But then, this behemoth I call my mind races along and does the unthinkable. It gives me another option. There is always Hell, it says. So it is either Hell or Heaven. A terrible discomfiture settles over me. I roll over and try to yawn. I didn’t succeed. The thought of Hell pushes the sleep to the farthest corner. I curse my mind again.

One thing that all the authorities in this kind of matter agree with, is that Hell is hot. That is where the agreement ends. Every other opinion about Hell is based again on conjectures and suppositions, and “perhapses” and “likelihoods”, which in turn is based on one’s religious complexion. Now my mind further investigates the matter. Where is this Hell, and what unfortunate adventure beguiles a man to its heat? Again my mind couldn’t unearth the factual particulars, so it goes the way of conjectures and tradition. It finds material, thousands of them. So we plod along.

The way to Hell is the way of pleasure. It has many tributaries as there are many kinds of pleasure. In fact everything can take a man to Hell. Hell does not segregate, all and every is welcome. I sigh and beg my mind to give me some moment’s respite; Hell is not a good thought to think at night. It defies me again. One by one my mind examines my pleasures and weighs them.
Conclusion: I am going straight to Hell.

Confound it!

It isn’t like I am one terrible sinner, although you would think it, if you hear my mother pray for me. Hell just loves me. Everything I happen to enjoy happens to be a prerequisite for Hell.

All right, Hell it is, I decide, there is nothing for it. All things being equal it would take a while before I fall in anyway. But I must have my pleasures. A man can only do as his temperament dictates. I had hoped the decision would calm my mind and please it to give me some sleep, but my mind decides to examine the particulars of a sojourn in Hell. What would we do there? My mind strait up brings up a screen and pushes the play button. I see my friends, most of them; I see my mentors and icons, I see the mortals I admire and want to be like. They are all in Hell. It wasn’t clear what they were doing, but my mind could guess. In Hell there would be parties and orgies, and smoke inhalations and alcohol imbibing, all the pleasures of the world. I saw females too. And that decided me. I go where they go. There is nothing else for it. If I perish I perish.

And then a picture of red hot lava and roasting flesh assaults my sleeplessness. Now what?! I almost scream. What will a man do? Heaven disagrees with my constitution and temperament, and Hell is a sea of molten magma.

I am done for!

This would have been a wonderful time to sleep off and let the rest rambling be in dreamland. It would be sure better than either Hell or Heaven. But no, my mind follows me to the bathroom, watches me do my business and escorts me back to my bed.
It is 4. a.m now and I am still awake. My mind isn’t done with me yet. There is still another option, a very well known arena, with nothing but facts. Here I actually got interested. If there is a third option aside from Hell and Heaven, I want to know it. My mind disappoints me.

The third option is Earth.

I would have punched the Grey matter if I could for leading me on. Earth is not an option. Earth is option to nothing. But my mind pushes on.

Earth is where pleasure begins and ends.

I paused. My mind is charting a brilliant course. I haven’t got the hang of it yet, but I just thought of pleasure. And that always gets me interested. I prop up my pillows and check my phone. Some girl is returning my call. Not now. She has lost her opportunity. Now I am busy. I am about to explore the earth.

The first point scored by the earth option was that it was filled with facts and experiences. No conjectures or “perhapses” or suppositions. Earth is here, we don’t need to conjecture or suppose its whereabouts. It is right here. I see it. You see it. We experience it. It is here, now and present.

Here man rules.

God holds sway in Heaven, and Satan bullies in Hell. But here a man is king.

I am liking this trend of thought. I need more particulars. There are many, all in favour of earth. All I can ever think of as the pleasures of life happen in the place called earth. All that a man knows and loves is right here on earth. A body would naturally incline towards its treasures. Riches of life, the beauties of life; life itself is right here. Why hope for another place? A place we only suspect and suppose exists. What is so bad about our world? Earth quakes, tsunamis, avalanches? They are actually beautiful to watch. Man can manage these things if he stops asking for trouble. Man keeps poking nature in the eye. Natural disaster is earths own way of defending itself.

What do I do on earth and how do I do it?

Now, that is simple. I need no scriptures on that one; the pursuit of pleasure ends at happiness. Since I am no longer interested in Heaven, and since I have been fearfully persuaded to avoid the lava in Hell, there is then no need to strive to be in either place. I will concentrate my ventures on earth. One can harness the supposed qualities of Heaven, and bring up too, the vivacity and zest in Hell. Combine the two in a life of pleasure here on earth.

There is a small kink, my mind tells me.

The earth has death. The certainty of death almost pauses my rambling thoughts; almost, but not quite. For my mind brings up another often over looked fact.

All the people in Heaven are dead. All the ones in Hell are dead too.

The only place with life is earth.

I admire my mind for the brilliance of its logic. It is true, any one that had been to Heaven died on the journey. All we suppose are in Hell died first on earth too.

At least, here, we live first before we die; this isn’t the case in the two other realms. Only the dead are there.

This is the conclusion of the logic: I am alive now, will die later. So I will eat drink and be merry, today. Tomorrow I die. All I have is now. To live on earth is to live a life of pleasure. Death will come, but that would be later.

My thoughts are in frenzy, I am almost afraid. Who has these thoughts? I try to wrap things up, but my mind would have none of it. It gallops on.

It picks up a popular orthodox slogan:

What would it profit a man to gain the whole world and loose his soul? Stupid question my mind says. Who knows the answer? What man had gained the whole world and complained? What is this soul thing anyway? Give me the world, to Hell with Heaven. Now, I like that pun. “To Hell with Heaven.” It sounds properly improper. It would make a good story title.

I cannot contain this mind of mine. It is too much for me to handle. If it is true that a man is as he thinks then, my mum better pray harder. She would die if she sniffs these thoughts.

I struggle with my thoughts; perhaps the good in me trying to suppress my earthly thoughts and bring Heaven to fore. But my mind is the most powerful thing I have ever known. Do you know it can UnCloth a woman that is thousands of miles away? It will UnCloth her and have his way with her, while I hold an intelligent conversation with another woman same time, elsewhere? What my mind has done to women is troubling.

To further convince me, my mind brings up scenes of the wonderful earth, it is trying to use my weakness for nostalgia against me. Up come scenes of the wonderful earth. I see nature in its beauty; the trees, the rivers and the waves of the sea, I smell the farm land after rain, I remember the weekend in Obudu Ranch, I recall the Harmattan in the north, andthe hunting adventures in Chanchaga back bushes. I feel the rush of the wind and the roar of the helicopter as we flew over the delta.

I remember the sky diving in Scotland. I see Egypt again, I smell the Nile. I recall the lay-over in Barcelona. I hear the muezzin. I see Abdul.

I remember Wole and Mickey and Eric and Charles and Stephen and the “Rough Coins Family” of secondary school days. I remember El -Amin International. I remember the games we played and the fun we had. I remember University of Benin. The memories are endless, and nostalgia is a pain. Now I plead with my mind to halt. It has made its point.

It is past five in the morning, so says the clock on the wall. I would soon be off to work. Thinking takes time. I haven’t slept now for four days. I feel fine. I look at the clock again, an expensive gift from…. Ahhhh! My mind swirls. I remember the girls, all of them. The bane of the earth, rocks of ages. I would name no feminine names here but I can think them. A man has to be careful. The best moments of my life have been spent with women. The thought of the ladies lead my mind to pleasanter regions. I think of sex, and the ones I enjoyed most. I like these thoughts more and more, and activities begin to shift from my head to a baser part…

I fear I must leave you now, my thoughts are turning inwards and downwards to more pleasurable and private matters…

You will have to excuse me.