It's not easy to be a soldier, you are commanded when to eat, when to sleep, when to wake, when to go visit your family and even when to fire at a menacing deadly enemy that's coming to kill you.

If only hardship and hunger goes on holidays too.

What was he expecting?

My grandfather was married to a very quarrelsome woman and he adviced us NEVER to debate with a woman; because you can never win.

My heart goes out to any man whose wife is kidnapped by Nigerian bandits because it never stays the same.

My friend's wife was released after spending 6days with bandits and their marriage disintegrated almost immediately.

He said upon return, she kept comparing the performance of his preek to that of bandits.

There's a thing line between Stockholm syndrome and outrightly being mean.
How will you compare the stamina of a regular man with that of herdsman who is perpetually high on burantashi and cannabis?

These bandits are really causing havoc to Nigerian families.
Considering how frequent this is now happening, I just hope it is not this women inviting them over to also have a feel of rebel romp.

Because it is bad table manners to talk while eating; my "talking stage" stops once my preek is chopping her kpekus.

Depending on the taste, it stops after too.

I do not know if it is my mental health issue or something else, but sometimes I hallucinate about an ideal Nigeria with Yemi Osinbanjo as President and Peter Obi as his vice.

It was very perfect till I saw Akpi as Senate President then I realized that a functional Nigeria is much more than psychosis induced hallucination, it is a mirage to even the sane.

Because despite the hardship and suffering, in 2027, Nigerians will still vote for Tinubu.

Isn't it an irony that this man has now broken the law while enforcing his right to life, liberty and personal security.

While his lawyer can explain that ejaculation promotes a quality life and everyone is at a freedom to cum, how does he justify doing it on someone's driveway?
Maybe under personal security; that he didn't want to be knocked down by a distracted driver.

He should just plead guilty due to temporary insanity because everyone knows that a build-up of conji can cause chemical imbalance in the brain.

The power of Conji is real, but conji will never tell you to masturbate without common sense.

That's why we must try to masturbate at least thrice daily. Even if you don't get to do it before leaving the house, ensure you do it inside the car or in your office, in your school or church's washroom but never in front of someone's house or you become guilty of the offence of indecent public exposure.

Back in my days, if you had a wallet containing over 15 naira notes regardless of denomination, you were considered a big baller.

Now, even a pauper in Nigeria will need a swollen wallet to buy 3packets of ordinary dotted condoms and one Always sanitary pad.

Someone will soon blame it on the hardship from Tinubu's administration.
Please, not everything is caused by Tinubu.

This is a pure case of hunger-induced hypoglycemia.

It starts with sweating, before dizziness and fatigue sets in, the next thing, your preek shrinks and you start seeing double; then you lose consciousness and fall to the ground due to heavy pulsations.
If you are lucky to quickly get some sugar in, you survive, otherwise your body goes into shock and you die.

It happens to me, but quite the polar opposite.

Ladies complain I am so sweet that I have to constantly regulate my blood sugar through frequent ejaculation.

So if NwaAmaikpe collapses in your neighborhood, don't give me sugar, it will kill me; just get a widow to perform lifesaving blõwjobs.

I've noticed that it is cheaper when they hawk it at night, maybe because most of the petrol has been diluted with urine.

I do not see his offence.
Him who is not guilty should be the first to cast the stone.

Everyone knows that some form of deception is needed to sleep with a lady.
We are all guilty of misleading ladies just because of debbé.

It is not our fault, that's who they are. Women are wired by God to thrive in fantasy, that's why an ugly lady with a face full of tribal marks who knows by herself that she is ugly, will let even a tout shag her as long as he can make her feel pretty.

How many ladies that you've offered a lift ever asked you if the SUV belonged to you before entering the car?
They wouldn't.

Because they don't want anything to ruin the fantasy of an actual SUV owner finding them attractive enough to offer a lift.

The same girl whose chats Afeez stopped replying to after shagging, will still fall for the next man in her DM who calls her "Fine girl", and the cycle on one-shag stands would not end.

And it is derogatory that we call them 'fish brain', any man who calls a woman that is only ignorant because tomfoolery is DNA ingrained.

God forbid that I bathe every day, let alone every night. I do not mind losing everything in the world but not my body odor.

Just like male goats, God created men to have an odour. It is unique to each man, some smell like carbide and some like garlic. Why do I need a Cerruti aftershave when mine is somewhat like fermented citrus.

Most ladies get aroused just by offensive smell, that's why smokers and alcohol drinkers have more female sex partners.
A handsome man may not be noticed, but a man who smells is the object of women's attention.

How can you call yourself a dimkpa if you do not smell like one.

Asides that, research has proven that too much of bathing is unhealthy; asides depleting the top skin, it increases aerosol transmission of bacteria and there could be interference of the chemicals in the soap with the Vitamin D reserves in the adipose layer.

Be ye not deceived.
The mistake most men make is buying into these women's tricks.

How and where in the world does reserving one's ejaculation till marriage serve as a proof of love? Turn the table around; the last will not be heard of it if you ask a lady whom you want to marry to reserve all her financial burdens till marriage as a proof of her love.

Your own family will warn you that you are pushing her out to other men.
Why the double standards?

Why make it look like only the man benefits from sex, when women are the ones who are sexually insatiable.

Your life together does not begin when you get married. It begins when you meet each other. So, except you can prevent having an erection till the night of marriage, only a fool will save sex till the night of marriage.

The only reason most women defer sex till after marriage is because it is their only bargaining chip; they'd only allow you eat the burnt cookie when they know you're too tied down to spit it out and run away; but they give it out for free to anyone whom they've got nothing at stake with.

Chastity and faithfulness are overrated and grossly misunderstood by men; hence, they are women's greatest assets for MANipulation.

You have no reason not to have sex with a lady you're in a relationship with. Well, except she's a virgin; and you do not want to mess up your bedspread yet.

Next time she claims she is a Virgin, ensure to find out what type; vaginal, anal or oral Virgin. Because I can tell you for a fact that only about 2.3% of all adult women who claim to be virgins are all-round virgins.

A girl says she is a virgin, yet she masturbates every night with a diIdo fatter than Yokozuna's preek and has been smooched by every guy who asked for her phone number,
but doesn't want you to insert your Ikenga till the wedding night.

The best head I ever received was from a Virgin engaged to be married in a week's time. Upon getting married, she's shagged every other Tom, Dick and Gbola who's had a sperm to spare.

So for those of you who think marrying a Virgin is a feat, use your head.

Yesterday, I spent three hours after my midnight prayers viewing live feeds from the Nigerian region on the streaming apps Buzzcat and Bigo.
I felt sorry for every man in Nigeria with a wife or girlfriend.

I don't know about you, but if those gorillas were my younger sisters, I'd pick offence that they are named after Nigerian girls.

We must learn to give the police credit for being able to intercept crypto wallets, apprehend protesters and harrass government critiques and also understand why it is not easy to catch these bandits who display on Tiktok.

Most of these bandits studied Internet Security at Massachusetts Institute of Technology and have interned in global IT firms like Microsoft and Kapersky.
They have mastered how to encrypt their data, mask Internet Protocol and redirect geolocations that not even Putin's Kremlin can break into.

You people just sit behind your cracked-screen 2G Tecno Pop phones and think EFCC apprehending Yahaya Bello requires the same tact and coordination as catching 45 yahoo boys.

You also don't understand that it is a far harder process with excessive bureaucratic caseworking to extradite Abba Kyari to the US than it is for teenagers guilty of sextortion.

Insecurity has drastically reduced nationwide after our security forces arrested those #EndBadGovernance protesters, but no one has shown a single appreciation to them.

But we are quick to throw tantrums because Joe Ajaero was arrested.
It is very obvious that we do not love our country.

How did this man conceive two children in this type of house bikonu?

Really uwa e zu oke.

Some very wealthy men are struggling to find true love yet a cripple could convince a woman not just to marry him but also, to live with him in a shanty.

And tomorrow someone will tell me that women have taste.

Vanity upon vanity.
If only people will realize that everything in life is vanity. All that beauty is now in vain; all the blowjôbs she's given him in the past could not make him reconsider.

Just imagine how someone made a beauty shake out of a beauty queen.
I do not believe this was what T-Pain and Ludacris had in mind when they sang "Chopped and Screwed".

Even though he saved her family members the cost of a coffin in this Tinubu's hard administration, this is a slightly wicked thing to do.

Village people were probably upset with their house warming so they sent thunder.
But since I was born, till now I have gotten young, I have never heard that thunder kills. Well, lightning does.

And I only know of two instances where people got struck by it.

The first was a couple who were electrocuted to death by lightning while making love on a metal bed in a house with faulty earth insulations.

The second instance was a lady who was struck by lightning while making up by the window during a rainstorm. The cadmium and lead in her brown powder conducted electricity from the lightning and left her with third degree burns.

She was lucky to survive, but suffers from Alopecia and can not grow any hair in her armpits or pubic region till this day because of it.

We must learn to take care of our lives and not take lots of things for granted so we don't end up blaming village people for everything.

Use qualified professionals when building your house.

It is penny-wise, pound-foolish to use Kazeem the auto electrician to wire your house because his price is cheaper.
Because Kazeem the auto electrician will still fight for extra plates of food during the funeral that his quack wiring caused.

Supporting an administration and then trying to kill yourself due to hardship from the administration can be considered as betrayal of trust.

Some people don't take such betrayal lightly; while it is an offence, I don't know if it merits being beaten up like this for.

Supporting an administration and then trying to kill yourself due to hardship from the administration can be considered as betrayal of trust.

Some people don't take such betrayal lightly; while it is an offence, I don't know if it merits being beaten up like this for.

This is not fair.
But I do not pity him, I pity my Oba.

If all these people keep jumping into the river, who will now help him throw us into the ocean for not voting the ones making them jump.

Motivational speakers have pushed so many people to their early deaths.
What they do is very easy; they first overbloat our capabilities and then remap our sense of worth.
And they come in many forms; as peers, movies or even folklore.

A man who knows nothing about Forex is made to believe that if he stays awake through the night looking at a screen showing position indices that he will never understand in a billion years, that he can make Elon Musk become his servant in four months.

A man who knows it takes him three minutes to catch his breath after climbing a flight of stairs, will watch a porn where KrissyJoe shags Ladygold for over 30minutes and want to do the same.

I am grateful to God that all the preachings in the world never moves NwaAmaikpe; I am comfortable at my pace and will never wish to outdo myself even for myself, let alone for anyone else.

Why will anyone let themselves be pushed to assume a capability they don't have.
Why will anyone only aim to please others?

The other day, someone complained about being a one-minute man and I couldn't have been more gobsmacked.

Only a masochist will wish to last for 15minutes during sex when it takes him only 52-seconds to enjoy the pure bliss of cum; then still feel guilty because a lady refused to cum when he was cumin.

That's taking blame for someone else's wickedness and this is why more men are dying nowadays during sex; because they want to impress.

If only they know that that motivational speaker is yet to meet his own needs; if only they know that most porn actors can not even sustain an erection without drugs;
If only they know that after the stomach which only gets pleased momentarily, the kpekus is the most ungrateful part of the human body.

If only they know that this life is a personal race, they will understand the peace in contentment.

If you've ever been in this man's shoes, you'd understand how suicide suddenly becomes an attractive option.

The truth be told; suicide is amongst the first things that comes to the mind of any responsible man with a sense of self-worth after finding out his woman has been cheating.

I know this because it has happened to me,

I opened the door to the sight of my woman's legs very wide apart; in between them was a strange young man toiling and ramming harder than Samuel Darcy did in Oloibiri on that fateful Sunday morning of 15th January 1956 when he discovered Crude Oil.

I quickly took pictures of them with my camera as evidence.

What pained me the most was not the way she used her bow-legs to trap him down for his preek to rub the crest of her womanly crevice, but the harmonious alternation from soprano to contralto in her moans; this was the same woman who could not maintain a pitch whenever she sang a gospel song in church.

Then I walked away and decided I was going to end my life.

But I didn't.

Not because I did not have any sense of self-worth, but because just the thought of another man making her moan in pleasure while I languished in hell prevented me from dying.

I simply went back home, invited my best friend over for a drink and while on the third bottle, I did what any true friend will do.
I showed him the photographs and told him I caught his wife cheating on him.

The poor man did exactly what this mumu Nasarawa man did, only that he also took out my new competitor.

The only one who loses is the one who loses his life for a cheating partner because she will ensure your death was not in vain by cheating till infinity.

I can only wish him well.
Except a man is lucky to have genital warts or skin lesions round his preek to help optimal vaginal stimulation, I will not advice someone this old to venture into a relationship with someone this young; because,
She will cheat on him, it is not her fault.
He will not satisfy her, it is not his fault either.

Anyone who has been unfortunately lucky to have shagged a lady not older than 62, older than 35 but not younger than 19 will have noticed a fundamental flaw; that it is almost impossible for them to achieve orgasm from the thrusting of a preek due to the use and abuse of sex toýs and female masturbation in recent years.

While a preek in action can only produce linear motion, the linear, oscillatory, circular and accelerated motion that can only be achieved from sex toyś, proximal digits and oraI sex has rewired and irredeemably altered the presypnaptic terminals inside women's kpekus due to an overload of impulse and the female brain was not originally designed to withstand such arousal overload.

Now, just thrusting a preek in and out of them is totally inadequate to trigger kpekus axons to relay any neurotransmitters to the brain, therefore the brain gets no message to release the hormone dopamine responsible for orgasms.

This is the reason why 74% of all sexually active women between 58 and 18years have not attained orgasm more than thrice in five years from only penetrative sex.
Same reason why 39.76% of Nigerian women are bisexual.

It is also why it seems women lose interest in sex after marriage and childbirth; simply because, there is nothing for them in it again!
If only men knew what's on women's mind as we hump them, we wouldn't even bother.

This sad discovery made scientists around the world brainstorm for exactly 8years, 6months, 23days and 9hours on how to assist men in bringing pleasure to women during sex. This birthed dotted and ribbed condoms.

Ever asked yourself why most ladies hate condoms yet all ladies love dotted and ribbed ones?

Because, while the man does his routine back-and-forth, in-and-out, the ribs and dots on the condom helps with a 360° stimulation of the kpekus; sadly this additional stimulation will not still bring about orgasm in many due to extreme impairment of vaginal axons and sensory nerve fibers but may only increase arousal due to production of acetylcholine.

Women now crave more for external attention, and their propensity for cheating is higher; because that thrill from a novel attention also releases acetylcholone and dopamine.

Reason why, even though she knows it may not be, women will always think the sex is better almost every time she cheats on her husband; because technically, a woman can "climax" just from receiving constant compliments from a new man.

The moral of this warped write-up is that,
cheating will never stop.
He may have to mess up his bedspread with KY jelly, but a text from a new admirer she fancies will get her wet.

If you doubt me; ask your woman.

All of Edo State has been ravaged by insecurity, from Okada to Ososo, Igbanke to Okpekpe, Ubiaja to Ugbiyoko, Iruekpen to Ibie, even Isiohor down to Ewu; we have seen shege in the hands of Fulani herdsmen, cultists, one-chance taxi drivers, revenue collectors, 'Edo Airline pilots' and yahoo-plus hooligans.

So if Baba is promising to bring more insecurity to a state that has had an overfill of insecurity then maybe we should vote him.

Past experience has shown us that when APC promises one thing, the forces work against them to give us the exact opposite.

One promised change and our destiny changed for worse, another promised renewed hope, and our future became hopeless.

So it is neither a slip of tongue nor a Freudian slip, but a sign that Edo State will attain something it has never had since it's creation; security.

And if there's anything that should make Okpebholo win this election, this should be it.

Sit down and ask yourself why Nigeria only excels in Paralympics and not in regular competitions.

In the former, competitors are shortlisted solely on merit, but in the later, padi-padi is the case.
One oga will remember his stubborn nephew who rides keke in the village and ask that they draft him into the National team to play Taekwando.

After all, if he can fight for motor park tickets he should be able to fight for medals.

Coach Courtuma will now strike out the name of a 'qualified' and replace it with the name of an 'instructed' who will then go and bring disgrace to Nigeria while competing with opponents from other nations.

Now the problem is, most ogas don't have kit or kin who are disabled, so the best of the best get to represent Nigeria and that's why Nigeria excels.

Insecurity, poverty, and hunger isn't what's pulling Nigeria down; nepotism and padi-padi is.

Every administration in Delta with its' own shenanigan.
That's how Ada Anioma bullied business owners to use aluminium cladding on their premises, now Emu wants CCTVs in churches.

God knows that if all churches in Nigeria install CCTVs, the number of people who go for choir practice, counselling, early morning Sanctuary cleaning and night vigils will reduce by almost 35.63%.

They will rather attend virtually and while they may blame this on the exorbitant cost of transportation or the incessant rate of insecurity, the CCTV is the actual cause.

Anyone like myself who has been privileged to have had sex inside a church will testify that it must have occurred in the course of one of the aforementioned and no one wants their sextape recorded or streamed via CCTV.

That's why I pity anyone whose partner is a frequent church-goer; because experience and research has shown that, asides a brothel, the church is the second best place to get a willing, sex-ready partner.

What can we do to please Nigerians?

We did not have a functional refinery in the country and Petrol was imported by NNPC and sold for 141NGN under PDP's ineffective government, but a visionary democrat has not only privatised NNPC but also brought about a functional refinery yet we think he does not merit being Petroleum Minister as well as President?

I know haters will soon ask why petrol is selling at almost 1000NGN despite being produced and refined in Nigeria, they will even make their hatred more obvious by saying that Peter Obi would have done better; but what they don't know is that, it is not Statistics that Nigerians want to chop.

Baba Emilokan on your mandate we stand till 2031.

This is pure leadership and true empathy.
The Federal Government should emulate Edo State Government and do the same.

We don't have any problem with you increasing pump prices.

We understand it is not your fault that crude oil that is produced and refined in Nigeria sells higher than it did when it was imported, but at least, have the empathy to close all schools and hospitals till further notice considering that most people will not be able to afford the high cost of transportation.

We must be grateful to administrations that help us understand our priorities.

They've told us that we should not leave our fridges on if we can not pay high electricity bills and now they've made us realize that school can wait and education is not a priority.

But, please before you wailers go about telling me that Peter Obi would have performed better, remember that it is not statistics that Nigerians will chop.

The dumbest thing a man can do out of scorn is to post his lady's nuudes just because she cheated on him.

If she cheated on you with one man, that leak alone will bring her 820 new friend requests and link her up with a minimum of 300 men actively reaching out.

At least 224 of them will act as empathizers, demonize you, and offer unsolicited pro bono counsel, 37 of them will give up interest when they look at the nuudes one more time and realize her body isn't all that, 21 will side you and body shame her because she isn't responding to their advances, while 18 of them will persevere and eventually get to shag her.

But that's not the painful part.

Depending on how viral the leak is, the painful part is the over 3,043 men who wouldn't even reach out to her but will masturbate to her leaks.

I don't know about you, but I will; as long as the clip is somewhat longer than Tiwa's and more interesting than that of Moyo, I will beat my ram meat to it.

And the irony is,
Leak groups on Telegram have the highest subscribers. We will all demonize the leaker, but consume the leak.

That is why it is a very dumb thing to leak anyone's nuudes, because you may go to jail for free and no one will ever tell you 'thank you for giving me something to orgasm with'.

Such martyrdom is plain stupidity, but someone has to do it for us, and that's why stupidity exists.

Please what is delaying baba from calling out Conte on Instagram Live?
Glo, MTN and Airtel; you guys really need to fix your networks.

It is not fair that the network was good enough to use and call out Finidi George, and still not working for Antonio Conte.

Finidi was blasted to smithereens for a hearsay that was confirmed as untrue but nothing for Conte who has admitted worse on TV.

What is good for the Goose is still good for the Vulture but it is only typical for Nigerian 'stars';
Arrogant XL bully with Nigerians but puppy ekuke when in the midst of oyibos.

Just like that one who claims he is the reason anyone in the globe knows about Nigeria or her music.

The minister of Education needs to do something about our education sector.

It's not fair that studying for a Masters degree overseas will trigger brain complications for students.

How do you explain it that a person graduates with a 1st class or 2.1 in Nigeria, gets admitted for a Master's degree overseas, then slumps and dies either while still studying or shortly after studying.

This brings me back to the words of Aunty Rapuokwu, my CRK teacher, after catching me armed with almost half of the new testament hidden in between my armpit for use as "expo" during one of her exams.

She simply said, "you are only weakening your brain energy by cheating".

And she wasn't wrong; my first visit to the psychiatric hospital as a patient was from a supposed 'brain fäg' because I blanked out after being handed my Further Maths question paper and seeing Quadratic equations that looked like Hieroglyphics.

With that said, I hope village people are finally happy...because how do you rationalize someone not dying from the stress, heartache, poverty and hardship in Nigeria but then dying from a mere headache after succesfully integrating in a country of limitless potentials?

However, it is not right for a religious person like myself to sound so superstitious.

What if it is not underused brain energy or village people that are responsible for all these 'slump-and-die' deaths, but prayerful sidekicks wishing to replace them?

Mama Ramota still says that's the only reason she was scared when she found out I was cheating on her with a born-again Christian.