The Post below is my opinion on the topic above,uploaded from my blog,www.relationship4growth..com.

MOTHER-IN-LAW:THE BANE OF MANY AILING MARRIAGES
There is a general pre-conceived notion by many wives across the world that mothers-in-law are mean, wicked and wish them dead. Therefore the mother-in-law is a person that many wives wish they never had anything to do with. Many spinsters dread the thought of having a mother-in-law when they marry and very few wives have ever had any thing good to say about their mothers-in-law.

The causes of the breakdown in many marriages have been traced to the overbearing attitude of mothers-in-law and it is fast becoming a well known fact that the mother-in-law is the bane of many ailing marriages. It is in this regard that mothers-in-law are often seen and regarded by many as troublesome, poke nosing persons, antagonistic and the greatest enemy and rival of her daughter –in-law.

The question to ask is: Are mothers-in-law truly mean and wicked and why is it so?
The question is necessary in light of the fact that the mother-in-law was previously a daughter-in-law.

To be able to provide answers to these questions, it will be necessary to critically analyze and examine the roles played by the three parties to the conflict – the son, the wife and the mother-in-law. Through the analysis, the causes of the conflict will be determined and solutions proffered.


The Causes of the Conflict

The wife’s role

On account of the pre-conceived notions about mothers-in-laws that many wives had while they were spinsters, many of them came into their marriage prepared for the battle that must be fought to put their mother-in-law in the right place. So if these wives have naturally loving and caring mothers-in-law, they would misconstrue everything done and said by their mothers-in-law. In this regard, the wives have placed themselves on the offensive.

Another cause of the problem is the illusion that many wives have that their husbands must dissociate from his parents and cling to them. These wives are quick to quote the Bible verse that says that a ‘man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife’’ However, the wife seems to fail to realize that the same Bible says that ‘’a man shall honor his parents’’.

Further questions that will be addressed here are: Within the context of marriage, how is a husband expected to honor his parents? How does a man cleave unto his wife without straining the relationship with his parents?

It is ironic that the same wife, who wants her husband to dissociate from her his parents in the name of clinging to her, would have her own mother in her home at every excuse. Unfortunately, some husbands who did not realize the manipulative politics of their wives aimed at creating a bad impression about their mothers, have on account of the mischievous reports given them by the wives, spoken harshly to their mothers and have alienated them.


The Mother-in-law’s role

A mother’s relationship with her son is one of the most intimate but non-intimate relationships. A close bond develops between mother and son through breastfeeding him as a baby and the bond continues throughout life even in her son’s adult and marital life. It is a bond that makes many a mother to be very passionate about her son. Many mothers will naturally see their sons as little husbands

Many mothers have suffered lots of emotional attacks in their lifetime especially those who got married to difficult, impossible, unloving and abusive husbands who made life uneasy for them. They were there for their sons while young at his most vulnerable periods and bore the burden of his upbringing when he was growing up, learning to take his first steps, during sickness or struggling. Such mothers would look to their sons for solace and want to be accepted and loved by him and his wife.

When the wife appears on the scene to marry her son, who will have to shift his attention from his mother to his wife, the mother feels oppressed and may become heartbroken especially where there is no cordiality in the relations between her and her son’s family. These mothers fail to realize that they must become secondary while the wife becomes a priority in her husband’s life. Therefore, another cause of the raging conflict between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is a battle for who gets the attention of the son/husband.Plainly,it is a battle for control of the attention of the son/husband.

However, while there are touchy mothers-in-law who are difficult to please no matter how a wife strives, some mothers have genuine intentions and a sincere concern for the welfare of her son but the way her good intention will be received by her daughter-in-law will depend on her diplomacy.

Where a mother-in-law had a rough and an unhappy marriage with her husband, and now sees her daughter-in-law in a cordial and happy marriage with her son, she may become envious and will do anything to trouble her daughter-in-law's peace, to upset the marriage. She refuses to accept that her daughter-in-law now owns her son.So,the crisis is also borne out of envy.

The African mother-in-law has ''enormous powers'' unlike her western counterpart.The African mother-in-law derives her enormous powers from cultural and traditional values.In Africa, we have the extended family system which is a highly commendable system.It makes a member to be his brother's keeper,to cater for others outside his nuclear family and to be a father to them. But one major defect is that it makes a member to have an assumed right to meddle in the marital affairs of another member.

In many parts of Africa,the wife is not just married to her husband but is married to the whole family. In many parts,she is seen as a slave,an item of purchase or a nonentity who has no voice of her own.In many parts,parents match make and the mother-in-law plays a prominent role. Naturally,the mother-in-law becomes a ''godfather'' to her daughter -in-law with the ''power'' to fire her if she falls out of favor.

In many parts,open display of affection for a wife by her husband is often viewed as unmanliness or personal weakness.Therefore,many husbands support their relations against their wives even when it is clear that the wife is the aggrieved party.These husbands prefer to lose or strain their marriages in order to be in the ''good books'' of their relations.
These husbands watch helplessly while their mothers undo their marriages.Many African wives are often no match for their mothers-in-law simply because their husbands fail to protect them.Therefore,they lose out.

In the instances stated above,the son/husband takes the whole blame for his inability to break loose from this absurd orientation in the name of tradition.The basic problem here is the son/husband's failure to leave and to cleave unto his wife as Scripture commands in Genesis 2:24


The Son’s role

The son/husband is always at the center of the conflict which is a battle for his attention. Many sons have consciously and unconsciously fuelled the crisis by their mishandling of the situation.

Despite being married to their wives, some sons are still emotionally attached to their mothers or tied to her apron strings and would run to their mothers for succor at every turn. Such sons contribute to the conflict by granting their mothers the power to meddle or to interfere in their marital affairs, by their immaturity to face their responsibilities as men. A son who allows his parents to interfere in his marital affairs has set the stage for conflict which must occur if his wife resents such interference.
It is the emotional attachment that an overbearing mother exploits to trouble her son’s wife. Some sons blindly take sides with their mothers against their wives which worsen the situation and hasten the breakdown of the marriage

These sons fail to realize that there is a world of a difference between respect for one’s parents and servitude to them. Obedience to the biblical command to honor one’s parents does not permit a son to allow parental interference in his marital affairs but the son is bound to relate with them and to provide for them. Also a son who has complied with the biblical command to leave his parents and cleave to his wife will not allow third party interference in his marital affairs.


Suggested Solution

The Wife

The wife must realize that her relationship with her in-laws is a sensitive one that must not be ruptured. The wife should know that when she marries, she marries her husband along with his family and that her husband’s parents are also her parents. The wife is also required to honor her parents and the biblical command to honor one’s parents also includes honoring one’s parent figures such as in-laws.

A wife is expected to humble herself before her in-laws, be accommodating, tolerate and love them. Love is the foundation and the bedrock of every marriage but this love should be extended not only to the husband but also to the in-laws even if the wife thinks that they do not like her. She can not obliterate her in-laws and should check herself to see if there are any issues within her which caused the friction. She must not be on the offensive through pre-conceived notions that mothers-in-law are evil.

She must realize that her in-laws can do unacceptable things just like her own parents and instead of reacting negatively to stir up trouble, she should learn to overlook some errors. She should realize that what she sows in her relationship with her mother-in-law, she will reap in the future when she becomes a mother-in-law.

The Son

The Son has a major role to play to ensure cordial relations between his wife and her in-laws. His marriage to his wife must not be strained just as his wife’s relationship with her in-laws must not be allowed to rupture. The son should as the head of the home, lead every conflict resolution between his wife and her in-laws and not allow the misunderstandings to degenerate.

The Son must stand by his wife and protect her from his relations because marriage is leaving and cleaving to each other. Husband and wife are one flesh in marriage and are expected to be totally committed to each other’s happiness. Marriage is a bond and a covenant which must not be broken. It is not a marriage of convenience but a lifelong commitment to each other. They should not allow the parental bond which existed before the marriage to destabilize the marriage. In this wise, husband and wife must stand together to protect the marriage against external attacks.

The son should not take any steps that will create an occasion for third parties to come poke nosing into the affairs of his family. This is the point where many sons have gone wrong.

For the son to maintain a balanced relationship between his nuclear family and the extended family on one hand and to maintain a cordial relationship between himself and his wife requires careful handling, tact, wisdom and maturity. In every marriage, in-law misunderstandings may frequently occur but such issues must not be allowed to degenerate to destroy one’s marriage.

From the above, it has been established that the solution to the conflict lies in the hands of the husband and wife to maintain cordial relations with in-laws while ensuring that their own marriage is not strained.

The ball is in the court of the couple to stand as a united front to protect their union from external attacks and this is realizable when they can recognize that persons such as mothers-in-law are external parties to the marriage.The son/husband has a major role to play.

www.relationship4growth..com

Great balanced article,I hope people who need this will read it and it will help them. This seems to be a Major issue in most marriages.

Women that assume their mother-in-laws are automatic enemies are not worthy of marriage. I pray to never encounter such in my life. Why should a woman that has been there for me through thick and thin, from childhood to adulthood, suddenly become a persona-non-grata in my life once a woman comes into the picture? That is unnatural and unjust. Now I understand that there are many different grades and types of mothers in the world; not ALL mother-in-laws are decent and seeking the best for their son's marriage. But this isn't the case most of the time. Most MIL's just want to be loved and respected, that's all. I don't play with my mum; she's all I've ever had and she has a heart of pure gold (she has proven over and over again that she will give her life for me if needed). I warn every woman that comes into my life not to mess with my mum. If she can't respect and love my mum, then we have no future together. Period.

Yeah, I am a big-time mama's boy (but you wouldn't know it because I left home when I was 16 and I typically see my Mum once a year).

And Mr mnoremi what if ur mum messes wit ur wife? I have seen some mother in laws that torment their daughters in law, and pretend to be very nice to them when their son is around. Infact my mother in law is like that! My husband had to hide in a place and watched d way his mother treated me, before he believed all d complains I had been making, and when he entered the room his mother was so ashamed! Most mothers in law are actually nice people, but the biggest problem they have is JEALOUSY, and d big questions are 1)is it not somebodys son they married 2)do they want to marry their sons 3)is it not sumbody elses son their own daughters will get married to? My advice to men who want to have a peaceful and long lasting marriage is to love their mum, but set boundaries for her, she has no business interfering in your marriage (I'm so sure she must have complained bitterly when her own mother in law did same to her, so why do it to your sons wife?) I know men love their mothers, but face it she would die and leave u, ur wife and kids will remain wif u, so if u allow such little 'pocknosings' ruin ur marriage, wen ur mamas gone, u gonna hate urself!

Original post was quite balanced generically....
But does not take into cognizance,
***the pressures of modern day life n effect on family
*** the lost art of communication...... movement of the lips may not necessarily impart the information.
*** the lack of patience n fortitude on the part of the DILs.
This almost shows up in marriage later, when that same lack is shown towards the husband.
*** the extremes of manipulation as expressed by DILs. I ponder that during the days of courtship, these same girls will bend over backwards to please the MILs.... but change once married, particularly after bearing a heir and or spare!!!!

.

moremi2008: Women that assume their mother-in-laws are automatic enemies are not worthy of marriage. I pray to never encounter such in my life. Why should a woman that has been there for me through thick and thin, from childhood to adulthood, suddenly become a persona-non-grata in my life once a woman comes into the picture? That is unnatural and unjust. Now I understand that there are many different grades and types of mothers in the world; not ALL mother-in-laws are decent and seeking the best for their son's marriage. But this isn't the case most of the time. Most MIL's just want to be loved and respected, that's all. I don't play with my mum; she's all I've ever had and she has a heart of pure gold (she has proven over and over again that she will give her life for me if needed). I warn every woman that comes into my life not to mess with my mum. If she can't respect and love my mum, then we have no future together. Period.

Yeah, I am a big-time mama's boy (but you wouldn't know it because I left home when I was 16 and I typically see my Mum once a year).

i hope dat applies to ur wifes father and mother too,funny how men want their parents to b respected in marriage (which isnt a problem 4 people like me anyway because we were all trained to respect anyone in our house hold) but d point is,can u reciprocate d love and respect ur wife shows to ur parents to hers? U men and mother inlaws are so quick to judge women meanwhile ure not as humble to dem as ur wife is to urs.and by d way i am not married and i dont see any moda inlaw as a threat to me,any how she likes let her be,whether its d over touchy,aggresive one or d gentle and loving one,she will meet me there,its love and prayer dat i will use to break her defences,when i kneel down for her taya na she go dey feel embarased wen its too much.if i see shes d aggresive woman na to kneel down give her anything anywhere,she go say stand up masomilenu,majekan pemi laje.lol.msheww

some women are very lucky to have a good mother in-law, some will pretend to be good at the early stage but as the days goes by they will change to be the worse mother in-law

That's a good one. The problem is some MIL and DIL pretends a lot before marriage,but after they will start showing their real colour. Is a big issue in some homes. Always let God direct and guide you in family matters.

"Make God use money be our friend" (mom's quote;better in yoruba )

DIL will be taking constant trips with her children to MIL's house , you'd think na she born am,

even the son will start to get jealous sef

Troubling marriage ko smh

What about the flip side? From other's comments it seems it is not as common but what of the terrible wife's mothers and the unwise wife that thinks her mother should be the first to know all that goes on in her marriage because she "trusts" her?

.

Move out with of the house temporarily till YOUR HUSBAND COMES TO HIS SENSES.
If he does not. . . .kiss his azzze goodbye.

maryswags:
And Mr mnoremi what if ur mum messes wit ur wife? I have seen some mother in laws that torment their daughters in law, and pretend to be very nice to them when their son is around. Infact my mother in law is like that! My husband had to hide in a place and watched d way his mother treated me, before he believed all d complains I had been making, and when he entered the room his mother was so ashamed! Most mothers in law are actually nice people, but the biggest problem they have is JEALOUSY, and d big questions are 1)is it not somebodys son they married 2)do they want to marry their sons 3)is it not sumbody elses son their own daughters will get married to? My advice to men who want to have a peaceful and long lasting marriage is to love their mum, but set boundaries for her, she has no business interfering in your marriage (I'm so sure she must have complained bitterly when her own mother in law did same to her, so why do it to your sons wife?) I know men love their mothers, but face it she would die and leave u, ur wife and kids will remain wif u, so if u allow such little 'pocknosings' ruin ur marriage, wen ur mamas gone, u gonna hate urself!

true
Some dont want thier sons to get married at all.

knowledge4:
The Post below is my opinion on the topic above,uploaded from my blog,www.relationship4growth..com.

MOTHER-IN-LAW:THE BANE OF MANY AILING MARRIAGES
There is a general pre-conceived notion by many wives across the world that mothers-in-law are mean, wicked and wish them dead. Therefore the mother-in-law is a person that many wives wish they never had anything to do with. Many spinsters dread the thought of having a mother-in-law when they marry and very few wives have ever had any thing good to say about their mothers-in-law.

The causes of the breakdown in many marriages have been traced to the overbearing attitude of mothers-in-law and it is fast becoming a well known fact that the mother-in-law is the bane of many ailing marriages. It is in this regard that mothers-in-law are often seen and regarded by many as troublesome, poke nosing persons, antagonistic and the greatest enemy and rival of her daughter –in-law.

The question to ask is: Are mothers-in-law truly mean and wicked and why is it so?
The question is necessary in light of the fact that the mother-in-law was previously a daughter-in-law.

To be able to provide answers to these questions, it will be necessary to critically analyze and examine the roles played by the three parties to the conflict – the son, the wife and the mother-in-law. Through the analysis, the causes of the conflict will be determined and solutions proffered.


The Causes of the Conflict

The wife’s role

On account of the pre-conceived notions about mothers-in-laws that many wives had while they were spinsters, many of them came into their marriage prepared for the battle that must be fought to put their mother-in-law in the right place. So if these wives have naturally loving and caring mothers-in-law, they would misconstrue everything done and said by their mothers-in-law. In this regard, the wives have placed themselves on the offensive.

Another cause of the problem is the illusion that many wives have that their husbands must dissociate from his parents and cling to them. These wives are quick to quote the Bible verse that says that a ‘man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife’’ However, the wife seems to fail to realize that the same Bible says that ‘’a man shall honor his parents’’.

Further questions that will be addressed here are: Within the context of marriage, how is a husband expected to honor his parents? How does a man cleave unto his wife without straining the relationship with his parents?

It is ironic that the same wife, who wants her husband to dissociate from her his parents in the name of clinging to her, would have her own mother in her home at every excuse. Unfortunately, some husbands who did not realize the manipulative politics of their wives aimed at creating a bad impression about their mothers, have on account of the mischievous reports given them by the wives, spoken harshly to their mothers and have alienated them.


The Mother-in-law’s role

A mother’s relationship with her son is one of the most intimate but non-intimate relationships. A close bond develops between mother and son through breastfeeding him as a baby and the bond continues throughout life even in her son’s adult and marital life. It is a bond that makes many a mother to be very passionate about her son. Many mothers will naturally see their sons as little husbands

Many mothers have suffered lots of emotional attacks in their lifetime especially those who got married to difficult, impossible, unloving and abusive husbands who made life uneasy for them. They were there for their sons while young at his most vulnerable periods and bore the burden of his upbringing when he was growing up, learning to take his first steps, during sickness or struggling. Such mothers would look to their sons for solace and want to be accepted and loved by him and his wife.

When the wife appears on the scene to marry her son, who will have to shift his attention from his mother to his wife, the mother feels oppressed and may become heartbroken especially where there is no cordiality in the relations between her and her son’s family. These mothers fail to realize that they must become secondary while the wife becomes a priority in her husband’s life. Therefore, another cause of the raging conflict between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law is a battle for who gets the attention of the son/husband.Plainly,it is a battle for control of the attention of the son/husband.

However, while there are touchy mothers-in-law who are difficult to please no matter how a wife strives, some mothers have genuine intentions and a sincere concern for the welfare of her son but the way her good intention will be received by her daughter-in-law will depend on her diplomacy.

Where a mother-in-law had a rough and an unhappy marriage with her husband, and now sees her daughter-in-law in a cordial and happy marriage with her son, she may become envious and will do anything to trouble her daughter-in-law's peace, to upset the marriage. She refuses to accept that her daughter-in-law now owns her son.So,the crisis is also borne out of envy.

The African mother-in-law has ''enormous powers'' unlike her western counterpart.The African mother-in-law derives her enormous powers from cultural and traditional values.In Africa, we have the extended family system which is a highly commendable system.It makes a member to be his brother's keeper,to cater for others outside his nuclear family and to be a father to them. But one major defect is that it makes a member to have an assumed right to meddle in the marital affairs of another member.

In many parts of Africa,the wife is not just married to her husband but is married to the whole family. In many parts,she is seen as a slave,an item of purchase or a nonentity who has no voice of her own.In many parts,parents match make and the mother-in-law plays a prominent role. Naturally,the mother-in-law becomes a ''godfather'' to her daughter -in-law with the ''power'' to fire her if she falls out of favor.

In many parts,open display of affection for a wife by her husband is often viewed as unmanliness or personal weakness.Therefore,many husbands support their relations against their wives even when it is clear that the wife is the aggrieved party.These husbands prefer to lose or strain their marriages in order to be in the ''good books'' of their relations.
These husbands watch helplessly while their mothers undo their marriages.Many African wives are often no match for their mothers-in-law simply because their husbands fail to protect them.Therefore,they lose out.

In the instances stated above,the son/husband takes the whole blame for his inability to break loose from this absurd orientation in the name of tradition.The basic problem here is the son/husband's failure to leave and to cleave unto his wife as Scripture commands in Genesis 2:24


The Son’s role

The son/husband is always at the center of the conflict which is a battle for his attention. Many sons have consciously and unconsciously fuelled the crisis by their mishandling of the situation.

Despite being married to their wives, some sons are still emotionally attached to their mothers or tied to her apron strings and would run to their mothers for succor at every turn. Such sons contribute to the conflict by granting their mothers the power to meddle or to interfere in their marital affairs, by their immaturity to face their responsibilities as men. A son who allows his parents to interfere in his marital affairs has set the stage for conflict which must occur if his wife resents such interference.
It is the emotional attachment that an overbearing mother exploits to trouble her son’s wife. Some sons blindly take sides with their mothers against their wives which worsen the situation and hasten the breakdown of the marriage

These sons fail to realize that there is a world of a difference between respect for one’s parents and servitude to them. Obedience to the biblical command to honor one’s parents does not permit a son to allow parental interference in his marital affairs but the son is bound to relate with them and to provide for them. Also a son who has complied with the biblical command to leave his parents and cleave to his wife will not allow third party interference in his marital affairs.


Suggested Solution

The Wife

The wife must realize that her relationship with her in-laws is a sensitive one that must not be ruptured. The wife should know that when she marries, she marries her husband along with his family and that her husband’s parents are also her parents. The wife is also required to honor her parents and the biblical command to honor one’s parents also includes honoring one’s parent figures such as in-laws.

A wife is expected to humble herself before her in-laws, be accommodating, tolerate and love them. Love is the foundation and the bedrock of every marriage but this love should be extended not only to the husband but also to the in-laws even if the wife thinks that they do not like her. She can not obliterate her in-laws and should check herself to see if there are any issues within her which caused the friction. She must not be on the offensive through pre-conceived notions that mothers-in-law are evil.

She must realize that her in-laws can do unacceptable things just like her own parents and instead of reacting negatively to stir up trouble, she should learn to overlook some errors. She should realize that what she sows in her relationship with her mother-in-law, she will reap in the future when she becomes a mother-in-law.

The Son

The Son has a major role to play to ensure cordial relations between his wife and her in-laws. His marriage to his wife must not be strained just as his wife’s relationship with her in-laws must not be allowed to rupture. The son should as the head of the home, lead every conflict resolution between his wife and her in-laws and not allow the misunderstandings to degenerate.

The Son must stand by his wife and protect her from his relations because marriage is leaving and cleaving to each other. Husband and wife are one flesh in marriage and are expected to be totally committed to each other’s happiness. Marriage is a bond and a covenant which must not be broken. It is not a marriage of convenience but a lifelong commitment to each other. They should not allow the parental bond which existed before the marriage to destabilize the marriage. In this wise, husband and wife must stand together to protect the marriage against external attacks.

The son should not take any steps that will create an occasion for third parties to come poke nosing into the affairs of his family. This is the point where many sons have gone wrong.

For the son to maintain a balanced relationship between his nuclear family and the extended family on one hand and to maintain a cordial relationship between himself and his wife requires careful handling, tact, wisdom and maturity. In every marriage, in-law misunderstandings may frequently occur but such issues must not be allowed to degenerate to destroy one’s marriage.

From the above, it has been established that the solution to the conflict lies in the hands of the husband and wife to maintain cordial relations with in-laws while ensuring that their own marriage is not strained.

The ball is in the court of the couple to stand as a united front to protect their union from external attacks and this is realizable when they can recognize that persons such as mothers-in-law are external parties to the marriage.The son/husband has a major role to play.

www.relationship4growth..com

@bolded... This is the case with most MILs.