Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

Safest Way to Drive


Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving
habits, offers the following advice:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly
proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's
exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds
are caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

Funnys

Late one Friday night, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. It's Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five of those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and of course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later..." Then, the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"


Share your driving jokes

Nice

Cool

Bumper sticker: IF YOU CAN READ THIS, I CAN SLAM ON MY BRAKES AND SUE YOU.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idi0t and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman,
I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280.
Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

An Irishman who'd had a bit too much to drink was driving
home from the city one night. His car was weaving all over the road,
and a cop pulled him over.
"So," said the cop, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slured the drunk.
"Looks like you've had quite a few this evening?"
"I did all right," the drunk said with a smile.
"Did you know," said the cop, standing straight and folding
his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back,
your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighed the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over.
He rolled down his window and said to the officer,
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving
and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award.
Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -
he's a smart-ass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

dis 1 is

██████ 100% joke

thumbs up ^^^

joerux60: A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over.
He rolled down his window and said to the officer,
"Is there a problem, Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving
and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award.
Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -
he's a smart-ass when he's drunk and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Hahahahhahahahahhahhahhaha cant stop laughing. Nice joke. Me likey

thanx Jojo. i have hijacked da thread a little bit

A guy asked a passer-by:

"What's the quickest way to York?"

"Are you walking or driving?"

"Driving."

"That's the quickest way."

Sir, you've been carjacked...

Bridge joke:
A trucker driving along on the freeway notices a road sign in the distance that reads Low Bridge Ahead.

Sure enough, the trucker gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police officer arrives at the scene. The cop gets out of his cruiser and walks around to the truck driver. He puts his hands on his hips and remarks, "Looks like you got stuck, huh?"

The trucker replies sarcastically, No, officer, actually I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of fuel!

Dads...

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it"

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."

His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."

hey Amaka G29, tell me how you car jacked!


A traffic cop pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway.
Glancing into the car, he was astounded to see that the young lady,
who was driving, was knitting.

Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren,
the policeman wound down his window, turned on his loudspeaker and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO', the young lady yelled back, 'IT's A SCARF!'

What To Do About Cars Speeding In Villages?
The local council could not afford a speed camera, so they put up a sign saying:
Slow down Old People's Home. - It had no effect.

At the next meeting the decided to play on the paternal instincts and put up a sign:
Danger - Children at Play. The result was no discernable reduction in traffic speed.

Then the chairman had a brain-wave and suggested they try a sign with:
Nudist Colony. - As a result of the Nudist Colony notice, white vans and lorries crawl thought the village.

One night Rodney was driving home along a road he knew well.
When he reached the Stop sign he slowed down but did not
actually come to a halt, whereupon a police officer pulled Rodney's car over.

'What difference does it make' said Rodney, 'slow down or stop'.
'I will give you a demonstration' said the officer and starting
beating Rodney with his truncheon.' Now would you like me to slow down - or stop

FOLLOW FOLLOW BE CAREFUL!
Behind a luxurious inscribed d above. Noticed that all vehicles leave its back (on reading it)

The following are a sampling of real answers received on driving exams:

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry a loaded weapon

Nice

One cab driver said to another: "Why have you got one side of your cab painted red and the other side painted blue?"

"Well, when I get in an accident, the police always believe my version of what happened, because all the witnesses contradict each other."

No Parking Zone

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

This police officer stops this woman on the highway and walks
up to her and asks her if she know why he stopped her.
"No.", the woman replies.
"Because you don't have any tail lights", the police officer
told her. So she get out and walks around the back of the car
and started crying.
"It's just tail lights you don't need to cry."
"It's not that... where is my trailer?!"

Funny