femishosho@gmai:
To have a married mans baby?
tried to end the affair , i told him we were officially over and was successful until he came around my home and harassed me for sex saying he loves me and wants to commit to three days a week at mine and the rest with his family at home (as he works night shifts). So I eventually gave in because I am weak with him and he wont stop until he gets what he wants. Over the 4 years of our sexual relationship we never used condoms because he never liked to wear them even when i ask him to , and in the beggining when i used to make him he even use to pretend they ripped just so he could satisfy himself . sometimes we would use withdrawal method and most of the time i would have to go to my doctor to get emergency contraception (the morning after pill) which is not good to be taking on a regular basis and my doctor always lectures me about it.

the last time we had sex i specifically told him not to ejaculate inside , as i don't want to take anymore contraception but he still went ahead and did it . i never had time to go to the clinic that week as i was working and he never offered to go get one for me which made me very angry.

surprise .. im pregnant . he keeps ringing me wanting to come around and knocking at my my door but i haven't been home I have stayed at my friends over the christmas period. at the moment i really hate him and i can see all the selfish things he has done . I know for a fact if i tell him he will be angry and tell me to get rid off it , my instincts are telling me even though he says he loves me and wants to move in he will completely cut me off and wont want anything to do with the child . he's already got 3 kids anyways.
so even if i tell him i have a strong feeling he will make me get rid of it . I've never really been mad at him like this before over anything , i never asked him for commitment it was him who asked if he could stay over at my house . i do love him but its like i can see his bad points now .

so ultimately this should be my decision to decide what i want to do. why should i have to feel bad ?

this is not a one night stand this is a four year relationship/ affair . i don't really care what he thinks if i decide to tell him then thats something hell have to deal with fed up of having to take responsibility all the time for what he does ,i will not expect him to be apart , i wont ask for money from him or support and wont tell anyone its his so i wont ruin his family . why should i make my decision based on him and what will be suitable and conducive to his life.

@Poster, first question, are you an imbe_cile? You are telling us this story here so I hope you are not here expecting us not question your sanity here. I mean what is this?

tpia@:
So people now want to fixate on cuban jamaican because a rich kid said she was cuban jamaican.

Nl i hail o.

where the hell did you get this from lol

ok i think it is safe to say the original post has died and we are discussing a new topic.

cross dressers, actors, script writers, criticising my parents , oh and I'm apparently rich wow thanks id like to know when that happened .

is funny how the whole dynamic of the post has changed. is interesting.

am not pretending to being anything im not and I'm not looking for nice comments its just weird why people talk like this. anyways its seems you don't have the time to write something constructive but you do have the time , to accuse the post of being a lie which is odd because if you think thats true then why are you wasting your time .

Kobojunkie:


@Poster, first question, are you an imbe_cile? You are telling us this story here so I hope you are not here expecting us not question your sanity here. I mean what is this?

its my life and im sure the situation must be quite foreign to you but i am quite sure i am not the first person to be in it, just people dont speak out

Lassie, let's got some things straight!

femishosho@gmai:


so you come only nairaland to analyse people threads for errors

On the contrary, if I see a genuine post from a poster seeking real help, and not some pre-conceived Hollywood clap-trap, I'll drop my 2 cents worth of advice, if I've got any to give.

Now, in your case...if you choose to come online to a public forum such as Nairaland, to air your troubles, you should accept whatever comes your way, whether good or bad! If I see a thread I choose to comment on, there's nothing you or anyone else for that matter can do about it...and that's exactly what I'm doing here girlie.

femishosho@gmai:
and my original post was about asking for advise not criticise what my parents may or may not advice me todo .

Really? Kindly point out precisely where I critized what your parents may or may not advise you to do.

You seem to forget that YOU were the one reluctant to approach them as your first port of call because they'd only tell you what you want to hear in an attempt to provide you with compassion and comfort. Your words, girlie, not mine!

femishosho@gmai:
i created the thread so is should be no suprise that i am vewing it.

True. But then again, you "threatened" to log out and leave, seeing as you weren't getting the much sought after tailored response you wanted! Or am I wrong??

femishosho@gmai:


its my life and im sure the situation must be quite foreign to you but i am quite sure i am not the first person to be in it, just people dont speak out

Sure, you are not the first, and so the answers to this are therefore not new. I wonder why you are asking again. There are really no ways to avoid the consequences of your action here. Your choices are limited here . . .

a) Have your baby and work to take care of it alone

b) Have the baby and drag the marriage of another woman into it

c) Abort the baby and live with that scar for your life

d) Continue to play "husband and wife" with another woman's husband for longer and live with that all your days

I mean what do you want us to tell you here? The problem is you are already pregnant and automatically, people want to try for the innocent soul that has been dragged into this game of yours. Hopefully, I really wish you would take time to read your own post so you understand the foolish mistakes you have made in this and hopefully so you can STOP making them from now onwards. Life is about the choices we make . . . and yes, life throws hardship at us from time to time . . . that is hard enough but the worst are from the screwed up choices we make of our own selves.

Okay, do you want to have the baby? Answer that first.
Tell him, you both made a baby and whatever you decide he should at least be informed. Being in London you caan get child support.

Aalso inform your family, You will need all the support you can get, you may be unable to work for some months and so you need all the support you can get.
Being a single mother is hard, especially as young as you are but its possible.

I reallly do wish you stregth this is not going to be easy.

Op

Reread my post and tell me where i said you are rich.

Just post a picture of yourself eating a mountain of eba and leave this boring story already.

Kobojunkie:

Sure, you are not the first, and so the answers to this are therefore not new. I wonder why you are asking again. There are really no ways to avoid the consequences of your action here. Your choices are limited here . . .

a) Have your baby and work to take care of it alone

b) Have the baby and drag the marriage of another woman into it

c) Abort the baby and live with that scar for your life

d) Continue to play "husband and wife" with another woman's husband for longer and live with that all your days

I mean what do you want us to tell you here?

e) Have the baby and give it up for adoption.

debrief08: Okay, do you want to have the baby? Answer that first.
Tell him, you both made a baby and whatever you decide he should at least be informed. Being in London you caan get child support.

Aalso inform your family, You will need all the support you can get, you may be unable to work for some months and so you need all the support you can get.
Being a single mother is hard, especially as young as you are but its possible.

I reallly do wish you stregth this is not going to be easy.

The confused soul doesn't know what she wants, so how d'you expect her to answer that question??

Efemena_xy: Lassie, let's got some things straight!



On the contrary, if I see a genuine post from a poster seeking real help, and not some pre-conceived Hollywood clap-trap, I'll drop my 2 cents worth of advice, if I've got any to give.

Now, in your case...if you choose to come online to a public forum such as Nairaland, to air your troubles, you should accept whatever comes your way, whether good or bad! If I see a thread I choose to comment on, there's nothing you or anyone else for that matter can do about it...and that's exactly what I'm doing here girlie.



Really? Kindly point out precisely where I critized what your parents may or may not advise you to do.


You seem to forget that YOU were the one reluctant to approach them as your first port of call because they'd only tell you what you want to hear in an attempt to provide you with compassion and comfort. Your words, girlie, not mine!



True. But then again, you "threatened" to log out and leave, seeing as you weren't getting the much sought after tailored response you wanted! Or am I wrong??

that made me laugh i 'threatened' to log out how can i threaten to log out lol

i said i was going to log out and i did not , what is the big deal about that what does that prove by u pointing that out ? im a lair ? or changed my mind?
is seems like you wont stop till you prove you right ... but right about what exactly ?

that you more intelligent than me? maybe
that I'm insane? ( fact if you are clinically insane you can not ask yourself if you are insane ) and i did so fewww I'm not insane thats a relief

so what are you trying to prove? if you would like me to admit im a rich kid / middle aged cross gender man script writing hollywood clap trap then i can do that if you would like lol very unlikely but possible i suppose ..maybe not


i dont want a tailored response . JUST A RELEVANT ONE ..

do you think i expected to be viewing nice comments no .

even expected ones saying im a bitch immoral nasty adulterer will rott in hell ..

not nice but RELEVANT yours are not

so pointless

Efemena_xy:

e) Have the baby and give it up for adoption.

The confused soul doesn't know what she wants, so how d'you expect her to answer that question??

Well, that option was covered in the ABORTION option. I mean when you have a baby and give it up, you might as well have chosen abortion, in my opinion. Cause you still deny that child the right to his/her mother and the life that would have been.

femishosho@gmai:

i dont want a tailored response . JUST A RELEVANT ONE ..
do you think i expected to be viewing nice comments no .
even expected ones saying im a bitch immoral nasty adulterer will rott in hell ..
not nice but RELEVANT your are not

Well, as for you being an immoral nasty adulterer, there is no question of that though. I mean what you are doing is adulterous and if you lived in saudi arabia for instance would earn you death by stoning . . . no doubt. But I think you should instead focus on your part in this mess of yours. You are not a victim . . . the victim here is that unborn baby.

femishosho@gmai:





i dont want a tailored response . JUST A RELEVANT ONE ..

do you think i expected to be viewing nice comments no .

even expected ones saying im a bitch immoral nasty adulterer will rott in hell ..

not nice but RELEVANT your are not

Well, if you're looking for insults, then you've definitely come to the wrong forum girl.

We Nigerians are a very, very polite bunch of people that'll never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Now answer the question asked of you earlier:

WHAT
DO
YOU
WANT??

Methinks your ying is not in alignment with your yang. That explains your perpetual confused state of mind...

What you need to do is mediate on the philosophies of life...a good way to get your karma rolling...

Kobojunkie:

Well, that option was covered in the ABORTION option. I mean when you have a baby and give it up, you might as well have chosen abortion, in my opinion. Cause you still deny that child the right to his/her mother and the life that would have been.

Which may even be a much better option for the child in question.

You and I know that in an ideal situation, a child brought up by a mature couple in a loving home, is a whole lot better off, than being brought up by a frustrated, bitter, single mum on the dough...

Kobojunkie:

Well, as for you being an immoral nasty adulterer, there is no question of that though. I mean what you are doing is adulterous and if you lived in saudi arabia for instance would earn you death by stoning . . . no doubt. But I think you should instead focus on your part in this mess of yours. You are not a victim . . . the victim here is that unborn baby.

well at least were not talking about "hollywood clap trap" now

and i never claimed to be a victim

Kobojunkie:

Well, that option was covered in the ABORTION option. I mean when you have a baby and give it up, you might as well have chosen abortion, in my opinion. Cause you still deny that child the right to his/her mother and the life that would have been.

Efemena_xy:

Which may even be a much better option for the child in question.

You and I know that in an ideal situation, a child brought up by a mature couple in a loving home, is a whole lot better off, than being brought up by a frustrated, bitter, single mum on the dough...

Word!

Efemena_xy:

Which may even be a much better option for the child in question.

You and I know that in an ideal situation, a child brought up by a mature couple in a loving home, is a whole lot better off, than being brought up by a frustrated, bitter, single mum on the dough...

ABORTION is a very sensitive issue and one of the most argumentative topics in religion science and life , you are entitled to your opinion and i respect that that is your opinion but my question was not whether to keep my unborn child or to have a termination. i can decide that for myself . my question was one of a less crusial matter and was should i tell the child's biological father i am pregnant or later on he has a child.
like i said that your opinion but i think its generally a well know thing not to advise someone on aborting their child . and i wouldn't dream of putting up a post that says should i have and abortion?

is bit sick

i think somebody may have mentioned earlier and question why i am asking on here , and how can i make a decision based on faceless strangers.

I'm not making my decision on what people say and i defiantly did not ask whether i should abort my baby only i can make that decision and if i wanted help on that i would go to my GP to ask for counselling advice which is usually mandatory before a termination procedure in any case .

I'm not going to make a decision on what people say that would be stupid . i was just looking for opinions of that topic alone . but it seems people have branded me insane for asking .

and as for being ' frustrated, bitter, single mum on the dough' life gives us obstacles its how we over come them im not saying it ail be easy but i think the gift of life is worth it and know many women who are baron and would literally kill to have a child. so think i depends on what way you look at it .
so its how you over come the obstacle which i am confident in achieving . my question was to whether i should tell the dad because i don't know how he will overcome the situation and how that may have a negative effect on me because i don't know how he will react.

Efemena_xy:

Which may even be a much better option for the child in question.

You and I know that in an ideal situation, a child brought up by a mature couple in a loving home, is a whole lot better off, than being brought up by a frustrated, bitter, single mum on the dough...

Aren't you now assuming that single parents are frustrated, bitter individuals here? I mean there are so many single parents out there who are raising their kids, and many of those kids will choose to remain with their single frustrated mothers, than find a "mature" couple to live with.

Parents are not meant to be PERFECT beings . . . they are just meant to be beings who are accepting of the consequences of their choices and working at making a better future for the child and ultimately for themselves. I don't think it is right to assume that somehow only a mature couple can do this job . . . many of the role models we have in the world today were raised by a frustrated, bitter single mum/dad out there.

Even though I had a relatively harsh childhood myself, I am who I am today as a result and I don't have regrets of any kind.

femishosho@gmai:
To have a married mans baby?
tried to end the affair , i told him we were officially over and was successful until he came around my home and harassed me for sex saying he loves me and wants to commit to three days a week at mine and the rest with his family at home (as he works night shifts). So I eventually gave in because I am weak with him and he wont stop until he gets what he wants. Over the 4 years of our sexual relationship we never used condoms because he never liked to wear them even when i ask him to , and in the beggining when i used to make him he even use to pretend they ripped just so he could satisfy himself . sometimes we would use withdrawal method and most of the time i would have to go to my doctor to get emergency contraception (the morning after pill) which is not good to be taking on a regular basis and my doctor always lectures me about it.

the last time we had sex i specifically told him not to ejaculate inside , as i don't want to take anymore contraception but he still went ahead and did it . i never had time to go to the clinic that week as i was working and he never offered to go get one for me which made me very angry.

surprise .. im pregnant . he keeps ringing me wanting to come around and knocking at my my door but i haven't been home I have stayed at my friends over the christmas period. at the moment i really hate him and i can see all the selfish things he has done . I know for a fact if i tell him he will be angry and tell me to get rid off it , my instincts are telling me even though he says he loves me and wants to move in he will completely cut me off and wont want anything to do with the child . he's already got 3 kids anyways.
so even if i tell him i have a strong feeling he will make me get rid of it . I've never really been mad at him like this before over anything , i never asked him for commitment it was him who asked if he could stay over at my house . i do love him but its like i can see his bad points now .

so ultimately this should be my decision to decide what i want to do. why should i have to feel bad ?

this is not a one night stand this is a four year relationship/ affair . i don't really care what he thinks if i decide to tell him then thats something hell have to deal with fed up of having to take responsibility all the time for what he does ,i will not expect him to be apart , i wont ask for money from him or support and wont tell anyone its his so i wont ruin his family . why should i make my decision based on him and what will be suitable and conducive to his life.

At first I didn't want to read your post as it seem long to read, going through the comments on here, I first fell sorry for you that why are they lashing out on you this bad, this prompted me to read your post.

Babe seriously, it's you I can put the blame on. You need to learn how to control yourself. You told him you don't want unprotected sex yet you still agreed to him to carry on knowing fully well the results.

Well now you've seen the result now, too late the deed is done. Someone has given you options on how to go about this. Just pick one but all I could advise is whatever you choose please don't choose abortion and don't give your baby up for adoption. It's so wrong in many ways.

Good for you that you live in UK where you might find life abit easier for you. You get benefits, council house to name few....so you still have hope.

Just keep your baby as part of the baby is you anyway. Grow to love the baby as your pregnancy continues. Even if you decide you want to tell the man and he wants to force you into commiting abortion, you still have rights over your body and you can still choose to keep your pregnancy. He can NEVER force you into something you don't want to do. But I see where your problem lies, you don't know how to stand for yourself that is why.

I know what you did during your 4yrs relationship with him is wrong knowing fully well he is married so now you are facing the music now all by yourself. Just learn to pick yourself up and move on with your life. I pray God will give you the strength during this hard time of your life and hope your pregnancy journey is a stressfree one.

femishosho@gmai:


well at least were not talking about "hollywood clap trap" now

and i never claimed to be a victim

That is it . . . you are the "culprit" here so what do you want us to tell you?
You were not ra_ped, so what do you want us to tell you?

Kobojunkie:

Aren't you now assuming that single parents are frustrated, bitter individuals here? I mean there are so many single parents out there who are raising their kids, and many of those kids will choose to remain with their single frustrated mothers, than find a "mature" couple to live with.

Parents are not meant to be PERFECT beings . . . they are just meant to be beings who are accepting of the consequences of their choices and working at making a better future for the child and ultimately for themselves. I don't think it is right to assume that somehow only a mature couple can do this job . . . many of the role models we have in the world today were raised by a frustrated, bitter single mum/dad out there.

Even though I had a relatively harsh childhood myself, I am who I am today as a result and I don't have regrets of any kind.

No, I'm not making ANY assumptions on single parents in general or mature couples either.

I'm making my assumptions based on the @poster's situation and what she's told us of her circumstances.

I'm also casting my doubts or rather "assumptions" of her capability to raise a child in this situation, effectively.

She does not in anyway come across as mature to me. You yourself even asked earlier if she was an imbec!le. May I ask you why, you asked that question Kobojunkie??

My opinions here have nothing to do with your upbringing or background either, so let's not digress but focus on the issue at hand here.

The holy ghost had a 'MARY'S BORN CHILD O!
Bastards are also children.
Jesus is a SAVIOR!

Abi VaJin-Mary marry HOLY GHOST take born Jesus?

Ladies! If you wanno born ya pickin, JUST DO IT.
Marriage or not!
It is a woman's world too!

I LOVE IBIDAPO OBE - MALAYE!!!!'

Efemena_xy:

Which may even be a much better option for the child in question.

You and I know that in an ideal situation, a child brought up by a mature couple in a loving home, is a whole lot better off, than being brought up by a frustrated, bitter, single mum on the dough...

I disagree Efemena......I've seen loads of kids brought up by matured couple in a loving home turning out to bad eggs...Only God can help parent/parents raise their children. It's not by anyone's power.

moonbaby:

I disagree Efemena......I've seen loads of kids brought up by matured couple in a loving home turning out to bad eggs...Only God can help parent/parents raise their children. It's not by anyone's power.

True, there are no hard and fast rules in life. There are also loads of instances where the outcome of certain situations / events deviate from the "norm". Nonetheless, whether you like it or not, a child brought up in the former scenario I described tends to be generally better off emotionally, than in the latter scenario.

Having said that, tell me in your own words what the term: Stable home means to you, in this context.

Efemena_xy:

No, I'm not making ANY assumptions on single parents in general or mature couples either.

I'm making my assumptions based on the @poster's situation and what she's told us of her circumstances.

I'm also casting my doubts or rather "assumptions" of her capability to raise a child in this situation, effectively.

She does not in anyway come across as mature to me. You yourself even asked earlier if she was an imbec!le. May I ask you why, you asked that question Kobojunkie??

My opinions here have nothing to do with your upbringing or background either, so let's not digress but focus on the issue at hand here.

I questioned her sanity earlier because I wanted to get a clear understanding of whether she felt herself a victim in all that happened and continues to happen.

I used my case as an example of why a "mature" couple is not clearly always the best for a child . . .like I said, there are many out there raised by frustrated and bitter women who turned out great.

Efemena_xy: True, there are no hard and fast rules in life. There are also loads of instances where the outcome of certain situations / events deviate from the "norm". Nonetheless, whether you like it or not, a child brought up in the former scenario I described tends to be generally better off emotionally, than in the latter scenario.

Having said that, tell me in your own words what the term: Stable home means to you, in this context.

Even a frustrated, bitter single mother can provide a stable home to her child(ren) if she chooses.

Kobojunkie:

Even a frustrated, bitter single mother can provide a stable home to her child(ren) if she chooses.

Nicely put, you just said the word in my mind.

femishosho@gmai:


ABORTION is a very sensitive issue and one of the most argumentative topics in religion science and life , you are entitled to your opinion and i respect that that is your opinion but my question was not whether to keep my unborn child or to have a termination. i can decide that for myself . my question was one of a less crusial matter and was should i tell the child's biological father i am pregnant or later on he has a child.
like i said that your opinion but i think its generally a well know thing not to advise someone on aborting their child . and i wouldn't dream of putting up a post that says should i have and abortion?

is bit sick

I never advocated you go for an abortion, Kobojunkie suggested that. What I suggested was you might want to consider Adoption as an alternative!

Snip...

Snip...

femishosho@gmai:
and as for being ' frustrated, bitter, single mum on the dough' life gives us obstacles its how we over come them im not saying it ail be easy but i think the gift of life is worth it and know many women who are baron and would literally kill to have a child. so think i depends on what way you look at it .
so its how you over come the obstacle which i am confident in achieving . my question was to whether i should tell the dad because i don't know how he will overcome the situation and how that may have a negative effect on me because i don't know how he will react.

The bolded bit up there is just one of the chain reactions, or rather let's just say cause and effect events that happen when a young girl chooses not to close her legs and engages in pre-maritial sex...moreso with a married man.

~ You don't need me to chastise you and tell you that you ought to have known better, do you?

~ You don't need me to tell you that you had no business at 16 rolling under the sheets with an older married man, when you should have been focusing on getting an education for yourself, do you?

~ You don't need me to point out to you that at age 20 and pregnant, you most likely have no job / source of income of your own...or even if you do have a job, it's probably a menial, dead-end job that barely sustains you, let alone a baby?

~ You don't need me to drum it into your skull that there are different modes of contraception available for girls like you, who can't control the tickle in their Congo, do you? No. It's easier for you to pass the buck and blame the man in this situation.

Jeez! Where's Coogar, Dayokanum, Richknvut, Johndoe, Guitarlife and co when you need them?

Kobojunkie:

Even a frustrated, bitter single mother can provide a stable home to her child(ren) if she chooses.

Really?

If you're so pro-life, why did you suggest she went for an abortion then Kobojunkie?

femishosho@gmai:

and as for being ' frustrated, bitter, single mum on the dough' life gives us obstacles its how we over come them im not saying it ail be easy but i think the gift of life is worth it and know many women who are baron and would literally kill to have a child. so think i depends on what way you look at it .
so its how you over come the obstacle which i am confident in achieving . my question was to whether i should tell the dad because i don't know how he will overcome the situation and how that may have a negative effect on me because i don't know how he will react.

WRONG!! Life did not do this to you. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO DID THIS TO YOURSELF . . . .YOu are not a victim here, remember that. You made the decision to sleep with this married man and get pregnant by him. Life did nothing to you here but simply show you the result of your choices.

moonbaby:

Nicely put, you just said the word in my mind.

And I asked you what your understanding of a stable home meant!

Stop hiding under Kobo's skirts / trousers and answer the question!

Efemena_xy:

Really?

If your so pro-life, why did you suggest she went for an abortion then Kobojunkie?

Are you ADHD or something? What the heck has the above to do with anything I have said so far on this issue?


Disclaimer: ADHD is not like leprosy . . . . if you have it, you simply need to get treated so you can effectively improve your life.

Kobojunkie:

Are you ADHD or something? What the heck has the above to do with anything I have said so far on this issue?


Disclaimer: ADHD is not like leprosy . . . . if you have it, you simply need to get treated so you can effectively improve your life.

On the contrary, your autism shows your level of disjointed reasoning.

Stick to the facts and stop spreading yourself thin!