KINDNESS BEFORE MARRIAGE

After interacting with several married couples, I have come to a conclusion that pre-marital counseling should be encouraged before a man or woman selects a spouse. There is need for counseling before and after selecting a spouse. Once a spouse is selected, it is always difficult to call quit, even if there are glaring red flags before marriage. Some people are convinced they have chosen a wrong person and they are willing to quit before nikāh, but their parent may not agree. They enter into marriage while they are aware of its dangerous consequences.

On the other, some people enter into a marriage full of hope and certainty, only to find out they have been scammed. There are men who scam women with good treatments before marriage and switch off completely or almost completely after marriage. There are also women whom scam men into a marriage and later turn something else. This is why marriage aspirants need to understand that kindness or caring before marriage is not real except it is continued after marriage.

It is natural for women to expect their men to continue to do what they used to do when they were doing everything they could do to marry them. Women love attention, they can't compromise it for anything. Even if a man will change after marriage, the change should not slide to "ground zero". The best thing is for a man to surpass his pre-marital kindness. If at all there will be a change, it should at least be within average.

Some men will change completely from who they used to be before marriage - they will relax in their show of love towards their wives with the belief that "she is gotten, she is going nowhere". Some men even change right from the wedding night without any reasonable justification. When their wives ask why they have changed suddenly after marriage, some will say before marriage is different from after marriage. Some men would tell their wives "a man can't be chasing a woman forever" - meaning once a man succeeds in marrying a woman, he can decide to do whatever he likes. This shows these kind of men only pretend to be good before marriage, and once they get what they want, they begin to misbehave knowing it is not easy for a woman to withdraw from a marriage.

Consequently, young women should be very careful before selecting a man of their choices. They should look beyond pre-marital gifts, texts, calls, visits, laughs and jokes. All these are nothing if a man can't vouch that the kind treatments would continue after marriage and forever. Some men can pay any bill before marriage just to get what they want (marrying the woman). After marriage, they compel their wives to share responsibilities with them. So, don't be deceived - he might just be paying those bills just to get you. Once he gets you, he is done with you. There are many instances of this around.

Some men even misbehave towards their in laws after getting what they want. Men who are like this should fear Allāh and the Day they will meet Him. Allāh says:

وَا تَّقُوا اللّٰهَ وَا عْلَمُوْۤا اَنَّکُمْ مُّلٰقُوْهُ ۗ

And fear Allah and know that you will meet Him. Al-Baqara: Verse 223)

Allāh want men to fear Him and be careful in their dealings with their women. Men who remember they will account to Allāh one Day would not deal with their wives wickedly. They will neither take women as object of fun nor will they deceive them into a marriage and change to something else later without any reasonable cause.

Meanwhile, it is important to note that it is not in all situations that men change after marriage without reasonable justification. The change in some men after marriage is caused by the misbehaviours of their women. Some women start war, but they can't bear its consequences. Some women want good treatment from their husbands, but they are very toxic in their behaviours. Most times, when there is a reaction, it is important to investigate its causes in order not to pass wrong judgment.

Nevertheless, a man who is prepared for marriage must prepared for women misbehaviours and deal with them with patience and wisdom. A woman must also be prepared for some unforeseen shocks her husband can come up with and deal with them with patience and wisdom. There is better time to know a truly loving man or woman than after the marriage. There is no marriage with its challenges. Anyone who feels everything must always go well in a marriage should not bother getting married at all. Just as we are not free from trials before marriage, marriage comes with its own peculiar trials that can only be tackled with knowledge, wisdom, patience and prayers. Couples should avoid rushing for divorce in matters that can be resolved amicably. The rate of divorce these days is too high and they are caused by matters that can be resolved by mutual understanding.

May Allāh continue to guide us all aright.

© Ibn Abdillah As-sudaisiy Al-Iloori