Prognosis: 6 years marriage
Bored male,possible financialproblems
Facebook Addict
Emotional cheating
Possibly mid life crisis

Diagnosis: Chronic marital Boredom

Treatment: Ripple Effect from an aware adult:
Call him up, talk to him, Spice it up.
GET A JOB!


My 5kobo

@Op; sorry about your predicament. But it's a bit too late now to be crying over spilled milk and wondering what kind of man you married as there must have been some tiny signs during your courtship but you probably ignored them thinking he will change or better still you will change him. A cheat changes by themselves and not because someone else is forcing them to change.

To state clearly, what your husband is doing is disgusting to say the least especially since you've been married for a few years with a kid. The question is what again does your husband want? Is he bored/tired of you? Does he now resent you this much? You need to find out the answers to these questions. On the other hand, if he's tired of the marriage, he might as well let you know; at least then you know where you stand; rather than him mis-behaving this way.

One thing to note here is that a man/woman cheats only because they want to and not because they have to. There is something called SELF-CONTROL AND RESPECT FOR ONES SPOUSE; and if you resolve in your heart that you would not cheat on your spouse no matter what; then you certainly would not and this analogy applies to both men and women.

What I do find odd though is you begging your husband to sleep with you and he’s refusing but instead he is begging other women to sleep with them outside. It just doesn’t add up. Unless there is something else you are not saying. As sometimes we paint the other person the monster and paint ourselves as the good one when narrating a scenario that has occurred or is currently happening.

Now listen up gurl; if you kill yourself because of a philandering husband; I pity you; as I will only give your husband 3 months max; and there would be another Mrs somebody by his side. And if I may ask you this question, what makes you think that the new wife would look after your kid the way you look after your child currently if you allow his philandering ways to kill you? If you have parents/siblings, then think about them as well and how it would hurt them terrible if you kill yourself because of a philandering husband.

In all, there are 3 options here;

1) You leave him and let him carry on with his philandering ways and have a less stressful life along with peace of mind;
2) You stay with him and continue to confront him as he continuously cheats on you again and again; or
3) You stay in the marriage and develop a thick skin and ignore him until he is tired and then he’ll come back to his senses and stop his philandering ways himself.

The choice is totally yours; you are the one wearing the shoes and only you know how it pinches. No one else can tell you if to leave or stay.

Moving forward, part of the problem might be because you depend on him financial; that gives him the freelance to treat you anyhow as he knows you would always need money from him for your upkeep as well as for your kid. My advice to you would be to get a job/business you are involved in to garner some income to take care of yourself and your kid. Spending all your time checking his phone (don't get me wrong; you're entitled to check his phone) would not create income for you.

From a medical point of view, I'll advice you to go for an STD test IMMEDIATELY and check to make sure that you are not carrying any disease(s) as HIV AND AIDS ARE REAL AND IT IS NOT WRITTEN ON ANYONE'S FOREHEAD. I'll ADVICE that your husband should do the same.

At this moment in time, the most important thing here are you and your kid; stick around to care for your kid whether you decide to stay with your husband or not. BE WISE AS YOU SEEK GUIDANCE ON A WAY FORWARD TO HANDLING THIS MARITAL ISSUE AT HAND.

PS: I read a thread on NL where a woman died of a heartbreak because her husband was a chronic philanderer and now her children are without a mother all because she was fighting hard to stop the husband from cheating on her with different women.

I just mentioned this for you to be aware that a person can indeed die from a heartbreak. So please beware and be wise.


I rest my case

Very sensible

Jahblessme:
God to take your life or change him? I'm sorry o but that is a very stupid thing to say.I want to believe you are not stupid.Do you realise you have a child Did that child beg you to be born? If your life is taken who will care for him? How can you mortgage your life because of a man born of a woman like you?? The sooner you realise that we are all the same,its the same God who created and the same blood running through all of us,the better for you.How can you believe death is better than living to see your child excel because of a mere man.hmmmmmm

Let me tell you something,you MUST start building an emotional wall if you cannot leave a miserable marriage.You have to learn to coach your mind to become cold and view him as a roomie In the interim while you sort yourself out.You must be cold and calculating to survive the misery.

If hes not touching you you should be happy cos that reduces the chances of you catching an STD since you know he is unfaithful.If you want to be hitting it raw with him good luck cos sooner or later craw craw will descend.G o and buy a vibrator and have peace.

Go and look for something to do as well no matter how little,this will give you some self of self confidence.I personally believe self worth shouldn't be tied to a job though.

I don't know why people make it a habit of apologising and kneeling to say sorry when the other party is clearly at fault.There can be mutual acceptance of wrongdoing but this constant apology will make even me begin to take advantage.You have to have some dignity abeg.

Stop killing yourself and start thinking of. ways to build yourself up especially as you have a child to cater for.When you stop being obsessed with him,he may sit up and take notice.

War room members will soon come to help you cry harder.

Good luck

Me too. I saw it on amazon tv and jumped up to go watch. Thinking that I'd see a marriage between an angel and lucifer himself solved by the war room method.
Instead it was just a normal couple with the husband having small sko sko (he didn't even cheat) and he later realized his mistakes because he had some sense to begin with.

Yet people will see someone dying at the hands of a monster and keep prescribing 'war room' as a solution them. As if God is against one using their common sense.


@topic, OP harden your heart for now and get something to support yourself with. You must be smart. Once you can hold your own, confront him and make him know you can't live with that for the rest of your life. His reaction will let you decide whether to leave him or stay. Don't sacrifice your happiness for someone who doesn't care about it. And whatever you do, don't get pregnant again just yet and no unprotected sex with him.

If I were you I wouldn't even let him touch me with a foot long stick.

tearoses:


If you see the way I was jumping up and down when I saw this film on goslow
started watching it in the car straight away
I was deeply disappointed
This was a Christian couple who were just having a bad patch in their marriage
Nothing like the craziness that one hears about
They were a well matched and happy family to start with
They both loved God to start with and they both Loved God even when they were going through their bad patch
The war room method is not for everyone
The foundation has to be there in the first instance

I wonder why these prayer warrior don't prescribe same to husbands when their wives cheat on them. That's when they all remember adultery is grounds for divorce.

Or maybe the case is that y'all people worship a useless chauvinist God who hates women. Either way your systemic deep rooted hypocrisy is disgusting beyond words. And your portrayal of your God is one that no sane woman should want to worship.

@toksbisola, 3months max ke? A week after is tasking for a wayward man to get laid.

OP should find her own happiness wherever/however she feels it'll be easier to. First thing first is talk to the culprit and see if they can work things out or have a plan, if his choice is flirting on FB to get laid with different women; there's an arrangement for that too. There's nothing new under the sun, Aye ti laju than going through unneeded headache. Then find a way to liberate herself from shackles of financial bondage ie get something going for her(trade, apprentiship, school or whatever). What say can you possibly have without any potential of bringing anything to the table? Yes men will put up with wives without a job, but the Truth is men will NEVER put up with a wife without any potential aka credentials. Just be something for your own sake.

5minsmadness:
I would like to re-iterate to you ladies something else.
Men love sex.
Men love sex.
Men love sex.


Take it or leave it.

Men love sex.

And if you deny us sex its like leaving us dying of thirst. We literally become uncomfortable and sometimes manifest physical pains. If we see where we can quench that thirst, we will go there. It will take only the power of God to stop us.


This goes for the womanizers and born-again husbands as well. If you like preach and insult me from here to tomorrow.

Sex is food for us. If you are reading this and currently denying your man sex and smirking at this post saying your man is different or he 'understands', chances are he is drinking from another fountain right now. The day you catch him, you will be shocked out of your wits.


Sex is important to us men, just as you women cant do without romance and attention. Its good to understand men as well just as we men try to understand you women. Its not just what the woman wants in marriage that is important, its what the man wants as well. No matter how insignificant it may look to you as a woman.

If he told u while pregnant to please not cut your hair, or to stop wearing that dirty wrapper day in and day out, that it turns him off completely, you may laugh at its absurdity, but for goodness sake take it serious.

Amongst other things.


The man is begging for sex from different ladies on facebook and you think all is well in that house, that he is just asking for sex and jeopardizing his marriage for the hell of it? Ok.

The bold is funny

I totally agree about the sex thing and seriously it cant be emphasised enough.

However, this woman says she is begging for sex. So that is what I don't understand. Unless she wasn't giving it to him before and he has now tasted the forbidden fruit and no longer wants his wife or probably she was cold in bed

Be as it may, no one is perfect and even sex lives don't start out perfectly especially if one or both of you are novices. Its something you learn over time.
I mentioned this a problem in one of the other threads, that women sometimes don't speak up on their desires so the man just carries on in oblivion. If she is not enjoying sex, then eventually she will be reluctant to give it to him. Thais why for a healthier sex life, women should let her man know what he is doing right or wrong.

This is even just assuming that the quality or the lack of sex is what has caused this man to philander around town. Its just an assumption.

Marriage is very complex and so when a couple tells you A, be sure that there is also B & C involved. They will only tell you what they want you to know, that's why I asked the lady to sit down and evaluate the whole thing from the very beginning cos only the 2 of them have the full story and know what went wrong/is going wrong.

Well, there were issues. As per the guy was on the brink of infidelity and was disrespecting his wife but nothing like physical abuse or repeated infidelity. Just a guy who was bored. As far as I was concerned, his major crime was being an absentee father but so are a lot of peeps and rarely is divorce advocated for on that basis.

The principle behind the movie works I guess, but on a long time basis and **Watcher's alert: Results may not be immediate**

bukatyne:


So peeps keep prescribing a movie based on non-issues to people having serious issues?

Interesting.

Yet to watch the movie (doesn't sound like my type anyways).



On point.

I doubt the man changed 360 after marriage.

Seahawk:
I wonder why these prayer warrior don't prescribe same to husbands when their wives cheat on them. That's when they all remember adultery is grounds for divorce.

Or maybe the case is that y'all people worship a useless chauvinist God who hates women. Either way your systemic deep rooted hypocrisy is disgusting beyond words. And your portrayal of your God is one that no sane woman should want to worship.

This got me in stiches....

diva90:
I can't imagine the pain you are passing through. My dear, what you are going through is nothing new.... 90% of Nigerian women are going through it in one way or the other. It's very hard to see a faithful and honest man these days. Sadly, Infidelity in marriages is a norm these days.
I would advice you to gather evidence and confront your husband with it. Express yourself and let him know how u feel about his actions.
I would not advice you to just pack your things and move on until you have exhausted all possible ways of fixing the issue first. if all is said and done and he is still misbehaving, then follow your mind. i personally believe that your happiness should be your priority. The worst thing a woman can do is stay in a loveless and unhappy marriage where there is no mutual respect and understanding. Also look for a way to save money, further your education and make your self better. Learn a skill such as makeup artistry, sewing, cake baking etc and start a small business that will bring you little income. It's very important for a woman to be financially independent. Don't wait for him to send you to school , if you can do it for yourself, do so. I personally have learnt that it's not wise to depend on anyone for anything. If their plan for you is not a good one, make it work for yourself Good luck!

My dear, i'm sorry for what you are passing through in your marriage but i can tell you sincerely that most women pass through this in marriages,while some may have the courage to voice it out other may not but just keep enduring. Never allow your life revolve around a man,build your life on your own and by yourself,just forget that you're married and struggle for your life. Don't wait for anyone to do anything for you,do it yourself....that alone will earn you respect. Your hubby may have chosen his path to thread,my dear choose your own path.I have a slogan......... No matter what, my life must go on,tell yourself that your life must go on. Don't cut your life short because of a man!

My soul is lifted with your words. God bless you sirs and mad. Honestly I have wipe my tears and promise not to think about it again. I gathered courage and confronted him this morning and he was begging telling me it won't happen again. But this is not the first time he's cheating on me. It happened last year, two years ago and some week after our wedding. The thing is that I always forgive him but now I find it difficult to do that and even if I do, I don't love him anymore.i pray you will all have happy and blissful home.

Pls if anyone know where I can learn interior decoration at affordable price, let me know or if there's any other skill better that I can learn Pls suggest for me. God bless you

I pray u find peace within u and hopefully in ur home. (((Hugs)))

Where's ur location re the skills

Gloriagee:
I pray u find peace within u and hopefully in ur home. (((Hugs)))

Where's ur location re the skills

Iyana ipaja

5minsmadness:
I would like to re-iterate to you ladies something else.
Men love sex.
Men love sex.
Men love sex.


Take it or leave it.

Men love sex.

And if you deny us sex its like leaving us dying of thirst. We literally become uncomfortable and sometimes manifest physical pains. If we see where we can quench that thirst, we will go there. It will take only the power of God to stop us.


This goes for the womanizers and born-again husbands as well. If you like preach and insult me from here to tomorrow.

Sex is food for us. If you are reading this and currently denying your man sex and smirking at this post saying your man is different or he 'understands', chances are he is drinking from another fountain right now. The day you catch him, you will be shocked out of your wits.


Sex is important to us men, just as you women cant do without romance and attention. Its good to understand men as well just as we men try to understand you women. Its not just what the woman wants in marriage that is important, its what the man wants as well. No matter how insignificant it may look to you as a woman.

If he told u while pregnant to please not cut your hair, or to stop wearing that dirty wrapper day in and day out, that it turns him off completely, you may laugh at its absurdity, but for goodness sake take it serious.

Amongst other things.


The man is begging for sex from different ladies on facebook and you think all is well in that house, that he is just asking for sex and jeopardizing his marriage for the hell of it? Ok.

If I made a similar post saying 'Women love MONEY' . . . . I assume you'll be the first to call me a gold-digging LovePeddler. Bunch of hypocrites, you lot.

It's easy for men to make DEMANDS and strut around like they have a choice, not realizing that women have their own needs/dislikes too. We have our own turn-offs too, you know, and just because we accept that nobody is perfect and is willing to accommodate your failings doesn't mean we don't have a choice.

So I'm trudging around a 9-month old baby bump and all you care about is my bald hair or the wrapper on my chest? To hell with your sensibilities, I really don't care. Infact I'll encourage you to look outside if you think you can't stand me looking less than perfect for 9-month of pregnancy.

I pity women who live in fear of being cheated on and live their life trying to avoid that . . . A man who will cheat will cheat irrespective of what you do (as far as you are reasonable in your actions). And remember, women cheat also so it's not really exclusive to men.

I could decide to have a sugar daddy if I think my husband is not providing for the exorbitant lifestyle I think I deserve . . . so really, what's to gain from laying down all these unreasonable ground rules

I pray you never meet a woman like me, you'll learn to be humble . . . no lie!

Chijikenine:
Though am not new on nairaland and this is not my main handle but I need to hide my identity for some reason best known to me.
Pls I need mature advise from elderly people on this section. I married this man 6 yrs ago and God gave us a very handsome baby who is 5yrz old now. Some month after our wedding, I noticed that he spent more time on Fb but I was not bothered because of my condition(i got pregnant immediately after our wedding). Atimes I will beg him to make love to me but he will refuse and am not ugly at all. Even when I was pregnant, I always dress to kill and always make sure our home is very clean so i wonder why he's not making love to me. It continues like that till I gave birth and that is when the real beast in him came out.
I dnt have choice than to endure all the emotion pain he's causing me. I dnt nag nor ask him money for anything. Though he opened a mini provision store for me but the business was not profitable(provision business require reasonable amount of money) so I quit the business and decided to look for a better job with my ond certificate. All my effort to get a job was fruitless which made me to become a full house wife looking for what to do with my life. Though before we got married, he promise to send me back to school cos I told him he should allow me to go and complete my hnd and he said I will go to school from his house. So like 4 months ago, I opened his phone while he was sleeping and I wanted to download a worship song I heard in the church, a message came him from his girlfriend and that is when I opened his facebook inbox and what I saw shocked me. Imagine this man pleading and begging for sex from different women. I counted about 5 different women with different account, and this is a man that won't touch me foe 2weeks and even when he do he won't last more than 5mins. I have asked God several times why he gave me such man.
Early this year I told him I love interior decoration and he should give me money to go and acquire the skill, he didn't give me. My parent are poor and I have no where to run to. The only thing that still give me joy is my son, atimes I feel so useless and empty. I dnt love this man again cos he doesn't deserve My Love. I just want to move on with my life cos life is very short and i want to be happy for the rest of my life. Just advise me in your own way and I promise I will listen God bless you

Na wao,and I dey beg my wife 4 sex which she has made once in 3wks

Not familiar with Iyana Ipaja at all. Have you thought of sewing, if u have the flair. U can always start up from home and source customers from ur immediate environment, n if u do a good job, referrals will help with more customers. Also, there's usually training for home made liquid soap, like morn fresh which is sold in gallons. Best of luck with ur decision making.

Chijikenine:

Iyana ipaja

Gloriagee:
Not familiar with Iyana Ipaja at all. Have you thought of sewing, if u have the flair. U can always start up from home and source customers from ur immediate environment, n if u do a good job, referrals will help with more customers. Also, there's usually training for home made liquid soap, like morn fresh which is sold in gallons. Best of luck with ur decision making.

Thank you ma

Ujoan:


If I made a similar post saying 'Women love MONEY' . . . . I assume you'll be the first to call me a gold-digging LovePeddler. Bunch of hypocrites, you lot.

It's easy for men to make DEMANDS and strut around like they have a choice, not realizing that women have their own needs/dislikes too. We have our own turn-offs too, you know, and just because we accept that nobody is perfect and is willing to accommodate your failings doesn't mean we don't have a choice.

So I'm trudging around a 9-month old baby bump and all you care about is my bald hair or the wrapper on my chest? To hell with your sensibilities, I really don't care. Infact I'll encourage you to look outside if you think you can't stand me looking less than perfect for 9-month of pregnancy.

I pity women who live in fear of being cheated on and live their life trying to avoid that . . . A man who will cheat will cheat irrespective of what you do (as far as you are reasonable in your actions). And remember, women cheat also so it's not really exclusive to men.

I could decide to have a sugar daddy if I think my husband is not providing for the exorbitant lifestyle I think I deserve . . . so really, what's to gain from laying down all these unreasonable ground rules

I pray you never meet a woman like me, you'll learn to be humble . . . no lie!

@bolded, amen to that, sister.

I know churches, esp women ministries usually organize skills acquisitions training like in Redeemed etc. There's a church in Idimu that organises free trainings but I've not been in lag for a while. Hopefully, someone should link u up soonest.

Get with the program sister. Women are not allowed to have choices. How dare you think you can?

God forbid they even decide they want to be sexually demanding. Ashawo like her. How dare she?

Ujoan:


If I made a similar post saying 'Women love MONEY' . . . . I assume you'll be the first to call me a gold-digging LovePeddler. Bunch of hypocrites, you lot.

It's easy for men to make DEMANDS and strut around like they have a choice, not realizing that women have their own needs/dislikes too. We have our own turn-offs too, you know, and just because we accept that nobody is perfect and is willing to accommodate your failings doesn't mean we don't have a choice.

So I'm trudging around a 9-month old baby bump and all you care about is my bald hair or the wrapper on my chest? To hell with your sensibilities, I really don't care. Infact I'll encourage you to look outside if you think you can't stand me looking less than perfect for 9-month of pregnancy.

I pity women who live in fear of being cheated on and live their life trying to avoid that . . . A man who will cheat will cheat irrespective of what you do (as far as you are reasonable in your actions). And remember, women cheat also so it's not really exclusive to men.

I could decide to have a sugar daddy if I think my husband is not providing for the exorbitant lifestyle I think I deserve . . . so really, what's to gain from laying down all these unreasonable ground rules

I pray you never meet a woman like me, you'll learn to be humble . . . no lie!

etenyong:
Sister sorry about what u r going thru in ur marriage. Did u date or court b4 marriage? And this u notice all this signs then? Well, try and talk to him and if there are things he compliant about you, try to amend or change from them. Also don't forget to talk to God to arrest him. I wish u best of luck.

Why do people ask if couples having problems dated or courted. You can never truly know someone from just dating or courting, people change and adapt to the situations they find themselves.
A man that never raised his hand or voice at you while dating can become a monster after marriage also a woman that seems virtuous during courtship can turn out to be a foolish wife.
You get to know who your spouse is after wedding.

JustHere2Observ:


Why do people ask if couples having problems dated or courted. You can never truly know someone from just dating or courting, people change and adapt to the situations they find themselves.
A man that never raised his hand or voice at you while dating can become a monster after marriage also a woman that seems virtuous during courtship can turn out to be a foolish wife.
You get to know who your spouse is after wedding.

Had to chip in a bit with this comment.People don't just do a complete 360.It's very rare to see man who didn't raise his voice or hand on you while dating to suddenly become a wild beater or abuser.The person must be a pure papi wota soaked in the burning fires of hades to be able to pull such pretence off. An abusive person doesn't have to beat you outright while dating..When someone always says ill slap you o,i'll rearrange your teeth o..if u try me i will beat you.When someone isolates you from people,checks your phone irrationally,monitors you 24/7 then you marry and he turns to start accusing you of infidelity plus a few smacks here and there,will you say he changed?

What is being virtuos? Virginity? Or a smart chick with her head screwed on right? What parameter are you using to measure the change.A girl that has slept with ten men may not be considered virtuos by many but may have qualities that make her an asset any partner.A girl who has never had sex may not be bothered to develop any other quality except se xual control-this se xual chastity may be cherished above any other quality by some men.Many are lucky to find chastity and a smart babe in one package..My point is not to be so focused on one thing and miss out others.

What are your eyes were fixed on,what are the small small characters you didn't bother to look into.I have found that its those things that later surface more frequently once married cos you now live together but how can you say they've changed when they've always been that way but you just failed to pay attention?

How about the 'nice guy' who belittles his gate man or drags parking spot like an agbero or the virtuos woman who has a maid that's always dressed shabbily and sleeps on a wrapper on the floor?Or you meet a girl who's job pays highest 100k but all her pics are in private jet or holidaying in Majorca and you know your income in 200k but you still go ahead to chook head-When you are now not able to meet up and she starts misbehaving,will you claim she has changed? How about a jobless man who has never held down a job and isn't bothered about living from hand to mouth? Do you expect him to suddenly become a hustler after wedding? Instead of looking at these we are busy ticking does he smoke or drink,is she wide like bore hole...Smoking or drinking are bad vices but they do not make a person bad.Many ladies have had se x and will keep on having se x,that does not make them bad either.

My whole point is that MOST times the signs are there.Life isn't 100% predictable but some basic stuff are there for us to see.I will say to ladies BE BRUTAL and METHODICAL when choosing a partner.Look for the qualities you absolutely want and don't compromise on those especially when living in Naija where the odds are stacked against you. LOve oo but never love to a point where you are at a disadvantage.Put your self interest first then after you marry you can now start the self sacrifice provided you didn't end up with a mo ron.

Marry a man who represents what your ideal real man is,forget what society portrays as a real man(a house husband can be a real man to some but society may portray him as a failure).Find out what your own standard is and stick with it.It may not come with a six pack or strong nyash,it may not come with the most handsome face or very fat bank account(i said VERY fat),but you will find joy peace and happiness will fill your home as you work hand in hand to build a future.

Very good advice have been given here. But I prefer to hit hard truths no matter whose ox is gored. A husband should not commit adultery no matter what. People do it but it is not right. I'm dismayed to see some people endorsing this here. You've given the woman advice on how to beg, cry do this, do that. But that is human beings way of being unrealistic.Marriage is a two way thing. If she does all these and the man does nothing, do you really think that marriage would work? Be sincere. Nobody wants to see that the man can help save his marriage by his good actions. It is easier to say the woman must be a devil while the man is suffering from what she has done. Be honest. A good husband would build his home and not destroy it because of the "powerful" love of sex.

The result of using marriage to escape poverty PART 1.