Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Hot. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma

They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who's in a hurry ?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.

I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first sight"? I said, "At the first sight of what"?

I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

brb?

Raving madness!

mikuz, was dat 4 me?

no,its just a funny one liner.

i see u