freecocoa: Well i don't think I'd like to live near my future MIL let alone in the same compound.

What if your hubby must live with his mother? You know, something like old age, health issue, only place etc for better care. Not all mothers-in-law are pain in the ash. Mindset of many daughters in law sometimes contributes to all these things. And to think of it this way: majority of today's daughters-in-law are tomorrow's mothers-in-law.

Don't blame ur MIL 4 what is happening,she was only trying to help and moreover you did not mention anything like ur MIL being the one that influenced him to be behaving that way.About the things he's not doing,most of them are not mandatory things husband should do;it's not as if he's not bringing money home to fend for the family or take kids to school and why on earth should raise your voice at your husband just because he didn't help you in cooking.There is nothing bad in eating his mother's food and being with his family,they are his family just as you are.
You've spoilt everything,you should have talked it over with him in a mature way before it got to the level of shouting at each other.The only solution is just to beg him and beg him and tell him you are sorry for all that happened between both of you and try telling him things he does that you don't like(you have to time when you will raise the topic,probably in the night when he is calmed and relaxed) and i'm sure everything will be history.

@ Poster:

If you play your card well, you will benefit long term. You both can quickly save up and move into your own property, possibly far away from your ILs. Go to MIL with him sometimes. You can even compliment her good cooking.

See it as a temporary sacrifice. Don't compete with your MIL because by the look of things, you will lose.

Free accommodation in Lasgidi is not moin moin.

When we men are close to our mothers, it's likely we will naturally behave childishly.

wandeay: It depends on the kind of mother-in-law, as for me, my mum's attitude and characters can influence my wife to live with her, but also depends on age, if the woman is more than e.g 65-70, there's tendency for her to develop some unusual characters associated with old age thereby irritation any wife to live with her

And because of this "attitude and characters" which your wife may not like, where would you have your mother live at the of 70years if your place is the most convenient place for her to live. What if your mother had been your wife's mother, would she find it difficult to live with her 70years old mother?

Well, personally, i cant live wiv ma MIL. She will eventuali change from ma MIL to ma rival. Dont even get me started on d torments. D long and short of it is dis; Abeg Mama pls go bak 2 where u were all d yle.

Ujujoan:

Exactly . . . mothers are supposed to direct their childern to the right path in their marriages . . . not encourage division!
Hubby's always glad to see my mum Cos whenever she's around, I'm the dream wife. If I as much as look at him the wrong way I'll get a serious tongue lashing from my mum. The fear of her turns me into a perfect wife!

The MIL should partake in the blame, which woman allows her son to spend so much time with her when he has a wife of his own?

dis fight between wives & mother-in-laws..... Na wa o. When will it eva end? Wives remember now, dat one day u will be a mother in-law & u will reap ur reward according 2 ur deeds in Jesus name......... Can i hear a big MENA

Efemena_xy: @ poster, to answer your question, NO.

No, I can't and won't live my mother-in-law or any other in-law for that matter.

Even if the only accommodation I and my hubby i.e we both can afford, is a thatched shack under a tree in the middle of nowhere, then so be it.

Hand in hand, we'll ride the rough times together. That's my understanding of for better for worse.

That yhur understanding has a very strong tendency of inclining towards a 'ME AND MY HUSBAND ALONE' philosophy which isn't very healthy.

jennykadry:

The MIL should partake in the blame, which woman allows her son to spend so much time with her when he has a wife of his own?

Maddam don't worry , you will have your own children then you would know what it means to have them close. The poor mama did the couple a perfect good to get them to jump high cost lagos house rents. @op you and your man must have courted for a while before marriage, and you will know how you settle little issues as such. You said you don't nag which is good. When your man goes to the mother's side, go and sit there with them. Love wins

as much as i lov my mother in-law to be i cant stay wit anyone xcept my husband... my darling husband to be

Also remember that your OWN mom is a mother in-law to your hubby, so have thought about your hubby's favourable rating of your mom? MIL applies both ways!

Dont destroy ur marriage cooking is not husband duty in this part of the world
and wht do you expect your MIL to say if he do cook for you.
OFI ORI OKO GBA PARO. meaning you don JAZZ ur husband.
Let him assist you when he feel like dnt make it a duty for him.

I am yet to understand this recent craze of wives expecting husbands to cook for them, na wa o...lol. Look sisters reading this, the things that make men to value, respect and bow for you ladies even when you are not there are these:

1. the good meals you cook
2. the house chores you do- keeping the house in good tidings
3. taking care of babies, cos we men find it extremely difficult to take care of a baby without the baby crying the whole house out of order..lol

Now, when you allow your husband to turn to a professional chef, you are only making yourself a substitute, of which you will regret later when the trouble starts. Do you know that what brings most husbands home is that special meal they believe only their wife can prepare? do you know that men do brag outside, even when with their friends of how good their wives are in cooking and taking care of the home? Do you know that when you are not around, maybe on a vacation, and your husband is now living with his female cousins, maids, etc, he will always make reference that HAD IT BEEN MY WIFE IS AROUND, THIS SOUP WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN LIKE THIS, OR THIS HOUSE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THIS DIRTY? They might not say it out, but they keep saying it in their minds. so whenever your husband stops feeling your absence in those areas- food, house chores, etc, just have it in mind that you are just an alternative and he may do away with you with time, which I pray it won't be your portion.


Pls and pls, no matter the job, don't let your job take away the joy of your marriage, a woman is a woman- to take care of the home, a man is a man- to provide for the house, and in any home the case is other wise, you can hardly find happinness and peace in that home, pls be wise and act wisely. Good luck!

My sister, please take things easy! Do not provoke any war with your mother inlaw. Extend your love to her, even in the face of provocation.Am sure your own mother advised you concerning her( your mil). Apply wisdom and patience eh?

Woman u sound like a nagging wife. What do u mean ur husband doesn't cook for u again, as if it's his responsibility to do that. Are u nuts?. Seriously, I feel like giving you a resounding slap. Nonsense, Mtsheww.

slimojas89: Maddam don't worry , you will have your own children then you would know what it means to have them close. The poor mama did the couple a perfect good to get them to jump high cost lagos house rents. @op you and your man must have courted for a while before marriage, and you will know how you settle little issues as such. You said you don't nag which is good. When your man goes to the mother's side, go and sit there with them. Love wins

Oga don't worry. I have kids of my own so I know what I am talking about. The question now is, do you?

You know women can be funny and insecure at times.. The best thing is not to make it a habit of cooking for them, or buying them gifts, taking them out often etc because when u stop, their mind automatically processes it as u not loving them or caring about them anymore. So the best thing is to do the reverse and take them out or cook for them once in a blue moon so they would appreciate those few times.

I think as a new couple, u guys need ur privacy and set out on ur new life. Get ur own apartment no matter how small. Living under someone (in this case ur MIL) will make u subject to them. I hope ur stay here is temporary. Leavin ur MIL has nuffin to do with ur fights tho. I see it has part of growing up. Jst tell ur hubby u're uncomfy with the arrangement. He is a reasonable person. I'm sure he'll undrstand.
PS: Cooking is the duty of a woman in a nigerian environment as is providing for the family the duty of a man. Better deal with it.

DailyNews: I am yet to understand this recent craze of wives expecting husbands to cook for them, na wa o...lol. Look sisters reading this, the things that make men to value, respect and bow for you ladies even when you are not there are these:

1. the good meals you cook
2. the house chores you do- keeping the house in good tidings
3. taking care of babies, cos we men find it extremely difficult to take care of a baby without the baby crying the whole house out of order..lol

Now, when you allow your husband to turn to a professional chef, you are only making yourself a substitute, of which you will regret later when the trouble starts. Do you know that what brings most husbands home is that special meal they believe only their wife can prepare? do you know that men do brag outside, even when with their friends of how good their wives are in cooking and taking care of the home? Do you know that when you are not around, maybe on a vacation, and your husband is now living with his female cousins, maids, etc, he will always make reference that HAD IT BEEN MY WIFE IS AROUND, THIS SOUP WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN LIKE THIS, OR THIS HOUSE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THIS DIRTY? They might not say it out, but they keep saying it in their minds. so whenever your husband stops feeling your absence in those areas- food, house chores, etc, just have it in mind that you are just an alternative and he may do away with you with time, which I pray it won't be your portion.


Pls and pls, no matter the job, don't let your job take away the joy of your marriage, a woman is a woman- to take care of the home, a man is a man- to provide for the house, and in any home the case is other wise, you can hardly find happinness and peace in that home, pls be wise and act wisely. Good luck!

I don't quite get it!

A man boiling white rice for himself (while wifey is working to provide financial support for the man) and micro-waving the already made stew in the freezer somehow diminishes the 'importance' of a wife

It's the same way that women like to flaunt their gold jewelries and brand new cars which their hubbies bought for them. But does a man being unable to buy these things diminish his worth as a husband?

9ja men sha. . . .

12 inches!:

PS: Cooking is the duty of a woman in a nigerian environment as is providing for the family the duty of a man. Better deal with it.

If the man was providing for the family like he should, then wifey won't have to take a job where she gets home by 8.00pm!

Sometimes, men should try and be realistic.

My assertion may not be totally in tandem with the issue at hand but in as much as I am not in support of MILs treating their daughter-in-laws bad, I am equally not in support of daughter-in-laws who feel because they have arrived every other person from the hubby's home should stay clear. This is gradually becoming a norm in the society these days. We should not forgot that it is this same MIL that nurtured the hubby from his anal stage till he became somebody and a woman will just come and suddenly start deciding whether the MIL should stay or not. That is arrant nonsense.
Again, it is advisable not to start what you cannot finish especially when it has to do with women, because that will automatically become your responsibility. I remember when I was used to staying with my babe in the kitchen at night till she finishes preparing dinner, but the very first day I told her I was very tired and could not make it to the kitchen, she abandoned a pot of rice in the kitchen just to wake up in the morning and realized that the pot rice got burnt, Just because I did not follow her to the kitchen

sexyverah: as much as i lov my mother in-law to be i cant stay wit anyone xcept my husband... my darling husband to be

i go be your husband to be

Ellashow: I can't live with my MIL or any relations 4 dat matter because their are some MILs who praises u in ur present and talk against u @ ur bck. If u caution ur hubby 4 going there 2 much, they would say u are keeping him away from them and if u allow him 2 frequent there, they will also say u are not making him happy @ home so dat is why he comes there always. I think it is 4 everybody's interest 2 stay far from each other

You can't live with ur inlaws but u can live with their son/daughter. I'm sure you won't mind if ur relative come to live with you. If any body can stay with me why not my inlaws?

@poster. If you're friendly with his family that's good. May be some times you could visit his family with him and eat together. When he sees u don't mind, he would be happy to spend more time with you.
You don't always win by confronting or being too assertive.
If people had their way everyone would live in VGC or Ikoyi.

jelikay: Dont destroy ur marriage cooking is not husband duty in this part of the world
and wht do you expect your MIL to say if he do cook for you.
OFI ORI OKO GBA PARO. meaning you don JAZZ ur husband.
Let him assist you when he feel like dnt make it a duty for him.

@OP, No mother-in-law wants to see her son doing house chores in the name of supporting a wife. I can help in doing almost anything in the house but whenever my mother or any of my relatives are arround that changes. My wife don't like it (when I stop doing stuffs when my mum or relatives are with us) but I do so to protect the good relationship betwen her and my mum (and my relaives) B4 they start saying "OFI ORI OKO GBA PARO"; meaning you don JAZZ ur husband.
Keep loving your husband. That's the best you can do under this circumstance.

Gaggi: Your husband spoilt u. Now u see him cooking as his responsibility when he was jst trying to be helpful. U are courting trouble for yourself and d young marriage. Leave MIL out of this and become the dutiful wife who doesn't nag and doesn't tell oga to go to the kitchen. Ur husband will start staying in ur flat when u learn to let him be.

U are 100% on point. Right, responsibility and priviledge are different entities. While right should be demanded and fought for, responsibility is offered, and priviledge is humbly solicited.

In a typical Nigerian/African family setting, once circumstance brings you and your mother-in-law under the same roof - call it flat, apartment or face-me-I-face-you; under no circumstance must there be two separate dinning tables. It is your responsibility as the wife (mother) of the house to cook for the whole household and eat together on the same dinning table whenever you are available. Whenever you are not around, your mother-in-law takes care of that if she is available. With these set up, your husband could barely be involved in any domestic chores. Unless if you really want him to continue to be involved in order to show you that he has not changed from his former self

DONT EVER LIVE WITH YOUR MOTHER INLAW I IS THE BIGEST MISTAKE I HAVE MADE IN MY LIFE BUT I DID IT FOR LOVE

[b][/b]

Kobojunkie: @Poster, your problem is not necessarily your mother-in-law but your husband. The boy is still not a man, it seems. If you eventually move out of that flat, I doubt the problem will go away. You two probably should go in for counseling to figure out a middle ground of some kind.

Any time some guys commit blunders, some females label them as “boys”. Why? Are mistakes exclusive to "boys"? I wonder what a fumbling lady should be called! Girl?

Ujujoan:

I don't quite get it!

A man boiling white rice for himself (while wifey is working to provide financial support for the man) and micro-waving the already made stew in the freezer somehow diminishes the 'importance' of a wife

It's the same way that women like to flaunt their gold jewelries and brand new cars which their hubbies bought for them. But does a man being unable to buy these things diminish his worth as a husband?

9ja men sha. . . .

I understand you but this is Africa. And let me ask you, if not that we are copying alot from the west, all these won't come up. See Uju, our mothers back then were all working, though not as corporate as we see today. Mothers back then used to go to farm very early in the morning, still go to market to buy food, then cook it. some mothers trade, to the extent that some do trek to a long distance, some miles away to sell their goods (fish, oil, nuts, etc), and then make little profits, and out of the little profit coupled with the one their husbands gave them, buy food stuffs, come back some times very late, exhausted and still enter locally made kitchen without comfort to prepare meals for the family, and stil serve their husbands happily and respectfully without complaining that their hubby has been idle at home without helping them to boil bread fruit, or beans or yam, or whatever...pls if you want a happy home, look at your mother, let your mother and old aunties be your role model and not those you watch on NOLLYWOOD or HOLLYWOOD or one unhappy family that you presume are having a sweet home when they are not. pls and pls, leave your husband away from house chores and cooking pls o. hmmmmm

freecocoa: Well i don't think I'd like to live near my future MIL let alone in the same compound.

Why? Are you already assuming that your future mother-in-law would be terrible? Surely preconceived bad ideas about mother-in-laws are prevalent in ladies even before marriage. It is a given that your future mother-in-law must be one of those terrible ones from hell. The problem of holding such preconceived notions as being true is that they can lead us to very negative and critical beliefs about others and that can affect our behaviours toward others. Please, change your mindset. Remember, one day, you will most probably be in your mother-in-law's position when you get to have your own son. Just think about that for a while.

Why won't i live with my mother_in_law

i would want my privacy as a newly wed. every couple shld hv their first years to get 2 know each oda well and settle in without external forces.

but if u end up staying with ur mum inlaw and ur husband isnt handling the situation well, u need to apply serious wisdom.

dont try to turn him against his mum. bond with her instead,be close to her.u will see dt she will even be sending him home whn he keeps visiting her unnecessarily.

dont make her d enemy.