thanks for your comment

projem:

DEAR NAIRALANDERS,
i live abroad with my husband of 9months, and his younger brother (20yrs old) who is studying here. the problem i have is this, this boy talks rudely, does not wash or clean anything, he prefers sleeping and waking up in mess and he doesn't care,we are not friends because he doesn't talk to me but he eats my food, i stopped dishing his food cos sometimes when you tell him his food is dished he will tell me he doesn't want to eat and he goes out to buy fast-food or something. he makes a mess of the dustbin and he doesn't take it out. he leaves his plate unwashed when he eats, whenever he bathes the bathroom is always in a mess and i take my time to clean the house everyday. i was mad one day when i pepared a particular food for my husband which said he doesn't eat, i went to rest and by the time i was out he was eating the food and messed the kitchen up,God i was furious but i didn't say a word, i just made another meal for my husband. and he is used to eating more than 1 meat or if we have two left in the pot, he will just eat the whole thing. and lastly i hate the way he looks at me like he wants to know why i stand up, sit, walk or even stand. he doesn't knock when he want to come into our room, he is always behaving like shebi its my brothers money or stuff. im so fed up. LIVING WITH INLAWS HAS NEVER BEEN EASY ACCORDING TO WHAT PEOPLE SAY. i feel like going back to naija, cos i dont have any privacy here.
everyone that knows me knows i am a very nice person, i have tired to make friends with me but he is just too wierd for my liking,but i dont like when people cant put themselves in their place.

Whenever i tell my husband that his bro has done this or that he will tell me to keep quiet, and he doesn't correct him, he sees all these things too.

I think i needed to tell you my story because i am about explode. i have been bottling this up for a long time.

Just ignore him and face your family. As in ignore him to the last.

talk to him. simple!

Poster I do not support the constant reporting to his brother. first have a talk with him, I suppose you are older, call him and talk with him not confront him oh, tell him how you feel about the constant mess and you will greatly appreciate it if he can clean after himself. Also draw up a list of the things you will do and what you will expect him to do too. Explain to him that you will like to respect him and give him his space and expect the same in return. Ask him to forgive and forget any bad past expereinece and you will do the same.
If that fails, sit with your husband and explain this to him. Always draw boundaries and dont make it a "my brother" vs "my husband" competition, its your house too, and sometimes respect is not dashed you have to earn it. You dont earn it by constantly reporting, you dont earn it by confrontations and fights, you earn it by wisdom. Dont clean up after him, draw up a work timetable and let your husband approve it. Its the constant bickering your husand may not want to get caught in the middle of.
I dont think he married you to be his brothers maid, have a family meeting between the 3 of you and sort it out. I wish you the best

Ronke, he wont be easy to ignore, especially when you share the same kitchen and bathroom.

@ op, sorry but I think the guy will have to move out. But seeing as your husband is able to tell you to keep quiet in this situation, I am truly sorry for you.

You need to face your husband . . he has to talk some sense into his brother until he changes . . or the brother will have to move out.

Hahahahahahahaha! You tell your husband and he tells you to KEEP QUIET. Nice , that means you left a huge chunk of the story out. Especially the part where we should have blamed you. Since you told the story in a way that we can only condemn the poor little guy, and crownd it by telling us that your husband who brought you to south africa never said or did anything to the boy, i must say that you are even more wicked than you know. Liaaar.

Get your own blood brother to talk some sense into his dumb skull or possibly beat him up, life is too short to take rubbish from fools masquerading as inlaws,

Who was first in the house - you or the brother?


And quite frankly, the things you are moaning about are 'women household chores'.

Do you want him to act like your houseboy?

Sam Milla:

Hahahahahahahaha! You tell your husband and he tells you to KEEP QUIET. Nice , that means you left a huge chunk of the story out. Especially the part where we should have blamed you. Since you told the story in a way that we can only condemn the poor little guy, and crownd it by telling us that your husband who brought you to south africa never said or did anything to the boy, i must say that you are even more wicked than you know. Liaaar.

Bros wetin bi ur own. We talk say make u com separate fight na cause u de cause. U follow ur wife fight b4 U com dis forum.

poster

i guess you didnt know who you married or the family you married into. I feel sorry for you.

whose house is it? did you migrate to where they are staying? and if you were in Nigeria would you be complaining about all these things or take action like calling the little bastards mother and ratting him out to her.

Sam Milla:

Hahahahahahahaha! You tell your husband and he tells you to KEEP QUIET. Nice , that means you left a huge chunk of the story out. Especially the part where we should have blamed you. Since you told the story in a way that we can only condemn the poor little guy, and crownd it by telling us that your husband who brought you to south africa never said or did anything to the boy, i must say that you are even more wicked than you know. Liaaar.

Not a fair statement. The Husband may not want to get in the middle of a fight and wants to aviod a face off with him caught in d middle.
I think the poster should be more mature and diplomatic in handling her home front. even me as a woman if you keep reporting everyday what so and so is doing i will get tired, but if she makes a plan of how household chores should be and talks with the brother maturedly or calls a family meeting where it can be sorted out well he may be more inclined to listen, if he doesnt then there might be a problem

Was that necessary? The op wants an advice if you can't offer one then why comment?

Sam Milla:

Hahahahahahahaha! You tell your husband and he tells you to KEEP QUIET. Nice , that means you left a huge chunk of the story out. Especially the part where we should have blamed you. Since you told the story in a way that we can only condemn the poor little guy, and crownd it by telling us that your husband who brought you to south africa never said or did anything to the boy, i must say that you are even more wicked than you know. Liaaar.

@ poster, do you work? It is just household chores so no big deal in doing them. Men usually feel those things are women stuff. I have my husband's cousin, a female for that matter, who does not clean up after herself. I just shrug and do it, its really no biggie. Can't imagine my husband's brother coming to stay with us and i tell him to wash his plates. What is the difference between washing two plates and washing three plates. About him not knocking, you can politely tell him to do so next time.

Stop complaining to your husband, it will only make him look at u as a nag.

@debrief08
offering this lady the kind of advice she wants will make her become hostile to the boy. I believe she wants her husband to drive the boy out of the house. Typical wicked nigerian unfaithful ladies. We know ourselves, i am sure the boy will tell us a different story if he shows up on this thread. People dont just hate people, something usually causes hatred. Before i give a useful advice based on experience, the lady must tell us the full story.

@debrief08
offering this lady the kind of advice she wants will make her become hostile to the boy. I believe she wants her husband to drive the boy out of the house. Typical wicked nigerian unfaithful ladies. We know ourselves, i am sure the boy will tell us a different story if he shows up on this thread. People dont just hate people, something usually causes hatred. Before i give a useful advice based on experience, the lady must tell us the full story.

Sam Milla:

@debrief08
offering this lady the kind of advice she wants will make her become hostile to the boy. I believe she wants her husband to drive the boy out of the house. Typical wicked nigerian unfaithful ladies. We know ourselves, i am sure the boy will tell us a different story if he shows up on this thread. People dont just hate people, something usually causes hatred. Before i give a useful advice based on experience, the lady must tell us the full story.

haba, you cant assume that now. From what she says he finds it hard to clean up after himself, all she wants is a little bit of consideration and respect. She seems young, a new bride in a new city and may be overwhelmed, she just needs advice on how to better handle the situation. I dont think any newly wed is equiped with how to deal with live in in laws manual, you learn on the job.

kokoye:

Ronke, he wont be easy to ignore, especially when you share the same kitchen and bathroom.

[b]@ op, sorry but I think the guy will have to move out. But seeing as your husband is able to tell you to keep quiet in this situation, I am truly sorry for you.[/b]You need to face your husband . . he has to talk some sense into his brother until he changes . . or the brother will have to move out.

exactly why i said she should ignore him, this is her husband's family and if the poster does not want problems in her marraige, she should ignore him, let her do her thing and leave him out of the whole situation, she should just pretend as if he is not existing.

@OP, I would want to partially disagree with your narration. You sounded so faultless, blameless and innocent in the narration. I am almost certainly sure that if you are sincere with the kind gestures and winsome attitude you displayed in that narration, your brother in-law wouldn't have been so supposedly arrogant and inconsiderate! It all boils down to communication and the type of foundation you laid when you first met him and afterwards. Perhaps, when he arrived (even though I don't support that he stays with you in the first place) you made him feel unwelcome, I'm saying this cos I unavoidably found myself in that situation. The wife, from the outset, made me realise I'm not welcome and complains about almost everything I do to the point I decided to do house chores only when no one is around. I could stay all day long in my room if she is around in order to avoid confrontations and hostility-she complains about this as well.  I sincerely do not feel comfortable when the husband offered to allow me stay with them till I get a job and settle down. I tried communicating with her and buying gifts and stuffs like that to no avail. I sometimes feel I COULD HAVE DONE WORSE if I'm in her shoe because, naturally, I don't support the idea. But, in my case, it was just unavoidable and temporal. I would want to believe that you both have the blame to share and only the two of you could sort things out between you till he finally leaves. It boils down to communication and pure motives on your part. It would have been better if you had not agreed that he came to stay with you, Don't really feel like typing more-I'm sorry about that. .Best of luck

Sam Milla:

Hahahahahahahaha! You tell your husband and he tells you to KEEP QUIET. Nice , that means you left a huge chunk of the story out. Especially the part where we should have blamed you. Since you told the story in a way that we can only condemn the poor little guy, and crownd it by telling us that your husband who brought you to south africa never said or did anything to the boy, i must say that you are even more wicked than you know. Liaaar.

Some really have a funny way of thinking!!!

funny outburst, you probably must  have experienced a similar situation.

projem:

DEAR NAIRALANDERS,
i live abroad with my husband of 9months, and his younger brother (20yrs old) who is studying here. the problem i have is this, this boy talks rudely, does not wash or clean anything, he prefers sleeping and waking up in mess and he doesn't care,we are not friends because he doesn't talk to me but he eats my food, i stopped dishing his food cos sometimes when you tell him his food is dished he will tell me he doesn't want to eat and he goes out to buy fast-food or something. he makes a mess of the dustbin and he doesn't  take it out. he leaves his plate unwashed when he eats, whenever he bathes the bathroom is always in a mess and i take my time to clean the house everyday. i was mad one day when i pepared a particular food for my husband which said he doesn't eat, i went to rest and by the time i was out he was eating the food and messed the kitchen up,God i was furious but i didn't say a word, i just made another meal for my husband. and he is used to eating more than 1 meat or if we have two left in the pot, he will just eat the whole thing. and lastly i hate the way he looks at me like he wants to know why i stand up, sit, walk or even stand. he doesn't knock when he want to come into our room, he is always behaving like shebi its my brothers money or stuff. im so fed up. LIVING WITH INLAWS HAS NEVER BEEN EASY ACCORDING TO WHAT PEOPLE SAY. i feel like going back to naija, cos i dont have any privacy here.
everyone that knows me knows i am a very nice person, i have tired to make friends with me but he is just too wierd for my liking,but i dont like when people cant put themselves in their place.

Whenever i tell my husband that his bro has done this or that he will tell me to keep quiet, and he doesn't correct him, he sees all these things too.

I think i needed to tell you my story because i am about explode. i have been bottling this up for a long time.

Women and their In-laws WAHALA.

You married the your husband and not the in-law, never expect your in-law to flow with you .

Tread carefully, because you will need your husband's support.

YOUR MARRIAGE IS TOO YOUNG TO BE FIGHTING YOUR IN-LAWS.

@blank,
Good post. I like people like you a lot. Not that i want someone to be washing my plates but i believe tap water run in sinks in south africa. So washing plates is not a big deal.
@poster, just use your brain and make him friend. You will love him. Trying to show him that you are the brother,s prized asset in another man,s country is a mistake. Truth is bitter but swallow it.

@vick
thank u. People are now seeing things the way they are.

projem:

DEAR NAIRALANDERS,
i live abroad with my husband of 9months, and his younger brother (20yrs old) who is studying here. the problem i have is this, this boy talks rudely, does not wash or clean anything, he prefers sleeping and waking up in mess and he doesn't care,we are not friends because he doesn't talk to me but he eats my food, i stopped dishing his food cos sometimes when you tell him his food is dished he will tell me he doesn't want to eat and he goes out to buy fast-food or something. he makes a mess of the dustbin and he doesn't  take it out. he leaves his plate unwashed when he eats, whenever he bathes the bathroom is always in a mess and i take my time to clean the house everyday. i was mad one day when i pepared a particular food for my husband which said he doesn't eat, i went to rest and by the time i was out he was eating the food and messed the kitchen up,God i was furious but i didn't say a word, i just made another meal for my husband. and he is used to eating more than 1 meat or if we have two left in the pot, he will just eat the whole thing. and lastly i hate the way he looks at me like he wants to know why i stand up, sit, walk or even stand. he doesn't knock when he want to come into our room, he is always behaving like shebi its my brothers money or stuff. im so fed up. LIVING WITH INLAWS HAS NEVER BEEN EASY ACCORDING TO WHAT PEOPLE SAY. i feel like going back to naija, cos i dont have any privacy here.
everyone that knows me knows i am a very nice person, i have tired to make friends with me but he is just too wierd for my liking,but i dont like when people cant put themselves in their place.

Whenever i tell my husband that his bro has done this or that he will tell me to keep quiet, and he doesn't correct him, he sees all these things too.

I think i needed to tell you my story because i am about explode. i have been bottling this up for a long time.

women possess this God-given talent to spin a story that would make gandhi look like osama bin laden.
your bro-in-law does these horrible things and all your husband can say is for you to be silent? abeg - this story is only 20% complete.
go and bring the other 80% of the story so you can get good advice. . . .

Sam Milla:

@debrief08
offering this lady the kind of advice she wants will make her become hostile to the boy. I believe she wants her husband to drive the boy out of the house.Typical wicked nigerian unfaithful ladies. We know ourselves, i am sure the boy will tell us a different story if he shows up on this thread. People dont just hate people, something usually causes hatred. Before i give a useful advice based on experience, the lady must tell us the full story.

Mr Sam, so judging from that short post you deduced that the lady is wicked and unfaithful!!!!

Lol, who upset you today?

living with relatives in the early years of marriage is always a gamble which can end with major bad blood that may never go away

@poster, how would you handle him were he to be your own kid brother?do same to him!

ifyalways:

@poster, how would you handle him were he to be your own kid brother?do same to him!

slap him to submission, of course!
naija sisters nor dey carry last - always quick to use their palms.

Sam Milla:

Hahahahahahahaha! You tell your husband and he tells you to KEEP QUIET. Nice , that means you left a huge chunk of the story out. Especially the part where we should have blamed you. Since you told the story in a way that we can only condemn the poor little guy, and crownd it by telling us that your husband who brought you to south africa never said or did anything to the boy, i must say that you are even more wicked than you know. Liaaar.

I have always considered you an immature, doltish fellow with a stunted IQ. I'm glad your contributions here are vindicating my opinions of you.

However frivolous her complaints are, it is still her marital home and every visitor ought to treat it as such.

And yes, you can have spoilt '20 year olds' behaving in that way with a strong sense of entitlement, after all, 'its my brother's house'.

However, to be fair, one has to hear the other side of the story to judge accordingly.

It is possible to 'hate' someone just like that. It  may be as a result of an outside influence i.e mother-inlaw.

More reason you should not talk about people in front of 'kids'

@ifyalways, that was more like it. She will never remember something like that. All she wants is that the husband beats the silly, dirty, arrogant, boy and send him to prison like potipher did to Joseph. Who knows if the boy said NO like Joseph did.

Sam Milla:

@ifyalways, that was more like it. She will never remember something like that. All she wants is that the husband beats the silly, dirty, arrogant, boy and send him to prison like potipher did to Joseph. Who knows if the boy said NO like Joseph did.

you never know with women - i have seen loads of trickery from women to not believe what they say most times.

dare2think:

However frivolous her complaints are, it is still her marital home and every visitor ought to treat it as such.
And yes, you can have spoilt '20 year olds' behaving in that way with a strong sense of entitlement, after all, 'its my brother's house'.

However, to be fair, one has to hear the other side of the story to judge accordingly.
It is possible to 'hate' someone just like that. It  may be as a result of an outside influence i.e mother-inlaw.
More reason you should not talk about people in front of 'kids'

i wouldn't want anyone to wash my plates or clean up after me as well.
even if i cannot wash the plates of others, i would at least wash my own plates(i am assuming the poster's comments are the plain truth).

however, if you bring this rude boy to state his own case, the story would take another direction.
if a story doesn't make sense to me then it's probably a lie.

Poster, am sure by now u wish u r from the east, bc no igbo girl will take that in her house, bc the igbo girls control their homes. i hope u will ur husband will do something on it. goodluck.