[b]Oftentimes, when receiving advice about marriage it is from those who are not really experiencing any difficulty.  They quote that the bible is against divorce but never really help with the problem.  However, it is rare to hear from someone who is having a really hard time in their marriage also, or have had such a time and either filed divorce or did something else.

I am in a horrible situation.  I married way too young at the age of 22.  It is 5 years later and this union just isn't working.  My wife is combative, she is always having some kind of fight with someone, which then leads me to get involved, and bring drama on myself.  My entire family does not like her and she has caused me to lose my relationship with them including my mom and dad who she has also insulted.  My wife is not physically attractive and has not taken care of herself as the years have passed, I have tried to look past this thinking of the teachings about vanity, but at times I just say to myself I really am not attracted to this woman. 

I have tried handling this spiritually, I am patient and loving towards her and share spiritually teachings.  But she is just constantly depressed and sad and wants to fight or complain and it is weighing me down.  I am miserable and cannot imagine this is how life should be. 

I think I made a huge mistake due to my young age.  If God knows we are just human, he must know we will make mistakes, so why should marriage be permanent in all cases, especially if it clearly an unhealthy marriage. 

I would like to file divorce.  Please advice from anyone who will admit they are either in a terrible marriage, not attracted to their wives, or their wives have caused more harm than good in their lives, and how they have coped or what decision was made in the end.  [/b]

@OP I am sorry that you are experiencing this.  A bad marriage is like hell on earth.  When you have tried everything and there are no other options, then you may need to divorce.  It does not sound like you have any children which is a good thing.  People make mistakes.  it sounds like you have. no need to punish yourself forever.  move on.

knowjack:

Oftentimes, when receiving advice about marriage it is from those who are not really experiencing any difficulty

All people have at one time or the other during their marriage, especially at the onset experienced some difficulty.

They quote that the bible is against divorce but never really help with the problem

Many Christians do this , and I think it is wrong.

No one can truly give good advice until he or she has experienced that particular or peculair difficulty.

However, it is rare to hear from someone who is having a really hard time in their marriage also, or have had such a time and either filed divorce or did something else

Many are, but they pretend.

I am in a horrible situation.  I married way too young at the age of 22.  It is 5 years later and this union just isn't working.  My wife is combative, she is always having some kind of fight with someone, which then leads me to get involved, and bring drama on myself.  My entire family does not like her and she has caused me to lose my relationship with them including my mom and dad who she has also insulted

First off, you did not marry too young , there are many prople who marry even younger and it works out well.

But there may be a reason for your Wife's combativeness.

The greatest problem I have found when analysing marriage issues in the Nigerian context can be summed up in two words.

1. Extended family interference

2. Neglect

Now hear me out first.

When a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife they become ONE.

You may have heard of that biblical injunction that says what God has put together let no man put asunder.

Too many a time, Nigeria couples drag their families into their private life , their deficiencies, their problems and other general issues. I really think this is unfortunate, because relatives are the singular most recurring cause for the break down of marriage and homes in Nigerian families.

Remember , and I am sorry to say , your WIFE is not number 2 , she is number 1.

Your dad is not your number 1 though you must respect and honour him.

Your mum is not your number 1 though you must respect and honour her.

Your siblings are not your number 1 , though you must love them.


If we give our wive's the first place that they deserve, if we listen to them, if we show them that we truly love them, if we do not let family interfer in our marriage, if we provide for their needs and care for their concerns, I am so sure that all the bitterness and anger in their hearts will disspear, they will become mild and mellow.

I have seen first hand in London how families wreck their sibling's marriage by complaning about the wife, she is lazy, dirty , she should get a job, she is the one preventing you from sending money to us back home etc etc etc .

Do not listen to them.

A loving relative will always give you advice from a neutral perspective.

One very important factor in marriage is forgiveness , compromise and Love.

Now I may be totally wrong, but please correct me if I am wrong.

However she should not be rude to your parents , that is just not on. Make this known to her with LOVE , not anger, she is your other half remember.

My wife is not physically attractive and has not taken care of herself as the years have passed, I have tried to look past this thinking of the teachings about vanity, but at times I just say to myself I really am not attracted to this woman. 

I am sorry but this is just vain talk.

The bible says that Beauty is vain but a woman that fears the Lord she shall be praised.

As a married man, I can tell you that beauty is not a very important factor , because over the years , especially after child bearing , she may not look the same.

Your love for her, should never be based on outward appearance, obviously you can advice her on the importance of taking care of herself and nuture her to achieve this goal but do not discourage her by making these vain statements, you will make her more depressed, angry and combative.

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." - Proverbs 31:30

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.- 1 Peter 3:3-4

I have tried handling this spiritually, I am patient and loving towards her and share spiritually teachings.  But she is just constantly depressed and sad and wants to fight or complain and it is weighing me down.  I am miserable and cannot imagine this is how life should be. 

Depression does not just happen for no reason, find out the reason.

I think I made a huge mistake due to my young age.

 

Mr I disagree.

Mrs next could be the devil from next door or Satan himself.

Be careful

If God knows we are just human, he must know we will make mistakes, so why should marriage be permanent in all cases, especially if it clearly an unhealthy marriage. 

You made the decision , you married her, do you want to dump her for another woman just like that without at least going for counselling and exercising more patience ?

Do you really think that there is a perfect marriage 

I would like to file divorce.  Please advice from anyone who will admit they are either in a terrible marriage, not attracted to their wives, or their wives have caused more harm than good in their lives, and how they have coped or what decision was made in the end.  [/b]

Not so fast.

Think about all I have told you.

Think about when you first met, how you fell in love, forget about all her mistakes, pray and ask God to help, go for conselling.

Most importantly , do not involve family except they are neutral.

@frosbel Thank you for taking the time to answer my posts. I appreciate your response.

You make some assumptions though. My family has never been harsh to my wife. it is her who insulted my parents, and has told lies against my sisters. It is like she cannot stand me talking to anyone but her. This is her doing not theirs. My mother did not feel she was a good Christian woman truly, like I said she can talk the talk but does not walk the walk. I should have listened to my mother and not married her initially.

Also, some people can be just jerks, and I think my wife is one. Nothing makes her happy. She always finds something to be angry or sad about. Always. no matter what I do.

Often when the man has had enough and wants to leave, he becomes the villain. But if the husband was beating or cheating on the wife, she would be advised to leave with no judgment.

This is my version of being beaten. It is emotional abuse and emotional cruelty daily.

I am not leaving her for another woman. I actually just want to be alone. And although another woman may be satan as you say, she may also be a true woman of God and not a fraud as I see my wife to be.

I am tired.

Again, I think you, but we may be beyond what you are suggesting.

^^^


There is a reason for everything.

Your wife cannot be combative for no reason, common , you are talking to marriage experts 

But whether you were ready to marry or not, it can still work.

I have seen marriages on the brink, were even divorce papers were about to be signed but God not only restored the marriage but over time healed it as well.

I have a question for you, who are you listening to for advice, remember you cannot bear this on your own, you need godly men and or godly women for advice not those who have no regard either for family or marriage life.

reckon with this statement :

"Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed." - Proverbs 15:22

You need good advice.

Honesly speaking the problem may be with YOU.

Wow you may say that is harsh , but have you evaluated yourself, have you humbly gone before God to ask for grace and wisdom.

I talked to this guy once, he was a white guy, always having problems with his wife, I asked him how he treated his wife. He always blamed her.

But then I asked him why can you not take the initiative and change and you will see her change. Stop all this blame game and criticism.

Please read this small article below.

Feeling sorry For Yourself Won’t Show You How To Save Your Marriage

When you realize that there is something wrong with your married life, don’t just sit there feeling sad and sorry for yourself. Think about what has changed to make things go bad. You need to learn how to save a marriage and figure out what you can do to save your marriage before it is too late. You must focus on the problems and see what you can do to repair or overcome them if you really want to save a marriage and avoid divorce.

There is always a solution and you just have to find the best ways to resolve the problems in your marriage. The conflicts in married life may often be due to ego but one of the biggest problems is misunderstandings and lack of communication between partners.


The Relationship Must Come First

So, if you really do want to maintain a healthy relationship, you should let go of your ego and and start worrying about your partner and demonstrating you care for them. Put your partner and your relationship right at the top of your priorities list. Begin the process of rebuilding your relationship because a broken partnership is bad for both of you and will make you both unhappy.  If your relationship matters to you and you really do want to understand how to save a marriage then it must be the thing you focus on most. If you want to resolve the problems in your married life put the other things aside and concentrate on your relationship


How To Save A Marriage By Looking At What You Did Wrong Before

You need to take a good look in the mirror and see if the person looking back is the person you think you are. Self-assessment or self analysis is a very important step in helping you understand how to save a marriage. Look at how you behave towards your partner and what you expect of them. You are not looking to get upset about your mistakes in the past but you must be aware of them. Understand that they were mistakes and accept that you did make them. You have to learn the lessons of what went wrong in your marriage before you can learn how to save a marriage.

Learn from what you may have done wrong in the past and get it right this time. If your behavior has been poor then appologise to your partner and work with them to help avoid behavior problems in the future. You must show them you have changed for good. Avoid doing all those hings that hurt your partner and show them you really care for them and that you want to treat them right.


Learning How To Be A Good Partner

If you want to learn how to save a marriage you must learn how to be a good partner. You must develop the capacity to listen to your partner and understand them. You must do more than just listen patiently and then ignore what they say. It is incredibly important that you try to understand what they are feeling. Listening is not enough. You need to understand what they feel and why they feel that way.

Ask them what they think about you and about your relationship together. Find out what it was that they found so difficult to live with. You must try to keep calm and talk through the problems together. They may say things that are hurtful but this is all part of the process of how to save a marriage. You must resist the temptation to get upset or argue. Understand this is what they felt, rightly or wrongly. You may think they are wrong to feel this way but that is what they feel and you must respect their opinion. Hopefully you will have the opportunity to prove them wrong by your behaviour in the future.

This works both ways. Your partner should do the same thing and listen to you. They must try to understand your feelings because you matter too. You are each a half of this relationship and both of you are important. When your partner is listening to you, that is your opportunity to explain what you feel and ask any related questions so you can clarify any doubts you have about each other.


Communication Is Crucial

Communication is absolutely crucial for developing healthy and long lasting relationships. You should share all your problems and your feelings with your partner. The most important thing in a marriage is trust. You should feel you can completely trust your partner and never be jealous about his/her personal and professional progress. You should feel confident that they care more about you than anything else but most of all you should both feel there is a fundemental honesty between you. This can only come through communication.


Consider Your Marriage In A Positive Way

You should try to think of your marriage in a positive way. Understanding how to save a marriage means understanding what is both good and bad in a relationship. Be happy about the good things and build on those successful moments of marriage it instead of focusing on the things that are not so good. Whenever there are some problems or you can feel bitterness creeping in just remember those happy moments that you spent together in the past and try to reignite the feelings of those times.


Marriage Problems Don’t Go Away Overnight

There will be problems and to know how to save a marriage doesn’t repair your relationship in a moment. There will be times when you begin to wonder if saving your marriage is possible. Hang on in there and keep trying. it takes time to rebuild the love and to regain the trust that was once there. Problems occur even in the best of marriages so when things feel difficult remember that it is all part of being in a relationship. When those problems occur don’t just get angry or panic. Stay calm and focused and discus with your partner what is causing the problems for you and ask them how they feel about it.

Article



This is good advice I am giving you.

If you have made up your mind and want bad advice, I am sure there are many who will do that for you on this forum.

@knowjack, if you can spare just a moment, read the story of this couple who almost divorced and now serve as marriage counsellors. I have learned a great measure from their stories & teachings. There is a section dealing with issues identical to what you're going through.

http://marriagetoday.com/   
About MarriageToday:
No marriage is hopeless. That’s our foundational belief at MarriageToday, and we’ve seen it proven year after year as husbands and wives discover restoration for their troubled marriages. In fact, our founders, Jimmy and Karen Evans, have experienced this life-changing renewal firsthand. The early years of their own marriage were marked with conflict, resentment, and disappointment. Today, 35 years later, they share the principles that pulled them back from the brink of divorce and helped their marriage thrive.

I wish you the best brother.

@frosbel  the OP is truly suffering.  He has tried everything you have posted.  It is not working.  it truly is not working.  Some marriages do not work and it is best for all involved to separate.  This is not bad when all other options have been explored.  it isn't.  Some people are not team players.  his wife sounds like this.  

I acknowledge your advice to him, it really is good.  But he has tried all of this.  This woman and situation sound horrible.  Are you advising he just stay and suffer?  Why would God want that?  The OP has stated he has tried all that you have stated.  how much can he beat a dead horse?  If God is compassionate and loving I am sure he will understand.

nodogma:

@frosbel  the OP is truly suffering.  He has tried everything you have posted.  It is not working.  it truly is not working.  Some marriages do not work and it is best for all involved to separate.  This is not bad when all other options have been explored.  it isn't.  Some people are not team players.  his wife sounds like this.  

I acknowledge your advice to him, it really is good.  But he has tried all of this.  This woman and situation sound horrible.  Are you advising he just stay and suffer?  Why would God want that?  The OP has stated he has tried all that you have stated.  how much can he beat a dead horse?  If God is compassionate and loving I am sure he will understand.  

Talking from experience, his marriage is still worth saving.

People divorce over bigger issues for goodness sake.

I still stand by the fact that relatives should just stay out of ther sibling's marriage.

I am not saying he must remain and die under abuse, my advice is to give it another try.

Biblically a divorce is only recognised in cases of infidelity. So if there has been no infidelity involved , then the worst that should happen is a small seperation to iron out the issues. Still this should be carefully thought through.

There are many serial husbands and wives out there , who refused to deal with the issue, went to another marriage and same problem.

Let us not be hasty .

I agree with Frosbel, just try and use all avenues to save the marraige, who knows, she might just change to a woman you never knew existed. I don't understand why she is combative, is she frustrated?, are there things eating her up, that she cannot bring herself to tell you?. Something is definitely wrong somewhere, because i really do not know how someone would want to live in perpetual sadness.

If my parents despite all they went through, can still be together today, i think any marraige can work. Moreso, you can pray for your wife, i pray for my husband, i wake up every night to pray for him, i pray to God for what i want in his life, and what i don't want i ask God to remove.

Exhaust every channel, and if it still did not work, then you can make other decisions.

@knowjack you sound like you have done all that is being suggested to you. I am sure you have tried your hardest. I have struggled with your situation. I chose to divorce and it was the best thing that I ever did. My ex and I were not compatible, it just was not going to work no matter what.

Divorce is a tough choice, but it is a choice. It is an option that you have. You made a mistake. Do not feel like you are trapped in prison for life and do not stay out of fear. My life is much better after unloading that dysfunctional and unhealthy situation.

Thank you all for your feedback. I appreciate the effort and time you have taken to respond. I do not know what I will do. As I head into bed this evening I am in alot of pain emotionally. I no longer want to be here or in this situation. I do not think this is the way God would want me to live. I have tried. Please believe me I have. But this may not be salvageable.

Marriage is a school. It's the first place your christianity and spirituality is tested. I know it's easy to dish advise out if you're not in the shoe. But you don't necessarily need someone with such experience to tell you truth here.

I will suggest you see your pastor or if you have seen him I would like to know his response. Marital matter doesn't always have just "yes" or "No" answer. There is peculiarity in each case. she is not here to speak for herself. But a pastor will hear 2 of you out. There are 2 sides of a coin.

I will also like to know,if these "behaviours" of hers have always been there or they began to manifest at one point in time.

Lastly there's no perfect partner, we bring the perfection out of our partners. The love we claim to have by the word of God has to be tested. There's hope for her change, but the "how" to effect the change is important also . Everybody can change.

The problem can also be spiritual also. Divorce is a last option . Even though it's a selfish option. It shouldn't be considered until you have put to work all you know from the word of God. But I strongly recommend pastoral counselling if you're both born again . If it's a spiritual problem, the pastor will know how to deal with it.

Where there's life, there is hope, and a living dog is better than a dead lion. OP, don't be the hopeless dead lion, have hope for your life and for your marriage. Jesus Christ our example is going through a worse relationship than you can ever have, his option out is not divorce. You choose to be like Him or like the holywood/hollywood stars.

Divorce has to be on the grounds of infidelity but i daresay are you ready to remain single for the rest of your life?

^^^^I am only 28 years old. Why would I be single for the rest of my life? There are people who are in second marriages that are much better than the first. People make mistakes and get into bad situations, so they leave. It happens. I am not sure what I will do, but the level of fear and rigidity as it pertains to divorce is saddening. People rather be miserable. I do not understand. I can't imagine that a loving God would want that, I don't think so.

Do you Attend a church?

@knowjack you are absolutely correct. There are many people I know who are so happy they left their first marriage and actually met a better person for them in the second. Both people did. The first match was just bad, it happens. Oftentimes, when people first marry they do not know what they are doing. They do not know what they are getting into. And make an honest mistake. You seem to know what you want to do. My advice to you is that you are going to get mostly rigid Christian advice of stay no matter how bad it is on this website. This may not be the best place to ask this question. Be free to live and enjoy your life. If you cannot do that through this marriage and you have tried then move on. That simple. No need to feel guilty or bad unnecessarily.

U are 28yr am sure ur wife is younger. This is why u should look into Frosbel's advice.
U both ve to work things out. Marriage is not a bed of roses, but its not also a bed of nursing pains.

If u both are born again while not go on ur knees together and asked God to help u? Why re u a believer? Do not use ur own wisdom to fight this battle, its beyound physical, pray for God to intervene. U didnt make any mistake, u ve made ur choice, u ve choosed ur wife, she wasnt a mistake then, she shouldnt be a mistake now.

We ve heard ur own side, know ye that the best judge is the one that judge with both side of a story.
Nevertheless, as ur wife is not in NL, i will advice u change if u are expecting her to change, she cannot be the only course why things are not working fine. Hand join wash hand na hand dey clearn pass.

What reason ur mom kicked against the marriage initially, may still be playing some silent role in ur marriage.
If she warned u against, and u still went on, then that problem has still be on.

U sound like ur wife is in pains also, and this may be her reason of been combative.
Keep ur family out of ur marriage and work things out to the glory of God.

Has she ever told u she is fedup and wants a divorce too?

^^^^Yes, my wife is also unhappy and has stated she wants a divorce. She may not want it as bad as I do, but there are women who love company for their suffering. So, she may want to keep me around to have someone to share her misery with, but not necessarily because she loves me and wants to save the marriage.

My mom could see that my wife was not a genuinely nice person or respectful and I have come to find that to be true myself. My wife has said some very nasty things to my mother to her face. These things were uncalled for and have made things much worse.

^
Are you born again, and do you consider your wife to be born again or formerly born again?

^^^^^
Good question ,

@knowjack,
Divorce should only be a last option and it's mostly based on selfishness. Its important to know if you're christian , I mean born again. Do you have a pastor? Have you two sought his counsel. Face less councillors online may not be the best help. We can only judge by your words only, we havent heard From your wife.everyone is right in his own eyes. That is why seeking online counsel maybe risky for your case. It's more like you want people to support you . You need a man of God who will sit 2 of you down, and hear 2 of you out. There will be a solutuion. You may be right , she may have terrible character. Some women have demonic problems, like spirit husband , curses etc. I'm trying not to go deep into that. But such things do exist. Such devils will make couples fight and fight over nothing. But once that demon is cast out, you have a brand new wife. I've seen it happen. Divorce is not solution. You need a man of God.

^^^^Please explain, what do you mean by spirit husband, and how does this happen?

knowjack:
@frosbel Thank you for taking the time to answer my posts. I appreciate your response.

You make some assumptions though. My family has never been harsh to my wife. it is her who insulted my parents, and has told lies against my sisters. It is like she cannot stand me talking to anyone but her. This is her doing not theirs. My mother did not feel she was a good Christian woman truly, like I said she can talk the talk but does not walk the walk. I should have listened to my mother and not married her initially.

Also, some people can be just jerks, and I think my wife is one. Nothing makes her happy. She always finds something to be angry or sad about. Always. no matter what I do.

Often when the man has had enough and wants to leave, he becomes the villain. But if the husband was beating or cheating on the wife, she would be advised to leave with no judgment.

This is my version of being beaten. It is emotional abuse and emotional cruelty daily.

I am not leaving her for another woman. I actually just want to be alone. And although another woman may be satan as you say, she may also be a true woman of God and not a fraud as I see my wife to be.

I am tired.

Again, I think you, but we may be beyond what you are suggesting.

Bro I can relate. You married a Narccissist woman