Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . - Jokes Etc (7) - Nairaland
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Men Vs Women / Gender War Jokes (Men vs. Women) / Nigerian Jokes (2) (3) (4)
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| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 9:45pm On Feb 22, 2012 |
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together." A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs." |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 9:59pm On Feb 22, 2012 |
300% Impotent! A woman went to her doctor and complained that her husband was 300% impotent. The doctor replied ,"I 'm not sure I understand what you mean ." She answered , "Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition he burned his tongue and broke his fingers".    |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 10:07pm On Feb 22, 2012 |
So you think you are Smart So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it." OK, relax, clear your mind and, lets begin. Don't scroll down until you have the answer and don't cheat!  ******* 1. What do you put in a toaster? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.  If you said, "bread," go to Question 2. ******* 2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next question. Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. If you said "water" then proceed to question 3. ******* 3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing here reading these questions? If you said "glass," then! go on to Question 4. ********* 4. Its twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany(If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in "no man's land"? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated. If you said, "Don't bury the survivors", then proceed to the next question. ********* 5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Sweden, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on In Carmarthen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU! Read the question carefully |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 5:51pm On Feb 23, 2012 |
Little Johnny was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one.  Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking off their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asked Little Johnny, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!" Little Johnny replied, "My mom and dad told me that if I ever watched anybody UnCloth, I'd turn to stone. . . and I think its happening I feel something hard under my pants!"   |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 5:54pm On Feb 23, 2012 |
One day a young boy and girl meet in a garden where the grass is upto their shoes.The boy asks the girl "Should we do it?". The girl says "Not now." They further go up where the grass comes to the knees.The boy again asks "Should we do it?". The girl again says "Not now." They further go up where the grass reaches to their neck level. The boy impatiently asks "Now should we do it?". The girl again says "Not now." They further go up where the grass is above their heads. The boy(losing his patience) asks "Now should we do it?". . . . . . . . . The girl finally says "Yes. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . And both start cutting the grass. And what were you thinking dirty mind |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 6:13pm On Feb 23, 2012 |
FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET! FIRST, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO. It's CRAZY how accurate this is! 1) Pick your favorite number between 1-8 2) Multiply by 3 then 3) Add 3 4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator, ) 5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number, 6) Add the digits together Now Scroll down . . . . . . With that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below: 1. dani1luv 2. Sutoboy 3. Skales 4. DONkollione 5. Booqee 6. Otooro 7. Mikuz 8. Bin Gbagbo 9. ~Killz~ I know. . . . . i just have that effect on people. . . . one day you too, can be like me. . . . Believe it!  P.S. Stop picking different numbers! I'M YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!  |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Shagaiya04(m): 2:30pm On Feb 24, 2012 |
Excellonte!! Guest what? . I got almost every quesh you queshed right. 30% isn't that bad. |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 4:25pm On Feb 24, 2012 |
The Letter of Proposal A chap was deeply in love with this pretty girl, whom he wanted. But he did not have the courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to go alone and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote a letter of proposal to her. HE WROTE : Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much mediation, I have a strong indication to become your relation. As to my educational qualification, it is no exaggeration or fabrication, that I have passed my matriculation examination (no doubt without any hesitation and very little preparation). What do you say to the solemnization of our marriage celebration according to the glorification of modern civilization and with a view to the expansion of the population of present generation. On your approbation of the application, I shall make preparation to improve my situation, and if such obligation is worthy of consideration it will be our argumentation of the joy and exaltation of our joint dissimilation. Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion; To remain victim of your fascination. SHE ANSWERED : Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination, Congratulation for your lengthy narration of course full of affection aimed at an affiliation for a combination which on examination I find is a fine presentation of your ambition. You have passed your matriculation with little preparation, what about my graduation after a long botheration, so improve situation in education and make an application by acquisition of post graduation and minimum qualification for the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation undergo beautification. Further strict observation of the following conditions is the regulation for the determination of our relation. 1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection. 2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim of any fascination and, 3. Procreation must not be your recreation. In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of paper conversation. I Remain, unaffected by your affection. |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 4:29pm On Feb 24, 2012 |
The Weight Loss Program A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb.as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads: "If you catch me, you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself to discover that he has lost another 20 lb as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and he runs like hell to open the door. When he opens the door he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine." |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 5:35pm On Feb 24, 2012 |
Husband installation A desperate woman writes to the Technical support Guy! Dear Tech Support , Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5, 0 . In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and FOOTBALL 4.1 Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate Woman *********************************************** DEAR DESPERATE Madam, First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: i thought you loved me and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly, You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7. Good Luck Madam! |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 6:38pm On Feb 24, 2012 |
The Dentures This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached ten minutes, The second Sunday, he preached only twenty minutes But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes. When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way. The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures, and I couldn't stop talking! |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 6:54pm On Feb 24, 2012 |
Typical Women A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site. After junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile. Women!! She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure. People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was. The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called. Junior said "The subscriber you have dialed is not available at the moment. Please Try Again Later. . ." |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 9:27pm On Feb 24, 2012 |
The Portrait An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted, She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things." "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and. . . I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry. |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 9:30pm On Feb 24, 2012 |
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, 'Children are a gift from God,' he said. Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we wear raincoats.' And the congregation said, 'Amen' |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 10:46pm On Feb 24, 2012 |
Area 51 You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as Area 51? Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base, They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-thing" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane, only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said,Do anything you want to me, lock me up, throw away the key, ANYTHING you want! But my wife is in the plane with me and you have GOT to tell her where I was last night! |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by sutoboy(m): 7:11am On Feb 25, 2012 |
Area 52 speechless! |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 9:53pm On Feb 25, 2012 |
A WIFE'S PRAYER. . . . Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man, Love to forgive him, and Patience for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I'll beat him to death. . .AMEN! |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 10:20pm On Feb 25, 2012 |
Man and a Women driving on the road (Visual Joke) . . . . . A woman is driving on the road . . . . . A man is driving in the opposite direction, on that same road . . . . . . When they pass each other, the woman rolls down her window and shouts HORSE! Immediately the man shouts back BI[b]T[/b]CH! . . . . . . The man laughs because he is happy to have reacted so quickly to the shouting woman, and takes the turn in the road with high speed He has an accident with a HORSE . . . . . . . .
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| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 10:24pm On Feb 25, 2012 |
. . . . .And the moral of the story is that Men NEVER understand what women say! |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Davo93(m): 10:30pm On Feb 25, 2012 |
The Joke contest final is finally on at FeelJoke, be part of it by LIKING this post. Please the link is CLICK HERE! Your Boy, ADETULA DAVID |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 4:16pm On Feb 27, 2012 |
The Raise Maid asked for a pay raise, Madam was very upset about this and asked, 'Now Maria, why do you want an increase?' Maria: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you. Madam: Who said you iron better than me? Maria: The Master said so. Madam: Oh. Maria. The second reason is that I am a better cook than you. Madam: Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I? Maria: 'The Master did.' Madam. Maria: My third reason is that I am a better lover than you. Madam (very angry now): Did the Master say so as well? Maria: No Madam, the driver did! |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 4:22pm On Feb 27, 2012 |
ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF HOW MEN ARE SO SIMPLE & WOMEN SO COMPLICATED. At the college, male & female students were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.' Females wrote : When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, then, it is spiritually and morally acceptable to the society that they both engage themselves in the act of physical sex with one another. (((Story Story?. . . Story! )))Men wrote : 'I Lov[i]e[/i] sex. |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 12:46pm On Mar 01, 2012 |
Bathtime fun A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore. His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more. "Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling. "Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on. He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily. "If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom. When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath. A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer "What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily. "Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle." |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 12:55pm On Mar 01, 2012 |
A Economist opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car camealong and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterlyabout the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!" he whined." You Economist's are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!" "Oh my God," replied the Economist, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. "Where's my Rolex?!?" |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 1:10pm On Mar 01, 2012 |
In a train compartment, there are three men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the Intimate. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." Naturally, all three fork over the money, and then the girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There!" |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 2:19pm On Mar 01, 2012 |
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain" "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say" "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 3:23pm On Mar 01, 2012 |
This guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old, still working fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". . . . . . . . .The next day someone stole it! |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 10:31pm On Mar 01, 2012 |
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."  "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 10:09am On Mar 08, 2012 |
At a Mosque fund raising ceremony for a bigger Mosque, Many guests that could not come sent cheques. The Alfa read out the donations and this is what happened: Alhaji Bali N2 million Allau Akbar! , Alhaji Dosumu N20 million Allah Akbar!! When he saw the next cheque, he paused and appeared confused, then he screamed. Alhaji D-A-N-G-O-T-E N800 million! PRAISE THE LORD! And all the Muslims replied HALLELUYAH! |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by Killz3(m): 10:14am On Mar 08, 2012 |
JOB INTERVIEW! INTERVIEWER: Tell me the opposite of Good. EJIRO: Bad. , INTERVIEWER: Come. EJIRO: Go INTERVIEWER: Ugly EJIRO: Fine INTERVIEWER: U're wrong! EJIRO: U're right! INTERVIEWER: Shut up! EJIRO: Keep talking! INTERVIEWER: Ok now stop all that. EJIRO: Ok now carry on all that. INTERVIEWER: Get out! EJIRO: Come in! INTERVIEWER: Oh my God. EJIRO: Oh my Devil. INTERVIEWER: U're Rejected. EJIRO: I'm selected. . . |
| Re: Men Vs Women Gender Jokes. . . by eldav(m): 10:25am On Mar 08, 2012 |
~Killz~: ROFLMAO |
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