Hello,

Im a new member on here, just looking for some advice!

I have a 2 year old baby with a nigerian (Ibo) man. He disappeared when i became pregnant. Moves area, changed phone number. We had only been dating 3 months (yes foolish). I stood by my responsibility, i had the baby. Daddy re-appears in our lives when baby is 6 months old. Says he never knew i was pregnant! Despite all his friends where he used to live/ex housemates knowing, He says he just turned on an old phone one day and saw lots of missed calls!
Says he wanted a DNA. No problem. I was hurt but paid for it. Of course it came back it was his baby,
Since that time, i have found out that he was in England illegally and he has returned to Nigeria a year ago when our baby was 9 months old.
He has never paid a penny towards our son, although neither have i ever asked him for any. I have never spoke too or know the addresses of any of his family.

Yet he will visit the England maybe 3-4 times a year. Come see us, claim he never wants to leave, he loves us, his family phone his mobile while hes here and he does speak to them about me and my son. So i know they are aware we exist. I just find it really strange that his siblings who live in this country have never wanted to meet our son.

He phones around once a week. Speaks to our son. Chats to me. Can get very paranoid and ask me whos been at my house, have i slept with anyone else, where have i been. Then doesnt believe me when i tell him the reality that im a single, working mum who really doesnt have the time or energy to date/sleep around!!!

He maintains that he loves us more than anything, And wants to be here with us, but, why is he not applying for study/work visas then Why is he happy to just keep getting a 6 mth visa renewed and visit.

I dont know how long i am supposed to 'wait' for this guy. I want to move on. Not that i mean in a new relationship, i just want to move on in my head and put the experience away!!

I dont get how one 20 min call once a week is enough for him. If i couldnt see our son every day i would go mad ringing and emailing asking for pics 10 times a day. My little boy has never had a xmas/bday card or pressie, despite his dad visiting england over xmas last year! He bought me chocolates but our son nothing.

I dont think hes married/has another family. As i know his parents and siblings are aware of us. They are not ashamed he had a baby with a white girl as his brother is with a white girl and they have 2 mixed race kids.

Im not some silly young girl. Im in my late 20s, educated, have a professional job. I work and support my son, i dont claim anything like a lot of English single mums do. I have lots of friends, a lovely family and home. I go to church. And although yes we were both foolish to not use contraception (i dont need anyones lectures) my son is without a doubt the most amazing thing to ever happen to me. And i dont regret it for a second. And no i am not a 'tart', i met my sons father after leaving an 8 yr relationship with the 1st man i was ever intimate with.

Sorry to say all that, but im aware i will get lots of 'do-gooders' replying, going on about i had a baby out of wedlock blah blah etc etc. I am a human being, that means i am not perfect and it means i have sinned. Havent we all??!!

What im asking for is some advice. Some days i feel that his intentions are wonderfull. Some days i feel im just being stringed along. He has never asked me for money. He has never asked me to marry him or help with his visa. So dont think hes a scammer. But in reality i know very little about this man.

I dont have an address or contact details for my own sons father (just an email). When he calls, he always witholds the number. I mean whats all that about?? If i question him too much he will say im a drama queen and a typical english girl who loves to create an argument!! He is the only person i have ever know to call me this. I have a very un-complicated life which is very quiet and peacefull : )

I show my son pics of his Daddy every day. When my son asks for his Dad, i say hes gone to work. But i cant keep saying this forever. Iv offered to take my boy to Nigeria to visit, but it was met with reluctance.

My family who have previously welcomed this man into our lives, now believe that i should cease contact as in the end it will mess my sons head up not knowing if Daddys in his life or not.

Would appreciate any non-racial, non-predjudiced advice. Thanks : )

I don't have any advice for you but I do have a favor to ask, please read what you just wrote and ask yourself what you should do. To help you along, I'll key in on the main points

He left you when you were pregnant
You don't have a # to contact him
His family hasn't come to see your son
He comes every 6months
He has not made any move to commit to you
He shows a complete lack of interest in his son

You said you don't know how long you are supposed "to wait" for him, my dear how can you know when he has not asked you to?

Thankyou for replying.

Seeing the key points like that makes me realise the brutal reality. I guess more than anything i just want to do the right thing by my son.

He does ask for me to wait. He will tell me every phone call that i have to be patient till we are a proper family. And makes comments that he would never forgive me if i let another man come close to myself and my son. I kinda assumed that was asking someone to wait.

I guess iv got to go away, carry on bringing my wonderful little boy up the best i can. He's the only one i owe any future explanations too.

Thankyou : )

Are you seriously asking us for advice? did you read what you just wrote? A man whose whereabouts is unknown, no contact, abandoned you, his family does not give a rats azz about you and your sone and you are here asking us what to do.

I can offer you a slap into reality from fantasy land if you want. Look I am not trying to be harsh or rude here but COME ON

I know i know lol

I have this big problem that i just want to believe in everyone and try and see the good in every situation. It has so far except for this experience gave me a good life.

I think a bucket of cold water on my head is required. (smiles)

I have a friend through church who says its a cultural difference and to just give him time! I guess she also has rose coloured glasses on.

: )

Me thinks he's jst ashamed not being able to meet up as a fada.Maybe,jst mayb he dosnt av a decent paying job and knowing u av 1 and thus almost independent makes him low in confidence.U shd get him to talk tins ova wt u wen next u people,i.e,his challenges in life.Furthermore,he may also b facing d challenge of d stereotyped western lady wt ha independent attitude who has even more rights dan d man in a relationship,dese can all mke a man lose a lot of self esteem particularly wen d present for him aint 2 rosy.I do tink though dat he's proud to b a dad,jst t situation right now for him is d handicap.Gudluck for him aint 2 rosy.I do tink though dat he's proud to b a dad,jst t situation right now for him is d handicap.Gudluck

..

I'm British, dating a Nigerian man. You need to move on sweetie. It sounds to me like he has a legal wife already.

@ OP: I don't want to abuse you but the writing is clearly on the wall. He doesn't have money, doesn't have a job --- and its obvious you should not be waiting so I'm not sure wht your question is ? Illegal immigrant got a white chick pregnant, you too, think about that ? U wan call immigration for him? He's living in FEAR and you are not his utmost priority. Move on with ya life.

Serpentine:

I'm British, dating a Nigerian man. You need to move on sweetie. It sounds to me like he has a legal wife already.

This is it. The dude has a legal wife somewhere and he is keeping the kid a "secret" not to screw his marriage up. If he is really shuttling between the UK and Nigeria, then he has the means to support his kid.

Perhaps, it is a situation where the legal wife is functioning as his "papers", which he eventually hopes that when the deed is done, he'd swing over. Regardless, he should be upfront and transparent about what is going thru his head.

Just like everyone else has said on this thread, moveon.org; no two way about it. A real man cares about his kids; I'm sure you want a real life, not a loafer who is just talk. At some point, you have to put your foot down and make the rules!

We had only been dating 3 months (yes foolish).  Daddy re-appears in our lives when baby is 6 months old. Says he never knew i was pregnant! Despite all his friends where he used to live/ex housemates knowing,  He says he just turned on an old phone one day and saw lots of missed calls!
Says he wanted a DNA. No problem. I paid for it. Of course it came back it was his baby,


He phones around once a week.  Can get very paranoid and ask me whos been at my house, have i slept with anyone else, where have i been. Then doesnt believe me when i tell him the reality that im a single, working mum who really doesnt have the time or energy to date/sleep around!!!

yup, he's a nigerian man. The bolded sentence in the last paragraph makes you feel he really cares about you, no doubt. Very special.

you paid for the dna test?

can these guys share their secrets with me because i need to know how to have the opposite sex swooning for me as well.

no be the same garri we all chop abi una own garri get different ingredients?

@ poster- hope he didnt play other away matches, during his visits. With the same results.



btw the guy sounds somewhat mental, no offence.

are you sure you're not better off without him?

And makes comments that he would never forgive me if i let another man come close to myself and my son

he wouldnt?

anyway, let me not spill the beans on my nigerian brothers here.

wouldnt want to spoil their goody goody image and the nice fantasies the ladies in various places have about them.

ur sons dad will come to his senses but not now. His real wife probably hasn't bin able to conceive that's y he did dna. who payed 4 the dna test? Anyway in d meantym u hav to play d role of mum n dad. Trust mi, ur son will turn out fyn, contrary to wot ppl say. Thank God u hav d means to take care of him. Chiledren r a blessing u r blessed.

Why are you asking us all these questions? You should be asking him all these. How are we supposed to know when you don't know? Its best you have a PHONE conversation with him on the issue. Be straight to the point about it, and don't take any diversions. If the guy makes you nervous write down all the questions you have before he calls the next time and keep it in a place easily accessible so you can ask these questions. Personally this is why 1 night stands unprotected are not advisable. Anyone that will do that is not operating at full mental capacity. He also seems to be a bit unstable. I don't think he is mentally all there. Goodluck

Thankyou all very much for all your opinions. Yes i know i probably seem very barmey asking for advice when the writing is very clearly on the wall. I guess i want to be able to turn to my son when he is 14 years old (and has an attitude with the world, as they all do) and say that i gave his father as many chances and as much support as possible to be involved in his life. But i have done that now. And its time to move forth with both our lives.

I have made the decision to block witheld numbers to my phone. That way, i am not stopping him ringing to speak to his son, should he wish to know his son then he wont have a problem leaving a number when he calls. But he wont be able to reach us now by witholding the number. And next time he is in the country, he is welcome to see our son if he so requests, however it will be in a public meeting place such as a park and a family member will escort my son, not me. Im guessing it will never come to that as im betting every penny i have that he will ring a couple of times, see its blocked, and never call again. I will of gave him the excuse he seems to want to clear out of our lives for good.

Just to clarify, to the person who replied saying its not advisable to have an unprotected one night stand - i fully agree. That however is not what i did!!! I didnt go to a club, pick up a guy and take him home!! Yes we were not together a great amount of time, and we were not married. But it wasnt an "unprotected one night stand".

And i also NEVER knew he was an illegal immigrant!!! I wouldnt of even gave him the time of day if i had of known!! I found this out when our son was 6 months old. And yes i realise i didnt know him as well as i thought, but you cant stop people lying to you. And i havent, and will not in the future go into things mis-believing or mis-trusting people just in case they lead a secret illegal life. Most people, whether they English, Nigerian, or of any race, are honest genuine human beings. Just a few bad apples that ruin it.

Anyway. Thanks again for your replys. Bless you all : )

^^stuff happens.

God will give you your own man.


the gifts of God dont come with stress and baggage the receiver cant cope with.

Very sorry to hear yr story Geez, however i have seen cases like these end up well eventually 4 all involved, so be strong. Can i also ask do u think there might have been or may still be some sort of Love between u and dis guy, or were u just sexmates

@poster
here a few questions, if i may:

- you said he "disappeared when you got pregnant, did you DIRECTLY told him you were pregnant?
- how can you expect the friends/old housemates (where he "used" to live) to tell him, if you claim he moves area and change phones a lot?
- did you actually expect THEM to bring him the news?!
- dont you think that your situation is just perfect for him? now he has a free place to kick his feet up in the UK (while pretending he "loves"you)
- what makes you think that his family doesnt want to meet/contact/know you? the link is THIS MAN, if HE doesnt want them to meet/contact/know you, they wont.
- have you even see his passport, let alone his visa? how can he come 3/4 times a yr on tourist visa?!?!?!?!!?
- cant you see that you are not the reason why he keeps coming back to the UK? there something in his life more important than you or his son, at the moment.
- do you really expect this "stranger" to feel exactly the same way as youdo about your child?!
- the fact that his family is aware of you doesnt mean he cant be married/dating elsewhere. so far, he could simply label you as a "mistake" and doing his "duty".

Be strong, everything will be ok