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Stats: 1061022 members, 1231022 topics. Date: Monday, 20 May 2013 at 05:19 AM
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 9:03pm On Feb 18, 2012|
In an emergency ward of a hospital a patient arrived complaining of a serious back-pain. The doctor examined, and asked him, "Tell me, what happened to your back?"
The patient explains, "I came home from my night shift work early and entered my apartment this morning. I heard a noise and knew that someone and my wife were fooling around behind me. Balcony door was open so I rushed to balcony, and saw a man running and dressing himself on the street. I grabbed the fridge and dropped it at him. That's how I strained my back."
Doctor took the second patient, who looked like someone got hit by a car. The doctor asked him, "My previous patient sure looked horrible, but you look worst. What did you do?"
He replied, "What do I tell you doctor! After a long unemployment, today was the first day at my new found job. My alarm did not go off. I was running damn late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed simultaneously, and you won't believe doctor, but I was suddenly hit by a falling fridge."
Doctor took the third patient, He looked like someone who jumped from the plane and parachute did not open. The doctor was shocked at the events today. Again he asked, "And now what the hell is your mischief?"
"Well, I was sitting in a fridge, and someone threw it from the third floor."
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 9:20pm On Feb 18, 2012|
The drunk and his drunk buddy
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."absolutely nothing!"
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 9:31pm On Feb 18, 2012|
Segun was picked up on a r[i]a[/i]pe charge and was told to stand in an identification parade in the police station. He was placed in a lineup with ten other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room.
Segun jumped forward, and screamed "Thats her! Thats her! I'd recognize her anywhere!"
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 10:13pm On Feb 18, 2012|
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
* Thanks, but I don't want to Be Intimate
* Nope, no more booze for me
* Sorry, but you're not really my type
* Oh, no, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 10:34pm On Feb 18, 2012|
NEW Alcohol Warnings
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a ret[i]a[/i]rd.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy!
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Shagaiya04(m): 12:12am On Feb 19, 2012|
That's true, but it production ought to be stopped too!
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 10:09pm On Feb 20, 2012|
One day, a girl walk to her mother and look at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why are some of your hair white mom?"
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 10:17pm On Feb 20, 2012|
Moses, Jesus and an old man are playing golf. Moses hits the golf ball, and it lands in a lake. So he walks over to the edge of the lake, parts the lake, walks over to his ball, and hits it up out of the lake.
Jesus tees off and his ball also lands in the lake. He walks across the lake to where his ball is, his ball miraculously rises to the surface, and he hits it off the lake.
The old man tees off, and his ball also lands in the lake. As it is sinking, the ball is swallowed by a fish. A bird then swoops down and scoops the fish up into it's beak. Clouds suddenly appear, and lightening strikes the bird. The bird is killed instantly and falls to the ground. The bird lands on the green and the golf ball rolls out of its mouth, and into the hole.
Jesus looks at the old man and says, "Dad,(God) if you don't stop foolin' round, we're not going to play with you anymore!"
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ARareGem(f): 10:22pm On Feb 20, 2012|
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 10:25pm On Feb 20, 2012|
How are you my Rare Amnesiac wife?
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 10:28pm On Feb 20, 2012|
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responded by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Naturally the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and slink back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which the man responds at the top of his lungs, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN 200 DOLLARS?"
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 10:32pm On Feb 20, 2012|
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in her, isn't it?" "Yes, it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLRS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in her, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them" replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to her the profit in terms of lizards ad candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVETY-FIVE DOLLARS?!
That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that in here," the priest says.
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ARareGem(f): 10:34pm On Feb 20, 2012|
Very fine, Dr. Killz. Hope the same applies to you.
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 10:38pm On Feb 20, 2012|
A newly wed couple went to their lawyer to get themselves a divorce,
The lawyer wondered dat why do they want a divorce wen they are both good looking & newly wed, So he took both of them in 2 separate rooms & asked them the reason for the divorce,
1st with the man,
"I wanted this[b] ()[/b] , at least this ( ) , but what is this ( ) "
, then with the woman,
"I wanted this[b] =========>[/b] , at least this =====> , but what is this[b] ==>[/b]
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 10:44pm On Feb 20, 2012|
ARareGem:Yeah it does. . . Aggravated by the fact that you are healed of Amnesia! Never been better!
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 10:48pm On Feb 20, 2012|
What a women says and man hears!
What a woman says. . .
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears,
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 10:51pm On Feb 20, 2012|
Once a man goes to the zoo, he sees that all the animals in the zoo were laughing only the donkey does not laugh. . .
So on the other day when he again comes to the zoo, he saw that the donkey was laughing and all the other animals were not, and when he asked one of the animals, he replied that "we told a joke the other day, and he understood the joke today.
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 10:59pm On Feb 20, 2012|
The joystick experiment
Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my joystick erect, can you help me?"
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well, the problem is that the muscles around the base of your joystick are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."
Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?"
"Well," the Doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your joystick."
Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever havi[i]n[/i]g sex again is too much, let's go for it."
Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack, "Healed and ready for action."
Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening.
In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.
To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His joystick immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants!
His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"
Jack groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my assss."
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 11:03pm On Feb 20, 2012|
Tom is in deep thoughts is sitting calm, very quiet.
Jerry his best friend asks, "What is wrong with you, Tom?"
Tom: "Please don't ask."
Jerry: "I am your childhood friend. Talk to me."
Tom: "My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."
Jerry: "That's not possible."
Tom: "No, he did it."
Jerry "How's that possible?"
Tom: "He punctured my condoms!"
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by otooro(m): 9:17am On Feb 21, 2012|
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 4:29pm On Feb 21, 2012|
I never made it to medical school. You know why?
These are the answers I wrote in my entrance exam.
Antibody - against everyone
Artery - The study of the paintings.
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.
Cesarean section - a district in Rome.
Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.
Chronic - neck of a crow.
Coma - punctuation mark.
Cortisone - area around local court.
Cyst - short for sister.
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.
Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.
Dislocation - in this place.
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.
Enema - not a friend.
Fake labour - pretending to work.
Genes - blue denim.
Hernia - she is close by.
Impotent - distinguished/well known.
Labour pain - hurt at work.
Lactose - people without toes.
Lymph - walk unsteadily.
Microbes - small dressing gown.
Obesity - city of Obe.
Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.
Proteins - in favor of teens.
Pulse - grain.
Pus - small cat.
Red blood count - Dracula.
Secretion - hiding anything.
Tablet - small table.
Ultrasound - radical noise.
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 4:36pm On Feb 21, 2012|
Sutoboy & Otooro both lost their wives and were searching for them when they bumped into each other "Where are you hurrying to?" asked Sutoboy
"I lost my wife!"
"Really? Even mine. How did yours look like?"
"hmm, She was tall, slim, had huge t[i]it[/i]s, sexy soft and sweet asss, she was wearing a mini skirt at last, What about you?"
"Forget mine lets search for yours!" replied Sutoboy. . .
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 10:18am On Feb 22, 2012|
The Nudist Colony
Eli joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around.
A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erektion. The woman notices his erektion, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Eli replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erektion, it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him toward her, and happily lets him have his way with her.
Eli continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down and farts. Within a few seconds, a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erektion lumbers out of the steam toward him.
The huge man says, "Sir, did you call for me?"
Eli replies, "No, what do you mean?"
"You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man easily spins Eli around and has his way with him.
Eli rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling Unclad receptionist: "May I help you?"
Eli says, "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 enrollment fee."
The receptionist says, "But sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities, "
Eli replies, "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a errection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 10:34am On Feb 22, 2012|
A guy and his girlfriend enter a theater.
The girl is wearing a micro mini skirt. There was a bee around, the buzz of a bee can be heard and after the movie starts, the bee gets into her skirt.
What does it bite? (Scroll down for the answer)
The guy's hand!
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 10:43am On Feb 22, 2012|
One morning two priests head to the showers. It isn't until they were already in the shower, that they realized they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides he'll run back for the soap. Rather than get dressed, he peeks out into the hallway, and since no one is around, he decides to make a run for it.
He gets the two bars of soap and checks the hall before heading back to the showers. All was clear, so he makes a break for it. Just as he turns the corner to the showers, he spots three nuns walking toward him. With nowhere to go, and hoping that the nuns will think he is a statue, he stands perfectly still, holding the two bars of soap.
The nuns approach and the first nun says, "Oh my, look at that! Isn't that the most life-like statue you've ever seen?" She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priest's weenie. Startled, he drops the first bar of soap.
"Oh Heavens," she exclaims, "I got a bar of soap!"
The second nun is also amazed at how realistic the statue looks, so she steps in for a closer look. She takes a couple of yanks on the priest's weenie, and he drops the other bar of soap.
"My goodness, I got a bar of soap also!"
The nuns can't believe it.
The third nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a few tugs to the priest's weenie.
"My God, this is amazing," she says, "I got liquid soap!"
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 11:38am On Feb 22, 2012|
A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to notice all the different kind of bo[i]o[/i]bs?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't, there are all kinds of bosoms, depending on a woman's age-- In her twenties, a woman's breastss are like melons,round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry, "
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of weenies are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's weenie is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties,it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
Yep, dried up and the spheres are only there for decoration, "
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 4:36pm On Feb 22, 2012|
The new Reporter
A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment. He submitted the following report to his editor. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her brea[i]s[/i]ts."
The Editor scolded the new reporter, "This is a family paper. We don't use words like brea[i]s[/i]ts around here. Now go back and write something more appropriate!"
The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . ) "
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Mad Dog!!!(m): 4:51pm On Feb 22, 2012|
Oh God! I drop my assigment cos of jokes here!!! I cant stop reading chai!!
especially those ones on pg1.
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 5:35pm On Feb 22, 2012|
Honeric: How much for a haircut ?
Barber: N250 sir !
Honeric: Ok, how much for a shave ?
Barber: N80 sir !
Honeric: Well, shave my head!
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by otooro(m): 5:41pm On Feb 22, 2012|
hmmnn. . . . make i chop finish b4 i laff
before food go comot from my nose!
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 9:13pm On Feb 22, 2012|
The Priest & His C[i]o[/i]ck
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out behind the parish manse. He had a C[i]o[/i]ck rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the C[i]o[/i]ck rooster went missing, and because the priest had heard that C[i]o[/i]ck fights occurred in the village, he decided to question his parishioners about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got aC[i]o[/i]ck ?"
All the men stood up. . .
"No, No, " he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a C[i]o[/i]ck ?"
All the women stood up.
"No, No", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a C[i]o[/i]ck that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, No", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY C[i]o[/i]ck ?"
All the nuns, and the two priests stood up. . .
|Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by ~Killz~(m): 9:23pm On Feb 22, 2012|
Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting that he can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"Mommy, mommy! I was at the playground, and daddy and, "
Mommy tells him to slow down, and that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her: "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy, "
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
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