Dear Haters,

I was briefed that you people did not even wait for my plane to land in Brazil before you started calling for my head, if not for God that did not deliver me into your hands, I would have gone Dana and your joy would have known no bound. But my God is ever faithful to His servants; He will not allow Patience to become a widow nor my ‘anointing’ to run dry. I was informed that my. crime this time is that I travelled out of the country to attend a summit while there were riots in Kaduna and Zaria, you people never cease to amaze me, I thought you would have grown up by now and come to terms with the realities of modern day politics as it is being practiced in other parts of the world.

I heard some of you said I am wicked and heartless, that of course is in addition to the clueless tag you. have all given me, an expression which is fast becoming a cliché, albeit an incorrect one considering the number of times I have outwitted you all over the past two years. I pray that you continue to see me as a man lacking in tact and strategy until after 2015 when I shall begin my first term (yes, first term because this one is just a trial, I’m using it to learn the ropes).

So according to your logic because there were riots in Kaduna and Zaria, precipitated by the bombings on Sunday (something you all should be used to by now) I should put myself under house arrest and not travel again? The same lot of you that  condemned my 3 days national mourning declaration for Dana Crash, what is it that you want from me sef? You said mother-hen should lay eggs, it laid eggs, you said it should hatch, it hatched, you said it should brood the chickens, it did, yet mother-hen did not escape your knife to her throat on Christmas day. Listen, I will not be like mother-hen, you people cannot go and come and kill me for my wife, concubines and children, I shall not die but live to enjoy the loots I have so stored up for retirement.

If you people are as intelligent as you have portrayed yourselves to be, then the necessities behind my Brazil trip will not be lost on you. By the way, you didn’t congratulate me on the successful murder and burial of the fuel subsidy scam probe panel report. You see? Na beef una just dey beef me. Just when you thought there was no way out for me, I dribbled you to the left, dribbled you to the right, did a flick even Lionel Messi wouldn’t dare to attempt, and before you knew it GBAM! The ball was at the back of the net. Fuel subsidy probe dead and buried, the only ghost haunting last year’s election done away with, allowing me to focus on 2015 while keeping you busy with more distractions.

How come you didn’t notice we started payment of 2012 subsidy claims this week? Hahahaha, you were too busy mourning Farouk and his dollars. But it’ll be naïve of you to think the man’s political career is over o, infact it has just started. He has now entered his name in the Corruption Hall of Fame, a prerequisite to being a successful PDP politician. We’ll reward him handsomely come 2015. Yes I said reward. Oh! So you still think…………..common, you can’t be so naïve! You people can make somebody laugh sha.

So we are in Brazil to celebrate the death of Farouk’s report, it calls for an elaborate celebration. It is not everyday that a N2 trillion scam go unpunished, and yes that explains why I have 116 delegates with me. We had to leave Sambo behind, but I know he’s not happy; he wants to have fun too. Come to think of it, what is your problem gan? Is the money yours? It is our ‘oyel’ money now and we decided to share it so that a man from the ‘oyel’ region can ascend the throne. It is turn by turn, osondi owendi; let the other regions go and find their own ‘oyel’ or wait till I am done in 2023. That is part one, part two is that I heard Cayman Island is not very far from Brazil, I learnt they have very good banks there so I have come to open the anonymous accounts I will use to save my share of this year’s subsidy loot. I am not getting younger so I have to think ahead, those Nigerian banks cannot be trusted, the Dubai banks will not accept my money and UK is now a no-go-area. From what I have seen of Rio de Janeiro it is not a bad place to come and hide if casala burst anytime, for I know the thoughts that you have towards me, they are of evil and not of good, but I will conquer you all.

I have asked Maku to tell you that I am using e-governance to attend to events at home from here, I will use e-looting to injure your foreign reserve while Boko switches to e-terrorism for proper distraction. More and more people will fall into e-poverty, the rest will run to e-religion, PDP will use e-rigging to win the 2015 e-lections and you my critics will go on e-xile.

I am in such high spirit today (no pun intended) and I would have loved to give you a chop-knuckle, but I won’t, instead I am signing this letter off with the middle finger of my left hand, take it. We are going on a boat cruise right now, haters catch me if you can >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>!

 

From Rio with love,

Bruno Jonatos des Ebelenesia


Ogunyemi Bukola

Follow @zebbook on twitter

#INKTREPIDUS: …..what has ink got to fear?

Now that wasn't me buh I cudnt av put it better. My blog is coming up soon tho. Happy reading and discussion.

Donmeca.... @donmeca on twitter. www.twitter.com/donmeca