Hi all, i really need advise from mature family people.
I was molested from age 4 so much by the numerous cousins, uncles n family friends that usually troop to our house. Being d last child in an all girls family my sisters were much older than me so i could not confide in them.
Now am happily married with 2 young sons and am sooo scared that they may suffer what i went thru. The fear is so great that i cringe sliently each time any grown up (apart from me n my hubby) gets playful wit my kids esp my first child who is just 2.
I ve stopped my Help from giving him a bath n changing his diaper. My hubby wants him 2 move 2 his own room but am too scared 2 allow it.
Recently my hubby angrily made a comment that if i was molested as a kid that he was not so i should let my son be ( this was cos his friend was kissing him (my son) and i whispered dat hubby should stylishly call our son away)
Am really at my wits end cos am nursing a one month old baby n trying 2 also protect them. It has't been easy.
Am i worrying my self unecessarily, abi am going insane.
How do i teach my 2yr old whom i ve noticed loves 2 play wit adults, how 2 tell mama if any foul play occurs.
Kindly advice.

In this world that we live in, I can hardly say any parent is paranoid. However, you need to have an open mind. If you see something that you think is wrong pertaining to your children, intervene. If you are imagining it, calm down and observe carefully if your fears are genuine or it is you that is being edgy.

Let your children grow normally and teach them gradually sensitive parts of their body and for them to tell you when someone touches them there. Try to relax.

I could not but feel concerned about your story, anyone in your shoes will act that way because our pasts have a way of influencing our actions, however, I'll say you should focus more on teaching your children how to tell you everything that happens to them while you are not around. This could be by telling them stories of your own outings (sensored) and then asking them to tell you theirs. In addition you need to make them feel secured about telling you things.
Then I think you need to tell your husband exactly why you are scared so he can understand your situation. I'm sure he made that statement in ignorance.
I'm still going to inform a friend of mine that has children about the same age as your's who told he has been able to train his daughter (2.5yrs) on such issues, he might be able to give more practical approaches.
And lastly pray to God earnestly to protect them because you can only do so much.

maclatunji: In this world that we live in, I can hardly say any parent is paranoid. However, you need to have an open mind. If you see something that you think is wrong pertaining to your children, intervene. If you are imagining it, calm down and observe carefully if your fears are genuine or it is you that is being edgy.

Let your children grow normally and teach them gradually sensitive parts of their body and for them to tell you when someone touches them there. Try to relax.

Thank you maclatunji for the advise. Its just that my hubby makes it look like am making a mountain out of a mole. And my 2yr old's vocab is still so limited so trying to teach is gonna be difficult. He is at that stage wer he enjoys pulling off his diaper running abt naked. Visitors re still trooping 2 my house cos of new baby so am so uptight.
Will try 2 relax.

oladcity: I could not but feel concerned about your story, anyone in your shoes will act that way because our pasts have a way of influencing our actions, however, I'll say you should focus more on teaching your children how to tell you everything that happens to them while you are not around. This could be by telling them stories of your own outings (sensored) and then asking them to tell you theirs. In addition you need to make them feel secured about telling you things.
Then I think you need to tell your husband exactly why you are scared so he can understand your situation. I'm sure he made that statement in ignorance.
I'm still going to inform a friend of mine that has children about the same age as your's who told he has been able to train his daughter (2.5yrs) on such issues, he might be able to give more practical approaches.
And lastly pray to God earnestly to protect them because you can only do so much.

Thanks 4 ur advise, would appreciate ur friend's input. As for my hubby, he is aware of my past. i told him before we got married cos i wanted explain my reluctance in allowing relations live permanently in our future home.

^Then you should let him know that what he said was hurtful. I am not saying battle him over it though. However, I don't think it is right he made reference to it (abuse you suffered as a child). This means that he may not be taking your concerns seriously.

Let your 2-year old grow, I am not suggesting that you burden him with this sensitive issue yet. You teach by positive reinforcement. He takes-off his clothes, you put them back on until he learns to keep them on. I know it can be hard work but it is part of being a parent or care-giver to a child.

@ Maclatunji : i did tell him how hurtful his statement was. Its cos of his statement that i started wondering if am being overly paranoid. It did't stop me from telling him that maybe God allowed me 2 pass thru all those pains 2 protect my children.
Will continue praying 4 my kids cos i cant b everywhere. Only God can do that

Yup!

othenok: Hi all, i really need advise from mature family people.
I was molested from age 4 so much by the numerous cousins, uncles n family friends that usually troop to our house. Being d last child in an all girls family my sisters were much older than me so i could not confide in them.
Now am happily married with 2 young sons and am sooo scared that they may suffer what i went thru. The fear is so great that i cringe sliently each time any grown up (apart from me n my hubby) gets playful wit my kids esp my first child who is just 2.
I ve stopped my Help from giving him a bath n changing his diaper. My hubby wants him 2 move 2 his own room but am too scared 2 allow it.
Recently my hubby angrily made a comment that if i was molested as a kid that he was not so i should let my son be ( this was cos his friend was kissing him (my son) and i whispered dat hubby should stylishly call our son away)
Am really at my wits end cos am nursing a one month old baby n trying 2 also protect them. It has't been easy.
Am i worrying my self unecessarily, abi am going insane.
How do i teach my 2yr old whom i ve noticed loves 2 play wit adults, how 2 tell mama if any foul play occurs.
Kindly advice.

You need counseling...That is the first step to everything else. Once you are able to deal with the myriad issues stemming from the abuse you suffered as a child. . .then you we be able to deal with your fears for your children.

Good Luck!!

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@Sisikill, i agree wit you. Cos sometimes it eats me up inside. I ve opened up 2 one of my elder ones and all she could do was 2 cry. Can u recommend a good one?

^I recommend Sisikill herself or Chaircover. They can give you good advise in private. I for volunteer, but it is a woman's issue.

Talking to someone in your family is good but you need someone who is outside the issue, someone who will let you pour your heart out without making any judgement. Are in based outside Nigeria? If you are I'd suggest you search for a Women's Counseling Center in your area. . .they usually have good Counselors on board. I'd also suggest you talk to your Private doctor if you have one, he can recommend you a good counselor.

Unfortunately I don't know any counseling place in Nigeria. . .if that's where you are based. I know Nigerians are into pouring everything to the pastor. . .not saying it is bad idea but sometimes you need more than "Pray About it" to heal a damaged psyche.

maclatunji: ^I recommend Sisikill herself or Chaircover. They can give you good advise in private. I for volunteer, but it is a woman's issue.

Awww, how sweet of you to put me in the same league as CC but I err. . . my power no reach that level oh.

Sisi_Kill:

Awww, how sweet of you to put me in the same league as CC but I err. . . my power no reach that level oh.

Stop being so modest.

I swear this is not about modesty, it is about giving the right advice and mine will so not be because it would be along the lines of inviting all the abusers for Lunch.

On the Menu
Arsenic laced Jollof Rice
Rat poisoned coated plantain
Otapiapia-ed Orange Drink.

There is a certain kinda of satisfaction that comes with watching people who have hurt you writhing in pain. . .or is just me

^LOL. I know that you are wise enough to know that would be murder. When are you writing your book? The world deserves to enjoy your sarcasm.

Not in Naija, it isn't!! It's is Iya Okan or Iya Pupa the second wife of their grandfather's 3rd son from the village.

So I'm good!!

I totally understand where you are coming from. I think it is inappropriate for your husbands friedn to kiss your son. Your husband needs to understand that even though you might be more anxious that a typical person would be he(your husband) needs to not be so blazay about it either. The most important thing you can do rather than stress yourself to death about it is to educate your kids. You should have that talk with your kids even the two year old. There is a book called "those are my private parts" http://www.amazon.com/Those-are-MY-Private-Parts/dp/0976198800/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1333997868&sr=8-1 This way your kids will come to you (at least we all hope) if someone is touching them inappropriately. That way it can be nipped in the bud. This world is filled with so many sick people and your husband does not get it because he was never a victim of sexual abuse.

Sisi_Kill: Talking to someone in your family is good but you need someone who is outside the issue, someone who will let you pour your heart out without making any judgement. Are in based outside Nigeria? If you are I'd suggest you search for a Women's Counseling Center in your area. . .they usually have good Counselors on board. I'd also suggest you talk to your Private doctor if you have one, he can recommend you a good counselor.

Unfortunately I don't know any counseling place in Nigeria. . .if that's where you are based. I know Nigerians are into pouring everything to the pastor. . .not saying it is bad idea but sometimes you need more than "Pray About it" to heal a damaged psyche.

Am in Nigeria and your right , i ve never heard of any counselling centre. Don't wanna do the pastor thing. I ve forgiven them but forgeting is kinda hard.

othenok:

Am in Nigeria and your right , i ve never heard of any counselling centre. Don't wanna do the pastor thing. I ve forgiven them but forgeting is kinda hard.

My email Addy is in my profile, please feel free to email me. I think we can get you some self help materials you can start using. . at least for the time being. It is important to get started, you need to heal yourself first and foremost.

Okay, I don't sabi this new NL and where the email is supposed to be but here

sisikill@hushmail.me

Sisikill Thank you so much. Will email u dis night. God bless

Outstrip: I totally understand where you are coming from. I think it is inappropriate for your husbands friedn to kiss your son. Your husband needs to understand that even though you might be more anxious that a typical person would be he(your husband) needs to not be so blazay about it either. The most important thing you can do rather than stress yourself to death about it is to educate your kids. You should have that talk with your kids even the two year old. There is a book called "those are my private parts" http://www.amazon.com/Those-are-MY-Private-Parts/dp/0976198800/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1333997868&sr=8-1 This way your kids will come to you (at least we all hope) if someone is touching them inappropriately. That way it can be nipped in the bud. This world is filled with so many sick people and your husband does not get it because he was never a victim of sexual abuse.

Thanks a lot 4 d encouragement, i dont really blame him too cos its almost impossible to understand when u ve never bin a victim.
I ve just placed an order for "Those are my privates" hope i get it soon

Sisi_Kill:
You need counseling...That is the first step to everything else. Once you are able to deal with the myriad issues stemming from the abuse you suffered as a child. . .then you we be able to deal with your fears for your children.

Good Luck!!

Best advice! Op, I deeply empathise wit u. Truly, u need 2 visit a counsellor 2 get rid of al dos emotional baggage u'v been carryin 4 a long tym now. Glad to kno it didn't stop u 4rm gettin married cos it has d tendency to. Lik sisi wrote, ask ur doc 4 one. Wer in Nigeria do u reside?

@ Cowgurl: i live in Lagos.

Perfect, ur doc can easily refer u to one. Or if u can, go 2 unilag n specifically ask 4 d dept of guidance n counsellin, it's under d faculty of education n I assure u, u wil get professional help there. Good luck n may d Lord see u tru.