To cap my uncalled attacks to this post, i would like to apologize to the op if she doesnt like what i said. But then she may not know how the house rent is being paid. Maybe the parents arrange for the payments which gives the boy some bones. She may not know how the family operates before she came in. After watching Patience Ozokwo in the nigerian movies, she concluded that in-laws, especially mother in-laws are evil. Therefore she finds fault in everything the brother in-law does as if she would do the same if he is her blood brother. If you want my candid advice, search yourself first, try to make friends with him instead of whinning about unwashed plates. I dont believe any reasonable person will see two meats in a pot of soup and take them both knowing that the others have not eaten. Come of that unless he did it once by mistake. Lol. Secondly there must have been something that triggered the hatred. Thirdly , why would he open your bedroom without knocking and your husband says nothing ? Thread carefully here, forget about people who are telling you to leave and return to nigeria. All you complained here are not enough to leave your RSA marriage. Weigh your options before making a silly mistake. Ummarried ladies are everywhere, going to baba looking for husbands who even lives in ajegunle and here you are trying to bring yourself back to that market. Goodluck.

I take it this post is coming from a[b]
post modern Nigeria Me and My Husband,Our Generator and Borehole,High Wall and Mai Guard against the world middle class mindset [/b]

which i thoroughly understand. There are other types of Nigerians too

Not everyone has the option of sending away a brother( inlaw) for a multitude of reasons. Though I agree.As you get older  and gather more experience you realise life is not alway simple or straightforward.
People have different backgrounds and most Nigerians raised in a village do not think that way(I am not implying it is a better or worse way of thinking just different.
Some kids were raised eating from the same plate and others with knives and forks and very territorial with large boundaries for what constitutes personal space.
In other word some of us are more tribal than others and many writers here seem to have little understanding of our tribal anthropology.

Others are more urbane with relatively more westernized attitudes towards family and therefore less close.We are different.
It is a fact our we are redefining the meaning of "FAMILY" in Nigeria at home and diaspora But the idea that the relationship with one wife is paramount is a western christian idea that is not subscribed to by the majority of Nigerians.
If the brother is living with them as distinct from visiting he has to adjust there are many poorer families (probably the majority in URBAN Nigeria) living in cramped situations from Sabon Gari in Kano to Diobu in PH nothing new here. Even poor people know how to tell themselves the truth.

There are all kinds of psychological issues in young people.Maybe he subconsciouly wants to provoke a confrontation so he can be sent away and then have a genuine gripe and enemy.Even your own kid could do the same or worse. Young Nigerian kids today are very angry and misguided sending that kid away can cost his brother dearly.


There is nothing new under the sun and this kind of story is all too common. The problem is not the boy it is your husband.

Well it is easy for some people to blame the husband. One thing for sure, personally I love my younger ones and am sure they will never disrespect my wife, knowing fully well that doing amounts to disrespecting me. But if for any reason my younger ones who are so respectful turn out to disrespect my wife, truth be told I will peach my tent with them. I guess there is something that op has not told us. Op you alone know the full gist, my 1 cent advise to you is you try and make peace with your brother in-law, for the fact that you husband is not saying anything about this whole is an indication that there is something you are not doing right. Please swallow your pride and make things right for your own good and the good of everyone involve. I have seen what feud with in-laws could do and how dangerous it could be. Believe such feud are most times extended to children from such homes.

ileobatojo:

Is that how your own brother behaves? He leaves his own mess for others to clean up and enters your parent’s room without knocking? So you would teach your brother to behave like that abi?

She is not truthful, no sensible man will tell his wife to 'keep quiet'  in a such situation if she is not the cause of the proplem.
DO you think you love or understand the op more than her husband?

Some people are so gullible to believe the poster is not telling the truth. You can believe what you like but calling her a liar and all sorts of names is immature reasoning. It is downright insulting and demeaning, when a younger person does these things. When an individual goes off to live in someone’s house irrespective of your relationship with the person you should adhere to the rules and boundaries set by the person, his wife or kids.

One of my friends had a personal experience; her husband did not believe her until he actually saw recordings on her phone, the insults and tongue lashing from his younger brother to his wife in his absence.

No one dares tries that with me. A younger brother for that matter I would put him in his place even before his brother hears about it. In this age who barges into people’s bedroom without knocking, what kind of upbringing is that? Or going into a woman’s pot who isn’t your wife, mother, sister or girlfriend, absolutely appalling I am not going to mince words here, if my brother dares such he won’t last another second in my house, off he goes to his parents!

I have experienced same situation but here is what happens.

Sometimes people just dont like themselves and nothing you can do about it. This problem must not have started now. IT would have been foundational. And hopefully she is not an house wive that does not work. Else the mentality of shebi na my brother money. And on the other side when you report him to your brother and your husband correct him. THen dude will go and tell your mother-inlaw which is your husband mother and tell him very odd stories about how rude you are to him and even say things you can't believe. EHnce making your mother inlaw dislike you. So in cases like thsi you either ignore or be smart and adapt some form of diplomacy. I stopped correcting my brothers because it was causing more damage to the wife unkown to her

loveheaven:

Some people are so gullible to believe the poster is not telling the truth. You can believe what you like but calling her a liar and all sorts of names is immature reasoning. It is downright insulting and demeaning, when a younger person does these things. When an individual goes off to live in someone’s house irrespective of your relationship with the person you should adhere to the rules and boundaries set by the person, his wife or kids.

One of my friends had a personal experience; her husband did not believe her until he actually saw recordings on her phone, the insults and tongue lashing from his younger brother to his wife in his absence.

No one dares tries that with me. A younger brother for that matter I would put him in his place even before his brother hears about it. In this age who barges into people’s bedroom without knocking, what kind of upbringing is that? Or going into a woman’s pot who isn’t your wife, mother, sister or girlfriend, absolutely appalling I am not going to mince words here, if my brother dares such he won’t last another second in my house, off he goes to his parents!

hiss

If it bothers you, your husband shouldn't tell you to be quiet, but should help fix it.
He is his brother afterall. That husband isn't playing his role as a husband or human being right. . . unless he thinks what his brother is doing is right, in which I have to then question the character of this bloke you married and why you married him in the first place. But I guess that ship has already sailed.

You sound like the type who allows others to walk over her and keeps it in until you go go past the boiling point and you explode into something demonic.
It's possible this boy has noticed that you're a push-over and so doesn't give a damn. You need to take your stand as the WOMAN OF THE HOUSE and order, yes, order him to pick up after himself.
If your husband does not support you in this, then sorry, you married a strange man.

I have a feeling Sam Milla knows more than he is telling. From the original post the OP never mentioned she's in South Africa. How did Milla knew that? There's a post he refered to the brother-in-law as himself.

Milla oya tell us your side of the story

Op, I sympathize with you. It is really a tough situation you are having to cope with. However, I believe the law of cause and effect is being applied here. How do you feel sincerely about the boy. You may be attracting animosity because that may be what you are giving as regards your relationship with the boy. Try to make friends with him. It is a common saying in most part of naija that when you marry a man, you marry the whole family. Your husband may have noticed that you are not showing enough respect to the boy that is why he is not taking your complaints seriously. Try to look at the things you like about him. Draw him close and you'll be surprised how he will change. Don't impose domestic duties on him. I agree with you that as an adult he should be cleaning up. take it slow. Also, I think initially you were very close. There must be something you did, maybe  you reported him to your husband - his brother that got him angry with you. You may have to apologize to him. If you love your husband, I think you need to make amends with this guy.

I am a male and a husband, I respect my wife,  and we've been married for some years now. I may not take it lightly if she treats my younger brother badly should he be living with us. She senses that, so she is always in good relationship with my folks, even when there seem to be a problem between them and me. They like her, especially my parents.

Every time we feel the other person is the problem in any quarrel or situation, let us look at our self first. If we do that sincerely and always, we won't have much problem with people. If things don't change with this guy, pray he leaves sooner than later, and in the interim, endure and pray!

"Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?  Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven." - Matt 18:21-22

your situation is not permanent.

This is a horrible situation but its good your husband notices too.  But now it needs to be addressed have you considered talking to your brother in law and asking him why he treats you the way he does?

baby.me:

I have a feeling Sam Milla knows more than he is telling. From the original post the OP never mentioned she's in South Africa. How did Milla knew that? There's a post he refered to the brother-in-law as himself.

Milla oya tell us your side of the story

op's location says south africa. . .

Iya! why not ask her if she is telling the WHOLE truth?

Me I think something is fishing!

it is a tough situation and the husband isnt making it any better. The boy is twenty. if you got married some nine months ago, u'r most probably in ur early/mid twenties. if so, making friends wv him shouldnt be too hard. In fact, that is what you should do. You sure dont want your mother-in-law involved in this. Any action your husband takes on him would backfire and do more harm than good.

it is just what I'd do to a bad neighbour. if friendship wouldnt help, then the silent treatment should.

@baby.me
her location says south africa. I went to her profile when i read the original post to check on other posts she made on this forum. Such things usually help my judgement. Altough i saw where she posted nigerian phone number asking people to call her to buy blackberry phones but then someonne who lives in south africa can always return home. So based on her location , i assumed she lives in RSA. My main issue here is that she is trying to self destruct. If she succeeded in alienating this brother inlaw, she will have to live with a divided family forever. So i had to be hard cos thats the only language people understand. I have nothing to gain here rather i want her to understand that it would be better to make peace with this boy instead of showing him that she is the trophy wife of his brother constantly tells her to keep quiet, Someone must be parrot.

@Poster you have to be careful of the trash you get here you might want to through it out. Your story is your story and no1 has the right to say you are lying.

This kid has not had the proper home training if he's acting like that. He's probably ACTING OUT because he has to live with you and the brother. Possibly something beyound his control and this is his way of showing you. There could be a # of reasons why he's doing the things he's doing.

It's better to sort this out urself.

I agree with Everyone that has said this Story is one-sided,  she  has single-handedly portrayed the Bro-in-law as a Monster and has made Herself look so innocent, Mother Theresa, we need the full unbiased Story, if you are actually serious about getting unbiased honest Advice.

The marriage is too young for this.

And i have a feeling the brothers have been living together before you married the Senior.

i live abroad with my husband of 9months, and his younger brother (20yrs old) who is studying here.

So imposing your ideas on him will be difficult.

And it might be difficult for the senior to send his brother packing

you should have set rules one week after welcoming. give it to hubby to read, add and remove something (must explain why removing that to me), give him to sign it and life goes on. shebi na student? simple. must follow rules!!

that rules should include his duties in the house, to do and what not to do.

kai, devil fire satan and adam pickin the day he will give me same response he gave you.

Sam Milla:

@baby.me
her location says south africa. I went to her profile when i read the original post to check on other posts she made on this forum. Such things usually help my judgement. Altough i saw where she posted nigerian phone number asking people to call her to buy blackberry phones but then someonne who lives in south africa can always return home. So based on her location , i assumed she lives in RSA. My main issue here is that she is trying to self destruct. If she succeeded in alienating this brother inlaw, she will have to live with a divided family forever. So i had to be hard cos thats the only language people understand. I have nothing to gain here rather i want her to understand that it would be better to make peace with this boy instead of showing him that she is the trophy wife of his brother constantly tells her to keep quiet,  Someone must be parrot.

stildude:

Op, I sympathize with you. It is really a tough situation you are having to cope with. However, I believe the law of cause and effect is being applied here. How do you feel sincerely about the boy. You may be attracting animosity because that may be what you are giving as regards your relationship with the boy. Try to make friends with him. It is a common saying in most part of naija that when you marry a man, you marry the whole family. Your husband may have noticed that you are not showing enough respect to the boy that is why he is not taking your complaints seriously. Try to look at the things you like about him. Draw him close and you'll be surprised how he will change. Don't impose domestic duties on him. I agree with you that as an adult he should be cleaning up. take it slow. Also, I think initially you were very close. There must be something you did, maybe  you reported him to your husband - his brother that got him angry with you. You may have to apologize to him. If you love your husband, I think you need to make amends with this guy.

I am a male and a husband, I respect my wife,  and we've been married for some years now. I may not take it lightly if she treats my younger brother badly should he be living with us. She senses that, so she is always in good relationship with my folks, even when there seem to be a problem between them and me. They like her, especially my parents.

Every time we feel the other person is the problem in any quarrel or situation, let us look at our self first. If we do that sincerely and always, we won't have much problem with people. If things don't change with this guy, pray he leaves sooner than later, and in the interim, endure and pray!

I am tempted to agree wt d posts above and some others. We can't completely say she is lieing but having lived wt relations while growing up I know that there maybe some part of the story that is missing. Kicking the boy out of your house may sound very good now but it may be the worst mistake of ur marital life if care is not taken. He is a student wt limited time to stay wt u, if his upbringing was faulty, the least u can do is to help amend his behaviours as much as u can for the few years he has to stay wt u. Considering that u just entered the family, it will not be advisable to cause enmity btw the brothers cos u never can tell the contibutions the family may have made in the life of ur husband before he got to South Africa. Take time to talk to the young man not by insulting and openly rebuking him cos he may be tempted to prove to you that he worths more than you think.

Talk to ur hubby

joke aside, i agree talking to the hubby is important. hubby and wifey should be one and be in unison when there is problem.
no matter what, hubby should have listened to his wife, call brother aside and ask him to give her respect because it is her home not his.
then let brother know he won't tolerate bad behavior and must help in the house with certain work such as cleaning up after himself. it is simple way to deal with something but i guess
hubby has something else in mind.

vislabraye:

Talk to ur hubby

Meanwhile where is the poster to refute the claims?

@OP,hope you seriously are not considering leaving your home?that would be not just childish but also the worst decision you can ever take.

I asked before,how would u handle this had he been ur brother?ring mama,complain to ur hubby or find a solution?

IMO,reporting him to ur hubby makes u an incompetent homemaker.How can u not find a way to make a 20 yrs old bend and obey rules,were u not once a teen?

Take the boy out,just u and him in a relaxed mood and talk with him.Open up ur heart and have a real chat with him.u love his brother and automathically love him too.You dont like the way he does certain things and would want him to change so y'all would enjoy a peaceful home.Name those things he's been doing wrong and tell him it should have been done.Let him talk too,he must have his reasons no matter how silly.Apologise if necessary.Mind the way you talk to him too,at 20 most kids are just rebellious,wants things done their way.

Don't expect a miracle,he'd change with time,love and firm rules in place.

@OP, u knw whenever I hear these issues abt inLaws, I laff because a lot of women are very short sighted, in ur case, the boy is 20yrs old, and skooling, u are just a few mths in Marraige. My point is, hw many yrs does he hv left to stay with U, at most 3yrs, why not just behave as if he is not there, and be Patient until he leaves ur home. By doing this U would hv avoided a ripple effect that could last say 10 to 15 yrs. Its ur choice. Just look 4wd to the day he lives ur home that's all. My 1 cent

Nairalandees, quick to brandish insults @ op's and those insulting op's!
*smiles
mac donalding this

OP,

You can reach out to the boy. Talk to him, be his pal, If he was in SA before you tell him to take you out .

I dont advise you fighting inlaws in the first 9months of wedding

COs somewhere down the line, you might need them. Already your husband doesnt seem to be supporting you if you push it too far, you might be breaking your own home

You live abroad where food is very cheap and your brother in law wanting more than one piece of meat is an issue to you ?? Are you sure you did not make part of this story up Who quarrels about pieces of meat nowadays ?? Who eats one piece of meat nowadays ??

armyofone:

joke aside, i agree talking to the hubby is important. hubby and wifey should be one and be in unison when there is problem.
no matter what, hubby should have listened to his wife, call brother aside and ask him to give her respect because it is her home not his.
then let brother know he won't tolerate bad behavior and must help in the house with certain work such as cleaning up after himself. it is simple way to deal with something but i guess
hubby has something else in mind.

This will be difficult if both bothers were loving together in SA before the older one got married.

BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER.

It is so so disheartening, how Nigerian ladies of nowadays find it so difficult to mix in their new family, and it is equally so bad that this same ladies always fail to understand the existing family love, bond, etc existing in a family before they eventually arrives, and so, always too eager to destroy it. This is the point I find the Bible doctrine that a man and a woman will then become one, which makes our Nigerian ladies think that once they are married to a man, it is them and him alone, WRONG! And I pity the men that bought into this idea, because they always regret at last. Don't forget that a wife can easily turn to enemy that will kill you than your blood brother, some ladies marry you for your money, be wise!.

This lady or OP, didn't tell the story in full, she edited it to paint herself Mother Theresa, which honest Nigerians here cannot accept. THAT YOUNG MAN IS A HUMAN, STOP PAINTING HIM A MONSTER, WE ALL KNOW THAT NIGERIAN LADIES ARE FAST IN ADOPTING FOREIGN CULTURES, HENCE, THEIR NATURAL HATRED FOR IN-LAWS EVEN BEFORE MARRIAGE! AND YOUR HUSBAND TELLING YOU TO KEEP QUIET, MEANS YOU HAVE A SKELETON IN YOUR CUPBOARD, PLS LET IT OUT MA'AM!

TO ALL SINGLE AND MARRIED LADIES READING THIS, STOP SEEING YOUR IN-LAWS AS MONSTERS, THEY ARE HUMANS TOO. EVEN YOU LADIES THAT ARE NOW MARRIED, WERE ONCE SINGLE AND MUST HAVE COMPLAINED ABOUT YOUR BROTHERS'S WIVES, YET, WHEN YOU GET MARRIED, YOU STILL END UP ACTING LIKE THOSE YOUR BROTHER'S WIFE, DON'T THIS ALONE TELL YOU LADIES THAT YOU ALL  NEED PRAYER AND GOD'S HELP? @OP, Trace back and honestly, find where you faulted, cos you must have, and find a honest, Godly way of reaching a nice compromise. DO YOU PEOPLE GO TO GOOD CHURCH AT ALL? WARNING! DON'T BE THE SOURCE OF DISHARMONY IN A UNITED, LOVELY HAPPY FAMILY, YOU NEVER CAN TELL TOMORROW, THAT 20 YEAR OLD BOY MIGHT END UP YOUR HUSBAND'S, YOUR UNBORN CHILDREN'S SPONSOR, SAVIOR, MESSIAH AND HELP TOMORROW. YOUR HUSBAND MAY BE RICH NOW, YOU CANNOT TELL  ABOUT TOMORROW, EVERYTHING IN LIFE IS DYNAMIC, DON'T DESTROY AN EXISTING FAMILY TIE COS OF YOUR IMMEDIATE SATISFACTION, AND COS OF WHAT FRIENDS, COLLEAGUES, NAIRALANDERS, ETC MAY TELL YOU NOW OR MUST HAVE TOLD YOU EARLIER, I WOULD HAVE SHARED A PERSONAL STORY TO TEACH YOU LESSONS, BUT I AM TIRED OF TYPING, NEXT TIME! AND DO NOT DESPISE THE DAYS OF LITTLE BEGINNING, NIGERIAN LADIES ARE ALWAYS FOND OF THAT, THEY ALWAYS THINK YOUNG PEOPLE WILL NEVER BECOME SOMEBODY TOMORROW! NA NYT