Why do men put their family before their wives? I am new to all of this and all I get from the women around me is: he will change. One proudly told me it took her hubby 9 years to change. I am close to my siblings but I keep my boundaries clear. Sweetheart on the other hand will dole out our savings to his family members at the smallest whine and forget that I have been feeding us for months just so we can change the stupid jalopy he currently drives. honestly its not fair and I do now understand why women (my mom in particular) hide their finances from men. Of course I can't tell him about it because he already feels I am against his family (as if that were possible). So, what do I say or do to make him understand that this is a very wrong way to start a marriage? Has anyone out there done something that actually worked to change this pattern? I am truly open to suggestions.

Sit him down and talk to him , let him know how you feel about him helping out his own family. In marriage one has to compromise.

is this money from a genaral purse or from you? If he has been used to helping his family before meeting u and before the marriage, it will speak no good if u make him stop doing that, moreso u don't want the family to label u a bad wife because he stopped fending for his family.

The way u sound is a bit funny, his car is a stupid jalopy - at least he has one - i will never downgeade anything my partner has, even at that things worst condition.

His family is his family - his wife is his wife - two different things - if tha makes him happy - common let him do it, as long as he doesnt neglect his duty to his wife and his marriage.

it's sad he does such.

I know its not easy to love your husband extended family, but if you really care and love your spouse then try to make friends with them too, about the financial part talk to him that house problem solves first before outside pple's problem.
Remember he was with the extended family before married to you, sonot east tojust forget them.
Goodluck to you.

Well, you could start by explaining to him that you are very unhappy--that this is upsetting you a lot. Explain to him the types of financial goals you believe the two of you have and how what he's doing is taking away from that. Try to get this resolved before you have children (or additional children). He's going to have to be the one to standup to his family and he will once he understands as his wife, you are his #1 priority--under God. Understand this--his family is going to turn cold on you when the money dries up. They are used to getting things their way. You may feel excluded at times. They will try to make him feel guilty and he may end up saying, "well, my wife controls our checkbook." So I think this is really about how you feel and what's best for your relationship. It's good your own siblings understand boundaries. One thing that really gets me about people who always get help from their siblings or other family members is there's no long term plan. It's always an emergency phone call. I need money for this, but with no plan to prevent that from happening in the future.

Also try to find room for compromise. Maybe the two of you can look at your budget and agree on a certain amount to help out family. Or you can agree to only help out family a certain number of times per year. Or to only help his mother out. But in any case, it would be good if there are longterm goals versus just giving the relative money. I've seen people give a sibling money even when they know they're being lied to--for example.

simply_me:

The way u sound is a bit funny, his car is a stupid jalopy - at least he has one - i will never downgeade anything my partner has, even at that things worst condition.

His family is his family - his wife is his wife - two different things - if that makes him happy - common let him do it, as long as he doesnt neglect his duty to his wife and his marriage.

I am trying to refrain from venting but to enlighten you, lets talk about the car. When I hear the screech the car makes my stomach turns because this car was supposed to have been changed a year ago. He was saving for the car about two years ago, while I took care of other regular expenses such as feeding and some of the bills and then one of his family members came up with an "emergency" and he gave the money away, (needless to say that family member has bought a brand new car today and tells us we have an awful car, and could have done better with the house). After this happened, I agreed to put up part of the money (while still catering to part of the expense of the car repairs). My half is complete, his has been distributed to the family and mind you, he earns a lot more than I do.

When you save a certain amount, it means you do what ou want with the left overs, I have no problem with that. But the same happens with all of his savings. I don't know what we would have done if I hadn't a decent job. We are both from humble backgrounds and I come from a larger family. I help my people as well with the understanding that my husband and kids will come first. His mom is not an issue but, his siblings? Something else.

You are obviously not married or else, you'd know that a spade is a spade whether you ride it or not. No matter how bad his car is I will say so but that doesn't mean we wont ride it together. Maybe now you understand why I hate the car so much. We fix it every week and why was I bearing all other expenses if we were only saving for his family?

One of the reasons I fell in love with my man is because he has a strong sense of responsibility which is much better than a man who spends his money in clubs on friends and strange women. Problem is, his family knows this as well and are taking him for a ride. I really want to maintain the financial transparency that we have but, if he's not going to use this money wisely, why should I continue to deprive myself for the sake of our dreams which he refuses to commit to? Afterall, I hardly spend for myself and I can as well go on "strike" and refuse to contribute to the home.

I have sat him down, I have argued about it, I have nagged, all to no avail. I am close to the end of my rope here and think maybe we did better before we were married when each held their own. But alas, I can't un-marry him now can i? I am really not a complainer by nature and look at what this man has turned me into.

What I need right now is a solution and I need something practical that will work. Any third party is out of it, my parents have been married for over thirty five years and have never had a go between. I take theirs as an example and want to solve this myself, in the confines of our home, without a third party, and without being labeled the witch.

You can’t take a man’s family away from him. First you must ask yourself this question.
Is he the only son in the family?
Is he the breadwinner of his family?

There are many things, issues and responsibility a man has towards his family. So confronting him on why he pays more attention to them than you would only lead to an unnecessary argument which may end up with a divorce.

So please I would advise you to let him be. If he didn’t love you, he wouldn’t have married you. Concentrate you mind on how to make him proud of you not at the attention he gives to his family members.

i think it is rampant with most men

some women do it too.

Hi Cenn,

Your husband is too generous. I would have told off that sibling mocking his car! It sounds like he doesn't know how to say no even if it means not meeting his own basic needs like fixing the car.

Anyway, I think at this point, it is time to look into going to counseling with your pastor or a licensed marriage counselor.

Also, it may work out better for the two of you to have one main account for household expenses and two separate accounts for discretionary stuff. All of my stuff with my hubby is joint, but I know women who enjoy having a joint account and a separate one too. They swear by that.

I agreed with you, but family always come first, even pastors preaches that too.