Hi Nl,
This post is about a conversation i had with my friend recently& she couldnt get it so i am hoping i can get honest advice here.
Ok here goes, i am a 26 year old never been married single mom& the only men who hav asked me out in the last two years are the under 35 never been married kind. The problem with this is i want to marry an older man who has kids because i think that will be the best kind of setting to raise my child.
My last relationship ended middle last year mainly cos i realized that my boyfriend treated my child like he was mildly irritating. He actually once said he wishes he met me before i had my child...
Anyway, I have since then i decided not to date anyone who didnt already have children. I know these kinds of relationship come with their own issues but...
so what do u all think should i date any of these young men asking me out? or should i wait for the ready made family i am dreaming about?
pls be kind with your comments. Thanks Y'all.

do you have something against younger men who have kids?

eg baby daddies [for want of a better phrase].

@OP
so long as these men are not in a r/ship, you can date whoever you wish (if that makes you happy).

@ OP where are you located?

@tpia, i havent really thought about younger men with kids, i guess i just assumed that younger men rarely get to raise their kids after divorce/ seperation.But i have nothing against them per se.

@Mrbrown thanks i guess i can rite. Its just every1 acts like me marrying sum1 with no kids is some kind of jackpot. In my experience with nigerian men it really isnt,i dont want my son to grow up in an environment where he is unwanted.

durobraham: Hi Nl,
This post is about a conversation i had with my friend recently& she couldnt get it so i am hoping i can get honest advice here.
Ok here goes, i am a 26 year old never been married single mom& the only men who hav asked me out in the last two years are the under 35 never been married kind. The problem with this is i want to marry an older man who has kids because i think that will be the best kind of setting to raise my child.
My last relationship ended middle last year mainly cos i realized that my boyfriend treated my child like he was mildly irritating. He actually once said he wishes he met me before i had my child...
Anyway, I have since then i decided not to date anyone who didnt already have children. I know these kinds of relationship come with their own issues but...
so what do u all think should i date any of these young men asking me out? or should i wait for the ready made family i am dreaming about?
pls be kind with your comments. Thanks Y'all.

Finally! A thoughtful woman with sense! Who puts her child first and considers the childs wellbeing and her happiness before jumping into a relationship! O happy days!

Anyway, I agree with you. You should be looking for a man that has kids and know how important they are. A man who will understand that he needs to take your children and love them like his own, and that you will do the same.
Imo it will be unfair for you to date a spinster, it's like offloading heavy baggage on someone who isn't ready to carry the weight. Plus they may not be mature enough to handle someone else's child.
All in all you will most likely enjoy being with someone with similar experiences to your own.

@queensmith, thanks alot for your kind words.
@agiboma, i am based in Nigeria. Lagos&Abuja.

@ OP

I undastnd what u mean bc am in ur same shoes. The truth is life is full of ups & downs. U can get a single guy dat will accept ur son wholehearted. U can also get a man in ur same shoes. It's a two way coin.

Pls don't fix ur mind on, it has to be a man with kids. Nothing is impossible.

durobraham: @tpia, i havent really thought about younger men with kids, i guess i just assumed that younger men rarely get to raise their kids after divorce/ seperation.But i have nothing against them per se.

i was referring to younger men who have never been married and who have kids.

Confilass also has a point. Some women may want to run frombaby daddies due to the belief that they're not marriage material, but there's no guarantee an already made man will necessarily make a better husband than a single father. It depends on the individual.

@confilass&tpia- tanks alot for ur responses.
I understand what u have said about no guarantees but my experience has made me realize that no matter how much a younger man loves me hes not gonna be the step-father my son deserves. Its just the way this things are in Nigeria.
Right now i dont even give young men my number, once any of my young male friends shows any special interest in me i delete them because i dont want their wahala.

@ OP

I can see u're still bearing grudges about ur son's father, pls drop it. Forgive him and move on perfectly in life. It's not bc he treated u dat way, u think it's all the same. Am a living testimony.

I can assure u, u'll still get a younger man who will appreciate u and ur son. We're d product of what we think. If u feel like knowing me beta because I want to see dat u forget the past and move on with future. Let me know, we're in same shoes. God has been faithful and wonderful to me and my lovely son and I don't ve any regrets at all.

Do u know dat God has forgiven u even when u did it outside wedlock, so u ought to forgive.

@Chaircover, thanks alot for ur post&esp for giving that example. I guess its unwise to reject prospective suitors but i am really wary of men my age...i will do as you have advised be cautious yet open. Hopefully... Thanks alot.
@confilass i really dont think i am still angry with my sons father. I have learnt to live a forgiving life because God has helped me to. i would love to talk with u, pls email me ur phone number sophiatolu@gmail.com

durobraham: @confilass&tpia- tanks alot for ur responses.
I understand what u have said about no guarantees but my experience has made me realize that no matter how much a younger man loves me hes not gonna be the step-father my son deserves. Its just the way this things are in Nigeria.
Right now i dont even give young men my number, once any of my young male friends shows any special interest in me i delete them because i dont want their wahala.

bit presumptive, imo. Being younger shouldnt automatically disqualify a man in that manner.

i think you're projecting on these guys. But should you tar all with the same feather? If indeed all the young guys you meet, are bad then it could also be that's the type of guy you find interesting and are attracted to.

just saying.

my experience has made me realize that no matter how much a younger man loves me hes not gonna be the step-father my son deserves.

you're still projecting.


are you nigerian? Then you should know being older is no guarantee a man will be responsible. Maybe you're thinking of oyibo men.



seriously, are you trying to enter a polygamous relationship or something?


i feel you might have been listening to bad advice [probably from friends] and hence your closemindedness in this area. No offence, in case i sound too harsh.

Funny how these Nairalanders just troop in to give advice that isn't practical. How many of the commentators are single mothers in their twenties?
@OP, like CC said, let your decision be flexible, so long as your son's going to be healthy. I'm exactly in your position, save that I'm not exactly looking for a ready-made family. A man that loves you will love your child as his own, whether he has children already or not.

[quote author=tpia@]


bit presumptive, imo. Being younger shouldnt automatically disqualify a man in that manner.

i think you're projecting on these guys. But should you tar all with the same feather? If indeed all the young guys you meet, are bad then it could also be that's the type of guy you find interesting and are attracted to.

just saying.








you're still projecting.


are you nigerian? Then you should know being older is no guarantee a man will be responsible. Maybe you'r

i am definitely not considering a polygamus rlatnship. its unrecognized by christianity... what v been basically saying is if i had to choose btw 2men, the first older,widowed/divorced with kids& a younger man, i would definitely choose the one with kids for d reasons stated above. 'Responsibility' on the part of both men is presumed and is not d issue, d issue is the family arrangement. i hope u understand me better now

@mollytinrox,

"a man that loves you will love your own child whether he has children of his own or not"

I used to think like this too, but i learnt that this really isnt so. I admit that there might be the occassional young man who falls in love with a single mum&loves her kids as his own. However they are THE EXCEPTION to the rule. The rule is that the average Nigerian man is incapable of loving sacrifically like that and it is unfair to demand it of him.
I am a realist dats all