Personally,

I look at a person’s life as having different levels of challenge/mastery, which are like Karate belts

White belt – Single Person
Brown belt – Married
Black belt – Married with Children

Being married with Children is the ultimate level with many challenges and tests to learn from (along with the many joys that come along with this).

Here are some key areas that have been keys to my successful marriage:

Communication
For my wife and me communication has been the KEY. You really have to talk to each other and listen to what the other person is saying. Acknowledge their feelings and make sure they feel that you understand them. Marriage is a partnership; it’s not all about you.

Acknowledgement
I see many wives who do so much to take care of their husbands, children, the household, as well as work a full time job. In many of the cases the wives are frustrated and overwhelmed. It is so important to help each other out and not be lazy. The biggest thing you can do is to at least take the time to appreciate your spouse. If you do this they will love you even more, and feel really good about doing those things. When you don’t show appreciation or help out, resentment can come in and feelings of not being supported. Every time my wife makes me a meal or does something for me I thank her and make sure I tell her how delicious the food was. She loves to cook for me because she knows it means a lot to me and she gets well appreciated.

Finances
I used to deal with all the finances in our household, but the problem was my wife had no concept of how much money we had, and how easy it was spent. Women love to buy things. Even more than guys like electronics. I know many people’s wives that spend the money as fast as they make it. The key I have found is to make the woman of the house responsible for the finances so that she relates to the money. This turned our finances from just making it by every month to saving a lot of money.

Arguments
If you have an argument or fight, don’t run off or leave things unfinished. You need to get closure and work things out. It’s ok to take a few minutes to think about things or cool down, but you don’t want to slam the door and take off in an angry burst. Feelings of anger and frustration will just grow and grow till it ruins your marriage. Don’t bottle things up, talk about it and work something out.

Compromise and Change
Couples have different things in their household life which are important, but in most cases they are small things. Things like cleaning up after your self, putting the toilet seat down, arranging the house in a certain way. Don’t resist change on these small things. I have found that if I just adapt and do the small things that are important to her it makes a huge difference. Then when there are things that are important to me I let her know and she adapts and changes to my needs. It is a give and take.

Romance
We live in a busy fast moving age. You come home, eat dinner, maybe watch TV and then go to sleep. It is too easy to loose the romance that is such a binding force for a marriage. As a guy I know it is hard to do the romantic stuff, but women NEED this. If you don’t take the time to do fun things, surprise her, do things which make her feel loved and appreciated, you’ll be in trouble. I used to give excuses about many of the holidays being so commercial and not wanting to buy into it. My wife let me get away with it for a while. The problemdidn’t that I didn’t do much in place of those holidays. In the end she sdidn’tthat she didn’t care if they were commercial holidays, and that she expected flowers, cards, gifts, surprises.

These were just some things. There is so much more. Marriage is such a beautiful and fulfilling thing. Enjoy it! Learn from it!

^^ What a refreshing thread extolling the struggles, sacrifices, virtues & rewards of married life.

Nice work @poster, thanks for sharing

Efemena_xy: ^^ What a refreshing thread extolling the struggles, sacrifices, virtues & rewards of married life.

Nice work @poster, thanks for sharing

thanks!

Very good job op, God bless ur family.

Op very 9ice 1

@taryour n tasandra,thank u for the appreciation.

@chaircover,u an authority in this field and i still doff my hat for some many elegant stuff u ve posted.keep up the gud work.

chaircover: Please shout it loud and clear!!!!

I totally agree with a lot of things that you wrote there. For me, its the romance and we are getting there and by hook or by crook we will . I rather have a bunch of roses or small gift every month than a large sum of money for my birthday.

I want you to go to the shops and feel the pain of parking the car, looking for change to put in the parking meter, shopping; finding your car where you parked it LOL and coming back to wrap that present up with sellotape and not brown masking tape or left over christmas wrapping paper to wrap up a birthday gift

Ehn, I will so cry and chuck it back in his face, reason being I bet it will not be to my taste and be too damned expensive and I am sure if I was to get it myself, it'd have cost me 1/5th of what he got it for, so the only "gift" I appreciate are "Giftcards/Gift Vouchers/Gift Certificates"

Nice one bro; your post is quite informative.

chaircover: errmmmm to be honest, I dont mind the vouchers cos the gifts buying is mostly I mean how can anyone buy someone an exercise ball on valentines day

But the problem with vouchers is that he deliberately gets me John Lewis or Marks and spencers etc ones . . .and then he ends up "borrowing" the vouchers and never gives me the money back

I love the "borrowing" part, smart man, lol. Next time hide one perforated side or scratch off the foil, and tell him you have used it online

Hahaha, that's like my younger ones who buys me those balls too one year, and a grilling machine the next for Christmas, what are they trying to tell me

@ poster:beautiful write-up.

The issue of acknowledgment and appreciation in marriage tends to be watered down due to over familiarity. Just made my hubby a pot of good soup,he's eating no comment I ask so how's the food he says 'but you know you are a good cook, ok the soup is sweet' am like its not that, say that the food the sweet let me hear.
We get too familiar with each other that atimes we neglect things that should be appreciated.

@ OP Great post and extremely helpful too
BUT
Finances part: I can never advise any woman to handle household finance early days of marriage I used to....hubby is no spenddrift but he never worried for money whereas me i spent most time calculating and budgeting.... though na him dey work longer hours but the man was getting younger and me was getting crows feet from staring at receipts and calculator and sorting bills out abeg .....
One day i just carried that yeye responsibilty to the man jare and now use that time to apply eye cream to combat this yeye crow feet.....frankly just like I donot take out the dustbin ...I donot do the household finances (for our businesses I do) but not for household....because the other party has no idea that Tesco increases prices every week...every little increase helps!

feminine A: @ poster:beautiful write-up.

The issue of acknowledgment and appreciation in marriage tends to be watered down due to over familiarity. Just made my hubby a pot of good soup,he's eating no comment I ask so how's the food he says 'but you know you are a good cook, ok the soup is sweet' am like its not that, say that the food the sweet let me hear.
We get too familiar with each other that atimes we neglect things that should be appreciated.

thnks feminine,

we need to make conscious effort to be intentional about commending our partners.we get too familiar at times buy thinking,'she will understand',she may not understand!

horny4u: @ OP Great post and extremely helpful too
BUT
Finances part: I can never advise any woman to handle household finance early days of marriage I used to....hubby is no spenddrift but he never worried for money whereas me i spent most time calculating and budgeting.... though na him dey work longer hours but the man was getting younger and me was getting crows feet from staring at receipts and calculator and sorting bills out abeg .....
One day i just carried that yeye responsibilty to the man jare and now use that time to apply eye cream to combat this yeye crow feet.....frankly just like I donot take out the dustbin ...I donot do the household finances (for our businesses I do) but not for household....because the other party has no idea that Tesco increases prices every week...every little increase helps![i][/i]

wao!since it works for u stick to it.we guys are different u know

@ op, i tap from your blessing. What a wonderful man and husband you are. May God continue to strengthen the love and bond in your home.

PrettyCindy: @ op, i tap from your blessing. What a wonderful man and husband you are. May God continue to strengthen the love and bond in your home.

Amen,thanks for the prayer.i wish u a more blissful home!

I am actually crying because all these things are missing in my marriage. I have been married for 4yrs with 2 kids. If I try to talk to him he ignores me or says I talk too much. Mind u, I am the introvert here, he TALKS tooo much disclosing personal stuff to strangers. He hardly appreciates anything I do. Despite the fact that I work full time, I didn't have a house help until I was about resuming maternity leave for my 2nd child( he didn't want househelp). I did all the chores myself, he claims there is a washing machine dat I don't do much. He sits around and sends me on errands. He even says I am lazy sometimes. Since I had a house help I have been relieved. Always complains about about food and he cannot even cook noodles. Many times I regret marrying him. He changed completely. The area of finance is another kettle of fish. I make 90 percent of our income. I work in an oil company ( dis was just after we got married). I see this as a priviledge, so we have 1 purse. He access to my account and monitors my spending. I am not extravagant by any standard. My issue is not in buying clothes etc, he gets angry when ever I send money to my mum or siblings( dey don't know about dis). I am the 1st child and it is my responsibility to take care of them. I have 3 siblings and they are all independent. But once in a while dey need things from me. In fact dey give me more than I give them despite the fact I earn more than dem. If he discovers I sent money home, he sends money one distant cousin too. In fact I have concluded dat he does not love me. I made greatest mistake of my life. Sorry for barging into ur thread op, I just had to vent. I have never discussed this wif any1.

figures: I am actually crying because all these things are missing in my marriage. I have been married for 4yrs with 2 kids. If I try to talk to him he ignores me or says I talk too much. Mind u, I am the introvert here, he TALKS tooo much disclosing personal stuff to strangers. He hardly appreciates anything I do. Despite the fact that I work full time, I didn't have a house help until I was about resuming maternity leave for my 2nd child( he didn't want househelp). I did all the chores myself, he claims there is a washing machine dat I don't do much. He sits around and sends me on errands. He even says I am lazy sometimes. Since I had a house help I have been relieved. Always complains about about food and he cannot even cook noodles. Many times I regret marrying him. He changed completely. The area of finance is another kettle of fish. I make 90 percent of our income. I work in an oil company ( dis was just after we got married). I see this as a priviledge, so we have 1 purse. He access to my account and monitors my spending. I am not extravagant by any standard. My issue is not in buying clothes etc, he gets angry when ever I send money to my mum or siblings( dey don't know about dis). I am the 1st child and it is my responsibility to take care of them. I have 3 siblings and they are all independent. But once in a while dey need things from me. In fact dey give me more than I give them despite the fact I earn more than dem. If he discovers I sent money home, he sends money one distant cousin too. In fact I have concluded dat he does not love me. I made greatest mistake of my life. Sorry for barging into ur thread op, I just had to vent. I have never discussed this wif any1.

oti oooo...

figures: I am actually crying because all these things are missing in my marriage. I have been married for 4yrs with 2 kids. If I try to talk to him he ignores me or says I talk too much. Mind u, I am the introvert here, he TALKS tooo much disclosing personal stuff to strangers. He hardly appreciates anything I do. Despite the fact that I work full time, I didn't have a house help until I was about resuming maternity leave for my 2nd child( he didn't want househelp). I did all the chores myself, he claims there is a washing machine dat I don't do much. He sits around and sends me on errands. He even says I am lazy sometimes. Since I had a house help I have been relieved. Always complains about about food and he cannot even cook noodles. Many times I regret marrying him. He changed completely. The area of finance is another kettle of fish. I make 90 percent of our income. I work in an oil company ( dis was just after we got married). I see this as a priviledge, so we have 1 purse. He access to my account and monitors my spending. I am not extravagant by any standard. My issue is not in buying clothes etc, he gets angry when ever I send money to my mum or siblings( dey don't know about dis). I am the 1st child and it is my responsibility to take care of them. I have 3 siblings and they are all independent. But once in a while dey need things from me. In fact dey give me more than I give them despite the fact I earn more than dem. If he discovers I sent money home, he sends money one distant cousin too. In fact I have concluded dat he does not love me. I made greatest mistake of my life. Sorry for barging into ur thread op, I just had to vent. I have never discussed this wif any1.

oti oooo...

figures: I am actually crying because all these things are missing in my marriage. I have been married for 4yrs with 2 kids. If I try to talk to him he ignores me or says I talk too much. Mind u, I am the introvert here, he TALKS tooo much disclosing personal stuff to strangers. He hardly appreciates anything I do. Despite the fact that I work full time, I didn't have a house help until I was about resuming maternity leave for my 2nd child( he didn't want househelp). I did all the chores myself, he claims there is a washing machine dat I don't do much. He sits around and sends me on errands. He even says I am lazy sometimes. Since I had a house help I have been relieved. Always complains about about food and he cannot even cook noodles. Many times I regret marrying him. He changed completely. The area of finance is another kettle of fish. I make 90 percent of our income. I work in an oil company ( dis was just after we got married). I see this as a priviledge, so we have 1 purse. He access to my account and monitors my spending. I am not extravagant by any standard. My issue is not in buying clothes etc, he gets angry when ever I send money to my mum or siblings( dey don't know about dis). I am the 1st child and it is my responsibility to take care of them. I have 3 siblings and they are all independent. But once in a while dey need things from me. In fact dey give me more than I give them despite the fact I earn more than dem. If he discovers I sent money home, he sends money one distant cousin too. In fact I have concluded dat he does not love me. I made greatest mistake of my life. Sorry for barging into ur thread op, I just had to vent. I have never discussed this wif any1.

Hmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!! 90% of my income? and i can"t spend it the way i like oooooooo, sits around and sends you on errand? i do not mind the sitting around part, but the sending me on errand will not happen.

Yeah! Dats wat I go through, I know it is not normal. We keep 1 purse because in the begining, he didn't have a job and I felt it wasn't proper for me to give him cash, so he had my atm card. To be fair on him, he is very prudent, maybe too prudent. He only allowed me buy clothes wen my boss and colleagues started makin comments about my dressing.

figures: Yeah! Dats wat I go through, I know it is not normal. We keep 1 purse because in the begining, he didn't have a job and I felt it wasn't proper for me to give him cash, so he had my atm card. To be fair on him, he is very prudent, maybe too prudent. He only allowed me buy clothes wen my boss and colleagues started makin comments about my dressing.

Sorry, in this day and age, your jobless husband shouldn't have access to your bank account, especially with the restrictions he has placed on you. Please, cut him off the account and re-open a joint account that both of you have access to and to which you transfer a small portion of your earnings. If he asks you why, tell him you're not happy with the way he behaves when you send money to your parents and siblings (sending YOUR hard-earned money to some random distant cousin). Also tell him how you need him to be more helpful in the house. Use your woman's wiles to burst into tears and tell him you're tired and almost going crazy with stress. Tell him you're going to die if he doesn't start helping you! It's not that hard if you're a good actress. He'll get the point and stop being a prick. Whatever happens, don't let him back into your primary account.

figures: I am actually crying because all these things are missing in my marriage. I have been married for 4yrs with 2 kids. If I try to talk to him he ignores me or says I talk too much. Mind u, I am the introvert here, he TALKS tooo much disclosing personal stuff to strangers. He hardly appreciates anything I do. Despite the fact that I work full time, I didn't have a house help until I was about resuming maternity leave for my 2nd child( he didn't want househelp). I did all the chores myself, he claims there is a washing machine dat I don't do much. He sits around and sends me on errands. He even says I am lazy sometimes. Since I had a house help I have been relieved. Always complains about about food and he cannot even cook noodles. Many times I regret marrying him. He changed completely. The area of finance is another kettle of fish. I make 90 percent of our income. I work in an oil company ( dis was just after we got married). I see this as a priviledge, so we have 1 purse. He access to my account and monitors my spending. I am not extravagant by any standard. My issue is not in buying clothes etc, he gets angry when ever I send money to my mum or siblings( dey don't know about dis). I am the 1st child and it is my responsibility to take care of them. I have 3 siblings and they are all independent. But once in a while dey need things from me. In fact dey give me more than I give them despite the fact I earn more than dem. If he discovers I sent money home, he sends money one distant cousin too. In fact I have concluded dat he does not love me. I made greatest mistake of my life.[i][/i][color=#990000][/color] Sorry for barging into ur thread op, I just had to vent. I have never discussed this wif any1.

dear figures,
it is too early to conclude.the bolded has nothing to do with whether he loves u or not.do u know that a lot factors shape us as human being as we grow up.factors like family background,environmental influence,exposure, circle of friends etc and as such it might take some time for some hobbies to adjust.i have seen a lot of guys with such deficit change overtime.urs wont be an exception!
Be that as it may,i have seen quiet a lot of ladies go through what u are going thru.here is the joker: u have done well by not reciprocating evil for evil and i must salute your level of maturity so far.never despair now!ur persistence and prayers will soon pay off.
DON'T STOP LOVING HIM.

kristonium:

dear figures,
it is too early to conclude.the bolded has nothing to do with whether he loves u or not.do u know that a lot factors shape us as human being as we grow up.factors like family background,environmental influence,exposure, circle of friends etc and as such it might take some time for some hobbies to adjust.i have seen a lot of guys with such deficit change overtime.urs wont be an exception!
Be that as it may,i have seen quiet a lot of ladies go through what u are going thru.here is the joker: u have done well by not reciprocating evil for evil and i must salute your level of maturity so far.never despair now!ur persistence and prayers will soon pay off.
DON'T STOP LOVING HIM.

thanks, that is the reassurance I need.

figures: thanks, that is the reassurance I need.

all will be well!
REJOICE EVERMORE!

figures: thanks, that is the reassurance I need.

In addition to the reassurance, abeg follow this too:

moremi2008: re-open a joint account that both of you have access to and to which you transfer a small portion of your earnings.

Also tell him how you need him to be more helpful in the house. Use your woman's wiles to burst into tears and tell him you're tired and almost going crazy with stress.

Actually, its ur choice if you want him to have full access to ur account. But he needs to inform u before spending it and you shouldn't restrict u either.

OP,

Nice write-up. I haven't finished reading though. Will go back and do that.

There is a difference between theory and practicals; reality has a way of giving one a rude awakening. To those talking of joint account this, inform me before spending the cash that - hope you are ready when the real war starts? All these things she is crying about should have been talked over before marriage and not coming now to do cry baby. The best she can do is to open a new salary account so that money will stop entering this current one but be ready to face the music.

Tgirl4real:

In addition to the reassurance, abeg follow this too:



Actually, its ur choice if you want him to have full access to ur account. But he needs to inform u before spending it and you shouldn't restrict u either.

OP,

Nice write-up. I haven't finished reading though. Will go back and do that.

Well, if the free-access thing was working out well, she wouldn't be on here complaining. No man will like having to "inform" his wife before spending money (ego issues). Her best bet is to separate the accounts.

Figures the fact that you earn most of the money does not mean that your husband should not be able to make decisions regarding the money. In a family it is wise for the man and woman to plan together for the future.
It is also not unusual that he did not want a househelp, many people would avoid taking a househelp if they could afford to, they often come with a lot of problems.
As regards the errand sending, I can only shake my head. That`s your husband and it is your duty as a wife to serve him hands and feet!!!!
I do not think that your man does not appreciate you, I am sure he does however four years is a very short time give him time!!!

^^ are you for real So what she's going through is ideal and he just needs more time! Jesus!! ..smh

Please re-read her post and this time slowly.

@ figures, what you're going through is not the norm, don't let anyone tell you it is. Ofcourse, I know marriage is not a walk in the park, but when you identify a problem, you look for a way out.
You know your man better than anyone, use whatever approach will work best. You can try communication, being firmer,prayer, whatever! Moremi and some other people have dropped some advice.

My dear, you have a right to be happy.. Look for ways to get your joy back without abusing the sanctity of marriage ofcourse.

Figures' story is one of the many reasons I get put off, of marriage and I don't want to go there.
But I really am sorry for what you are going through. I hope you find a solution to your challenges.

Sorry Mutter,

please dont take it personal. I think you read some stories upside down.