Right now I don't even know what's going on anymore, everyday seems to hold a different bitter pill that I have no choice but to force down my throat.

It's not like this is the first time I'd have my days laced with worries and downturns, but this phase I'm in right now looks almost exactly like the one that will finally break me. I have been subjected to a life of sadness and failures since my first year in school; my cgpa dropped drastically in the second semester of my 100Level and I never recovered from it till I graduated, so I practically worried my way through school. My fears peaked every time exams drew near and my depression progressed geometrically with every released result.

As if things weren't gruesome enough, I failed a course in my final year, and what that meant was an automatic extra year. Now it was bad enough that I was going to finish with a poor grade, adding an extra year to it was just unthinkable. My depression skyrocketed. To make matters worse I had no one to talk to, so I just wallowed in my pains and lived sadly ever after. Well the course I failed got reversed eventually, I escaped the extra year, embraced my poor grade with gratitude and thanked God my days of depression were finally over. But no.

Fast forward a couple of months and I'm back neck-deep in my depression. The cause this time isn't too far-fetched; unemployment. I've been at home for about 4 months now after NYSC and life for me has been a bed of nails, thorns and broken bottles. I know what you're thinking, just 4 months? Well, the people around me are just awesome at making life miserable. Today, my brother told me in clear terms, without mincing words, that I am valueless. He was kind enough to add "for now" though.

I stay with him and his family and he's been taunting me for days, he'd say things like I don't plan to be successful and I'm absolutely clueless about my life. I'm beginning to believe him. I reminded him that I've attended five different interviews since I came to his place in January hoping that would make him see that I'm not completely lazy and I'm making efforts myself even if I'm seeing no results yet, but my darling brother shoved it aside with the tip of his index finger. To him it was as heavy as a pinch of salt. You know what, maybe I'm actually a failure. Maybe I'm a dumbass that can't take charge of his own life.

I'll stop here for now, I need enough time to swim in my gigantic pool of self-pity and lounge in my Castle of depression.

Eyah! Sorry OP.

You are not dumb and you are not valueless. You write beautifully and that in itself says a lot about you. Stop beating up on yourself. Feeling bad won't help you. You should actually feel angry now because what your brother says is not true and it says more about him than about you. Anger is not the best you can feel but it feels better than depression so allow yourself some anger first.

Stop putting yourself down! Who taught you to treat yourself like this? I can't believe humans can be so harsh and tough on themselves. You don't deserve it. NOBODY DOES.

Big deal, so what 4 months, you're not the only person went through that phase and I will tell you what my mom and others told me, you can either wallow in depression or go out and do something even if it doesn't pay well. The first step to getting opportunities is to stop staying indoors and meeting people. Whether you are a failure or not that's up to you to decide. Pity party helps no one and didn't solve anything for me when I kept putting myself down what solved my problem was confiding in people. So the onus is upon you.

pcguru1:
Big deal, so what 4 months, you're not the only person went through that phase and I will tell you what my mom and others told me, you can either wallow in depression or go out and do something even if it doesn't pay well. The first step to getting opportunities is to stop staying indoors and meeting people. Whether you are a failure or not that's up to you to decide. Pity party helps no one and didn't solve anything for me when I kept putting myself down what solved my problem was confiding in people. So the onus is upon you.

@bold

Words of Wisdom!

Beautiful.

Mindfulness:
You are not dumb and you are not valueless. You write beautifully and that in itself says a lot about you. Stop beating up on yourself. Feeling bad won't help you. You should actually feel angry now because what your brother says is not true and it says more about him than about you. Anger is not the best you can feel but it feels better than depression so allow yourself some anger first.

Stop putting yourself down! Who taught you to treat yourself like this? I can't believe humans can be so harsh and tough on themselves. You don't deserve it. NOBODY DOES.

Life taught me, and I had a very long time to learn. I don't deserve it? Don't be too sure pal. Thanks so much for your comment, I feel a lot better reading it.

pcguru1:
Big deal, so what 4 months, you're not the only person went through that phase and I will tell you what my mom and others told me, you can either wallow in depression or go out and do something even if it doesn't pay well. The first step to getting opportunities is to stop staying indoors and meeting people. Whether you are a failure or not that's up to you to decide. Pity party helps no one and didn't solve anything for me when I kept putting myself down what solved my problem was confiding in people. So the onus is upon you.

Tough wise words. I'll spend the rest of the night pondering on this. Thanks pal

You write beautifully. You can't afford to lose your mind. Have patience and dedication.

greysmith:


Tough wise words. I'll spend the rest of the night pondering on this. Thanks pal

No p, let me share something with you, during my SS1 period my family had a meeting over me because they weren't sure I was smart enough to pass the upcoming wassce in SS3 , even failed jamb alot of time , graduated with a 2.2 in school and practically failed almost all interviews from GTBank,firstbank you name it, not that am not smart anything not computer never interested me because I was so fascinated with Programming and computer architecture I never paid attention to studies I spent all time time reading computer books even till now sef. I followed a career for software development and since after school been jumping from jobs to jobs. School and life are two separate things , being smart in the class doesn't guarantee success in life, even till now I practically read computer books almost everyday and teach myself stuff if you gave me a GTBank exam to take right now I would still fail it, but if you gave me a task to write that software CBT that GTBank uses for exams I would be able to do that, its all about strengths and weaknesses and passion.


Guy what you need is some alcohol and good music and relax, you are still young, enjoy the hustling moment, nothing sweeter than proving some people wrong. God knows how I felt when things changed and validation came from the same people who thought I wouldn't go far.

OP the diary section is always a lovely option. You write well but it doesnt seem you have a question or an issue in particular for us, the ever helpful commenters, to address.

Sorry about all your problems sha.

pcguru1:


No p, let me share something with you, during my SS1 period my family had a meeting over me because they weren't sure I was smart enough to pass the upcoming wassce in SS3 , even failed jamb alot of time , graduated with a 2.2 in school and practically failed almost all interviews from GTBank,firstbank you name it, not that am not smart anything not computer never interested me because I was so fascinated with Programming and computer architecture I never paid attention to studies I spent all time time reading computer books even till now sef. I followed a career for software development and since after school been jumping from jobs to jobs. School and life are two separate things , being smart in the class doesn't guarantee success in life, even till now I practically read computer books almost everyday and teach myself stuff if you gave me a GTBank exam to take right now I would still fail it, but if you gave me a task to write that software CBT that GTBank uses for exams I would be able to do that, its all about strengths and weaknesses and passion.


Guy what you need is some alcohol and good music and relax, you are still young, enjoy the hustling moment, nothing sweeter than proving some people wrong. God knows how I felt when things changed and validation came from the same people who thought I wouldn't go far.

Thanks for sharing your story, I hope I'll be able to share a sweeter version of mine one day but for now I'll share it the way it is.

You see, we come from opposite spectrums, I've always had it easy. All through primary, junior and senior secondary school I was a high flier. I had 7 distinctions in WAEC, scored 273 in Jamb and easily cruised to study Electronic and Electrical Engineering in Obafemi Awolowo University. In fact in my first semester 100Level I had a gp of 3.94. Everything started in second semester when my cgpa just interestingly dropped to 3.32 and it was a free fall from then, eventually graduated with a 3.20. I thought I could turn things around on my own so I kept it to myself, kept lying to everyone at home that I was still on a 2-1 and since I was on 3 different scholarships my story was easy to believe.

I guess my problem was that I'd never really been braced to handle failure and when it hit me once, it led to a chain reaction coz i didn't properly deal with the first one and everything quickly spiraled out of control, and here I am still flogging myself for it.




You came tough on me the first time and now you're recommending alcohol...lol. I don't think I'd want to tread that path, I'll only just ruin everything completely with it.

Thanks bro, you're a gem

prof800:
You write beautifully. You can't afford to lose your mind. Have patience and dedication.

Oh thanks a bunch

MrsPhyno:
OP the diary section is always a lovely option. You write well but it doesnt seem you have a question or an issue in particular for us, the ever helpful commenters, to address.

Sorry about all your problems sha.

Thank you very much ma'am. The people that have been commenting have actually been of great help and I really do feel a lot better now. Thanks again

That is life. Only very few go through life without struggle. Some struggle in their young age and learn from it, others experience failure and their old age and most never recover. As someone who has been humbled by failure, I am grateful when I failed, it was when I was young.
Now I see failure as an opportunity to redo what I failed at. I go back to the drawing board and restrategize. Look at this life as a journey, filled with twists and turns. At the end of the day we will all turn to dust. So why not exploit the challenges and roll with the tide your effort brings. If you see life this way, you will laugh at yourself when you fail. You will see failure as a possible solution to a problem or an opportunity to create a solution to a problem, that will result in your breakthrough.
In this life you must never rest on your oars if you want to be successful. It is a constant struggle and you can not give up. So dust yourself up and stop pitying yourself. There is no place in the world for a lazy man, or someone who thinks the world must work in his favour.
Everyone else is busy struggling to make their dreams a reality. You might have been a star at a very young age, but those average students who probably did better than you are used to working very hard and not just relying on intelligence.
You have gotten to the part of life where you learn that intelligence is not enough. You must also work hard to get what you want. Manna will never just fall down from heaven for you.

Make sure you block your mind from negative people and leave negative environments. Go out and do jobs below you. Gather money and rent a room or share a flat with your friend. Being independent is the fastest way to success because you know you cannot afford to fail.

greysmith:


Thank you very much ma'am. The people that have been commenting have actually been of great help and I really do feel a lot better now. Thanks again

Eeyah. I'm sorry I don't have anything better to say, advice-wise. You're smart anyways so you don't need it, I trust you will figure it out. Anyways my philosophy is to be a realistic optimist. As far as you're doing the right thing for now, things will not only get better, they will be the way they were always meant to be and you will be happy. Take care of yourself.

greysmith:


Life taught me, and I had a very long time to learn. I don't deserve it? Don't be too sure pal. Thanks so much for your comment, I feel a lot better reading it.

Life is the best teacher and teaches all of us. It must be.
No, you don't deserve it and I am sure and will be sure.

I am happy you feel better. It is possible to feel much better though. You can get there step by step. I am speaking from experience.

OP, if you are really serious about getting up from where you are, PM me.

Mind you, I gat no job or money to offer you but I will teach you something that will make your brother look up to you for assistance. Thank you

You are not valueless...You are created in God light and image.

It's just for the main time.

it's will surely end in praise.

I can say a thing about your situation sha.....

Damn you are a good writer, if I could write half as good as you I would have flooded nairaland with all my thoughts and had busy days reading and replying to comments

Yinkahlite:
OP, if you are really serious about getting up from where you are, PM me.

Mind you, I gat no job or money to offer you but I will teach you something that will make your brother look up to you for assistance. Thank you

I don't need your job or money offer but I want to know that thing can I send a PM too

Chaii, bro if failure writes like you do then failure has a good thing going for him. Wth, I cannot even construct a 1/3 of this mindboggling piece and I ain't battling failure and depression.
Same thing they are telling you is what I am being told since January. Yesterday, I cleaned up, armed with my CV I march on submitting till the copies I have with me were exhausted. Was lucky to have someone interview me on the spot to start as soon as possible. I was taken unawares, I was like, " so all this while I have my arse at home some people are waiting to utilise my services".
Get out there bro and keep on searching, let your brothers taunt be a source of motivation for you. Depression kills and I do not want you dead.

U are consumed by self love. It's d same self love that drive people into committing suicide.u love ur self too much to suffer. Think of how u can be a help to humanity for a change. Look for a school u can offer free services to. Do ssomething for kids. Stop wallowing in self pity.

Look for rhapsody of realities daily devotional.read it everyday.

Stop d self pity.

This is the best "I'm losing my mind" post I've read on Nairaland.
OP take it from me, you are smart. You just need to get your groove back.

@op please teach me how to construct and mix match words like you do.

The best advise for you is to move from your brothers house to a new environment.
Also stop lying to yourself and to your family.
Goodluck.

greysmith:


Thanks for sharing your story, I hope I'll be able to share a sweeter version of mine one day but for now I'll share it the way it is.

You see, we come from opposite spectrums, I've always had it easy. All through primary, junior and senior secondary school I was a high flier. I had 7 distinctions in WAEC, scored 273 in Jamb and easily cruised to study Electronic and Electrical Engineering in Obafemi Awolowo University. In fact in my first semester 100Level I had a gp of 3.94. Everything started in second semester when my cgpa just interestingly dropped to 3.32 and it was a free fall from then, eventually graduated with a 3.20. I thought I could turn things around on my own so I kept it to myself, kept lying to everyone at home that I was still on a 2-1 and since I was on 3 different scholarships my story was easy to believe.

I guess my problem was that I'd never really been braced to handle failure and when it hit me once, it led to a chain reaction coz i didn't properly deal with the first one and everything quickly spiraled out of control, and here I am still flogging myself for it.




You came tough on me the first time and now you're recommending alcohol...lol. I don't think I'd want to tread that path, I'll only just ruin everything completely with it.

Thanks bro, you're a gem

Ohhhhhh i now understand your problem, you are not a failure you've never handled failure before that's why, Guy you no get wahala be that, in Programming getting used to things not working is actually a blessing because it lets you know how not to do things, failure comes with the package of success, not saying you will fail more but however you will experience it more but see it as something to learn from.

Don't disturb yourself you are a smart person i can tell already, sorry about the alcohol that's how i cope.

You will do well

I think it's better you failed when you did. I also think it's good you are learning about depression now, and will soon find ways to overcome it. Imagine, if you sailed through life smoothly and then had a bump, when you had dependents (wife and children), it'd sure be harder. So, count your blessings.

Secondly, your brother isn't telling you what you aren't already telling yourself. When your GPA dropped, you subconsciously felt you weren't 'good' and it projected and clung to you like a cloak.

There are always going to be curves thrown at you by life, will you get depressed everytime? When you wake everyday, what are your thoughts? Are there other siblings you would rather stay with? What conscious efforts are you making at moving from where you are now? When you come online, do you scour job sites or even the NL job section?

Your temporary lack of a job is nothing. The scalding words from your brother and others are nothing, but you, you are everything. So, what will you do about you?

Hmmmmm

Seriously, You want to loose just because of that?? I laugh...

You have no idea what other people have been going through even some here on NL??
If you're loosing your mind because of this kolobo challenge, I pirry you?

greysmith:
Thanks for sharing your story, I hope I'll be able to share a sweeter version of mine one day but for now I'll share it the way it is.

You see, we come from opposite spectrums, I've always had it easy. All through primary, junior and senior secondary school I was a high flier. I had 7 distinctions in WAEC, scored 273 in Jamb and easily cruised to study Electronic and Electrical Engineering in Obafemi Awolowo University. In fact in my first semester 100Level I had a gp of 3.94. Everything started in second semester when my cgpa just interestingly dropped to 3.32 and it was a free fall from then, eventually graduated with a 3.20. I thought I could turn things around on my own so I kept it to myself, kept lying to everyone at home that I was still on a 2-1 and since I was on 3 different scholarships my story was easy to believe.

I guess my problem was that I'd never really been braced to handle failure and when it hit me once, it led to a chain reaction coz i didn't properly deal with the first one and everything quickly spiraled out of control, and here I am still flogging myself for it.

You came tough on me the first time and now you're recommending alcohol...lol. I don't think I'd want to tread that path, I'll only just ruin everything completely with it.

Thanks bro, you're a gem

Guy relax. Nothing do you. I understand perfectly what you are saying because I also went to Ife, was in the same Faculty as you and I saw a lot of stories similar to yours. In my set there were several students who were geniuses in their secondary school up till Ife. Some from Federal govt colleges some from Suleja academy all very brilliant people who experienced failure for the first time in their life in OAU.

The good news is that I sense you are a smart guy and would eventually succeed. I know ppl even colleagues who had first class but encountered their own challenge in getting a job. You had a 3.2 CGPA after facing Prof Adegboyega, Dr Osas , Prof Kuku, Prof Adeniran etc then you don try

So get up from the self pity, Pick yourself up. Get something doing. Go to all UME centers around you and offer to teach. Start teaching

That was what I did immediately after NYSC until I got a job. Also dont get depressed. drink a little alcohol to make yourself happy, go watch ball, hang out with friends, go find babe to nackk, Go gist and argue with friends just live life normally

As you do all these something would definitely show


Even all your colleagues who had 2-1 how many don get jobs now?

raumdeuter:


Guy relax. Nothing do you. I understand perfectly what you are saying because I also went to Ife, was in the same Faculty as you and I saw a lot of stories similar to yours. In my set there were several students who were geniuses in their secondary school up till Ife. Some from Federal govt colleges some from Suleja academy all very brilliant people who experienced failure for the first time in their life in OAU.

The good news is that I sense you are a smart guy and would eventually succeed. I know ppl even colleagues who had first class but encountered their own challenge in getting a job. You had a 3.2 CGPA after facing Prof Adegboyega, Dr Osas , Prof Kuku, Prof Adeniran etc then you don try

So get up from the self pity, Pick yourself up. Get something doing. Go to all UME centers around you and offer to teach. Start teaching

That was what I did immediately after NYSC until I got a job. Also dont get depressed. drink a little alcohol to make yourself happy, go watch ball, hang out with friends, go find babe to nackk, Go gist and argue with friends just live life normally

As you do all these something would definitely show


Even all your colleagues who had 2-1 how many don get jobs now?

Confirm you sabi live life.

prof800:
You write beautifully. You can't afford to lose your mind. Have patience and dedication.

You are unbelievable