As in. . . . .

Johnny nd mommy in church.

Johnny: mum, i'm tired i wanna go hope.
Mum:no johnny not until the pastor is through.
Johnny: then lets just PAY d God damned offering nd get da hell outta her.

Johnny is new.

Teacher:where are u 4rm?
Johnny: virginia
teacher:what!
Johnny: V. .I. .R. .G. .I. .N. .I. .A.
Teacher:oh! I tot u said something else.
Johnny: u tot i meant p*ssy dint u?

Johnny is new.

Teacher:where are u 4rm?
Johnny: virginia
teacher:what!
Johnny: V. .I. .R. .G. .I. .N. .I. .A.
Teacher:oh! I tot u said something else.
Johnny: u tot i meant p*ssy dint u?

Man nd wife:chap7
Man: I love u
wife: stop beating around d bush. Just go nd wait 4 me in d bedroom.

Man nd wife:chap8

Wife: I love u
Man: how much doz it cost?

U wunt blive dat dis dayz, even beggars will tell u
"oga, me i no dey collect old note."

nice
but y do keep u dissing women now

Wat do u mean? Re u refering to tessy?

Billy nd Bob:chap1

Billy: u say ur pop's more boxed up than mine but, we've got two swimming pools in my house while, u've got just 1.

Bob: datts b'cos armed robbers came nd STOLE the remaining 3.

Billy nd Bob:chap2

Billy: u are d most stupid person i've ever set my eyes on.
Bob:*raises voice* who u talking to.
Billy:exactly my point.

A teenager's ten commandments

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)

2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)

3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection)

4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)

5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)

6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow, just start them.)

7) Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)

Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)

9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it"

10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave'm in the middle)

Little Johnny at the neighbors,

Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby.
Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said "Now, son, that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all" said Little Johnny.

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand He looked at it's mother and said "Oh What a Beautiful little baby". The mother said "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why, just look at his pretty little eyes, Did his doctor say that he can see good?"

The Mother said "why, yes Johnny, his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.

Little Johnny said "well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!

A Childs View Of A Retirement

After Christmas break, the teacher asked her small pupils how they spent their holidays.

One small boy's reply went like this:

We always spent Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarted and they moved to Arizona.

They go to a big building they call a wrecked hall. But if it was wrecked, it is fixed now. They play games there and do exercises, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool and they go to it and just stand in the water with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks there. They all go to fastfood restaurants.

As you come into the park, there is a doll house with a man sitting in it. He watches all day so they can't get out without him seeing them. They wear badges with their names on them. I guess they don't know who they are.

My Grandma said Grandpa worked hard all his life and earned his retardment. I wish they would move back home, but I guess the man in the doll house won't let them out.

Leave It To The Kids

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "Im having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
"Then why did you eat him?"

One Brilliant Kid!

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the
middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly.

"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."

"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The boy thanked him profusely.

"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued.
"You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."

"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree,
, and then I paint the target around it."

Little Johnny at School.

The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is "beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use "beautiful" in a sentence?"

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."
Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn."

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn."

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said - "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said,
'Beautiful, just fuckin' BEATUIFUL!' "

New Rules!

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

Show and Tell,

The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for
"Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.

The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?
"I brought a Walkman."

"And what is it for?"
"You can listen to music with it!"

"That's nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?"
"I brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"
"Well done, Kenny.

Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!"
"Yes, I did. It's in the hall."

So the entire class goes into the hallway.

"Umm, Johnny, what is that?"
"It's a heart/lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going."

"Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?"

"He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'"

@ migines u too much abeg na johnny own dey trip me pass

talking irish (patatoe)

@lancaster
Personaly i also luv d lil johnny's. Lol
i will definitely hit ya'll wit some more.

Which do y'all lyk best?
@lancaster
av u tried d riddles?
I'm online 24-7=i no get job.

Billy nd Bob:chap3

Billy: u luk lyk u've been wallowing wit pigs all day!
Bob:Nooo, i started wit d dogs.

Nice ones dude. Keep keeping them coming. Grabbing a few for myself. And when are u gonna post the riddles answers.

@ninjabyte
When u give it a shot.
*smiles* thanx

Top10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Pe,

Top10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Penis:

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.

9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."

6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

4. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason "Why e-mail is like a penis."

1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind!

U almost got chap 2 ryt.
D simple answer is dat; they told him in d secret of confession.
4 d answers to chaps:1,3&4, try again.

Nope, he went with d key.