i'm not exactly in search of love, in fact if i had my way i would opt out of this all thing.

i've only ever had three serious relationships,

the first was an experience and ended because of his infidelity, i couldnt put up with it anymore. truth be told i knew when it began, it was a long distance relationship, but we made efforts to see each other on the weekends. i got to hear that he had an affair with a classmate of his. not being one to jump to conclusions, i confronted him and he admitted that it was brief and indeed over. some months after that, i had to travel out of the country for about a month, anyhow, on getting back i found that he had a fling with one of my co-workers that he had met while at my workplace. i felt a bit embarassed to hear it from other co-workers. i decided to ignore it all and act like i hadnt found out, i had been with this guy for two years, and was hoping when things were settled, we would get married. afterwards i found that he began to act rather odd, normally we would swap sims and use each other's phones, but he became reluctant. i decided not to invade his privacy. one day after leaving his house in festac town, and i discovered that i had left my planner in his house, i went back to get it and lo and behold his classmate (the one he had the affair with) was there already. since they were not in any incriminating position, i was cordial and went to get my organiser. some weeks after that incident i confronted him, especially because news of a possible relationship with MY colleague had begun to spread round the office, ny friends even had to answer a lot of questions on my behalf. when i confronted him, i recall we were in a public place, just chiling, and then he got angry and blew his top, he said it didnt matter if there were other girls, that he had chosen me, in his words "look, it is not as if they some of them are not finer than you, but it doesnt matter, because i chose you, i could have had any of them, but i'm with you, so stop making noise because they'll still be there", that stung, he said it like he was doing me a favour by remaining with me, (we were still young, and i was only doing IT, i was going to return to school), at that point, i didnt know why i was with him anymore, he had never hit me before (except once when we had a brief arguement), and i had always done my best never to provoke him.
The one that tore it for me was when he had travelled with a couple of his friends from school, i didnt ask him of what had gone on during that week because i was away as well. i got to find what i hadnt bargained for, i was transferring some images from his friend's phone when i saw picture of their portnovo trip, MY boyfriend and this same girl were in so many intimate positions that even i had not thought of experiencing with him till marriage. , afterwards i decided to go away with a couple of friends for two weeks, just to get myself together. i hadnt told any of my friends of any of it because as much as it was bad, i did not want them to look at him wrongly.
one thing i knew for sure was that he thougt me too fragile to ever end things with him, and so he was confident to an extent that he had a hold over me. i was going to suprise him. Before i went on the getaway with my friends i had left him a note saying that we needed to cool off for a bit, because there were too many things not right with our relationship. Throughout my two weeks away, he kept callin, durin that period MTN signals werent so strong there, but somehow, his calls still managed to come through. To cut it short, he kept calling, singing love songs, at a point he got to me when he sang backstreet boy's incomplete, but i was trying to be strong, i had told myself that i would not be moved and i was going to end things, whether or not he had seen the light.
when i got back to lagos, i went to see him, i told him that i had thought things through and that i was not going to continue with us anymore, when he asked why, it took a lot in me to hold back from shouting "you want to know why?, how can you even be asking me after everything, have i ever once been unfaithful, and so on", but all i said was, "just because"
for months after our seperation, he sent messages, he sent people, he begged, but my mind was made up, i wanted him to just leave me. he had upset me, he had made me feel small.
afterward i promised myself that i would be no man's puppet, yes i may be softspoken, but i was going to be firm and strong and no matter what, no guy would feel that he had that control over me again.


i'll keep you posted on the other two, and my current dilemma

the second guy was, truly amazing. he lived in abuja but we had met at a friends get together. i had heard about him from a friends because apparently they had grown up together. i wasnt in the mood for gatherings, but seeing it was for a friend, i went dere to lend a hand. that's when we met. i was talkin with some people when he came in, and i could feel his eyes on me, if i say he never took his eyes of me all night, i wouldnt be exaggerating. i knew he was staring at me, and it was making me uncomfortable. when we were finally introduced, i played it cool and just went with the "finally i meet the infamous tammy (tamuno)". i stayed away from him the rest of the night though. i do recall that for some reason, i had gotten upset at the party by a friend of his, anyhow i stayed for as long as i could and went back home. Later that same night i got a call from tammy apologising on behalf of his friend.
anyway, after that i forgot about our meeting and everything. the next time i got to speak to him again was during my two-weeks getaway when my friend had accidentally dialled his number while using my phone. of course later he called back, and we yarned for a while. he made me laugh and seeing that at that time i really needed a good laugh i was grateful for his companionship.
after nnamdi and i had seperated, i went back to school and tammy and i resumed our daily chats, he was also in school, but he was based in minna while i was in lagos. as much as i enjoyed his company over the phone and looked forward to his daily calls, i was not redy for a relationship, and i suspected that was his intention. i remember during one of our phone conversations, he popped out "i love you", and i grew silent. i told him not to say it to me and that love was a big deal for me, that i did not love him the way he thought he loved me.
for about 6mths after our re-union we went on like this, over the phone. i had grown fond of him and could not imagine a day without his calls or texts. i knew i had frustrated him with my silence on the relationship issue, eventually when i realised that i could lose him and what we had, i decided to make him happy and agree to go out with him (but not that i wasnt in love with him). i gave him my answer on a thursday, by friday night he was in lagos to see me. initially i did not think we would last because we were different, he was a bad-boy to the bone, and me a goody-two-shoes,
i remember a mutual friend of his commending me saying he'd never seen tammy like that before, that whatever i had used on him was workin. tammy and i became inseperable, despite the distance, we felt everything, we talked about everything. i could talk to him about the guys running after me in lagos (unlike nnamdi who went about beating them and getting acid poured on him, yes it did happen once). there were times he was in lagos for months and those months were amazing. he respected the fact that i did not want to get intimate till marriage, and although he confessed to wanting me, he said he would never force me. i was his first serious relationship, and according to him, his last. we talked aboutmarriage and every, i was happy.
however the time came when i had to be out of the country indefinitely. when i broke the news to him, he dint seem fazed, he just said we'd work it out. i left and true to his word we talked everyday, but it bacame harder and harder, and one day when i couldt take it anymore i told him, i said it'd be best if we focused on our lives especially since i did not know when i would be coming back. he was silent. the following week was going to be our 1 yr anniversary so we agreed to end things then. that night we spoke for 5hrs non-stop reminiscing and laffin, and crying, yes he did cry and it tore me apart. i knew that i would always love him no matter, and i knew he's feel the same.
for a while there was no ccontact, and everyday i longed to hear his voice, i asked my friends about him, and all i heard was that he was different. he had resumed his drinking habit which he had stopped because i didnt like it, and he looked worn. two months after our end, we spoke, and all those feelings were still there. at that time i met a guy at my college (the third guy),


emmanuel and i met in college and we became tight, it wasnt a romantic relationship, we were bestfriends, he knew that i was still grieving the end of tammy and i so he made no efforts. i talked to him about things that i felt, just as i would have with tammy, but he was different. he wasnt a bad guy that i had to tame, he was more of a good nerdy guy that hadnt even been in a relationship. one night manny and i were talkin, and he asked me what the worst possible thing a bestfriend cud say to the other was, and i was like "i don't know'. then he was like "ibk, i have a crush on you, no i'm in love with you, i've liked you since the first time we had lab together", he told me about the different times he had tried to make it known to me but i had been blind to. he was like "i know this is not the right time, but i want to be more than just best friends with you". i couldnt speak, i thought of how i had been finding myself again without tammy and the active role emma had played in that, so i told him to give me some time that i needed to think.
i saught advice from some of my friends, who apparently knew about his crush but hadnt told me, all i got from them was " you guys are perfect, you already know each other, there's no need for the trying to figure out each other stage, he really likes you, he called us before he asked you because he was nervous, "
they were right, we knew each other well, but it wouldnt be fair to him especially since part of me still wanted tammy. but the again this could be my chance to get over tammy. i decided to go for it, i gave manny a yes, and yea we went for it.
manny was great, but he was still more of my bestfriend, he was inexperienced with relationships, but i could see his effort, he didnt have that roughness like tammy, but he was great actually. we became 1, knowin what the other was thinking, we could speak and think for each other, but i knew that whatever we had wpould be temporal because i couldnt see marriage with him, besides, his mother would not let her son marry a yoruba girl. he didnt ever bring that up with me, but his friends has slipped a couple of times, and i was no fool.
he moved to the uk.and once again i was in a long distance relationship, of course we tried, but he became withdrawn and distant, and i was not going to make any efforts to revive him. so we decided our friendship was more important than a romantic relationship and we remain friends till today.

i came back to lagos, and met up with tammy. he hadnt seen anyone since we seperated and he had heard about manny and was angry, he wanted nothing to do with me and i was miserable, seeing him i knew that i still wanted to be tammy's girl. one night i determined in ma heart that even if he insulted me to nothing, i would talk to him, and make him feel what i knew was still there. so i did, and we talked, and i knew he was hurt,

we picked up where we left off, and it was great, he was in abuja and i was between countries, i got so absorbed in all my work and assignments, i knew i had neglected him, and he felt neglected, i kept apologising and he was patient. i recall one time i was away and he came to lagos, he demanded that i returned to lagos and that he didnt care where i was, but that before he returned, he had to see me. at this time, i had become more or less an independent woman, and he, a friend that i cherished, i tried to explain that there was no way i could get to lagos since i was out of the country. he said he's extend his stay by five days, and i should do whatever i needed, but he must see me. in my anger i returned, and i saw him, twice, but i told him that it couldnt go on like that anymore, i was creating a path for myself, and he was already on his way, that i had to find mine. he let me know that his feelings would never change, and that even if i came ten years from then, he'd still want me, we remain friends till today, infact just spoke to him this morning, he called to ask what i was sending him for valentines

now to my dilemma

After Tammy and i ended US( and i know it's for good now), i spent more time building my career. On a course i went for, i met PJ. we were similar in many ways, except that he was rather laid-back and kind of lazy. but apart from that we became close, like best buddies, at first we told everyone we were related. i started to have feelings for him, but because of our friendship and my uncertainty as to his feelings, i did nothinga about it. other course mates teased us sometimes about loooking like a couple, but we ignored them (although in my mind i was hoping). Anyways, since he did not indicate anything, i decided not to act on my feelings,

Because i am not seeing anyone, my friends have taken if upon themselves to hook me up, so they gave my number to some guy. he is nice, very very cute, but i'm not exactly feeling him. we're rather different, but he really wants to try, and me, i don't

Yea, and then there's this guy that i grew up with, we had our schooling apart but still our families have remained in touch. i can see the hand of the two families in our union, and frankly speaking i am not pleased, for me that shouldnot be our binding force. he's aite, but we're not exactly a match. so far i have refused to go on a date with him so as not to imply that i may be considering us,

Finally there's olu, he went to school with my older sister and i have always seen him as this seniot that can punish me anytime. he's been trying to remove that image from my head, but it's ridiculous that sometimes i find myself callin him senior. but i kind of like him, he makes me laugh and i'm really comfortable around him. He's asked if we could be more than friends, and understands my passion for my career. he remembers things about me from school that even i don't remember, and he's harworking and intelligent, he's really it. plus he's called to say he's on his way to my office with a surprise (vals day oo)

Now the thing is, i'm not sure that i'm without feelings for PJ, most importantly i'm not sure if i'm using olu to get over what i may/may not have for PJ, i just want to get a good guy, and they both are. Oh and JP has admitted to feelings for me, which only came out after i told him about Olu(although i still Havent told JP that i may like him back)

Please what do i do? do i forget about what could be with PJ and try it out with Olu

wow, wow, wow

@ poster,

your story sounds interesting, i will be through reading it by tomorrow.

Now that's one interesting story u got there.
i suggest u take ur time before making that decision.
Why not try keeping them both as your friends, whilst asking them personal things bout themselves so as to know them more better and findin out if u have a lot in common. Its not just bout knowing a guy for , donkey years or his been so nice and cool. Before you finally make ur choice "imagine yourself married to the person", if u find it hard to ccreate that picture then he aint the one foru girlfriend. Whoever loves u more wouldnt find it difficult being ur friend for some time.
All the best anyway

ha ha!. . . lets make a movie with this. .

Please what do i do? do i forget about what could be with PJ and try it out with Olu

Yes. The above is your innermost desire speaking . . . .

Could someone please do me a summary? ? ?

I would love to read it but its tooooo long      

na  wa ooo.
this is super story

NaJa HaJe:

Could someone please do me a summary? ? ?

I would love to read it but its tooooo long

am with u on that.

Now that's one interesting story u got there.
i suggest u take your time before making that decision.
Why not try keeping them both as your friends, whilst asking them personal things bout themselves so as to know them more better and findin out if u have a lot in common. Its not just bout knowing a guy for , donkey years or his been so nice and cool. Before you finally make your choice "imagine yourself married to the person", if u find it hard to ccreate that picture then he aint the one foru girlfriend.  Whoever loves u more wouldnt find it difficult being your friend for some time.
All the best anyway

Reading your post is so touching honey.

But i think r[b]azorjnr [/b] has said it all dear, with all what u've gone thru, please dnt rush into another one. just take it easy am sure u'll know the rite person, May God be with ya

What career are u pursuing? Seems u are a hot cake; I might be interested too  

am acquiring the printing rights of this story,

its gonna be a hot cake!!!,
wonder what name i wud give to the novel

maybe
^{dilemma of a nigerian gal}?

What a story! But pls next time try and summarize whatever you have to say.

Its too lengthty. I admire your writing skills though.

Your story is somewhat inter-twined. Couldnt really figure out what to make out of it.

Too long!

am sorry if my story is too long, but i want people to understand why dis is so hard for me to decide.
I studied Electrical-computing engineering. now my focus is on non-profit organisations and working with youths. presently i'm working in an NGO, whilst following a classical music dream, so you see, i have my hands full.

wow! pele ehn! omo daadaa. i feel you sha but

leave it to GOD dearie. but please what i'll advise you is do not under any circumstances bury yourself in your work. it won't make it any better. i speak from experience.

e go better.

eyebeekay:

am sorry if my story is too long, but i want people to understand why this is so hard for me to decide.
I studied Electrical-computing engineering. now my focus is on non-profit organisations and working with youths. presently i'm working in an NGO, whilst following a classical music dream, so you see, i have my hands full.

Nice; that's pretty neat. I'd love to know how u are making out with the NGO bizness. I might be willing to give a helping hand.; I'm an EE.

With regards your love story, I don tell u. Leave all of them and come to the love doctor.

On a more serious note sha, nobody can tell u (not) to go for Olu or PJ or Tammy or even the love Doctor (altho love is guaranteed with the LD  ). Only u know how u feel. Right now, u are trying to feel your "reasonable" long term potentials, which is perfectly normal. The only sure decision is that the first dude is def out of the picture. There's really no need to rush anything altho I must say u definitely missed the boat on the Tammy dude. I doubt if u go back to him things will ever be the same (cud be much worse or way better than both of u anticipated, my guess is the former) regardless of what he says to u. See that r/s as an experience and move on. One thing u gotta realise is no matter how nerdy, bad or good someone is, if both of u are determined to make a relationship work, distance will never be a factor. You can always grow to like/love anybody (that's how u and Tammy started out) if u guys iron out your goals.

Lastly, with regards to career, my sincere advice for u is that, no carry career for head. Do what is necessary and a little bit more to make your career move but it's a very bad idea to sacrifice your relationships for your career. At the end of the day, your relationship/partner is what completes u; we are all humans. You only feel accomplished with a good career. So use good judgement. Bottomline, take your time, use your head and with time, things will fall in place.  My 1-naira.

Too much story for a topic on nairaland is an eyesore to read at times for me

wow!!! ehrrrrrm. . .wow!! nice story, plz send me the book when you publish it

I actually read all your entries and it makes sense. I think we all have a lot of options or men to choose from. At least, I can speak for myself and it seems we both have that in common. Now, how do you make the right choice? How do you choose A over B, and not regret your choice? Here is what I do, I have a list of ten things I look for in a man, that I will eventually get married to. I suggest you do that. It is a lot easier to compare apples to apples, than apples to oranges.

Be friends with all of them. Get to know them and evaluate them. I strongly believe, it is not a difficult thing to do. Maybe, I am weird, but that's another story. You, my dear, know exactly what you want in life. Be grateful you have options and more than one man to choose from. Some girls don't even have one to look their way.

You'll do just fine, chica. Nothing do you. Live and enjoy.

I think amost everyone or rather almost all women have a list of the things they want in their guy, although our standards tend to change with time. Yes i do have the things i look for, but we cant always get what we want can we.
I really appreciate your comments though, and i wish all of it could be that easy, but what i failed to mention is the pressure coming from home, especially when theyre playing matchmaker

Some pple can never stop to be the critics they are.without the lenghty story we can never understand where she is coming from,its good to be detailed if u ask me.u hv no time to read,go and come back later on it.
Anyway good post my sis,i really took out time to comprehend everybit,i must say i feel u and admire ur courage with Manny,d courage most of us wld hv lacked.Straight to my own point,u story with that of tammy seems more like it, both of u kwn what u want but the distance seems to be the possesing barrier,The challenges u have at hand now is choosing from lots,it gets  preety tough when in a situation like this,but i will advice u take ur time,do not be in a hurry to make ur decision,pray and ask God to give u d wisdom,he answereth prayers and will never giv u what u do not deserve.take time to study them and be able to read them xcter wise.

In all, do not ignore the last post of Deltaoo7a wise one he made there about pursing career and overlooking some stuffs that also matter behind. I pray God give u ur soulmate.Goodluck gal.

I didn't know u felt this way about me Ibukun, and who the hell is PJ?

lol, nice one

@

@

No, Ibk, some standards don’t change. Take for example, I will never ever stay married to a M.uslim. That is a standard that can never change. Those are the kind of things I mean. I believe we get what we want in life and I do not ever compromise.

Now with all that said, this is my classic reply to those pressuring me. “I am happy, very happy being single, and until I find that man that will make me happier, then I am satisfied with being single”. See, after I tell them that, they never disturb me anymore. No parents or good friends want you to be unhappy. Maybe, I am wired wrong, who knows, but being single is not a problem to/for me. It’s not like I am young, I will be 27 in a month.

Just take your time in deciding whom to be with. Better to marry late right, than marry early wrong. You’ll wish a million times that you did not just pick any one and run with him.

All the best.

eyebeekay,

To say I love yr post and whatever u ve passed thru is an understatement. I read it all and I follow u wt all  my heart. First and foremost, I sympathise wt u, these are what men and women pass thru in there love life.

Do not be deceived, no one, not even yr Pastor shd tell you what or who u shd choose among PJ, Olu, Tammy or whoever.

I wl also like to know how deep u are in the Lord. am not trying to preach to you. what has happened to you is just normal. Its part of experience. so dont feel somehow.

My candid advice to you is that keep all of them as friends. Let God be the One to put you through in all these.

Thanks and best of Luck!!!

'MuyiOye

i'm sorry i've been away for a while (but i'm happy to say it wasnt related to work), my older sister just had a baby, and you can imagine the atmosphere when a child is born. as for my age, i turn 26 this december. i really do appreciate all the comments, and i think i'll just keep them as friends for now(hard as that would be, seeing theyre not exactly open to the idea), so i'll try the friendship thing for a while, then i can better decide who is most worthy.