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Nairaland Forum / Entertainment / Jokes Etc / Roflmao By Migines (29359 Views)
Roflmao At This Picture. / Roflmao! / Roflmao (hope This Hasn't Been Previously Posted) (2) (3) (4)
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Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 1:22pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
My daughter My daughter called me at work to say I received a call from "Josh" at the bank regarding my account. So, I called my bank and the operator asked me what Josh's last name was and I explained that he hadn't left his last name. When she asked for his department, I said that I didn't know. "There are 1500 employees in this building, ma'am," she told me rather sharply. So I asked her for her name. "Danielle," she said. "And your last name?" I asked. "Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give last names." |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 1:23pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
Life After Death "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir," the new recruit replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine , " the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you." |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 1:25pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
College professor Tony, a college professor and a wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr.Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours." The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him." |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 1:30pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
A little girl asked her mother for ten cents A little girl asked her mother for ten cents to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness. "There you are, my dear, but, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?" "Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells sweets!" |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 1:32pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
Things Children Have Learned 1.No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2.When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3.If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4.Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5.You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6.Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot. 7.Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 8.Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac. 9.Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. 10.School lunches stick to the wall. 11.You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 12.Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 13.The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's lap |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 1:34pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
Little Johnny's Big Answer It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.” Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln." Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first. Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny is even madder than before. Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions. When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!" Johnny: "BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?" |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 1:37pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
And Who Are These for, Little Boy? Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for checkout. The cashier asks, "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either." The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?" The nine-year old say, "They're for my four-year-old little brother." The cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?" The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things." |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by pisces20: 1:39pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
@ poster guy where the hell do you get these your jokes from? they're damn good thumbs up |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 1:40pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
Little Johnny Gives to the Sick Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly felt nauseous. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?" "I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK.'' |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 1:41pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
Hell on your head A lawyer died and was sent to hell for his numerous misdeeds. Satan decided to give him a guided tour and let him choose the room he wanted to stay in for all eternity. The first room Satan brought him to be full of people standing on their heads in four feet of hot coals. The lawyer decided that such living conditions were not for him. Next, Satan showed him a second room filled with lost souls standing on their heads in four feet of sharp ice cubes. The lawyer said he was sensitive to cold and could not spend eternity this way. Satan then showed the lawyer the final room. This room had countless sinners and criminals standing upright in four feet of cow dung. All the people were drinking coffee. Although the stench was overpowering, the lawyer liked the sight of coffee and decided upon this room. Five minutes after Satan locked the lawyer into his final abode, the supervising demon walked into the crowd and shouted, and “Coffee break is over! Everyone back on their heads!" |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 1:44pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
@pieces thanks Handcuffs A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, of handcuffs.The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine. |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 1:47pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
Snakes don't have feet TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake. SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher, snakes don't have feet. |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 1:48pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
Latex Factory A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple." Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!" "Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!" |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 1:52pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
A pregnant Irish woman A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin is involved in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your Uncle from Cork came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my Uncle, he's an nutcase!" She asks the doctor,” Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew." |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 2:00pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
Ask yourself While taking a psych. course in college, the teacher had a habit of putting the following questions on an exam: "Ask yourself a question and answer it" Being a math major, I asked myself "Solve the following differential equation [* equation deleted *] under the following conditions [* conditions deleted *]" and proceeded to solve it. The next day I stopped by the math office to see one of the profs. Hetold me "Go away, I'm stuck grading your stupid psych. exam". I got full credit, and the psych prof. never put that question on an exam again. |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 2:04pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
Big Boss Man when the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be boss. the brain said, '' i should be boss because i control the whole body's responses and functions.'' the feet said, '' we should be boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.'' the hands said, '' we should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.'' and so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the a****** spoke up. all the parts laughed at the idea of the a****** being the boss. so the a****** went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. eventually they all decided that the a****** should be the boss, so the motion was passed. all the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the s***! moral of the story: you don't need brains to be a boss - any a****** will do. |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 2:05pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
A Few Philosophical Statements, Always take the time to smell the roses, and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek, nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators with a lot of bright people. It's always darkest just before dawn, so if you're going to steal the neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it. It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked up into jet engines. I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed on someone else. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis. It takes a big man to cry. . But it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. When I'm feeling down I like to whistle, it makes my neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 2:07pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
Height of Laziness Q-What is the height of laziness? A-Adoption. |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 2:07pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
Troubled Man A guy has a bad habit: He loves to hit pedestrians while he drives. So one day he's driving and sees an old lady with a cane and he decides to control his urge to swerve and hit her -- but he can't. Later, he sees a kid skating and can't resist hitting the kid. Finally, he decides he needs help from above so he goes to a church and asks the pastor for help. So after church, the pastor invites him to his house for lunch. They get in the car and start to drive down the street, and just as he starts to tell the pastor about his problem, he sees an old blind man walking down the street. He swerves toward him but misses, and the pastor says, ‘‘don’t worry. I got him with the door!'' |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 2:09pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
Lack of Vision 70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done." "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?" Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!" |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 2:14pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
No problem Everybody knows how gung-ho marines are, and how they're always looking for things to volunteer for, right? well, a marine sees a flyer that is advertising a project to cross a human male with a female gorilla. The flyer asks him to participate in the project for $500. the guy figures, okay, and he goes to the research facility where the experiment is going on. he walks in, and the project director shows him the gorilla. The marine thinks for a minute, then says, "okay, I've got three conditions. first, no kissing. i'm not gonna kiss that hairy beast. second, I'm not gonna spend the night. I'm gonna do my thing and leave." The director says that he has no problem with these two conditions. "so what's your final one?" he asks. "Well, times are tough, and I don't have the $500. do you think we could work out a payment plan?" |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 2:17pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 2:26pm On Sep 18, 2007 |
Amma hit u wit some more tommoro. u justrecover from this first. chaol, but i'm still online.like i said " i no get job " |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 8:36am On Sep 19, 2007 |
I took the key and manually unlocked the door. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocked. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. I took the key and manually unlocked the door. |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 10:30am On Sep 19, 2007 |
I want to be alone with you One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk with his mistress. He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a present of her choice. She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, "Oh, Erich, if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open the borders just for one day." Honnecker said, "Of course, my dear," but was a bit puzzled by her request. He asked, "But why would you have me do such a thing?" The mistress replied, "I want to be alone with you." |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 2:06pm On Sep 20, 2007 |
Solutions to riddles=> chap1: the car is an open roof convertible. Chap2:they told it to him in confession. Chap3:in step 4, x=1 and y=1, i.e x-y=0 (u can't divide by 0 ) chap4: 80mins=1hr 20mins |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 7:05pm On Sep 20, 2007 |
Mommy nd johnny johnny:mummy! Mr nd mrs dickson re fckn. Mummy:what! Johnny how do u knw dat? Johnny:duh, monday-friday is 4 dad nd sat&sun is 4 mr dickson. |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 7:06pm On Sep 20, 2007 |
Mommy nd johnny johnny:mummy! Mr nd mrs dickson re fckn. Mummy:what! Johnny how do u knw dat? Johnny:duh, monday-friday is 4 dad nd sat&sun is 4 mr dickson. |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 8:56pm On Sep 20, 2007 |
"Y re ppl making a big deal out of being short? D oda day, a guy walked up to me nd asked "how's the weather down there" nd believe me, i changed d weather btw his leg with a straight punch" NOTE: THIS IS A QUOTE. |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 12:23am On Sep 22, 2007 |
5 things u'll realise if u're being chased by a rotweiler. 1. U've got spidy sense.(u always think its bout to get u ) 2. Mt Everest a'int dat high. 3. U re faster than Maurice Green. 4.As far as flying is concerned, u nd "superman" re the same. 5. If it gets 1 more step close, u're dead meat. |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 4:42pm On Sep 23, 2007 |
"A dieing old man is like a burning library" =>African proverb. |
Re: Roflmao By Migines by Migines(m): 4:42pm On Sep 23, 2007 |
"A dieing old man is like a burning library" =>African proverb. |
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