Hello all,

This is as much a therapy for me as much as a thread for everyone who’s currently experiencing the pain of a failed relationship, to pour out his/her heart, and hopefully drop and pick up tips to pick their pieces together and move on with life.

I am pained, confused, depressed …

Anticipated FAQS:
What happened?[/i]She walked away.

[i]Who’s fault?
80% hers, 20 mine (Babes believe me. My 20% was that, I saw all the signs but refused to believe it was going to happen – I thought we had something really beautiful. She said so all the time).

I’d have volunteered more but the pain is seeping in as I write. Besides, I guess I still have a lot of sentiments attached to what we shared to make it all public here.

A friend suggested I write about it, keep a diary, journal – anything, that will open a catharsis channel for me. So I decided to do this in the hope that I may also get others to share their experiences and tips to help me (and some of us) overcome the pain.

On my part, I’m going to be on the look out for valuable resources that will help me (and us) in the healing process and I hope to share it with us all. If you have too, please post.

And lets not talk about making up here please, just how to deal with a raw, bleeding, broken heart.

Summary, please I want to read anything useful that can help me deal with my heartache.

Thanks.

first important step you should take in healing your heart is keeping your mind busy on other things apart from your ex. Try and make sure you don't grow gray hair worrying cause it wont add anything to your life. If you claim you did u part, time will heal your heart and you will find someone better. can really say i've been in any mess like this, but i know people who have, and i prayed to God never to allow me experience what they went through. It might be hard for the first few days or weeks but you'll be fine in time. guess u feel proud that she has lost something good.

heal a heart

How much i feel it when i read thread like this. I have been through it and dats why i would want to contribute in my few words.
It is tough and i can feel u and what u are going tru wit now.Time heals all wound they say,it might sound awkward now but blive u me.It hurts when someone u love dont really love u nor give back they way u do expect it.My adivce is,make her understand how u feel about the whole issue,she might reconsider and change to a better person and where she fails to.i advice u move on with life,u hv values and attributes that will make someone else appreciate u with time,sometimes if a door doesnt close ,another wil never open for good,and sometimes we are often too impatient to wait for the new door. Be strong for urself cus life doesnt end there.Someday u wil look back to the challenges and will be glad for a better and stronger person it has made u be.
I was there,it was tough but am strong today and have learnt.so take heart  and be strong to put everything behind.cheers

I have trying the ‘keep yourself busy’ thing but it doesn’t really seem to be working right now as my thoughts just won’t shift from her.

A friend suggested I remember the good times and write about them – that it will help me remember something positive about it all, and also get them off my mind cos its remembering the good times that hurts.

There were so many good times. Here is one:
There was this time we just decided to take a short holiday. I’d been away for a month on some business. So on my return we went to my village (she was the first girl I ever took there). We had this compound nobody stays in so it was two of us alone. Impulsively we both decided to switch off our phones, being such busy people. (We succeeded for only 2 out of the 4 days we spent). In the evenings we’d take a bike to the seaside (I am from the Niger delta) and eat locally prepared fresh fish. This event is particularly remarkable cos in the 4 nights we spent, if lovemaking is sex, surprisingly to both of us, we did that only once; but If like I learnt from that 4 day we spent, that there is a unique intimacy that develops from talking, communicating with each other far into the night, sometimes till early in morning, then I’d say we had the most intimate intercourse couple can ever have - Shared things we’d never ever tell best same sex friends. We laughed, cried ,  at our stories. And later when we were leaving we promised ourselves we’ll make it an annual ritual. That was October 2006. We couldn’t go last year cos I was trying to establish a startup, so we’d planned doing it this year April when I’d have less stress. So much for planning.

I’ll stop here. Think I feel a little better, actually smiling at the memories as I type.

@ baby4u
Thanks for ur post. Going through d posts sort of helps. I know it that she may have lost something good, but believe me, I’d prefer she never did. Besides it makes me feel like shit, a lot of folks were really into us – older people, neighbours, colleagues, church members. That’s the ones that kills me most. Walking alone were we used to go together.

@creamdream
Tried the link but it wont open. Thanks all the same.

@kalmebad
Thanks for all those kind suggestions. I am doing my best with time. I‘ll put ur advice to work. Also saw ur post on knowing d heart of genuine men. Don’t really think it’s ok for me to put a post there in the mood am in now. But there are nice guys out there, believe me. Wish you d best.

@ all, I’m trying to write a poem on time and pain. I’ll post it when am thru. thanks

Get a make over.

i have not been there so i dont know what you guys are talking of but whatever it is, try to get over it fast .sorry and take heart.there are brighter and better dayz ahead.

i dont believe remembering all the positive times will help you forget her. you are trying to move on arent you? or are you? how is remembering her now helping? you are even helping yourself to remember her. tell us what you really want. an advice on how to get back with her or move on?

I don't know how you can see all the signs and still experience a "heartbreak".

Well not experiencing such at the moment--so just get a job and try to keep busy. Also have you lots of fun while you are recuperating.

Chicken soup usually helps a heard.

Goodluck!

@baby4u2
U make sense by asking that I stop remembering her. Truth is that writing that out really made my heart lighter cos its like holding back to some treasure, and then in letting it out, it loses its treasure appeal. Maybe my way of dealing with it may include some different approaches but honestly, I felt a great deal better talking about that hol. I don’t want to get her back, so please continue helping me get over it. If it will make u post more, please I am really trying hard not to remember. Thanks a million. Just finding a new post to read is working a little miracle, sort of makes you feel and draw from the strength of all u caring people.

@almondjoy
Thank God you’re not going thru such. “seeing the signs’’ was like noticing some changes, and just keep being optimistic that it’s a phase that was gonna pass, or like, ‘hey, seems I should put in more effort, more loving … “ that kind of thing. Thanks for ur post.

I feel u guy.
From your posts, i noticed something, u really want to move on and forget about her and i think your approach so far is great !
It has happened to me before ( 7 years ago) i thought i would die ! but i didnt cuz i worked on myself and talked to myself.
Some of the the things you can try are ;

Load your heart with other positive things
Free your mind after thorough thoughts about her
concentrate on moving on.
Make other friends but dont rush into another relationship.
relax and enjoy yourself.

The truth is, forgetting about her CANT be sudden ! its a gradual things and infact, memories of her would come to fore once in a while but believe me, u'll get over "it" before u know it.

I wish u all the best
be strong bro
cheers

_{why is there so much pain and sadness on NLand 2day??}

Surefire heartbreak get-over move . . . . . .

Find her flaw . . .!!! Evrybody has a flaw. remember any/all/as much as you can and concentrate on them . . . . .FOCUS . . . .write them down . .  . . .memories it anyhow.

Thinkin abt the good times will only make you Heamorage pain alot. Trust me . . . . .I know where you're coming from . .  . . . Its a very had pill to swallow but believe me . . . .THERE's LIFE AFTER EVERY HEART BREAK.

YOU NEED TO DUST YOURSELF UP AND MOVE ON.^{you're doing more harm than good holding on to what you had}

4 all you know, she might just be engaged on a steaming sexual episode with another guy while you were writing all the. . . .we went to my village . . .ate fish . . , blah blah blah

WAKE UP_{she's with another nigg}

@mickplus
Thanks a load bro. Believe me I think this approach is the nearest best thing I’d ever had to deal with it.
Nah! Rushing in2 a relationship is the last thing on my mind now. Lucky I’got one helluva work to do trying to estab a new biz. Thanks bro, thanks a lot.

@nautillus
U really give it straight. The ",  ate fish ,  blah, blah, blah." stuff got me laughing at myself.
I’m not a wimp. I think I can safely assume that I have quite some mental strength. One thing I know is that it will pass but then it hurts a lot while it is lasting, and all I’m doing is just trying to get over it as fast as I can. And dwelling on her flaws isn’t just in my style. Thanks all the same bro. Reading ur post helped a lot.

@ All
Thanks a million. U guys are really helping a lot. Just seeing a new post, takes an edge off the pain. One line, one word, one letter … it’s all doing me a world of good. Thanks all.

Am here one more time
A kind advice from Mickplus and Nautillus,infact they have said it all and the early u heed to their advice and that of other pple the betta for u.Going back memory lane is not going to help u out,there are always lots of sweet memories to remember,but ask urself "Is she remembering them as well?cus if she does,she will probably feel what u feeling and wld have had a re-think.if i could ever get over mine,i bet u will too someday,and eventually when u do,u wont blive u made it,if i told u my own side of story,u mit be suprise u aint passing 1/3 of what i went tru and like i said and will always say life goes on. Get busy with things,hang out with friends more often if u can,read something,watch Tele,infact anything that will occupy ur mind,guy i bet u,it will soon be a history eventhough the good memories will last 4eva,no doubt.

Hmmmmmmmm and for those who havent been there,i admire u courage or ability for making it this far without the ugly history.
Almondjoy,  smtimes its hard to read the writing,and smtimes even when we do, we assume it will get better, we hope that more effort will make it work,u only learn after a hard experience mostimes

@poster

He who wears d shoe knows where it pinches,

I've dated a girl for 7 yrs and when its time to get married our village pple came up with an issue dat we were related & therefore cannot marry! after 7yrs!! to say d least i was devasted.

So coming to ur case its not easy to take ur mind off it, if u like read all d books,watch all d movies,hang out with friends d moment u re on ur own u'll start to worry.

But remember we have a God dat is so sufficient in grace & heals no matter d wound, all u need to do is go down on ur knees and pray for peace in ur life & u'll be marvelled @ d transformation dat will come into ur life.

Forgeting her is not the anwser, allow yourself to greive, its human nature, getting busy or finding her flaw will help you for a while but to heal completely, you have to give yourself time to grieve. Cry if you want to , feel bad, its allowed, after some days of feeling bad and griving it will get better and you will be stronger.
Its human nature to miss someone you love so much, what i dont get is when people try to cover up their feelings, let it go, You have ahd so many wonderful years together, if you cover your emotions with work, what will happen when you are not working, will you start drinking?
I feel you, I just came out of the grieving period, i allowed myself a whole week of crying and self pity, its not a sign of weakness, its a sign of strenght to love someone so much and admit that you miss them so much.
People who hurt the most are people who feel to proud to admit they are hurt

Hi guys,
Thanks for all ur posts (I‘ll call them balm).

@kalmebad
Thanks Sis. Talking about seeing the writing makes me know u’ve really been there. Thanks for the advice. I am trying my best.

@masam
The spiritual growth is something I am really left with right now. Just read an article on why God allows us go through some pains. Praying I will see the lessons in it all. Thanks.

@aisha
Ur post really made me feel normal again. A friend (not nairalanders) came around and just made me feel sooooo abnormal for feeling the way I do. I cant help feeling it, but I want to get over it, and that’s why I made the effort to post it here in the first place (and it’s working). Thanks sis.

@Chychy
Thank you for reminding me of that. I am all trying to take it in stride. I am an optimist. Just that this got me bad, maybe cos it happened in the midst of some serious challenges from other areas that I was counting on her support to face them.

U guys are really wonderful.
I am really picking up faster than I thought I will thanks to this thread and all ur wonderful contributions.
Decided to make myself feel good today, so I’d gone out, bought myself some stuff – an orange T shirt (u wouldn’t have caught me dead in on b4), and a watch (to remind myself that I should move on). A friend suggested I follow him to a unisex salon he patronizes and give myself a body treat (massage, pedicure, like stuff), and I’m really considering that this weekend.

I also finished the poem (and  aside the melancholy, I think I feel good reading it and knowing I could do something good like that (my opinion). Here is it:


[center]The glow has dimmed
On the pyre of my passion
Watching the flames recede
To embers of forlorn desires
Threatening tomorrow
For yesterday’s misdeeds
In the virginal sunset
Of a harlot’s evening

I sit my sorrow
On a window sill
Staring hard at grief
Painted in dark colours

Fight weeping;
True tears of memories misery
And the stretched agony
Of mental pains

But time’s bandage unwound
Fresh scars of memories
In this ritual of remembrance
Silently and slowly
Etching, penning pain.     [/center]
I am yet to find a title, suggestions are welcome.

Thanks all and please (even if it’s just 4 a little while more) every time I read one additional line here, it really helps.

hey pal,
I am so happy u are feeling much better ! thats the idea bro.
I noticed u also have all the energies and powers to totally move please, explore it to the fullest !
The Lord is your strenght.
Best of luck
Cheers

Damn bro, I feel you. Things can only get better from now on. God is your strenght, just take your time, the sun will soon come up.
Your peopm brought tears to my eyes

Hi guys, if I am doing well, u deserve all the kudos.

@aisha2 and Chychy
“That’s d spirit bro … “
“Damn bro …”
Those energetic openers were really invigorating. Thanks a million.

Aisha2, “memories” is really cool, but please let’s see what some1 else may come up with. Three posts more, and no suggestions, then “memories” it will be.

@mickplus
Urs was the first I read this morning b4 leaving the house. The camaraderie is infectious. Thanks bro.

I am doing another poem (I fancy myself a circumstantial poet cos only some turn in circumstances compel me to write). Also toying with the idea of a fictional diary of this whole em,  em ,  shit (Yes shit! Please excuse my language) from the day it all started and how I passed through and got over it. Think it’s a good idea? Just that writing, either from pain or otherwise sort of purges my emotions and leaves me better afterwards.

I can’t thank u guys enough. Bless you all.

seemenow, pick urself up by the bootstraps and move on. Remembering all these mushy stories and writing poems wont help you.
The chic apparently didnt value all that and is probably in the arms of another right now, telling him how foolish u were.

Time heals all wounds but how long depends on you.

seemenow, ur positive attitude to the whole thing is great ! One thing is certain, u have a great life ahead whether relationship wise, career, academics, social e.t.c. Be on top bro. Cheers

Aisha2, dont be crying, okay ! U'll bring tears to my eyes to if u keep crying !

chychy, "memories" sounds great. ANd the title of the poem is, MEMORIES !!! Right??

@4Him, if he wants to express himself by writting a peom then let him do it. He knows how he feels he knows what gives him relief. All this Macho, macho get over it wont help, it will simply make one transfer the feelings and put it on the next girl. People should be in touch with how they really feel

Aisha, I feel u. I would like to know u better. U are very matured!!!!!!!! and u blow my mind.

Hi Guys,

Thank u all 4 ur wonderful support.

Even though to be candid, sometimes u see how some people talk9or is it write or type), and you wnder if they have ever had the privilege of being in love. Anyway, I guess it comes with the turf – public forum, and I guess I am much better than worse off for the help this thread has been to me.

Talking about love, no matter the pain I am going through now (believe me, quite a lot), I’d give anything to be in love again (not necessarily with the same person). Cos I know what it means to be loved, and I know my heart is capable of receiving and returning love. And I know it will come my way again when I am ready. It is beautiful, probably the most beautiful thing in the world.

@mickplus
Thanks bro for the compliments and support. Maybe as I feel bolder and stronger, I may contact you on your email to send you a personal thank you note for all the wonderful words. U r really great.

@aisha
Hmm! How do I complement a woman again without … Sis u’ve done me a great favor with your timely and kind words. Wish ur email was in ur profile, in which case, I’d owe u what I owe mickplus.

@chychy
And the title is …, MEMORIES! Thanks a lot.

Feeling a little down. I’ll see u folks. Luv!

Best post I've ever encountered on NAIRALAND; seemenow I'm so impressed and extremely delighted at the rate at which you're recovering, my heart bleeds when i stumble upon cases like yours but I'm glad God is in control. Your happiness will be restored fully in no time. Try visit the link below and listen to the song, i'm sure it'll relieve you;
http://youtube.com/watch?v=-ZAOP5wGFnY

mickplus, aisha, chychy; your opinions on this particular case goes a long way to heal any broken hearted human, except if they don't have blood flowing in their system. So happy we've got sense of reasoning like yours on NAIRALAND for people to tap and explore. Keep it up.

4Him:

seemenow, pick yourself up by the bootstraps and move on. Remembering all these mushy stories and writing poems wont help you.
The chic apparently didnt value all that and is probably in the arms of another right now, telling him how foolish u were.

Time heals all wounds but how long depends on you.

. . . . . . . .you are ma kind of man!  Just pick up the pieces and move on.  Life is too short to sit around and gloat over someone who does not care whether you are alive or dead.  Oh, heavens forbid.  I really got much better things to do!

Healing comes from within and it starts with the inner committment to do so. . . . the rest--from God.

Sorry mans. She's moved on. I think you should do the same. Get closer to your friends and or siblings, they help alot, especially if you have good understanding, people who'll make you laugh, y'know, keep you in high spirits, so when inevitably she does pop up in your head, you can remember it all with a smile. Sure ain't easy, especially since you obviously still like her alot, but it's not impossible. And your poem, tite man! Wish i'd seen this topic earlier. Think you should name it 'scars'.

@poster
Speed ur recovery by listening to music. Experienced a heartbreak too, just because 'I still haven't found what I was looking for'. Have you heard the following: Time to Grow, Love me or Leave me by Lemar and Lesson learnt, The thing about Love by Alicia Keys (As I Am album)

''Our real problem, then, is not our strength today; it is rather the vital necessity of action today to ensure our strength tommorow.''- Dwight D. Eisenhower

guess all have been said. . . . its up to you man. . .