PrettyCindy:

Its not about playing saint and attracting pity. The beauty of anonymous internet forums like this is you have the opportunity to call black black and white white without caring whose ox is g........(can't remember the spelling for that). In the first place why will anyone even come to nairaland to lie about sensitive issues like this? Why will anyone tell lies against his or her spouse or ex? Personally i kind of see it as foolishness and stupidity because somebody telling lies here and still want advice will only get advice based on the lie the person told and at the end of the day the advise will be useless to that person........ so why bother in the first place?

The experience of the ladies with usernames debrief and cotton10 are quite worse than mine and i donot doubt their story one bit not really because it happened to me too but cos i have witnessed this "turbulent affairs". For instance when i was in the university the guy staying in the room opposite mine was quite a character, all what my ex did to me and our marriage are all nothing compared to what i "saw" this guy do to this lady. If i had been told, i would have concluded that the person was lieing. Take it or leave it people can be mean. In my own case even i was totally confused about why i was being maltreated by my own husband until he opened up that he only married me for marrying sake and not that he loved me and the day he told me i was the least important thing to me confirmed it all.

To your questions: we dated for 3months, i only met a few of his family and friends (parents are dead).
Was i desperate.....honestly i was kind of under pressure from my mum. I actually saw some of his bad sides but i never ever knew it would worsen by 1000 times and i attributed it to "nobody being perfect" and also believed what he said with his mouth that he would change once we are married, when we got married he said he would change when i start having kids, well i got pregnant and he added physical abuse to it.
The plain fact is my ex hubby never loved me (its easier for men to pretend to love than women) and he did all he could to frustrate me out of the marriage so that it would be that am the one that left. Funny he got tired of the pretence and craved bachelorhood so much that he packed out of the house. The few months we courted he didn't hit me or portray any violent behaviour though he told me how he seriously beat up his ex fiancee (talk about the broom used to chase d first wife being kept for the second wife) who is the mother of his first son and he told me he will never beat his wife (indeed) and he once fought an okada man.
This man am talking about is so innocent looking and talks like a baby. He looks like an angel and heck even i would deny for him if am on the other side of the fence! I have learnt from my terrible mistake and i pray and believe that God who sees and knows all i haven through will settle me accordingly and make things right for me.

Lady those things i have written in various post are actually true, if you have seen people who lie against their spouse here, well am not lieing ok. I just love the fact that i can freely express myself here and not keep any unnecessary load but maybe i will stop talking about the ugly marriage experience or even make any reference to it. I hope i answered your questions. Any spelling mistake should please be pardoned, am typing this in a rush and want to go back to sleep.

You misunderstood me.
I never said you were lying.

I was just curious to know if the signs were there while you were dating.
You confirmed they were but hoped he will change.

The greatest mistake people make is thinking a partner will change after marriage.
Nobody can ever be changed except he/she willingly wishes to change.

I just wish people would be more sensitive.
It will save the rate of divorce.

Nobody is really bad, it's just compatibility issues.
A bad man/woman will turn up to be an angel to another partner.

@Pretty Cindy

She did not call you a liar. I hardly ever agree with Blue diva on this forum but I have to say she raised some very important points there. I am married to a man that loves dancing and trust me, I gave him one hell of a hard time during courtship cos I just assumed he must love clubbing and drinking as well cos yea that is one thing I thought he did whenever he went to the club . It took a lot from him to convince me that it was just a hobby and nothing more and that he could care less if clubs exist. I agree if you saw these signs then I think you both should partake in the blame and not him alone. Don't get me wrong cos I am in no way supporting him BUT the signs were there and you chose to ignore it or better still you chose to MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIM(many women do this). It is an entirely different scenario if the guy hid his bad sides from you but if he didn't and showed you a little of that horrible side of him and you still went ahead to marry him then both of you should chop the blame small.

I am happy you found your legs and walked before he killed you but please the next time you wanno tie the knots, stop making excuses for him and go in with your eyes wide open.

Thanks Bluediva and Jenny. Believe me i have always blamed myself for everything. All the times (quite alot) i cried when living with him, i was a kind of crying to myself as to why i let myself into the great mess. I have been finding it difficult to forgive myself for letting myself be used like a slave and treated like trash because "i know better". I should have waited a while and not made the mistake of believing "e go better once we marry". Talking and discussing about it all and pouring my heart out to the world (nairaland) has kind of made me feel better and i have forgiven myself haven't realised all i made was a bad judgement which anyone can be a victim of. From the experience of other people i actually learnt that am not alone so i don't have to be ashamed of being a single mother. @Jenny i haven't walked down the aisle ooo! It was just brideprice ex paid. But by the special grace of God, i must wear that gown (u know what i mean. Lol).

^^^^^^^^^^ . iT IS WELL DEAR, People make mistakes and the best lesson is to learn from them. I pray that your ex-changes or else he will meet a woman that will ruin him with unforgiveness and torture, he is under a demonic influence. God help him.

chaircover:

Amen ooooooo!!! This is the bit that concerns me jare Special discount for you on your bridal gown when you are ready

madam cc do u sell wedding gowns?

chaircover:

Amen ooooooo!!! This is the bit that concerns me jare Special discount for you on your bridal gown when you are ready

Hahahahaha biz woman. When the time come, i go yarn with you.

jennykadry: She did not call you a liar. I hardly ever agree with Blue diva on this forum but I have to say she raised some very important points there. I am married to a man that loves dancing and trust me, I gave him one hell of a hard time during courtship cos I just assumed he must love clubbing and drinking as well cos yea that is one thing I thought he did whenever he went to the club . It took a lot from him to convince me that it was just a hobby and nothing more and that he could care less if clubs exist. I agree if you saw these signs then I think you both should partake in the blame and not him alone. Don't get me wrong cos I am in no way supporting him BUT the signs were there and you chose to ignore it or better still you chose to MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIM(many women do this). It is an entirely different scenario if the guy hid his bad sides from you but if he didn't and showed you a little of that horrible side of him and you still went ahead to marry him then both of you should chop the blame small.

Post!

I often shake my head - not so vigourously as to do my self any harm of course - in bewilderment, when people come up in here and absolutely demonise their spouses or ex-spouses. Not willing to accept any fault on their part while they paint "the other party" blacker than filth.

Whatever you believe - and I'm convinced that there's a divine grace that goes with marriage whatever you do believe - if you follow pretty much any accepted pre-marriage protocol,engage your support systems and do even a minimal due dilligence, potential problems will be very apparent. What you choose to do with these flags is down to you and the consequences your fault.

Short of being marched down the aisle at gunpoint, the very least anyone should confess to is an error of judgement. In fact a really humble person would simply put their hands up, confess to poor judgement or too being a bit hasty or reckless.

The decision who and when to marry is everyone's individual responsibility. To be mature enough to marry, means to be mature enough to accept responsibility. Hold yourself accountable. It'll speed healing and hopefully help avoid a repeat showing.

Show me someone who claims their marriage breakdown was all the other persons fault and I'll show you a liar.


TV

^{now let me read the thread from the beginning}

Gaggi: Some men could be heartless. Why can't people just look well before leaping into marriage. Most people marry these days for everything apart from luv. I hardly sympathize with people who have difficult marriages. As long as one wasn't forced to marry, the onus falls on u to look properly, scrutinize and be sensitive. Tell tale signs are always there but most people choose to ignore them.

so it is people's fault that dey end up in a bad marriage. You sound very immature, no wonder you are still single. Keep scrutinizing and stop praying. no matter how well you scrutinize you can't know someone fully without living with him.

^
U are a dummy if u dnt knw ur partner. Its not my fault u married a drunk or womanizer or both. U shld have shone ur eyes more. Sorry to disappoint u, i'm not single and no i dnt want u.

The husbands problem is his ego, his manhood has been challenged because the wife takes care of the home and he's now become one of the kids she's looking after. His own claim to power is putting his hands on her. She is not at any fault he won't change till he gets comfortable again and can provide like how it is expected of him.

Your friend could try and not make things shes paying for so obvious she shud set up direct debits so bill don't come to the house as every time he looks at bills laying around he might take it out of context. She should do things that make him feel he's still the man of the house such as compliment him, give him good company and a good conversation, cook and serve him happily with a kiss as if he's the most important person in the world. Men have a very soft spot u have to use this to your advantage.

I hope your friends situation changes.

90love: The husbands problem is his ego, his manhood has been challenged because the wife takes care of the home and he's now become one of the kids she's looking after. His own claim to power is putting his hands on her. She is not at any fault [/b]he won't change till he gets comfortable again and can provide like how it is expected of him.

Your friend could try and not make things shes paying for so obvious she shud set up direct debits so bill don't come to the house as every time he looks at bills laying around he might take it out of context. [b]She should do things that make him feel he's still the man of the house such as compliment him, give him good company and a good conversation, cook and serve him happily with a kiss as if he's the most important person in the world. Men have a very soft spot u have to use this to your advantage.

I hope your friends situation changes.

The fist part I highlighted, is not true, any woman that can come here and disrespect her husband, does much worse at home. The second won't happen cos the woman really does not want the marriage to change as the husband will always remember the insults and degradation he suffered at her hands.

@johndoe100

Your acting like you know the woman personally, coming on here looking for advise is in no way shape or form a way to disrespect her husband. Why are you assuming she can't make those changes to better her situation?
Do you think it's ok to live with an insecure abusive husband? It's clear that your a man that's heavily embedded in this culture but from today you should know that it's not a woman's right to stand for it, it will never be ok for a man to put his hands on his wife even if she did disrespect him which I don't see how she has from this post.
So because she's handling the house and managing the bills and INDEPENDANTLY looking after her family we should sympathise and make it like the husbands behaviour is to be expected and tolerated.

Please, don't make a stupid person turn you stupid OP make the changes and treat your husband like how you did when you first started dating give him that high respect as if he's a God amongst humans and see if he won't change. Make him comfortable in the situation because it sound to me like he's almost lost his identity for all you know he might only know how to be the bread winner now he's not that he doesn't know what to be.

Don't give up and stand strong. Bleep

90love: @johndoe100

Your acting like you know the woman personally, coming on here looking for advise is in no way shape or form a way to disrespect her husband. Why are you assuming she can't make those changes to better her situation?
Do you think it's ok to live with an insecure abusive husband? It's clear that your a man that's heavily embedded in this culture but from today you should know that it's not a woman's right to stand for it, it will never be ok for a man to put his hands on his wife even if she did disrespect him which I don't see how she has from this post.
So because she's handling the house and managing the bills and INDEPENDANTLY looking after her family we should sympathise and make it like the husbands behaviour is to be expected and tolerated.

Please, don't make a stupid person turn you stupid OP make the changes and treat your husband like how you did when you first started dating give him that high respect as if he's a God amongst humans and see if he won't change. Make him comfortable in the situation because it sound to me like he's almost lost his identity for all you know he might only know how to be the bread winner now he's not that he doesn't know what to be.

Don't give up and stand strong. Bleep

Really? Maybe you should keep quiet and learn their culture before you start insulting people no?

Johndoe100:

Really? Maybe you should keep quiet and learn their culture before you start insulting people no?

Your blabbing like a hungry dog have you only just learnt how to highlight that's why you keep highlighting I know exactly what I said. If someone doesn't put their hands on you you should never aim to put your hands on them the man knows he can take the woman he uses his strength to claim power and keep his position as the head of the house when he doesn't need violence to do so.
I should go and learn their culture which culture it's probably the same culture as yours that thinks its ok for a man to beat his wife if she "disrespects him" which the OP didn't even do I think in your culture it must also be allowed for a woman to beat her husband if he disrespects her? Maybe I'll join this culture and we can all just be beating on each other like bongo drums. Next time you should be quiet and exercise humility the OP/OP's friend is no house dog to be used and abused.

jennykadry: ^^^ What? are you serious? You married a kid. I mean which man comes home everyday and tells his wife his ex girlfriend from no where called him suddenly and started begging him for marriage? that man has a big time insecurity issues. BIG TIME

. ♍Ɣ ex use †ø̲ tell M̶̲̥̅ε̲̣̣̣̥ dose words

What a weak woman!
Condolences in advance.