to show for it. I have not made my hair for well over a year. I have been telling him to give me money for upkeep but he doesn't want to burge.

Before he used to give me money but along the line he lost his job and things became difficult. For 3 years, we were borrowing to pay rent and feed. Now, even though he has a job, we are still paying debt here and there. I understand that we are paying debts but don't I deserve a little cash in my hand?

Now to the main issue. In July last year, my phone (Redmi 9) was stolen in a keke. My husband bought the phone for me and the phone was just 1month old before it was stolen. My husband has two phones. A small torchlight phone and an Infinix phone. He uses the small one for official purposes while the other one is his personal phone. I begged him to put his office sim in the big phone so he can give me the small one since he only has one sim in the big one but he refused. I used my phone for some online hustles which I bring my earnings to the table as well. I have told him that he doesn't need to buy me a big phone. Just give me what ever you can afford and I will look for a phone of that amount but no he won't. I have talked to him severally on these issues but he doesn't want to do anything about it. We even quarrelled over this phone issue twice. Since that July till now I'm without a phone. It's his phone I'm using to post this. He promised me in December that he will buy a phone for me in March. March ended and he was paid but he started telling me another story. Rather than buy me a phone, he joined a contribution where they are contributing 50k each. He is already in one contribution where they contribute 20k. You earn less than 120k and you are doing a contribution of 70k. With these contributions I know before I will get the phone it will take like another 3 months. Have I not been patient enough? I know it's a means of saving but how do you want to manage the rest for a family of 4. His hope is to add my 25k salary to it.

Pls nairalanders, will it be irrational of me to stop contributing my salary or giving him a part of it?

nawah for your husband ooo
His wife didn't make friends n he didn't feel bad
His friends no dey see u or is he not ashamed?
U don't even have a phone

Na real wah

The first bolded,
Was she speaking generally or specifically? There are aspects of life where men would be superior to women and vice versa.

The 2nd bolded,
Again, were these women speaking generally? In this case, generally, career women don't make good wives. However, specifically there would be some career women that do make good wives.

[s]The 3rd bolded,
There is really nothing wrong with that, unless the husband is not trustworthy or responsible. [/s]

What I'm trying to say is that, the points you raised to support your opinion that, educated and career women can be foolish too, are not good points.

*ADDED*
The 3rd bolded, I initially misunderstood it. someone explained what you meant, so please ignore the 3rd bolded.

bukatyne:


Education or exposure has nothing to do with these things.

I have seen women who have achieved fantastic stuff at work still believe men are superior to women;

I have seen women who are high fliers still tell you that 'career' women don't make good wives'.

Or the ones that give their husbands their salary out of serious compulsion.

Educated men still do stuff that makes you wonder where they left their sense.

I know a senior academic staff in the university that was regularly beaten by her efulefu husband.

Like my people would say: Oro ife, bi adanwo ni

OP @Pees123 please communicate clearly with him. Maybe he thinks if you’ve waited 1 year, you can wait a little longer, he probably doesn’t know you’re fed up, and maybe he doesn’t keep his word because he thinks you’ll understand, so you need to communicate clearly and respectfully to him.

Tell him you’ve been patiently waiting till the end of March for your phone. Get the weight off your shoulder. If you’re someone who holds people to their words and you marry a man who says things and doesn’t follow up, you’ll need to hold him accountable to make your marriage work. Keeping quiet and piling up worries will not help with a man you share everyday of your life with

Edit: You changed the last paragraph. If you stop contributing a part of your salary he may also start renegotiating previous agreements and commitments, I'll just say do what works for your marriage. You make some income, though not much to support a family of 4 in this president day Nigeria, but you still deserve to take care of your needs nonetheless

I know a man who spent a lot of money taking the kids out on a vacation and taking care of their school needs, thinking he was sacrificing for the family and it will make his wife happy, only to be confronted by his wife with "you didn't do anything for me"