here is my story- i had a child with aguy about 18years ago when i was in the university, he abandoned me two years later with the child and no trace of him till today, i later met and married my husband( he had a 15years old daughter then from a previous relationship) when my child was four yrs old, he has been a wonderfull father to my daughter, he adopted her as his and till today i never had cause to say to him that - if this girl is yours you will not do this to her, she has always known him as her father. unfortunately i was unable to have a child for my husband(my problem) and after all effort my husband assured me that child or no child he loves me and my child is enough for us. my dilema is this, my girl is now in the university, do i tell her the truth, that daddy is actually her step father before someone beats me to it, im scared someone out of spite may say something to her, and if i do tell her, would it change her feelings for my husband? would it affect her psychologically? therby affecting her studies, or should i leave it for a while when she is more matured to cope with the info.

will really appreciate your opinion as it is giving me sleepless nights.

thank you

Do you really av to tell her? Has she ever had any reason to suspect he isnt her bio father? Whats her relationship with her stepsister? If i were u, i wld let it be until she has become a full blown adult.

if i was you i would've told your daugher when she was still very young. The reason being it would've been easier for her to handle the situation as a four year old rather than waitng till she reaches her early od mid twenties before you tell her.

Think about it. If she had known when she was still very young she would still be calling her step father daddy and as a child would handle the whole situation better than an adult and all this worry you are experiencing now would've been in the past.

@poster
whatever you do, it needs to be discussed with your HUSBAND first.

iyatrustee:

Do you really av to tell her? Has she ever had any reason to suspect he isnt her bio father? Whats her relationship with her stepsister? If i were u, i wld let it be until she has become a full blown adult.

she has never had any reason to doubt he is her father, but recently she was saying, why does she not have any physical resemblance to her dad, and you know people can be terrible, they may tell her out of spite  . her relationship with the stepsister is good

You need to tell her. I think it would be horrible for her to hear it from someone else. The best scenario in my opinion is that you and her dad (your husband) sit her down together and tell her.

//

The best thing you can do is to tell her.Cmo'n she will get over it,the sooner the better!

In my opinion, i think You discuss it over with your husband b4 taking any step.Then the two of you can sit her down and talk things over with her.I believe she would understand even if she might feel bad and confused at the break of the news.
But please whatever you do,dont fail to discuss the matter with ur hubby first.

some day she would know!  Now hv u discussed with your hubby cos i think he is the one that wd be most hurt if she revolts for the fact that you do not have another child together.

First find a good time to discuss with your hubby and agree on how to go about it so that whatever comes out of it he wont feel cheated out.

I have a cousin that has the same story and she is a nurse.  Now when she was about getting married she was surprised to find out that she is AS and her parents are "AA" she was devastated but i managed to convince her that the most important thing is her compatibility with her husband and not her parents but i know my uncle is not her biological father

@poster,pls tell her immediately in d company of ur husband.
I have a cousin whose mother died while giving birth to her. She had d baby out of wedlock and nothing was known of d father. She was adopted by her uncle n his wife. They treated her as their own child n u would never know unless u were told. They later moved to d village. She had a quarell with a villager who told her to go n look for her hometown,dt she wasn't welcome. She was devastated,but her mother was able to salvage d situatn by telling d guy off,n reassuring her. Today, she's comfortable n doesn't bother abt where she comes from.
Tell her urself immediately to avoid d pain n embarrassment of hearing it outside. She'll cry n blame u for keeping it from her,but she'll get over it.

I know my question is irrelevant to the matter now but I would like to know why you didn't tell her when she was four years old? Why wait until she is nearly twentyfour years old? This problem would've been avoided and a lot easier for a four year old to handle than a twentyfour year old.

This the best time to tell her. At least now that she is grown she will understand if you tell her that you had her out of weddlock. Agree with your husband first. I think your husband should be the one to break the news to her when you are together in a loving way. I recomend he starts by telling how much you people love her and how she has been a wonderful daughter to you(you need to lay it thick here). Then he will now let her know that both of you consider it wise to tell her the circumstances of her birth so that she will not hear it outside and be embarrased. She will ask why you kept it from her for so long. Assure her that you wanted her grown to appreciate the situation better. Before you break the news to her, make sure you pray. Ti's my two cents

It will be unpretty for her to find that out from others, its first your onus to tell her that but your husband can give you the support you need at such a moment when she is being made aware of that.
Put yourself in her shoes and you may be able to understand that it's long overdue for her to know. The next thing that may happen when she comes to that awareness will be "curiosity at who her real father is". You may not be interested in seeking out her father because he abandoned you with no trace as you said but do be prepared for questions from your child. Some persons in that kind of situations sometimes long much to meet their father and if that happens do give her the support and understanding she needs.

BTW you have one hell of a nice dude as a husband, I am referring to his understanding and support to you concerning birthing issues, his kinds are hard to come by in our community.

Ivynwa:

It will be unpretty for her to find that out from others, its first your onus to tell her that but your husband can give you the support you need at such a moment when she is being made aware of that.
Put yourself in her shoes and you may be able to understand that it's long overdue for her to know. The next thing that may happen when she comes to that awareness will be "curiosity at who her real father is". You may not be interested in seeking out her father because he abandoned you with no trace as you said but do be prepared for questions from your child. Some persons in that kind of situations sometimes long much to meet their father and if that happens do give her the support and understanding she needs.

BTW you have one hell of a nice dude as a husband, I am referring to his understanding and support to you concerning birthing issues, his kinds are hard to come by in our community.

thanks a lot, yes you are right, i may have left it a bit late, i guess i was scared of how she will take it. oh yes, i always thank God for my husband, he is one in a million.

thanks so much everyone that has contributed, im really pleased and you have given me the confidence to go ahead and tell her with my husband. i can assure you all, it will be done this weekend , fingers crossed, i will definitely let you all know how it goes.

thanks a lot, i appreciate this

would appreciate if you came back and told us the outcome. GooDLuCK.

The truth will set you free!!!!
You should have told her as a kid as has been pointed out already. She has a right to know.
Do you know how to trace her biological father ? Because she might want to get to know him.
It would not affect her relationship with your husband but would only make her appreciate him the more. That is if you handle it the right way.

Dear all,

Thanks so much for your advice and contributions, my daughter has been told about the matter, when she was told, the first question she asked was that does her stepdad knows he is not her biological father and when i replied yes, then the tears started, she later said she cried because of the way he has been with her despite knowing he is not her dad and never for once has he given her a moment to doubt the fact, that even many times she has been naughty or done something really bad and annoying to him, he never , even in anger said anything that will make her doubt he is not her father, she took it so well, more than i ever expected, she asked about her father, like how old is he, what dies he do, i answered as i knew 18 years ago, and she said fine, she does not want to know anything more about him, that as far as she is concerned, the daddy she grew up to know is her dad. she said yeah its ok she now knows, and that as far as she is concerned, end of story and that we should not talk about it again.

i knew she is probably in denial, and will have a lot going thru her mind and later may want to know her real dad, i will support her when she does, to find him. for now, a heavy burden has been lifted off my shoulders.

Thanks all once again for your advice and the confidence i got to do this. God Bless youy all

You are welcome. You are one of the very few people who come back here to tell us the outcome of their story and i sincerely thank you for that.

God bless you and your family. Keep supporting her through this journey.