Where did I put it?



a girl was standing talking to her friends when one of them said “why have you
got a tampon behind your ear?” and she responded “s***! then where did i put my
cigarette?”

Eye to Eye



Eye to Eye hat did the right eye say to the left eye?
Just between you and me. Something smells.

Hide the Duke



a boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner.
after dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes,
leaving him with the father and the dog duke, who was sitting underneath the
boy's chair. unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. he
stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

"duke!" the dad yelled.

"this is great!" the boy thought. "he thinks the dog is farting!" so he let
out another one.

"duke!" the father barked. the boy thought he was home free so he let
everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"duke! get out of there before the boy s**** on you!"

English teacher is busy



At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches
the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class
and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.

"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exhausted?''

''Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with.''

Farm Fugitives

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said, ''Meow'.'

"Just cats," he thought.

He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said, ''Woof'.'

"Just dogs," he thought.

As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said, ''Potatoes!''

migines very funny.

whatz dis copy and paste?
be ready to pay for copyrights use.

@tessybaby
Nd I'm sure you copied nd pasted dis msg as well.
Weit a minute, u seriously think nairalanders think up most of diz jokes?(u mst b kidn me).
U neva got to tell me wat u think so bout the JOKES so- - - i'm waiting.

Man nd wife:chap6

WIFE: *hits hubby wit a pestle*
MAN: *slaps wife hard*
WIFE: u hit me! U've nva hit me b4 why did u hit me?
MAN: one gud turn deserves another.

@Migines
sorry ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i was being concern dear
anyway some of them are really funny and
the others i think i heard them already.

EXAM HALL

Supervisor: there are no cellfones allowed in her due to xam malpractice.

30mins L8ER

Student:excuse me sir, can i change my sit?
SVisor:why?

Student: there is no network here.

Your jokes are jus crazy!. . . . . . . ROFLMAO!

Keep it up!

Exactly, "ROFLMAO"
thanx man.

Some self-evident truths about pets,

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Dog's have owners. Cat's have staff.

Dogs shed, cats shred.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.

We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?

Women and cats will do as they please, men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

Picking Your Nose


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Deep Salvage Pick
Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.

Utensil Pick
When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.

Extra Pick
When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equalled by winning the lottery.

Depression Pick
When you're sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.

Pick A Lot
What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.

Kiddie Pick
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom.
And the best part is, there's no time limit!

Camouflaged Kiddie Pick
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back
the smile.

Fake Nose Scratch
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.

Making A Meal Out Of It
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.

Surprise Pickings
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.

Autopick
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting,

Pick Your Brains
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.

Pick And Save
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.

Pick And Flick
Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.

Pick And Stick
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.

Pipe Cleaner Pick
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.

sleep
I love to sleep. It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious

Questions that have Confused mankind!!

a, Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"

a, Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there, I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"

a, Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

a, Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

a, If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

a, Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

a, If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?

a, Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

a, Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

a, Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!

a, What do you call male ballerinas?

a, Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

a, If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?

a, If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

a, If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

a, If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

a, Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

a, Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?

a, Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

a, Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?

a, Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

a, Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

USELESS INFO

1. Coca-cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
4. Dumbest dog: Afghan
5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
8. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
17. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
18. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%
19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%
20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC
21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%
23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%
24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%
25. Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105
26. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
27. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
28. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%
29. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
30. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3
31. Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3
32. Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonald's each day: 7
33. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%
34. Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%
35. Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%
36. Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5
37. Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.
38. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3
39. Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon
40. Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt
41. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage"
42. Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals
43. Only food that does not spoil: honey
44. Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)
45. Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
46. Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica
47. Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig
48. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
49. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
50. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
51. Polar bears are left-handed.
52. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
53. Eskimos never gamble.
54. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
55. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
56. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.
57. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
58. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
59. Your nose and ears never stop growing.
60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.
61. Hot water is heavier than cold.
62. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
63. They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.
64. Cream does not weigh as much as milk.
65. Starfish have eight eyes-one at the end of each leg.
66. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.
67. First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer."
68. There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
69. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
70. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
71. Men get hiccups more often than women.
72. Armadillos can be housebroken.

The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:

1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.
A Dentist says open wide.
A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?"
A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it’s up?"
A Bank manager says "don’t take it out you’ll lose interest"!

One life saved

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly,
"My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

Bob: Hey, Bill did you hear about the artists who held a competition?

Bill: No? How did it turn out?

Bob: It was a draw.

nice one all flavours

mimiko:

nice one all flavours

What's up You!

CRIME SCENE:chap1

A man is shot dead in his car. The car including the windows is bullet proof. All the windows were rolled up and all the doors locked. There waz no1 but d dead man in the car. (by autopsy, he dint commit suicide)
how is it possible he got shot?

Riddle me this:chap2

A reverend father witnessed a robbery scene. when the robbers saw him, they captured nd explained the whole scene to him, then left. When the police got to the crime scene, they were told dat the reverend father must have witnessed the whole scene being d only 1 around. The police went to d cathedral to get d father nd asked him if he witnessed the whole crime scene to which he answered yes. Wen asked wat happened he said "i can't tell you"

as we all know, reverend fadaz do not lie nd will alwaz help to solve problems so y dint he tell them wat happened.

Riddle me this:Chap3

To prove dat
2=1

given that
x=1
y=1
x=y => eqn1

1.Multiply each side of eqn1 by x
x^2=xy
2.Subtract y^2 from each side gives
x^2-y^2=xy-y^2
3.Factorising each side gives
(x+y)(x-y)=y(x-y)
4.Divide out the common term (x-y) gives x+y=y
5.When we put the initial values back in place we get 1+1=1
or
2=1

wats wrong with the proof?

Riddle me this:chap4

A cabbie picked up a passenger at the Omni hotel in downtown Chicago who wanted to go the O'hare airport. Due to traffic, the average speed 45km/hr was rather low and the trip to the airport took 80mins.
At the airport, the cabbie picked up another passenger who coincidentally wanted to go back to the omni hotel. The taxi took the same route as before, had the same average speed. The trip took 1hr 20mins.

Can you explain this?

Confused quotes:

1."Never say never because, u'll never know what will happen next"

2.After listen to FAZE's kolomental,  
"dance non-sense, make e no make sense, na the concept. . . . ."
is it now right for you to tell someone "dancing" to the song;
"you are not geting the dance step right."?

3.Why should ur mada call u a "son of a bitch"?

@u dont av ne idea? Or y d blank post?

A man walks into a country club, and asks to play a round of golf. The man behind the counter suggests he try one of their brand new mechanical caddies. The guy had just gotten his paycheck, so he had money to burn, he figured "what the hell".

He took the caddy out and it was great, it would tell him what club to use, what was wrong with his swing, and what direction his putts would break and how much. The man gets done, and shoots the best round of his life.

A month later he comes back and asks for one of the caddies. The manager replies, "I'm sorry, but we had to get rid of them." The man a little confused asks, "Why did you get rid of them, they were great." The manager explained that they were made out of metal, so when the sun reflected off of them, it blinded the other golfers.

Still confused, the man adds, "Well, why didn't you just paint them black?"

The manager replies "Well, we tried that, but then 2 of them didn't show up for work, and the others robbed the clubhouse."

these ur jokes nawa o