Three-day Revival in Warri

When I went for a 3-day revival in Warri, below are the things that happened to the people that came for prayers on the first day of revival:
1. A barren woman got twins instantly
2. A jobless guy got 2 jobs @ once instantly
3. A guy that wanted US visa got both US and UK visas instantly
4. A lady without hands got 2 hands instantly

Throughout that day, God really performed many miracles… so, my people started calling me Pastor Double because when people ask for one thing, they will get two of that thing. I warned them, but they didn’t listen.

The second day, no deformed person asked for healing. All of them brought money, which turned double that night! Halaluyah somebody!

My third day, serious problem started as there were kidnappers among the crowd. They kidnapped me immediately! But, I was surprised at the way they treated me like a king. One of them (probably their leader) even had to warn one of his gang members saying, “Ugochukwu, if you let anything scratch that gentle man’s body, I go personally shoot you dead right there!” Ugochukwu, replied calmly, nothing go happen to the man boss.

They took me to one beautiful mansion, and placed N100 billion cash in front of me.

I asked why did that. And they replied, “Pastor Double, turn it to N200 billion, na the governor’s deal…”

The Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

iotama22:

Three-day Revival in Warri

When I went for a 3-day revival in Warri, below are the things that happened to the people that came for prayers on the first day of revival:
1. A barren woman got twins instantly
2. A jobless guy got 2 jobs @ once instantly
3. A guy that wanted US visa got both US and UK visas instantly
4. A lady without hands got 2 hands instantly

Throughout that day, God really performed many miracles… so, my people started calling me Pastor Double because when people ask for one thing, they will get two of that thing. I warned them, but they didn’t listen.

The second day, no deformed person asked for healing. All of them brought money, which turned double that night! Halaluyah somebody!

My third day, serious problem started as there were kidnappers among the crowd. They kidnapped me immediately! But, I was surprised at the way they treated me like a king. One of them (probably their leader) even had to warn one of his gang members saying, “Ugochukwu, if you let anything scratch that gentle man’s body, I go personally shoot you dead right there!” Ugochukwu, replied calmly, nothing go happen to the man boss.

They took me to one beautiful mansion, and placed N100 billion cash in front of me.

I asked why did that. And they replied, “Pastor Double, turn it to N200 billion, na the governor’s deal…”

lolz, did you double it?

We still dey negotiate. Lolz.

A collection of nice sahara-infected jokes

Woman: Any wahala, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you didn't wait 4 traffic light.

Woman: Oh, I see,

Officer: Can I see your license pls?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for killing 4 people.

Officer: I see, Wot abt youя vehicle registration papers pls.

Woman: I can't do that, Officer,

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want
to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to where his colleagues were, and calls for back up. Within 1 minute 5 police officers circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!!!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: "Ah, e ma gba mi ke! Mo mon pe olori buruku ni bobo yen. O fe ko ba mi ni o! Ah, Jesu mi, iro nla le le yi o!" I bet you the lying bastard told you I was overspeeding & contravened the traffic light too!

Chukwudi had just read a new book titled, 'You Are The Man Of Your Home!'

He rushed to his wife and said, 'From this moment, you MUST know that I, CHUKWUDI, AM THE MAN OF THIS HOME… and my words become Law, which no one dare breaks.

So, you shall prepare me an epicurean meal this very night, and I will eat my meal, then you shall serve me an opulent dessert…

After my dinner, you shall go into the room with me and give me nice *** just the way I want it! Afterwards, you shall draw me a warm bath to make me relax. You shall scrub my back well & towel me dry & cover me with my robe…

Then, you shall massage me to relax all my nerves… Then tomorrow, guess what will happen?'

His wife, Amaka, replied, "Yes, I guess you will be explaining how you caused ya own death to ya late father!"

An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000, Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, handling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man, "Costs too much!

A store dat sells husbands has just opened in New York City,where a woman may go 2 choose a husband.
Among d instructions at d entrance is a description of how d store operates. You may visit d store ONLY ONCE!
There r 6 floors & d attributes of d men increase as d shopper ascends the flights. There is,however, a catch, You may choose any man from a particular floor,or u may choose to go up a floor,but u cannot go back down except to exit d building!
So a woman goes to d Husband store to find a husband.
On d 1st floor d sign on d door reads: Floor 1- These men have jobs & love the Lord.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2- These men have jobs,love the Lord,& love kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3- These men have jobs,love the Lord,love Kids,and are extremely good looking. "Wow",she thinks,but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and sign reads: Floor 4- These men have jobs,love the Lord,love Kids,are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh,mercy me!" she exclaims. "I can hardly stand it!"

Still she goes to d 5th floor & sign reads: Floor 5- These men have jobs,love the Lord,love Kids,are drop-dead gorgeous,help with d housework,and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay,but she goes to d sixth floor & the sign reads:

Floor 6- You are visitor 4,364,012 to dis floor. There r no men on dis floor. The floor exists solely as proof that some women are impossible to pls! Thank u for shoppin at d Husband Store. Watch ur step as u exit d building,and have a nice day!

Three women were talking about their sons.

One woman said that her son is a priest and every time he walks into a room people bow their head and say "Father." The second woman said that HER son was a cardinal and every time he walked into a room people bowed their head and said "your Grace." The third woman was silent. The other two women looked at her and said, "What about your son?"

The woman replied, "He's about six foot four, has blonde hair, and blue eyes. Every time he walks into a room people look up and say 'Oh my God!'"

Lol. That woman was very smart with the policeman. I'm sure she's somehow related to Warri.

ARareGem:

Lol. That woman was very smart with the policeman. I'm sure she's somehow related to Warri.

Lol. Her name na Ngozika of Warri I.

After losing interest in his girlfriend (Peju), Wale felt he’s done with her he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. So, he told his kid brother (Kunle) to tell Peju that he (Wale) is not at home anytime Peju comes to find him…

DAY 1
Peju: Hi, Kunle. Is Wale at home?
Kunle: No, he stepped out just now. How manage you guys didn’t see each other on the way?

DAY 2: same story

DAYS 3 – 7: Lies upon lies…

ABOUT 1 MONTH LATER
Peju was at Wale’s house as usual. She almost sighted Wale in the living room and Wale had no option but to quickly hide himself in the visitors’ toilet.

Peju: Is Wale in?

Kunle: No! Ah-ah, you guys keep missing each other. I don’t understand o!

Peju: Please let me use the toilet!!!

Before Kunle could say jack, Peju had rushed into the visitors’ toilet. She opened the door, saw Wale and before she could say anything at all, Wale echoed, “SURPRISE! SURPRISE!! APRIL FOOL!!!”

On a Sunday morning, Ayo didn't want to go to church so he decided to remain at home instead.

While in his living room, 3 heavily armed men came knocking at his door. Ayo decided to pretend like he was having his morning prayer,

The robbers broke his door and entered his house. Ayo put his hands together and prayed:

"Dear Lord, please touch the lives of some people today and let them become Christians."

The robbers knelt down beside Ayo and tapped him to open his eyes. As he opened his eyes,

Robber 1: We are already Christians and we are born again. Kindly open your Bible to Luke 6:27.

Ayo opened his KJV Bible and reads the verse, "But I say unto you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to them who hate you,"

Robber 2: Now, gentle man will you do good?

Robber 3: And gentle man, before you do that good, open your Bible again to Ephesians 6:6.

Ayo read the verse, "Obey them not only to win their favor when their eye is on you, but like slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart."

Robber 2: Mr gentle man, can you see that we are Christians now and that God has answered your prayers?

Ikemefuna is a house boy who every day drinks the wine of his Boss & add water 2it 2replace what he drank.But d Boss was suspicious & decided 2buy pasties (a French wine dat changes color if u add water)just like dettol.

Ikemefuna as usual,drank from d wine & topped it up wt water (2 replace what he drank).

But unfortunately for him,immediately he added water d pasties became milky.& when d Boss came back & noticed it,he knew he had nailed ikemefuna. Ikemefuna also knew d@ he was in trouble & decided 2stay put in d kitchen when his boss came home.

The Boss told his wife abt what he observed

"Ikemefuna!", he called from the sitting room.

He answered: "Yes, Boss".

"Who drank my pasties?".

Ikemefuna :No answer.

The Boss asked again: still no answer.

Then d Boss went 2d kitchen 2meet him there:
"Are u insane or what? Why when I call u say "yes boss" but when I ask you a question u don't answer me? "

Ikemefuna retorted hmmm oga "when u are in d kitchen u don't understand anything at all, except ur name"

"Is that so?" asked the boss, "Okay, u go 2d bar stand beside Madam, while I'll go in2 d kitchen,& u will ask me a question ".

Ikemefuna accepted.

The Boss was in d kitchen & ikemefuna shouted:

"Boss".

He answered: "Yes, ikem".

"Who goes into the maid's bedroom when Madam
is not at home ? "

No answer.

D boi shouted again: "Boss, I say who dey sneak to d maids room when madam no dey house?"

No answer.

The Boss runs back from the kitchen shouting "Wonders will never cease! Ikemefuna, It is true, when one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, except one's name. D wife interrupted dats not true its a lie witout arguement ikemefuna askd if she'l enter d magic kitchen & be tested she agreed.

Ikemefuna: Madam

I dey hear Ʋ fvery fvery well ask ya question

Who's junior's biological father ? Me or d Boss

Madam: :x rushed out of d kitchen
d kitchen needs 2 be fumigated I can't hear anythin too,

hmmm, thinking,

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

Halt !!!

Now its time for Church,

Judek2:

Halt !!!

Now its time for Church,

Now time to sip the vodka!

iotama22:

Now time to sip the vodka!

Combines it with some Cannabis,

*The poster runs Madt*

One day in the forest, 3 guys (Hausa, Igbo, and Yoruba) were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of cultists attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the cult's throne.

The don then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one nut fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man (Hausa man) returned with 10 groundnut fruits. The don then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy (Yoruba man) came in with 10 cola nut fruits. The don soon ordered him to do the same as the Hausa guy. After to the 9th fruit, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more cola nut and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the Igbo guy walking in with cocoa nut fruits."

A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.
She said, 'What does that mean?'
He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot'.
She said, 'Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?'
He said,
' I'm Just Kidding'

Boss says to secretary: For a week, we will go abroad, so make arrangements.
Secretary makes a call 2 her Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, so look after yourself.
Husband makes call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so let's spend the week together.
Secret lover makes a call to a little boy whom she is giving private lessons: I have to work for a week, so you need not come for class
Little boy makes call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week, I don't have classes 'coz my teacher is busy. Let's spend the week together.
Grandpa ( d boss ) makes a call to his Secretary: This week I am spending time with my grandson. We can't attend the meeting any longer.
Secretary makes a call to her husband: My boss has some personal matters to attend to, so our trip is cancelled.
Husband makes a call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together; my wife has cancelled her trip.
Secret lover makes a call to little boy whom she is giving private lessons: This week we will have classes as usual.
Little boy makes a call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't keep you company.
Grandpa makes a call to his secretary: Don't worry, this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangements.
Question - WHO CONTROLS THIS CHAIN ?,

^^^ ilike this one very very well

Nice jokes, But u stole a whole lot of them, Apart from the Kitchen and Oga own, Have read virtually all the odas on N/L b4

lol

WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'.

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'For reading a book,' she replies,

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with Sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

nobody can claim ownership of any joke. that is why they call it a joke.

Ijogz K:

Nice jokes, But u stole a whole lot of them, Apart from the Kitchen and Oga own, Have read virtually all the odas on N/L b4

Jokes are just jokes. He stole them? how he show the person gun? abegi, enjoy the jokes, if u no like am, blow whistle,

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing.

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose."What's wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

She is satisfied with this answer too.

At last the groom takes out his underwear and the woman exclaims "Oh no!! Don't tell me u also had Smallcox??"

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast, He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay, How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says. "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man replies, "promise you won't get mad?" "I promise! I won't" she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."