Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group - Family - Nairaland
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| Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by missjo(f): 3:21pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
Endogamy is the practise of marrying within one's ethnic group, social class, or tribe/clan. The opposite of this is Exogamy. This subject has been one of the major causes of problems involving extended family/in-laws within the institution of marriage. Even presently in modern times, men and women still continue to be faced with the decision of marrying someone who will most likely be able to completely blend in with their own family traditionally. Although there are people who have had a successful marriage regardless who or what they marry, the tendency for disunity among in-laws is actually more probable when the couple come from different ethnic and social backgrounds. For some reason, it seems Nigerians are more comfortable with people they can communicate with in their own dialect and the reason for this is actually because most of us are still bigoted deep within us even with all of our so-called education, it's not like we can even call what Nigerian institutions offer a quality education. I'm very much aware that there have been successful marriages between people of different classes and ethnicity, but the honest truth is that among those people who end up having unresolved issues with their in-laws, the reason almost always has something to do with being from different parts of the country. There are even some places in Anambra and Enugu state where parents prefer their sons and daughters to marry someone who is from their own village, imagine that? No need to name these places, as I don't want to make this a tribal thing. I only mentioned those two states because I have two good friends presently who are from there whose 'educated' parents have told that they must marry a man who is from their own village and this is already causing problems between them and their parents. The major source of concern is, what is the way forward? Do we advise single women and men to put the ethnicity of their partners in consideration before even agreeing to date to avoid stories that touch when the time comes to say I do? Or do we all pretend to be modern and marry anyone we fall in love with regardless of where they come from or what our parents think? |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by Nobody: 3:54pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
Tough one |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by Nobody: 4:14pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
As much as I support and find inter tribal unions admirable, truth is, I'd prefer to get married to someone from my ethnic group. I'm more attracted to them and I'd feel more comfortable with them . That doesn't mean I won't keep an open mind, if it happens that someone comes along who has all the qualities that I desire but is of a different tribe, I won't reject the person. 4 Likes |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by missjo(f): 4:38pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
Fabulocity:Your first paragraph is the real reason why most of us just naturally acclimate towards people of the same ethnicity, it is all about being comfortable with them and their family. You can speak their language and not feel left out when your partner or husband is talking to his mother in their dialect. Some women might even start assuming their husband and mother in law are talking about something they don't want her to hear,chai.i know I won't be able to bear that feeling honestly. But I would really like to know how those people who married outside their tribe have been able to go about it. Do they tell their husband to always speak English with his relatives in her presence or what? |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by missjo(f): 4:46pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
Kachisbarbie:Truly tough. My sister is married to an Ogoni man & I used to see that look of being left out in her face anytime her husband's brothers visit and they are talking in their dialect. But I noticed recently that they now speak only pidgin the last time I visited her, I have a feeling she must have complained to him about it and such a situation is what I want to avoid so that I don't come across as insecure. 1 Like |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by Nobody: 4:53pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
There's no pretending to be modern here. I would date & marry anyone outside my ethnicity given the chance. I simply will not pass the opportunity to learn and grow together with someone I love simply due to difference with language or perspective to life. Anyone that wouldn't support me, be my parents or whoever wouldn't be a part of my life. I can't sacrifice my happiness to please someone. I only have one life. I'll live to fullness. 1 Like |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by babythug(f): 5:09pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
Love can be a bit tricky; in that the heart doesn't really choose* whom to love, you just find that you are in love with a particular person i.e despite your deep desires of being with someone from your ethnic group you may end up in love with someone from another!!!! That said it is easier to be in love and end up with someone from the same ethnic group. Differences and issues may* be easier to manage seeing that the couple may/should have the same orientation as regards general issues. But then again as long as one isn't from the same family there will always be differences as per outlook to life and opinions and general relations so i guess it's more important to focus on the individual and character beyond ethnicity. My two cents! This seems an interesting topic, lemme invite some people to the discourse. CC: tearoses, EfemenaXY , onegai, sambarry, bellong, edwife,cococandy, alphahandmaiden, helovesme |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by SAMBARRY: 5:12pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
babythug:whatever rocks your boat my dear  Continue with My gele jare Omo dada 6 Likes 1 Share
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| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by naijacentric(m): 5:31pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
Tribalism is evil we are all nigerians we can marey from anywhere enuf of dis madness |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by Nobody: 5:33pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
missjo: lol, I know that feeling. I think their kids are at advantage, 'dual citizenship' things na. SAMBARRY:That gele is everything. I've been looking for a stuff like that... |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by thorpido(m): 6:00pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
missjo:Exposure,level of education and orientation........very important. If you decide to go the inter-tribal route,you need to meet the family and assess their level of orientation,and education.How do they see other tribes(or your tribe)? As per speaking their language when you are around,again it depends on how you have built your relationship while dating and being confident of your position in your in-law's family.You need to know they love you,want you and respect you. I travelled to my in-law's hometown last christmas,they held a family meeting and the uncle being the head said I should sit with them as a member of the family.Before he started to talk,he apologised to me and said he was going to speak his language so he could express himself well.He said my wife will 'download' for me later.He jokingly said I have to learn the language too.Did I feel lost and insecured as they all spoke?Naaaa.Like I said,I earned their respect and I know they love and want me. When my siblings and mum come around too,we speak our language even when my wife is present.I there's anything she needs to hear or be part of the discussion,we speak english. They key thing is knowing the family. It's human nature to want to stay close to home,marry someone who speaks your language and understands your culture but hey,the world is a global village now.......this is 2016!Africans are marrying spouses in Asia,Europeans are marrying Africans.Cultures can be imbibed,languages can be learnt.You shouldn't give up on love for the sake of ethnicity. 7 Likes 1 Share |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by EfemenaXY: 6:54pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
SAMBARRY: Lol! Where've you been madam? Was about to send out a search party for you Sambarry abeg ask the girl fixing your gele say make she try comb her hair small...  1 Like |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by AlphaHandMaiden(f): 6:56pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
missjo: Sooooo babythug, you have hoiked me into family section.... me that has been eating my imaginary puff corn jeje by the sidelines.  I am watching you!.....  If people talking in their local language is going to be pinching you, You learn the language! simples!! Life is sometimes not as complicated as we make it out to be. I know a few women that learnt their husbands language and now speak it fluently. You wont even know they are from another state! Infact one of my cousins was told bluntly by her MIL, that she doesnt speak english, and she will speak ibo go her grandchildren! And kept speaking ibo to her, around her, about her, tease her!!!! So we quickly got with the program and learnt ibo sharp sharp.... now they are best of buddies! Problem solved! Disaster averted. She had the option to let it get to her, sulk and escalate it to a huge issue of MIL, not liking her but she didnt. You havent seen where in laws will bad mouth you in a language you can understand and to your hearing!!!! speaking the same language or having your parents share an adjoining fence in the same village , your fathers sharing the same mango tree to smoke pipe in the evening or even your mothers belonging to the same meeting or osusu club, does not guarantee a happy union or an easy ride with the inlaws. If an inlaw decides not to like you, the reasons are sometimes baseless such as the fact that a girl might just be the wrong shade of yellow! That being said, you shouldnt go into a marriage with the anticipation it is me vs them. A man and woman in marriage form their own family unit. Their home, their rules. If either party starts doing things to please extended family, na there k leg wan start. As long as both individuals are happy together, understand eachother and share the same values and have peace of mind, what region of the world your ancestors decided to settle in should not be an issue. I have also seen cases that the family pressured their children to marry " local" frustrating the relatioship with the "outsider" till break-up and the local marriage were disasters from the local men beating the women to stupor or the local girl that will nag the man, bad at money management and even insult the parents inlaw for no reason and essentially scatter the family! Both parties are adults..... and should be able to speak frankly to and respectfully stand up to their parents/family on behalf of their spouse. If you cant do that, then you have no business getting married. 4 Likes |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by EfemenaXY: 6:59pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
babythug: I think it really depends on the personality of the person one intends to marry and the family. There are marriages from hell where both the husband and wife come from the same village / street, and there are enviable marriages made in heaven where the couple come from completely different backgrounds / countries / continents. Cc: Mindfulness, Ngokafor, Damiso |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by SAMBARRY: 7:53pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
| YEs ma.I'll TELL her Haaa NO need to search for me I have Been on nl since albeit with My other Monicas EfemenaXY: 1 Like 1 Share |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by SAMBARRY: 7:59pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
Kachisbarbie:bring 10 thousand naira and it will be delivered to you 2 thousand naira to buy the aso oke 2500 naira to buy the glittering stones we Will put on it which IS 1pack 3000 to buy the designs on the tip of the gele The remaining change left is for service charges and transportation money to go to Lagos island to buy all the materials we will use for the job |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by Berbierklaus(f): 8:06pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
For people to completely engage in Exogamy,still a long way in Nigeria Some cultural backgrounds are not helping matters,infact most reasons some parents refuse their children marrying outside their ethnic group is because of some absurd cultural practices,I won't want to give descriptive examples  3 Likes |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by Nobody: 8:14pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
SAMBARRY:Haba. You can kill o... 2500 for a packet of glittering stones? Naso them dey sell am for Lagos? It's N900 here in Aba na  Anyway, thanks for teaching me, DIY has taken over  . |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by EfemenaXY: 8:19pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
Kachisbarbie: |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by freshvine(f): 8:20pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
I married igbo cos I wanted pure breed. 1 Like |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by SAMBARRY: 8:21pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
Kachisbarbie:haaa you will quench o You think say Na just office gum we go use to stick the glittering stones on the gele? You need a lot of artistic skill to bring out something very professional If you buy the one of 900 I can guarantee you that during the tying, everything will just be piecesing one by one. Once wind blow am everything go just dey comot |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by EfemenaXY: 8:24pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
SAMBARRY: These killing and quenching stones sef...on top gele matta. |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by Nobody: 8:44pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
SAMBARRY: Mogbe Aso oke N2000 Where? Even when I went to Badagry where they weave the aso oke on looms gan gan, the cheapest was N3500 Gbagi market 5K Ive been conned  Aso Oke 2K.............. Sambarry you no be better person o! See as they are conning your sista I stone my aso oke and ankaras myself too Cheap stones come off as you are tying so its best to go for quality rhinestones |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by SAMBARRY: 8:44pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
EfemenaXY:LOlol The gele will make the musician sing her praises in the owanmbe If the musician is sina Peters he Will be like kachis baby omoge you fine o Kachis you pretty o maparami sie lorun (i will kill myself because of you) Maseramileshe sie lorun (i will bruise myself because of you) Etc etc like that |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by thorpido(m): 8:46pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
freshvine:Is your husband from the same village as yours? |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by SAMBARRY: 8:51pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
tearoses:you're a big woman na Shebi you're going to buy it in boutiques where they've billed you with their transportation money, money to fuel their gen and shop rent money instead of going to Lagos island where they sell it in bulk on whole sale prices. If you walk well sef you might even run into some stores where it's weaved and All you have to do is give it to your tailor to put it together Who the hell is even selling gele 5k for you? Are there raw diamonds on the gele? |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by Nobody: 8:52pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
Babythug its down to individual choice as well as making sure that the family you are marrying into/your own family is open to embracing in-laws from outside your area. |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by Nobody: 8:56pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
SAMBARRY: Boutique ke! I still cant get over this Just to confirm you are talking aso oke gele complete set here I.e gele, ipele and 1 length for the mans cap We have derailed this thread o lets meet in the fun room |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by freshvine(f): 8:56pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
thorpido: Anambra + Imo collabo |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by SAMBARRY: 8:58pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
tearoses:alright then.call my name there so I'll see the thread you are in my mentions  |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by Onegai(f): 9:00pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
Abeg make una teach me how to stone Ankara. I have a glue gun already. I have to start looking good o, I went to my cousin's party casual and awon Lekki wives wanted to murder me with stoned casual outfits o and I was there looking like a female peahen  . E remain small they nearly sent me for a plate of food. And when I contacted one of their tailors, she told me N20,000...to sew N7000 ankara. So I am going to hammer, I mean sew my outfit and bedazzle it myself |
| Re: Marriage Within Or Outside One's Ethnic Group by Nobody: 9:01pm On Aug 29, 2016 |
EfemenaXY: I agree 100%. It boils down to personality. I just have the impression that people tend to stick to 'their own' more frequently. Dunno. |
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